| 2002 Journal Entries |
| 2/21/02 My mom opened a package of mine at home in case it was something important - but never asked if I was expecting anything! No wonder I want a private sphere. Did that contribute to my suppressing emotions or is that a separate issue? I wish I had brothers and sisters because I feel like I missed out on the complexity of relationships. I am not used to imperfections and fights within a relationship. I make those things more dramatic than most people do. A character on ED once said he said some things he shouldn't have, and another character replied, "Sometimes that's how friends get closer." I have yet to learn how true that statement is. Anyway a character on SIX FEET UNDER said, "A child knows what his parents need him to be." It makes me think of my parents and how I am more reserved around them. I usually say I hide my personal life from them, but it's more. I hide who I am from them. Is that who they need me to be? Why? |
| 3/8/02 I have been listening to Mary J Blige's NO MORE DRAMA album a lot lately. She sings about finding your destiny and getting rid of drama in your life. "Everything'll be alright; it's gonna be Ok," right? It makes me think of having a relationship with God and how I don't know what it means. I wonder what I am missing out on. How do I get there? Sometimes things have to fall apart so that we can put them back together how we want them. I have also been thinking about how my parents weren't at much of my stuff. My mom never saw me play a tennis match, and neother ever saw me debate. A lot of that is because I asked them not to watch, but did their giving in send me a message? Am I reading too much into everything? Our relationship is how it is for a reason, though. |
| 4/20/02 I asked some friends what they see me doing as a career. The consensus seemed to be working in a hands-on/policy kind of field and also with kids. What am I passionate about? What comes natural to me? I seem to have this notion that intelligence has to do with quoting philosophers or something, and perhaps that is clouding my judgment of what I want to do and who I want to be. I need to do what I love, regardless of whether that is "academic" or "high profile." It seems like everything comes back to me being a better person and loving myself. Then I will be doing what I love and what comes naturally instead of worrying about how it appears to others. In that regard, I am making a very conscious effort to eliminate the amount of gossip in my life. I have been doing that for awhile, but it hasn't been a whole-hearted effort. Now I want to contribute to the world, not contaminate it. How self-righteous does that sound? |
| 5/14/02 Summers will never be the same now that I am no longer coach. I will miss the kids, the lifeguards, my little breakfast and snack routines, the parties, etc. I did see the boys a few days ago and all was normal. I want to see Kendall. On OPRAH a few weeks ago, Toni Morrison was saying that when a child enters a room, he/she wants to know you are happy to see them. Toni said when her kids entered the room she used to immediately look to see if their hair was combed, their belt on, etc. and took that as caring about them. Her children entered the room expecting criticism and thinking, "What will she find wrong now?" She said it's as a simple as changing your face to show your children you are happy to see them. Anyway, it all reminded me of my mother. I recall her criticizing more than smiling - whether that's true or not. |
| 7/14/02 I worry what other SF people think about me being over at the Marellas so much. Why? Sherry said something about having Lindsey and Hamilton over for dinner, and I got jealous. I think it's mainly in regards to Hamilton. Why do I let other people affect me so much? These themes keep coming up in my life. Anyway, I have been reading a lot lately, and two quotes jumped out at me as relating to me (or something): "You like the power you have from being sober all the time around people who are fucked up." AND "I've never been able to stay angry. People think I'm understanding. I understand little. But I can bear almost anything, and that's nearly as good." The 2nd quote reminds me of THE ENGLISH PATIENT and, "It isn't the morality; it's how much you can bear." |
| 7/29/02 On Saturday night Kendall called me a "genius" and it somehow struck me that I have higher expectations for my life than my parents have for my life. I think they just want me to have a job that pays, regardless of how much I like it and regardless of its "importance." I think I'd be settling if I lived the life they see for me. The other realization I had is that when I envision myself raising kids, I don't have a wife. I have always known I want the kids more than the wife, but I have never thought about the fact that I always picture myself as a single parent. I have to figure out what that means. |