Hawg's Mystery Date Game

If you wish to be added to the database, please send me a reasonable sized gif or jpg with your preferred profile and email address.
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Meet...

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"); // close the document - (not the window!) dateWin.document.close(); } function timer(){ currentdate = new Date() seconds = currentdate.getSeconds() } function picture(){ timer() if (seconds <5) return '

' else if (seconds <8) return '

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' else if (seconds <61) return '

' } function dateText(){ ScoreTalley() if (Total < 6) return Romantic() else if (Total < 11) return Intellectual() else if (Total < 14) return Sporty() else if (Total < 17) return Silly() } function Romantic(){ timer() if (seconds <30) return "Karla
Karla is a shopping queen. She has framed certificates of appreciation from every mall west of the Mississippi, as well as all those in Florida. Multitalented, she is also exceptionally skilled at ad hoc poetry, and hopes to write the phrasing for greeting cards someday." else if (seconds <61) return "Jennifer
Jennifer LIVES Romance. She has read every book by Danielle Steel ever published, and aspires to someday write her own. She is well known for her elegant turn of phrase, eschewing all profanity as vulgar. In the meantime, she works at Fred�s House of Chicken and dreams of the day she will meet the man to match her heaving bosom." } function Intellectual(){ timer() if (seconds <30) return "Daniella
Daniella is a professional spy. She has worked with all the best, which is why most of her friends think that she works in the banking industry. She was directly involved with uncovering the connection between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski, though if you ask her, she�ll deny it. Someday she hopes to quit the spy business and open a seaside service bureau employing only young men with nice buns." else if (seconds<61) return "Jennifer
Jennifer is a computer geekette. Her ultimate dream is to hack into the Price-Waterhouse computers and nominate herself for an Oscar in an independent film that everyone says they have seen, but no one has, in fact, ever heard of. She has her acceptance speech already written." } function Sporty(){ timer() if (seconds <30) return "Speedy
Speedy has won every track race every major track race in her county. Her dream someday is to enter the olympics and win the Gold Medal. Her second choice would be to go to the Olympics and win the Gold Medalist in Track and Field for a night." else if (seconds<61) return "Renee
Renee lives to ski, skis to live. Unfortunately, she lives in the middle of the United States where there are no mountains. To appease her hunger for the slopes she has set up a very small ski slope in the huge freezers of the Safeway where she works." } function Silly(){ timer() if (seconds <30) return "You are warped. You deserve a warped person to date. I can't tell you much about your date except that she's currently in the Federal Witness Protection Program. In fact, this isn't really a picture of her, and bears little or no resemblance to your real date." else if (seconds<61) return "Frederica
Frederica is a Lobster slut. She serves down at the Lobster Barrel at least 150 Lobsters a day and takes home either the soup cook or one of the immigrant dishwashers at least twice a week. Frederica maintains a one room efficiency overlooking the wharf because you can never be too close to the smell of bodies washed up on shore. Her eye make-up is in a healthy mauve. She rarely wears underwear because sometimes a lobster gets lonely and dammit, she does not have the money to give to the United Way and after all, charity begins at home." }

Tell me a little about yourself...

Of the following, what kind of movie would you most like to see on a first date?

What, of the following, would you most like to hear your date say?

What is your favorite drink, of the following?

It's the first date. Who pays?

Acknowlegements and disclaimers:
Concept Artist: Hawg
Geek who actually wrote up Hawg's idea and made it come to Life: Jeniwren
Text and humor contributed by Jeniwren, AirLar, and Hawg.

Thank you, Hawg and Lar for making it a lot easier to do this. HUGE thank you to Slibs for the animated gif of Hawg. I almost peed my pants laughing when I got it. Additional thanks and apologies to the various people who unwittingly posed as dates here. The profiles are fictional. Mostly. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is probably co-incidental, but not 100% guaranteed. --Jeniwren

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