THOUGH DREAMS can be deceiving
like faces are to hearts
they serve for sweet relieving
when fantasy and reality lie too far apart
- slow like honey, fa |
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jelly / jelly archives
thursday, november 22
10:47 PM
today i am thankful that i am alive and healthy and can see and hear and sense and taste (especially taste!) and feel and love and laugh and cry and even hurt... cause i guess without the hurt, i wouldn't know what joy is... without the rain, i wouldn't know what the sun feels like. for that i am thankful. and i'm thankful for my wonderful family, even the ones that annoy me, cause it's after they annoy me do i learn to love them even more despite any grievances. and i'm thankful for my extended family... my friends, new and old, and acquaintances i've met, neighbors that wave to me, even strangers that smile as i walk by. i have much more to be thankful for, more than i could ever type here, and i feel very blessed, so my heart goes out to those that are hurting this holiday, families of those that were lost in the attacks especially. know that you are not alone, many people in this world are thinking of you and you are covered in prayer.
wednesday, november 21
2:21 AM
i saw this wonderful and clever little french film tonight called amélie (or le fabuleux destin d'amélie poulain for you francophiles). i am in love with audrey tautou who plays amélie poulain... her hair, her skin, her cute little nose... she's just gorgeous. amélie is this young girl who takes pleasure in the little things in life -- like sticking her whole hand in the sacks of grain at the grocer -- mostly cause she doesn't allow herself the luxury of real pleasures, like love. so along the way she falls in love with this man she never met, who btw collects disgarded photographs from photo booths. she also makes friends with this renoir-obsessed painter neighbor guy. she ends up with dreamboy's photo album and after some difficult attempts to finally meet him to return the album, renoir guy tells her, quite frankly to her face, that she is scared of a real relationship. that she would rather live in her little world and dream about this fantasy man she's conjured up in her head than have a real relationship with him, for fear upon meeting him, he'll burst her little fantasy bubble.
yeah, that sounds about right.
sunday, november 18
2:09 AM
so i went on my first date tonight, in what seems like years. ok maybe just months... last one i'd been on i was still in austin. but i didn't know it was a date til micah reached for the dinner check after i put down my $20 bill.
what are you doing?
what?
i asked you out, so i'm paying.
[chuckle] why? it's not like this is a date...
[pause] yeah it is, that's why i asked you.
oh... i'm sorry, i didn't... realize it was. [smile]
oh.
cause, truthfully, if i had known beforehand i probably wouldn't have agreed to it. i haven't really been in the best of romantic moods lately. but maybe i did know, maybe i was just lying to myself cause i did want to go on a date but couldn't admit it to myself. after all, this was the first time we did anything not in a group setting, and i was aware of that aspect at least. so after he paid, i suddenly felt very awkward and didn't know what to talk about with this person that was previously in my 'friend' zone. then i became very aware of what i looked like, i didn't have any makeup on, my hair in pigtails, too casual pants on. i didn't even put lotion on my face, probably scaring him with my dry, flaky skin. i just felt horrible that i didn't realize and kept apologizing through the whole night. it was just awful. but he was very sweet, as usual. even took me to see waking life after dinner, which i knew he had no interest in on his own. i was rather uptight through the whole movie and couldn't really pay attention. i just kept going over and over in my head what this meant now, did i like him? does he expect me to kiss him? how long has he been thinking about asking me out? was it that time i asked him to take me home, even though it was so out of his way? is he gonna ask me out again after i humiliated him at the restaurant? i was going crazy, my headache started coming back. then i had an epiphany... just relax jennifer... you trust this guy... he's funny, nice, good conversationalist, pretty damn cute... stop trying to control everything... just let it go and enjoy. so i did.
and, no, i didn't kiss him.
sunday, november 11
3:46 PM
i very much like this, thinking about my life in comparison to austen's heroines. so as i'm thinking about this more, my most favorite heroine of austen's is fanny price of mansfield park. now there's my love story... dear friends that intimately know each other... young franny, always reserved in the shadows, mistreated by her family, watching as her dear edmund lives his life and falls in love with someone else. suddenly edmund's eyes are opened to what a bitch that miss crawford is. then he realizes "franny's friendship was all that he had to cling to." so yada yada yada, after some torturous waiting, edmund and franny finally get together. and then i cry. (actually i cry before they get together, but it's still good.)
so now i'm thinking. did edmund really love mary crawford? was mary really edmund's willoughby, and franny just his colonel brandon?
...nah.
12:31 PM
i'm thinking of marianne in jane austen's sense and sensibility (that's kate winslet to you who saw the movie). how she and willoughby were so passionately in love, and how the cowardly bastard left the lovely marianne to marry another, only to save face and financial security. then the honorable colonel brandon, who admired marianne from afar for so long, steps in and loves her when no one else does. and sister eleanor and brother in law edward secretly encourage things along, wishing and longing that marianne would just settle down and learn to love mr. brandon also. so she marries him, "what could she do?" i remember these words in the book. but it's like she settles for him. i mean, she's getting old, her sister's married, passionate love (willoughby) is out of the picture. i just remember getting the impression that she is somehow, deep down, secretly disappointed and longing for her knight in shining armor to come again. perhaps it was just the way it was portrayed in the movie, but from what i recall, even the book stressed how passionate and romantic marianne was, how she stood by her beliefs of how love should be, how one should love, and how one should be loved and how her marriage was almost like her one and only choice. i'm terribly disappointed that there was the possibility she did not love colonel brandon as she so dreamed to (and i'm terribly depressed that colonel brandon probably knew this too). but that's part of her maturing process i guess, learning that she wouldn't be swept off her feet like she had expected all her life, that love wasn't the way she read about in books, that you didn't always end up with your soulmate. such a shame. i don't like it at all, not one bit. cause i want passion, i want to be swept off my feet, i want to live for that person, but mainly cause i'm scared i will be marianne. i don't want to have to put away my dreams of what love is like, knowing it's out there, but not being able to hold it in my arms. and it breaks my heart that there's the possibility that my colonel brandon won't get what he so much deserves from me. that i, or he, or both of us know that in a way i'm settling, only cause he's there, and he loves me, and there's that possibility of willoughby coming back to her and how insecure that must make brandon feel, and marianne, hopeful for this other life. it's so depressing i want to puke.
and what about willoughby? what a fucking bastard. he's not happy that's for sure. well, that's what he deserves.
For Marianne, however--in spite of [Willoughby's] incivility in surviving her loss--he always retained that decided regard which interested him in everything that befell her, and made her his secret standard of perfection in woman;--and many a rising beauty would be slighted by him in after-days as bearing no comparison with Mrs. Brandon.
and then the story goes on... i don't know how, but i do know that my willoughby doesn't get this marianne back.
friday, november 9
8:41 PM
today was an interesting day. catherine, her brother, chris, and i packed up in chris' car to go to dallas this morning. we're almost there and the car starts smoking. we get out of the car and then seconds later it bursts into flames. catherine freaks out and starts yelling, "my purse, my purse, my money!!!" so chris, dear thing that he is, risks his life and jumps into the blazing hot front seat to fish out her purse with all of $35 and some stila makeup in it. it was so hot, i swear i thought my eyebrows were going to singe off. then the firemen came :) hotties indeed. they even let me touch the hose.
so, this is the real interesting part... before the little fire, catherine gets a call on her phone, it's her mom, calling to gossip about troy. she just got off the phone with angela's mom and it seems the happy family are having marriage problems, and she is scared that they are going to divorce. so this adds a new layer of complexity to my life as much as i try to not let it affect me. it does. it is. it consumes me. i've been thinking about it all day. as the car was engulfed in flames, all i could think about was when he was going to call me. and what would i say? how would i respond? is he gonna try to weasel his way back into my life? and most importantly, am i going to let him?
at least now i have something to do i suppose...
wednesday, november 7
3:44 PM
today is the most wonderful day. gracie is pregnant and i'm going to be the best aunt in the world! nathan! your boys really CAN swim!!! they found out yesterday but didn't tell us til today cause they wanted to be all mushy and sweet and secretive and do tummy-rubbings and have it all to themselves for a day, which i understand (but i was still kinda mad about, but i'm over it now). she is almost 4 weeks pregnant and we are starting her on healthy, yummy, nutritious mommy and baby growing foods right away. but first a little indulgence. tonight is celebration night, dad is going all out and taking us to eat lots of sushi (since grace shouldn't eat it once she gets later in her pregnancy). i'm going to have salted edimame coming out of my ears. grace is gonna have babies coming out of her... ;)
it's wonderful how life can just turn around so quickly and reveal itself in such a way that gives you a whole new outlook on your pathetic self that you were wallowing in just hours before.
tuesday, november 6
11:37 PM
congratulations, mike and jill, on your engagement! it's about time you fucker.
thursday, november 1
5:11 PM
aha, turns out last night was a blue moon, the second full moon to occur in one calendar month, thus the explanation of the intensity of the glow shining in my eye.
2:23 PM
last night i climbed into bed (which the head of is in front of my window), turned off my light and closed my eyes to drift off into sweet slumber; then i noticed something was shining directly in my eye. it was the moon! it was so bright and full and wonderful, it cast lovely patterns across my comforter and walls and furniture that surrounded me. as i gazed into the oddly bright night sky, i thought about those romantic scenes you see in television and movies where one lover calls another as they both stare at the same glowing moon but are across deserts, oceans, countries and think fondly of one another. so i wanted to call someone, and lavish praises on the beautiful light coming in through my window and their's, share the same fantasies basking in the same moonlight. then i realized there was no one to call. so i resorted to calling grace. if you don't have a lover you might as well call your best friend and sister right? no answer, she and nathan must be making their own memories under the moonlight. so i call kevin. voice mail, he's been working pretty late and quite hard. i try jay, he's probably still at the restaurant helping close up. i even try and call a boy i met on the internet that i've never met... and it's busy! how desperate am i? and where is everyone??? so i go downstairs and find mr. pooch and curl up with him, watching him sleep in the moonlight. i'm such a loser.
more
jelly please
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