Hawg's Mystery Date Game

If you wish to be added to the database, please send me a reasonable sized gif or jpg with your preferred profile and email address.
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Meet...

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Bill is the ultimate romantic. Professionally, he sets up computer networks and specializes in doing so for women. His favorite thing to do is leave Easter Eggs for the women he sets up computer networks for, declaring his undying love for them. He recently learned that it was best not to sign such notes after an indepth investigation conducted by the FBI forced him to move to Nome, Alaska." else if (seconds <31) return "Jamie
Jamie is a smalltime catalog model. Unlike the high profile male models of his profession, he is not gay. He likes small children and dogs and contributes regularly to the Sierra Club. He will not accept a modeling job if the catalog is to be printed on anything other than 80% post consumer waste recycled paper. Even the ink must be soy ink. His proudest moment was when he was covered in the national news for chaining himself naked to an old growth redwood tree in the Pacific Northwest. Sorry, no pictures are available from that incident." else if (seconds <41) return "Dave
Dave is the true author of the song, 'You Light Up My Life'. A little known fact is that he was actually writing a jingle for his company to help sell electrical equipment, but having forgotten to copyright it, Leanne Rimes stole it from him. He has contracted Tanya Hardings exhusband to kick her in the shins for him." else if (seconds <51) return "Anthony
Anthony is a flower arranger at 1-800-FLOWERS. He delights in all things bright and beautiful and believes that men should be just as caring and giving as women. Anthony loves to spend time with his cat, Spot, and fish, Hewey, Dewey, and Louie. Anthony gives new meaning to the word 'neatnik'. It would be surprising to find anything out of place in his tidy studio apartment. His favorite actor is Jack Lemmon." else if (seconds <61) return "Carlton
Carlton knows everything about proper courtship. When the time is right, he will ask your father for permission to marry you and propose on bended knee. Carlton is clean, neat, tidy and good in the kitchen but he will make you sleep in the wet spot." } function Intellectual(){ timer() if (seconds <11) return "Andrew
Andrew spends 3 hours a night on his computer logged into AOL. He changes screen names every three months to avoid the harems that follow him throughout the system. He tells the women he talks to that he's 36 and single, but in fact he's married and 54. Still, despite this he is a good person if you need help getting your fence repaired. He can tell you in great detail the golf scores for every game Tiger Woods has played since he started playing professionally." if (seconds <21) return "Martin
Martin is a world class computer geek. As a very young man, his idol was Matthew Broderick of WARGAMES fame. His skills at computer manipulation have grown to the point that he is actually quite bored with it all and hopes someday to become a shepherd in Australia." else if (seconds <31) return "Hubert
Hubert is a CPA. He's anal which means he's good and is a graduate of the 'I bet I can guess within 25cents my grocery bill' Club He enjoys his mercury dime collection and pasta without shape. Hubert thinks a really good time is essentially something beyond his capabilities. Hubert is dead without the obituary, but this makes him a particularly amicable date." else if (seconds <41) return "Milton
Milton recently earned his doctorate at Harvard in Philosophical Philandering. He chose not to go into Politics, and is currently pumping gas in Oregon to discover true understanding of the humility of the blue collar worker." else if (seconds <61) return "Albert
Alberts the name, mental stimulation is the game. An educated, professional student, Albert will romance you with symphonies, Shakespear, museums, and math equasions by candlelight. Quirks: Annoying habit of replying to you in the form of a Jeopardy question and shouts 'I have a Masters degree!!' when he climaxes." } function Sporty(){ timer() if (seconds <21) return "Speedy
Speedy has won every track race every major track race in his county. His dream someday is to enter the olympics and win the gold metal." if (seconds <31) return "Rufus
Rufus likes sports like a fish likes water. He can not live without sports. When he was young, he played them, but now he just watches them on TV and places bets with his bookie from the comfort of his Laz-E-Boy. Rufus is also an inventor. One week when his TV was on the fritz, he went out into the garage and got the little refrigerator he used to use for when he was working on the car. He installed it into the underside of his chair, plugging it in to get the first built in fridge/vibrating lounge chair. Patent pending." else if (seconds <41) return "Larry
Despite being an accountant professionally, Larry is the worlds greatest sports fan. His dearest dream wavers between becoming a linebacker for the Seattle Mariners and the model-spokesperson for Prill tooth whitener. Undoubtedly, he could very well become the latter due to the brilliance of his smile." else if (seconds <61) return "Chuck
Chuck is a hunk-a-hunk-a burnin muscle. Fit and active, good times are non-stop and action packed. Spends weekends biking, hiking, skiing, and balling --baseball, football, basketball, volleyball, etc. Quirks: He asks you to hold up score cards after sex and calls his therapist from bed if he doesn't get a 6.0" } function Silly(){ timer() if (seconds <15) return "Stan
Stan is head popcorn operator at Phils Amazing Technicolor Theatres in Amarillo Texas. Stan works for minimum wage because he says it keeps him...well mostly unshowered. Stan likes his women, alive mostly, but hes not above a secretive conjugal visit to the latest addition to the Amarillo morgue. Stan is the kinda guy who causes the FBI to have a certain slot in its 10 most unwanted potential deports. Stan says he likes the idea of travel. Stan will most likely die of something that involves rotting organs." if (seconds <31) return "Gus
If you like men of color, Gus is your man. Covered with tatoos, this bald man is a work of art! He has a brain tatooed on his penis and a penis tatooed on his bald head. Neverending good times include watching porn videos purchased on the net, beer bonging, burping contests and the 'hunt for snacks in the couch' game. Quirks: He prefers using your pubic hair over toothpicks or floss." if (seconds <41) return "Snake
Yes, that is his real name. He wasn not born with it, of course, but he had it legally changed shortly after having it tattooed in Gothic blackletter on his back. Snake is a harley rider in the classic sense, shaving only when he needs a job again, and bathing on alternate months. The only thing that is absolutely immaculate is his bike. A beautiful bike. His baby. Don't even think about touching it. Snake is the strong quiet type. Aside from monosyllabic grunts, he says very little. Except to tell you to get away from the bike. Look, don't touch. Perversely, small children love Snake. However, due to pending legal action, Snake will not comment on his loving children." if (seconds <61) return "You are warped. You deserve a warped person to date. I can't tell you much about your date except that he's currently in the Federal Witness Protection Program. In fact, this isn't really a picture of him, and bears little or no resemblance to your real date." }

Tell me a little about yourself...

Of the following, which date would you most prefer?

Of the following, which gift would you most like to receive from your new sweetheart?

How long do you think it's okay to hold out before having sex with your new sweetheart?

It's the first date. Who pays?

Acknowlegements and disclaimers:
Concept Artist: Hawg
Geek who actually wrote up Hawg's idea and made it come to Life: Jeniwren
Text and humor contributed by Jeniwren, AirLar, Hawg and Petals.

Thank you, Hawg and Lar for making it a lot easier to do this. HUGE thank you to Slibs for the animated gif of Hawg. I almost peed my pants laughing when I got it. Additional thanks and apologies to the various people who unwittingly posed as dates here. The profiles are fictional. Mostly. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is probably co-incidental, but not 100% guaranteed. --Jeniwren

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