| 2000 Journal Entries |
| November 10, 2000 When we are hurt by something someone says, it is because it reflects something we don't like about ourself (or haven't accepted about ourself). Paula notes that I don't like indecisiveness. I also don't like people being late and people who have a need to be liked. This all fits under the umbrella of not wanting to feel left out or put down (undervalued) by others. Maybe I need to love myself. Grace told me she thinks it's funny I don't know how attractive I am. |
| Note - As I read this again I can relate it to the first MY SO-CALLED life quote |
| November 14, 2000 I think that everyone has something to contribute to the universe. We then choose who we react to, are drawn to, based on what we like and dislike within ourselves. We meet people by chance all the time but are only reacting to certain ones. Where does God fit in (other than creating it all)? I hear people talk about accepting God, having a relationship with God. I don't get that, how to do it. That brings up the question of whether I don't want those religious fanatics to be right or whether I don't want to be wrong because if I am then I am way off from where I should be. That leads me to think of where I am. I'm not sure that I am in the right field. Where is this program going to take me? I think doubts are natural. Is that all this is? I'm not sure if I'm not: --strong enough in my conviction that this is wrong to just give it all up now OR --strong enough to disappoint people and just start all over. People always tell me I have it all together and am so at peace. I feel like I have to be that or I am nothing. How do I know which it is? |
| December 13, 2000 I was wondering the other night if I have ever committed to anything. Have I ever given my all to myself, to school, to another person, etc.? Have I ever been truly open or vulnerable? I realize now how much I've not done because of fear. I have not called people, not gone places, etc. because of fear and insecurity. I have missed out on a lot. Well we all do the best we know how and keep on learning. I truly want to make a commitment to keeping my word and to not taking things personally. |
| Note - I relate this to "No one has abused you more than you" and to the GOOD WILL HUNTING quotes |
| January 6, 2000 Abby and I talked on the phone and on IM last night. She was saying how alike we are, how she likes me, and how she loves me. What is it she feels for me? What is it she feels for Aaron? She also said I make people think I understand them and am like them when in reality I am not. Is this true? How am I as a person? Do I toy with the emotions of others? I am wondering if life is about getting back to childhood. Children are so open and unaffected. Adults bring in judgment and self-importance. All kids need is a box, and they are happy. Adults require money and many material objects and still are not happy. |
| February 10, 2000 Abby said yesterday she can see me as a philosopher or some famed sociologist. Am I a good thinker? Does that make me complacent? I often do not care about things (where we eat, what we do). Why? People can read that as me not feeling things, not wanting to do things with them. Is that true? Do I protect myself from feeling? How can I love Abby then? |
| March 24, 2000 I got up before everyone this morning and started a letter to Abby. I wrote all about grandpa's death and just kept crying. I was reading THE ENGLISH PATIENT and was struck by this line - "He has been disassembled by her." I almost think Abby has disassembled me, brought me off my pedastal, made me weaker and more human. I hate it that I know in my head and heart what will work, but I can't figure it out. |
| December 26, 2000 In church yesterday I was wondering about Hell. I am not sure that I believe it exists, but I wonder who is sent there if it does. If one does not believe in God but is truly a good person, does he/she go to Hell for not believing? On the other hand, if someone believes and is constantly asking for forgiveness (repeats his sins but is sorry), does he/she go to Heaven? We were at Linda's and she had a quote that said something like, "People's reaction to us is not a measure of our self-worth but of their present situation." I need to truly get that and make more of an effort to be true to what I say. I think my dad bothers me because I see how much like him I am. I lose my role around him and am no longer unique (in my mind anyway). |
| December 23, 2000 Middle school was good times. I remember Mike Allen from Beck went to Winthrop but I never talked to him for some reason. Did he recognize me? I also remember Sean and I collecting cups with wrestlers on them. I started the first HARRY POTTER yesterday. Part of it made me think of destiny and God's path. I can see that God has a path/plan for us. We choose to align with it, attract people/things that lead us away from or toward it. Giving yourself over to God/the universe does not mean losing control. It involves not fighting what your soul wants and choosing things that aid it. |
| December 21, 2000 So is nothing ever simple? Is everything (ever like, dislike, emotion, etc.) based in some emotional lacking, uplift, whatever? On another note, how ego-driven are all of us to assume that others are thinking about us and our world? When we trip and fall, our life ends. When we say or do something dumb, we assume everyone noticed. Christi says she seeks to help people via action (help them do things they cannot) whereas I try to help people through inspiration. Linda told me today that my teeth look clean, and Neyza once told me she loved my teeth. I have always been insecure about my teeth so that is interesting. Does God take people away from us (i.e. death)? I think so. Can all deaths (minus suicide) be explained this way? If not, how do we know when it's God and when it's biological? |
| June 17, 2000 I went bowling with the swim team yestersay. I realize how special and unique each individual is. We can all offer something. My mom said Mrs. White told her she was watching me at the swim meet last night. She told my mom that I am a very good coach. I am now realizing that Abby has been very selfish all along. She hasn't given up for me or committed to me. Today I visited Paula in Spartanburg. I got a Def Leppard CD from the 80s. It brought back many memories, and I again thought about the roundness of things. Things are circular and come back on one another. What you put out comes back to you, right? I mailed Abby about how I still hold anger and hurt and how I need a resolution to that. I weighed 155 pounds this morning. |
| June 18, 2000 Abby did not get on IM last night, and I have not heard from her all day. Is she mad about the mail I sent last night? Has she even read it? So it does seem to me there is a roundness to things, that life is circular. Are we working to become who we were? Why do we remember what we remember? My parents are good, likable people. Why can't I get along with them? I see my swimmers and how many of them don't appreciate their siblings and don't get along with them. I wish they knew how special it is to have someone always there for you, who will be at your wedding, who you are always bonded to. I know how special it is because I don't have it. I can still cry over the NEWHART theme, and I am still haunted by an image from the Def Leppard video "Hysteria." I want to return to my childhood. |
| August 4, 2000 I had a dream about and thought about Abby talking to Aaron and visiting him and got all jealous. Is that the basis of my feelings for her? I liked her before she even saw Aaron, though. I have been asked what my biggest fear is, and I never have an answer. I wonder if it's being wrong. I want to be known as smart and that (for me) involves always being right. It's odd I was thinking about that because I saw OPRAH today, and it was about finding yourself and having fulfillment with yourself. I tend to love people I can't have and thus seek attention where I cannot get it. I am ready to *feel* that I alone am enough. Lately I have been telling people that life is about how you react to the things that fate/destiny put in front of you (the people, events). Oprah talked about how we think we are a personality, a body that has a soul, but in reality it is the soul that holds these things. Life keeps putting things on earth to challenge you and show you the way (obstacles are avenues). I just feel we are all missing out on these great people we can be, these great things we can do. In trying to please others, you can distort yourself. You then can't achieve harmony, and that leads to resentment. I tried to please Abby, and I distorted who I am. I resent her; is it for that? Can I take responsibility and have a good time in Colorado? I thought tonight about when a class of mine in 7th grade watched GANDHI. I fell asleep or at least put my head dow, and Mr. Bell sort of kicked me. Is that why I haven't slept in a class since? I also thought back to my guy friends in middle school. I never wanted them to sleep at my house. I wanted to go to their house. Why? What is the deal with my attitude toward my parents? |
| August 18, 2000 I feel like something big needs to happen in my life to shake it up, keep it moving. I went to church today to ask God to forgive me and to help me be a better person (make a conscious effort to be). I want to be more honest, not talk behind backs, etc. I asked Bhisham about my best and worst qualities. He said he has always admired my ability to not judge people. On the bad side, he said I seem to cycle through friends. Abby called me tonight and bitched at me for awhile. She said I am immature, she is not mad I rejected her, and she is obviously moving on and seeing others. I decided against retaliating and pointing out she is wrong. She ended up saying she was a bitch (that her actions at Winthrop were "fucked up"), and she said she has commitment problems. I don't know if that's quite it, but at least she is looking at herself. We decided to take some time apart. Anyway, Abby helped me realize tonight that, even though I knew it in my head, I never truly made room for the fact that she is who she is with men. I took it as her not loving me (or as her loving Aaron), but it wasn't that. |