| 1999 Journal Entries |
| 7/25/99 Went down memory lane today (literally). I drove through Heritage Lakes, put on old music, etc. It's true that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone. I need to appreciate people and things, but how do you do that? I wish I could relive those times with the knowledge I have now. Of course, those times got me where I am now. I would have competed harder in swimming and tennis, and I would have acted more confident. |
| 8/10/99 I have been in Iowa the past few days. I saw where my mom grew up, met a lot of family, etc. A sense of family was aroused in me. It was good for the soul. I heard stories about grandpa and know he was a good dad and a good man. I wish I had known that when he was alive. My mom's cousin had 2 young boys who loved me and hugged me and had me play games with them. The unconditional love of kids is remarkable. |
| 9/17/99 Abby apparently mentions me to other people, and she's always looking at me in PLSC. I talked to her some this afternoon. Grace and I saw STIGMATA tonight, and she said she thinks people can have a strong enough faith to make holes in their wrists and create stigmata. She thinks faith can literally move mountains. I can't quite understand that. I also don't see how experiencing Jesus' pain is a desirable thing. Does that make me less religious? We listened to "Back When We Were Beautiful" on the way back, and I thought about grandpa being dead. It hit me that he and grandma were younger once, and my mom was little, and they were in Iowa. I bet my grandma missed that. I teared up a little. |
| 10/15/99 What is the meaning and/or secret of life? A lot of people have an opinion on it, but I am lost. I just want to be done with work and grades and all. I want to live. Also - what is love? What does it mean to love someone and how is that different from being in love? I have "loved" people and feel nothing now. How do you differentiate love, passion, a crush, etc.? Love would have to involve caring for someone, but who is "the one?" |
| Note - I relate this to "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" |
| 8/25/99 Grace cancelled on Carowinds because she overslept. I get so upset when people are late to things. It's disrespectful because I make an effort to be on time and then have to wait around on people. Bhisham is moving to Roddey and wants me to room with him. I am not sure I want to go there. Farmer told me Chris Thompson wants to move to THOM and could maybe room with me. I worked the RSA table with Heather today and rode back with her. She asked me to work with her to keep her company. Of course, she only seeks my company in situations like these. I had lunch with Peter and Troy, which was nice. I miss living next to them. Grace and I were hanging out tonight and saw Benji smoking outside. We talked to him for awhile, and he seems cool. Do I hang with younger people because I have a poor self-image? |
| 9/4/99 I got a card yesterday from the Lyons thanking me for Chris' gift. It lifted my spirits and reminded me of what is important. I went to a Kappa Sig event last night and met a lot of the guys. I was nervous about going for some reason, but it was cool. Grace and I went to a bands event tonight that was sponsored by Kappa Sig. Devon's band played. Grace says I don't fit the Kappa Sig mold, that I'm not enough of an asshole. Is that really their image? Am I the reason I'm not with anyone now? Do I know how to pick 'em (so to speak)? How do I break myself of it? Why am I this way? |
| 9/8/99 Abby and I walked to and from PLSC together. I love her. Benji and I played tennis today. At one point he smiled and said, "Sweet playing." Bhisham came out and played, too. Later on I saw Farmer, and he asked me how serious I am about Kappa Sig and what rush events I came to. Maybe they don't think I'm serious about it? Did I miss some events? |
| 9/14/99 Abby knocked on my door the other day and talked to me for awhile (Kris was sleeping). Last night Grace called me out in front of a group of people, and I told her I was mad. I later sent her an E-Mail explaining more about why I was mad. Are those the reasons or have I been looking for an excuse to separate from her some? Why, when we are mad or sad, do we want to be alone? I haven't heard from Grace today. I am thinking of making a move on Diana. I asked her to go to Denny's tonight (others were going), but she decided not to go. I also talked to Abby and Kris tonight. |
| 9/19/99 I saw Abby and Kris this afternoon, and she asked about my night. She said she'd be up later to talk to me. I played tennis with Bhisham and Tyrone. Then I went to dinner and ate with Harry and Lauren. Rouda came by and said he wants to play tennis sometime. It's been a good day. Sarah came by when I was working the desk. She said she doesn't feel close to anyone here (she misses me). I don't feel like I can give up part of my life to be with her more. Farmer asked me if I want to go to Vegas with him and another dude for Spring Break. |
| 9/20/99 Abby came into my room to talk about Grace and PLSC. She came back in for the quiet as she was studying (though I was typing and had the TV on). She then went to get her books, and I left as I didn't know she was coming back. After PLSC she was all, "I don't want to walk with someone who disses me," but I walked with her anyway. She invited me to dinner with her and another Sarah (think that's her name). Sarah left and Abby stayed with me til I finished. We talked about Kayce a lot and about fraternities and sororities (Kris is way against them). When I was at work Diana came and gave my a head massage and quick back rub. She hung around for my whole shift. I talked to Chris Cassidy for the first time in awhile. |