Jen's Thoughts
Click here to see the list of journal entries...
Monday, December 27, 1999 The funeral was today. I don't remember how funerals went, I mean, about all the technical stuff. I hardly cried, I didn't even really have to fight myself to hold back tears. I got all my crying out on Wednesday. Last night I slept over at Kim and Derricks. That was a blessing to me, and I know God will bless them for it. They were so hospitable. It was a nice break from home. I didn't want to explode at my family the night before grampas funeral. It was a peaceful night, and I am feeling less sick. Grandma asked me if I wanted to do a reading for the service. I had a list to chose from. I chose a selection from 2 Timothy 2:8-13. Today was a peaceful day, despite all the events and what would or should be a sorrowful event. I feel strengthened; emotionally and spiritually. Meralis and Rob got there. Amy came to support me too. It was such a blessing when I called Rob's house and spoke to Meralis. She said she would come to be there for me. It was very sweet of her. She is a loving person, not to mention that she kept Robs mind off the funeral. (Rob honey, I hope you get over that. I guess I don't mind being sprinkled in the ocean, but tossed? - Long story - Another entry - I love you honey :) Like I said, I was in such a happy mood, I didn't feel the need to cry. I felt like I should be obliging to the other people who weren't so peaceful. They came in crying and gave me their condolences. At first I didn't know how to react. I felt like I was greeting people at church. Was I smiling too much? Should I be crying with them? Do I look at death that much differently? How many of them had some sort of unfinished business or unspoken words? (Remind myself to also write about Grandma Gocha. Today was one of the nicest nights with her I can remember in a long time. I look at her a lil differently now.) We then headed on our way to the St Charles for the service. It is a Catholic church, but I knew a lot of the hymns and chants - It is very similar to what I used to do at Our Fathers. I got up to read, got through it. Didn't cry or stutter, Thank you God. I asked that God would use me somehow today. So I read the scripture and went back to my seat. Towards the very end of the service, the priest asked for people to come up and share their thoughts about George. I sat in silence, expecting someone to get up. Dead silence. I looked around. No one even looked like they were even contemplating it. Someone lives for 75 years and no one will get up to say a good word? I sat and waited as long as I could. Surely, I thought, someone will have something to say. Completely silent. I couldn't let it end like that. Not one person would stand up and say something. I felt it would be a dishonor to leave it that way. So again, I made my way to the podium. I remember thinking, sheesh, these people must think I am a ham or something - That I must love being on stage. But I really don't care. That was my grandpa and no one could or would say anything about him. I spoke of a lot of the things I typed in the above letter; about fishing and snoopy and how I loved that gasoline smell ever since grampa took me to Yadro's. I even made people laugh a little bit. I like to do that, to at least bring some sort of joy or blessing to people. I guess that was the opportunity that I asked God for. Although I didn't preach a sermon, I would like to think that I made an impact for Christ while I stood up there. Yes, I did it out of respect for grampa. Maybe God knew I would be the one up there. I firmly believe that the strongest witness we have is not what comes out of our mouths, but what comes out of our hearts. It is a living example. My life is my testimony, my actions are my witness. I think this was also God's way of telling me "You can stand and talk about your grandfather to this crowd, you can also talk about your heavenly Father." It also made me understand how God feels when we refuse to tell someone about Jesus. I know God was giving me peace. I can't believe I was not a sobbing mess today. 'After the service and at dinner, a lot of the people thanked me or told me how nice it was for me to go up there. God, was I bold enough? Did my actions speak for themselves? I hope seeds were sown today. That something joyous can come from grampa's death and my family's sadness.
Click here to see the list of journal entries...
SITE MAP
MAIN PAGE - QUOTES, POETRY, ETC. - LINKS - ARTIST HIGHLIGHT - ABOUT JENE
INSPIRATIONAL STORIES - PHOTO ALBUM - MESSAGE BOARD - GUESTBOOK - SLAMBOOK
