| 2001 Journal Entries |
| April 22, 2001 I was watching an episode of AMERICAN HIGH and this girl said, "Take us for who we are and take us for who we can be." It reminded me of the JERRY MAGUIRE part when Renee Zellweger says, "I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is." Love is partly about idealism - loving who the person is and who you are with the person. Seeing who someone wants to be challenges you to grow with them. It also reminds me of Patty Loveless singing, "I know the good Lord must have smiled on the day He made you." Anyway I had nothing to do today. I was watching TV this afternoon and was so impatient. Why can't watching TV be doing something? Why can't I enjoy just being? I have to always be doing something. |
| August 19, 2001 I am back in Tallahassee (and rid of my parents). Maybe becasuse they never had a role other than parent, and now that role is barely needed, I want them away? Anyway I saw Mrs. Breede on Thursday and she said Mary Anne smiled when they passed me in their car. Mrs. Breede said she thought about why and said I smile a lot and am positive motivation for the kids. She said it's a talent and no one can replace me. I will definitely miss that whole experience (and the swimmers). I was reading through an old journal and saw where I read in THE ENGLISH PATIENT that the main character had been "disassembled" by a woman. I wished for it and even noted that Abby had done that to me, but I didn' really get it at the time. Be careful what you wish for. |
| January 2, 2001 You know, I keep thinking that infatuation is bad. It's a natural thing and only "bad" if we see it as love. We can't (and shouldn't) run from it. It can develop into something more. I found my old house today. I went by the houses of old friends and went through old memories. I was thinking about it, and I realized all those people are a part of me. I am who I am, in part, because of those people and those experiences. I later thought about GOOD WILL HUNTING and when Minnie tells Matt he is scared she won't love him back. I realize I hide some things about me and put up a front about other things. I guess I think people will judge me and reject me. Not only is it not fair to them, but I am not being me. Regarding gossip - is it Ok to update people on other people (where they live, etc.)? It would seem so, but then reporting on someone's sex life seems bad. Is it? Isn't there judgment involved in the selection? |
| January 15, 2001 I have been sort of sad/depressed lately. I know I need to be myself and love myself, but how do I go about doing that? I watched FOOTLOOSE for about the 10th time in my life. It still affects me. I wonder if it' because I connect it to something in my childhood. In that moment I am more childlike and thus more alive, more me (or at least remembering a time when I was). Sometimes I will see someone in a parking lot or a store (in a private moment when they aren't thinking about someone watching them), and I will care for them or feel an attraction/connection. Am I really seeing into them or am I bringing my own thing to it? |
| February 8, 2001 You know - I am smart, funny, and cute. If people can't see that or don' like it, it is their loss. I need to quit placing value on those who don't care and place value on those that do. I also need (as do others) to place less value on petty things. Men don't bother to hug other men or show affection out of fear of being seen as homosexual. Our relationships suffer because of how we fear others (often people we don't know) will think of us. I read this book (well, parts of it) on emotional styles. I think in close relationships I combine subjugation and unlovability. Subjugation are people who learn to be powerless and helpless about their wishes and preferences. Someone else makes the decisions. These people also feel that other people take advantage of them. Christi does not see me as this, but I do. I don't think it dominates, but I see it as a symptom of unlovability. Unlovability has the core belief that you are flawed and anyone who really gets to know you will find you defective. These people are scared to reveal themselves and the cost can be a hollow, false self. This self is built to hide from the world their feelings of unworthiness. I would think keeping my opinions to myself is a way to please people and also to hide part of who I am. Christi thinks I am this and says I am hard to get to know. She has to assume things about me, she says. Anyway I have an appointment with a counselor on the 21st. |
| Note - A main reason I wanted to do this web site is to share more of myself with the people I know |
| March 28, 2001 I went to my counselor earlier this week. She said it seems my parents were never very open with me (no sex talk, etc.) so how would I know about being open with them? I think I must care what my parents think. I worry about them seeing a piercing were I to get one, etc. They nag me on little things (hair cuts, oil changes) and say almost nothing about big things (school, career). They say I can do anything but nag me about small things like I have no knowledge. It sends me mixed messages about my abilities. Christi also connects to their (us) not being open. I asked Aimee about how I connect to music more than people - it can't reject me, she said. It can't judge me or mock me either. |
| November 7, 2001 I saw my counselor last week. We were talking about the mixed messages of my parents - allowing my independence yet being critical of small things. We also discussed how I didn't have much quality time with my parents. Most of my childhood memories center on activities within groups of people. I then saw on TV where this doctor was saying that we have to give ourselves what our parents didn't provide. I should be proud of me. My parents don't know my life well enough to know all the things they should be proud of. I also need to be open to the idea of other people loving me. I am defensive and assume people are not interested in me. I also wonder why I don't feel a lot. That comes from somewhere. Why are emotions often out of my comfort zone? What am I protecting myself from? Why am I protecting myself? I am also connecting my lack of siblings to my expectation of perfect people and relationships. I know people are flawed and thus relationships are flawed, but I tend to shut down/back off as things get more "real." I think part of this is due to my being an only child; I'm not used to "drama" and to all the variations within relationships. |
| December 17, 2001 What do I love to do? What am I passionate about? At times I love to write thoughts/poems. I love to give advice. I love entertainment. I should write scripts/songs. I also love politics, research, knowledge. Am I scared to reveal myself to someone else, my family, etc.? I put on a perfectionist heir. Everything is neat and organized. I also try to change others (through advice). Is this all a way to mask my insides? When in my life was I not good enough for my parents or someone else? Where does all of this stem from? How do I give self-worth to myself? |
| September 28, 2001 On Tuesday night about 10 of us went to Bennigan's for my birthday. It was cool to have people come out and support me. The other day, Amanda, Andrew, and I went to lunch before Bedard's class. We had a relatively heavy discussion about relationships. I have been to the prison twice now. The inmates, for the most part, do look like "normal" people. I can see how people get sucked in by them and feel special or something. This online friend Steve says I put up a lot of walls, and Christi says there isn't a "closeness" with me. How am I unaware of the depth of my non-openness? How do I change it? Tanya sent me a quote that says, "There is invariably a pattern that defines who you are in the world." Do people see me as closed off? How does the universe see me? I obviously still base a lot of my self-worth on other people. And when will I figure love out? I have swung so far against infatuation and anything impure. It ain't all bad, and it might be able to exist within love. And doesn't my quest for these truths reveal something about who I am and maybe how I should decide what to do as a career? I am now reminded of the U2 line, "Some places need to be believed to be seen." Some things need to be believed to be seen as well - like the love of self. Last night my dad cut my birthday cookie without asking. When I pointed out it was rude, he just laughed it off. No respect! The rehearsal for Linda and Sid's wedding was today. Being in the church made me long to go to church again. I haven't been in months. I started to cry as I read the lyrics to "On Eagle's Wings." One of the stained-glass windows has this quote: To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die. I love that. I was also thinking about how I just wilt here at home. I am not my normally personable self. |
| October 9, 2001 I read something that said people who rationalize everything aren't being honest with themselves. Those rationalizations and dishonesty probably have to do with my next observation - how indifferent I can be. I don't feel as much as most people seem to. I am indifferent and often bored. How can I change this? What does it mean about me? |