OhKay, let's talk a bit now. I can't seem to make everything mesh anymore. No matter what, nothing meshes as well as it used to.
I am not currently fond of my housing situation. I really think I should be allowed to move out considering my reason. The environment is getting harsh on me, and is effecting me a bit more than it used to. I am starting to feel like I was roped into living there when I wanted to move on, and I am thought of as a big, green dollar sign.
I think I am going to try to get hella good at pool. I bought a cue, so, now the only thing I have to do is practice, and have some people to practice with. The cue: cost - $40.00, color - grey and copper with a black grip,. It's nice.
Has anyone seen the "new" dancing style? From Nelly videos? It's all like seizures and ticks. I could never do it, and I am not sure if I like it yet, but it is diffrent. It reminds me of an exagerrated version of the dancing that was started in the Puff Daddy videos. Shoulder shakin', arms-a-poppin' danicn'.
I had a string of bad luck lately. I can't stay awake in CSCI 463 unless I am REALLY trying. I seem to bomb the daily quizes, and I am never....EVER sure if I do the homework correctly. I think I may be getting, at best, a D in the class. Then I show up there on Wendsday, I get a low quiz score, a low assignment score, and the prof lets the class know about the test we got next week. I thought Wed., but it is Mon., and I have been studying for a different class all week. I am going to fail, I am staying in the class hoping for a curve at the end of the year. Otherwise, I will take it in the summer and make no money...again, and live in DeKalb all summer long...again.
This weekend I was trying to be be all about the studyun, I failed at that. This undoubtably foreshadows my comming Mon. and Tues. I got that CSCI 463 test on 10.06.03 @ 3.0 and a KNPE 111 test on 10.07.03 @ 12.5. I had to read like 5 chapters in a computer book, and 4 in the sports and cultural society book. I got thru 2 in KPNE, and 1 and some pages in CSCI. Damn homework, damn school, damn........you! Sorry, venting.
Speaking of meshing again. Friends are one of the most difficult aspects of life to handle, to mesh together. You, sorry (I didn't mean to speak of all of you reading and assuming that you all felt as I did) I only enjoy seeing the positive in people, no matter how much negative is shown. If there is too much black to see the white, I look at the grey. If there is still too much black, I will look away until I can at least see the grey again. Then, white. Which actually isn't how I view my own life; I like the grey. It is comforatble there, but I suppose when I look at character, I like white. Friends have a spot in everyone's life, but that spot hardly should constitute more than an opinion about your own life. Let a friend talk, be a friend and listen. But do not attempt to influence a decission. You know what I do? Remove myself and see what the situation looks like without me. If it looks better, I stay out until I believe I am needed. Right now, I believe, truely belive, that I belong no place but where I am comfortable. And I am comfortable zoning out in my own world. A world with less distractions and interractions, a world with more quiet and understanding, a world slightly more comforting and easy going, a world more laid back, a world that exists only when I make it. This is not disallusionment or abandonment of reality, this is not unhealthy coping. This is what I am doing, deal with it. I want to belong with my Mtown friends, I want to belong with my girlfriend (which is getting better and better), and above all, I want where I belong to be one place, not two like it seems to be. I want things like they were. Mock as you will, I know people change, but I also know that they change back if happier in a previous state. I changed. I am a fregmented version of the chipper me I thought I was. I will change back when I can, I loathe this me. In fact, during writing this...I think I have come to the conclusion that the little world I described should only be reached out of absolute necessity, the rest I will deal with, snap on, and speak my mind. And, if this goes well, I will command the respect I have had as an easy going, nice guy, and combine it with a small amount of "grab the bull by his dick" and hopefully I will be better off. I can't promise extraordinarry results, because $hit still don't phase me; but when it does, I plan on lettin' ya know.
On that note, I want NOBODY going behind my back. NOBODY. If you got something to say about me, tell me. If you got something to say about my girlfriend, tell me. If you got something to say about my friends, tell me. Family, tell me. Anything worth saying behind my back because you are afraid that it will hurt me, tell me, or screw off! Unless what you have to say is stupid, then don't bother me with your petty comments about how life should be or how my life is. Also, advice is ok, don't tell me what to do, that pisses me off to no end.
I think people talk to me like they are afraid to hurt me. I am glad that has changed. People, say what you want. It hurts to find out something newIf what you have to say changes my opinion of you, you were weak in my mind. But chances are I will think about what you said long into the night, come to terms, sleep, and a new day will come. With its own trials and tribulations. With its own ups and downs, and with its own conclusion. Friends, no matter the state of mind, health, or state of friendship. I won't bail on you until you bail on me. I will hold on to tighter than you think, for longer than you think, and pick up where we left off. Since high school I have lost touch with too many people I said I wouldn't, and it WILL NOT happen again. Everyone gets in ruts. Dig yourself out, look at the situation, dig out of that. And hey, if you can bring someone else out with you, do it, be a friend, or at least someone who cares.
There is much more to write about, but I just want to post this and be done, and sleep. If anyone wants me to continue, let me know. I highly doubt that tho, who comes to this site besides people I know? And they can just listen to me drone on if they really wanted to.
Cohesion. Get it. Or at last effort, go on. Then try to get it back if you miss it. I miss it.
Song quote of the post is: "Watch out for my madallion, my diamonds are wreckless, feels like a midget is
hangin' from my necklace."
Mood: What is a word that combines angry, detached, tired, stressed, depressed, revalated,
and optomistic?
Time of post: 10.06.03 @ 4.0 AM.
On the up side of things, I got a new car. Well, it is new to me. So that makes me happy. It has pep, and room, and air conditioning, and a radio that gets more that two stations. It is a Ford, but it was next to free.
But, that was vanqished by a few things that happened to me. I bobmbed that test by the way. I think I guessed n half the mutiple choice, and I bullshat (yes, shAt) one outta two short answers and essays. So that brought me down. Then the Cubbies, after an AMAZING first inning and quite possiblt the greatest sports moment of the year (Sammy's tieing homerun -- paraphrased from Tony, hope you don't mind), manage to blow the game. That brought me down hard core. But, tommorrow is a new day, a new game, a new problem, a new solution, and a new end. I wish I would get paid soon, I gotta pay a parking ticket that I NEVER KNEW I HAD. Damn the parking services, they sell WAY too many passes, take away spots, and ticket like it is going out of style.
I am either building speakers this weekend, or going to Six Flags. I think that, weather permitting, I will go to the park and get some thrills outta my system. If you wanna go, email me, there may be room for you.
I am not shaving my chin anymore, I am going for an eviler, less little kid-ish look. I have a baby face, I wish I had the "shadow". On the plus side tho, I spend little money in shaving products. Should I get a dog? I think adog would solve some problems.
Does it bother anybody that people try to tell you what to do in your life without being in your life, your shoes, your trials, tribulations, and complexities? It does me, more and more and more. Especially in others lives that have been messed up so much recently that he should not recieve any more negative treatment. People are just mad that the blunt, straight shooter can out-think you, dereail your train of thought with littel effort, and prove to be more logical and rash than you are when you pussy foot around. Shame on you for not being brotherly. That word means close to nothing to close to everyone.
I am not lieing now, I have a test in 12 hours. Not looking forward to this challenge, not at all. I have a feeling I have a few spelling errors in this entry, I should lernt to spell and use more properer grammer...naaaaa, this is how I am gonna do it. I am actually suprized I am using CapItoL LettErs, if you ever talk to me on AIM, whick I encourage you to do so, you would know what I am talking about with the caPs.
"True friends gain trust, while gained friends must aquire true trust." You know who you are who said it, and it is all kinds of true.
Song quote of the post is: "So its root, root, root for the CUBBIES, if they don't win it's a shame."
Mood: Somber at best
Time of post: 10.08.03 @ 3.5 AM
I assume everyboddy saw the Cubbies kick some serious ass the other night. And to the Cubs I say, Great jorb, keep it up. World Series, here come the Cubbies.
I wired up my room to have surround sound last night. I played a lot of pool, did a lot of homework, and got to bed around 7.5 AM. IT WAS GREAT! Energizing! many people think seeing the sun come up would be a bad thing...and, when you see it, it kinda is. But the next day you just feel great, until night time. So, for now, I feel great, awake, happy, and anything else positive I can think of as long as I keep my mind out of the "sad place".
I am going to be putting a lot of punk quotes up when I can't think of anything else to put up as a song quote. I would say Alkaline Trio and Catch 22 will show up a lot. Then you may expect slower or more avantgaurde stuff, like Dave or Soul Coughing. I know those don't belong together, but, deal with it, I like them both a lot. Less Dave now tho, I like him a lot in the summer. Then there will be some emo, and some alternative rock. Constantly splashed in there will be rap. But this is only when something doesn't catch me durning the day on the radio or in the stereo. I'm an eclectic, so expect that from my quotes.
Well, back to programmin'...holy hell, I gotta lock up work.
Work was much better on Weds.
Song quote of the post is: "Sorry I'm late, I was out spoiling my liver / I couldn't wait / The sun was out for far
too long today / And I can't see straight / (But the two of you look awfully pretty -
OR- You're fucking beautiful) / And I couldn't wait / Been awake for far too long
today / And is it strong enough to burn away the cocking wine? / And I'm just tired
enough / If I close my eyes I'll sleep for days / I'l sleep for days!"
Mood: Not bad...not bad at all
Time of post: 10.10.03 @ 4.5 PM
I got my tests back today. Saddness. I got a 68% on the CSCI 463 test. That at least means I am getting that grade in the class. I may be getting a 'D' now, so I suppose something is on the up and up. I have also have a program due in that class tomorrow, so I need to spend this whole day in a computer lab doing homework I don't really know how to do for a class I don't really understand all that well. Test not handed back yet in KNPE 111, but I will prolly let you know what I got on that in a rant later in the week, prolly the Frideey entry.
I have been coding a lot the past few days, and I have had a good feeling about what I was doing...until I compiled it 2 hours before it was due, and had a ton of errors. I debugged it, and still had sme HUGE problem. So I sit in front of my compter...'til 5.0 AM, and think, and change, and optomize, and anything else I can think of. When I finally see the error, I want to go down on a shotgun (not literally, it was just that painful). A easy fix and it took all of one minute. I still don't have the exact correct output, but after seven hours of doing next to nothing I was like, "Screw this, I'm done." Then I wake up after 4 hours of sleep on a rainy day to more computer screens and error messages. Whoreay for school. I get to class, and it is actually due TONIGHT! So I have hours to fix it now, if I want. I can't decide what to feel about this tho, happy I have more time, angry I didn't realize I had more time, or angry that I was up so late. Oh well, I will just be. Speaking of coding...the last program, that did what it was supposed to do for me, did not do the same for the T.A....thus I earn a bad grade.
I am going to have to watch the Cubs kick ass on ESPN GameCast. And rely on AIM buddies to keep me up to date. I am going to hate every minute that I am in the computer lab tonight. Every last minute.
It is a lot different when you stay up late being bored and working than when you are hanging out with good friends. Last week I stayed up WAY LATE, and it was refreshing, now it is depressing and exausting.
Now for an update on the weekend. I hung out with Gus for countless hours talking about everything our heads came up to talk about. And believe me, his head wanted to talk about a lot more issues than mine. This was formal. I went and ate food, I stole a HUGE shot glass (like 8 - 10 shots in one glass), got a great cigar, and stayed up late with the brothers I call friends, some cool pledges I will call friends if they let me, Erin, and some Alumni. It was a good time. A much better time than I had thought was going to come of it considering the circumstances. Gus is gone again. Now there is tons of shit going on with him and our rule enforcing governing body (i.e. Todd Plachert...or however you spell it, i don't even care to look it up i dislike him so much). Some rules are meant to be broken, but some are meant to be shattered, shat upon, and thrown back in the faces of those who care enough to follow or enforce them. His rules are the latter.
I was wrong, this did not spruce up the day. I don't feel anything less or more than early today. Whaddya know? I suppose I feel like I accomplished something. Ahh...a good feeling.
I finished the CSCI 463 assignment...PERFECT. I finished up the CSCI 440 assignment...as close to perfect as I want to make it, and the Cubs found a way to blow it. I am so very very sad.
You know what is a good show to watch, "Carnivale" on HBO. It is twelve episodes, but I may end up buying the DVD series if/when it comes out. I love "The Sopranos", but I have missed the first three seasons, I watched the 4th one sparingly, and I only missed like three from season 5. I plan on not missing a one this upcomming season, but I know it may happen. I may just borrow all the DVD's from Jeff when I get time to watch them...like summer. Also, "6 Feet Under" is good, but I have only seen two episodes ever. I just thought of another DVD series I want. If anyone wants to be nice to me, besides erin, buy me "Sports Night". It is a DVD box set of the entire series. I have seen it countless times on Comedy Central, but never the series in its glory and entirety.
The song quote for today doesn't really have anything to do with feelings about today, but is cool because I lived where Edgebrook Creek is, and went to school and floated schtuff down that little body of water.
Song quote of the post is: "Step one: slit my throat / Step two: play in my blood / Step three: cover me in
dirty sheets / and run laughing out of the house / Step four: stop off at Edgebrook
Creek / and rinse off those crimson hands / You took me hostage and made your
demands / I couldn't meet them so you cut off my fingers."
Mood: I feel tired, I know it is not a mood, but it is what I am. Sleepy, tired, but when it
comes time to sleep, I won't be tired, I won't want to sleep, and I will find myself
growing ever more so tired until Thursday night, when I can sleep in 'til 11.5 Frideey
morning. UPDATE: I was right, check out the time on the post.
Time of post: 10.14.03 @ 4.0 AM
Mood: I don't remember the last time I was let down like this. I feel sad, broken hearted,
and crushed. So, I guess my mood would be a gloomy one, but I cannot find the
correct term. Depressed...maybe, but that is pushing it quiet a bit.
Time of post: 10.16.03 @ 9.0 PM
First off, from now on, I will have a quote of the day. It will be from a movie, TV, music, anything. I still want people to guess where the quotes come from, so I will help out by telling what media it came from.
I ordered "Fight Club" early this week, and it came already. I am Jack's sense of joy. I watched it twice last night. This is a friggen' amazing movie. I feel like my collection quality has jumped from this one movie. It is an amazing, empowering, enlightening, outstanding movie. I love movies that make you think...that make you feel. I need more movies in my collection.
So, I have to break a social norm for my KNPE class. I have no idea what to do. It is due in 2 weeks tho, so I got time. I think I am going to wear pumps all aroud one day...or not. I don't know. Maybe I will close talk. Maybe I will whisper all day. Maybe I will bump into everyone I walk past. Maybe I will stare at people and not look away real quick when they realize. Maybe I will follow people around. Maybe I will talk to someone who doesn't exist about things that don't make sense. Maybe I will...I DON'T KNOW!!! ARGH!!!!! Help!
Quote of the post is: "CANDYBARS!!!" [Movie]
Mood: Not bad...not bad at all
Time of post: 10.17.03 @ 2.5 PM
Let's talk about school. It is getting real damn hard. I knew this would be my hard semester, but I didn't think it would be this hard. Especially with everything else I have had to deal with this semester... I am realizing the seriousness of this semester and it is scaring me. STAT 301, an easy course, or I thought. Since I gave it so little time, it is biting my ass with a froathy jaw. I took it lightly and it took me. Now, I think it may be harder on me for various reasons. Next we got KNPE 111, an easy course. This really isn't that bad. The test I took forever ago came back the other day. I got a 'B'. That stands for "Badass". I think that may be the grade I am getting, but I don't think I turn in any web board assignments in on time; I don't even know when they are really due. I went to class on that crazy Thursday, when I knew it was cancelled. This already was a bad day, so this came as no surprize. Now, the CSCI classes. 440 isn't as bad as I thought, the teacher isn't as bad as I remember. I heard this was a hard class, and the teacher I got wasn't going to help. Turns out the class I feared the most didn't deserve the attention I have been giving it. I got my test grade back (HARDEST TEST EVER) a 61%, but I get to turn it in and maybe get another 7 points. Here is the good news folks, so far with the curve, I got a 'B' on the test. That rules. This was the high point of the day. This teacher is sooooo much cooler than I thouhgt he was back in the day. 463 was a class I thought little of, and as the train rolls on it rolls on without me. I haven't understood in a long time. I think I may be pulling a 68% currently. To graduate with a degree in Computer Science, I need a 2.0 GPA in my classes. This means even if I get a 'D', I may be able to NOT retake the class in the summer. I already plan on a summer class, so maybe I will make no money again...especially if I have to take 2 classes totalin' 7 hours in the summer. Wow....back to 463. I missed class due to a funeral and have no idea what happened. I need to email the TA about help, and prolly the teacher about what I missed yesterday. A good thing now is that I can stay awake in it now because it is getting interesting again, and I am not sick anymore.
Are you feeling ill? I was. [notice the segue into my next topic....i am soooo good] I didn't talk in a normal voice for 5 days. I think I had a small case of tonsilitus and brochitus. I had an ear and sinus infection, and I never got the resulst of my streap test, so I assume I didn't have that. It felt like I had it though. I didn't eat any food in meal form for like 4 days days. Well, once I had a hot pocket...is that dinner? And once I had a cold hot dog wrapped in cheese...is that lunch? Is a chili dog dinner? I guess I did eat a bit. I was eating normal, whatever normal is, since Halloween.
Another sweet segue...YES! My Halloween costume was the $hiznit. I will post pics of it at some time. I was a happy priest. And a boy named "Jason" was rempenting his way into my legion of heaven. There were some people who were offended by the costume, and some that LOVED it. After I post pics, I think I will get the same mixed reactions. I loved it, I thought it was good. At least I wasn't Roy from the Tiger show, or that horrible excuse for a Cubs fan...
Now, should I dare? To drone, or not to drone? Maybe a little... [DRONE]. Does anyone know of sub-leases available? It would help me out tremendously.
Quote of the post is: "...make yo' mammary glands jiggle..." [Song]
Mood: No particular mood at all, I think for right now, I just exist
Time of post: 11.04.03 @ 12.0 PM