WISDOM TEETH
By: Jennifer Maurer & Katilina

"I want to go home."

"Nothing doing, Mulder."

"Why not?"

"Because if I have to listen to you whimper for one more day, I'll pull them myself.  And you won't like it."

"But, Scully," he whined, "I hate dentists."

"You'll hate yourself more if you try to leave, Mulder.  I'll make sure of it.  Now sit still and read this nice magazine."  Scully shoved a wrinkled bunch of pages into his hand.

Mulder flipped the pages petulantly, then tossed the magazine aside.

"Maybe they won't have to come out," he said.

Scully sighed and rolled her eyes.  "Mulder, you can't even chew on the left side of your mouth anymore.  The bottom wisdom tooth is coming in, your gums are swollen, and the infection is spreading up the inside of your cheek.  Face it.  You need to have your wisdom teeth pulled.  Why this wasn't done long ago is beyond me."

"They never bothered me before."

"Well, they're bothering *me* now, so you're staying."

Scully turned back to the medical journal she'd brought along to read, hoping that would be the end of it.  Mulder, as usual, had brought nothing to read, and amused himself by tormenting her.  <Really, it's like having a child of my own...or another pet.>  She stifled a sigh.

"When did you have *yours* out?"

"Beg pardon?"

"Your wisdom teeth, Scully.  How old were you when you had yours out?"

"I didn't."

Mulder gaped at her, not believing her luck.  "You never had them out?  You mean they're still in there? Let me see..." He squeezed her jaw, trying to make her mouth pop open.  Scully swatted his hand away.

"I never had them out because I don't have any, Mulder."

"You're kidding.  Everyone has them."

"No, Mulder, *everyone* doesn't.  It's rare, but some people are actually born without them."  She couldn't hide a small smile of satisfaction at the expression on his face.  "Better close your mouth, breathing through it increases the chances of infection."  Mulder snapped his mouth shut and Scully relented, saying, "I was only kidding, that's not true."

"Thanks, kick me while I'm down."

"Just trying to take your mind off your anxiety."

"That's easy, let's go shoot some pool and have a couple beers."

"No."

"C'mon, Scully..."

"Fox William Mulder, one more peep out of you and I'm going to do something you'll regret."

"Oooh," he said, leering at her, "Like what?"

Scully slapped her magazine shut and gave him one of her patented don't-try-my-patience-Mulder looks.  "Close your eyes and imagine the worst possible thing I could do to you."

Mulder complied, a faint smile still lurking around the corners of his mouth.

"Got it?" she asked.

"Hmmmm, yeah," Mulder drawled, "You'd really do that to me?"

"No," she answered icily, "I'd do something a thousand times worse."

Mulder's eyes popped open and his smile vanished under her glare.  He gulped quietly and turned his attention to the magazine he'd tossed aside.  Scully watched him for a moment, and her heart softened at the hang-dog look on his face.

"Mulder, this is for your own good, really.  I'm not trying to be a hard-ass..."

"Well, you're doing an admirable job nonetheless," he muttered.  Scully chose to ignore his remark.

"Mr. Mulder?  The doctor will see you now," a nurse called out from the doorway of the office.

"Scully, don't make me go!  Please!" he whined as he stood and started to go toward the door.

"Mulder, just go.  Don't worry about it.  You'll be fine," she said soothingly to the obviously terrified Mulder.

"Since you're making me do this, please come with me!  Please!" he begged, turning his puppy
dog look on full force.  Scully sighed dejectedly.

"All right, Mulder.  Let's go," she said, picking up magazine and following a semi-happy Mulder to the door.

"O.K.,  Mr. Mulder.  This will just pinch a bit," the nurse said, picking up the rather large needle
that was laying on the tray next to the dentist's chair.  Mulder looked at Scully with wide eyes.

"Um...never mind.  I don't think I need this.  They feel a whole lot better, all of a sudden," he said
quickly, sitting up as fast as he could. Unfortunately, sitting up so quickly made the blood rush from his head.  Scully, seeing the look of intense pain on his face, walked over to the chair and laid her hand on his shoulder.

"Mulder, just relax.  It's just a little shot.  It won't hurt a bit," she said calmly, forcing him to lay back down.

"Scully, I hate shots!" he complained.

"Remember that pain you just had a few minutes ago?" she asked, gently smoothing the hair away from his forehead.

"Yeah," he said quietly, staring into her eyes.

"It will be NOTHING compared to what I will do to you if you don't get this done.  Understand?"
she threatened.

"What are you going to do, shoot me?" he teased, but his eyes remained terrified.

"No, I've already done that," she said, sitting back down calmly.  The nurse looked at them strangely.  All this talk about shootings and things were kinda spooky.

"Mr. Mulder, now open wide," the nurse said picking up the needle.  He complied, after throwing a glare at Scully.  The nurse quickly stabbed Mulder in the mouth and then left to find the doctor.

"I foght it wan't gonna hrt," Mulder mumbled through his now numbing mouth.

"Don't be such a baby, a little shot couldn't have hurt that much," she said, shaking her head at him.
Just then the doctor walked in.

"Hello, everyone.  This is what we're going to do today.  Ms. Scully, if you don't mind I would like to use your mouth as a demonstration," the dentist said as he breezed into the room.

"First, we are going to make sure that you are all numb, and then we're going to take these pliers and yank out the tooth that is sitting right here in....  Hey!  Ms. Scully, you have a huge cavity in your back tooth.  We need to drill it out of there now, or you could lose the tooth," the dentist said after peering into her mouth.

"Why don't you go sit over there, and I'll get the nurse to come over and give you some Novocain," the dentist said, motioning over to the other room as he left.

"Look what you've gotten me into..." Scully complained as she threw Mulder her dirtiest look.  Mulder just grinned.  This day wasn't turning out so bad after all.

Scully stomped into the patient room next door to Mulder's, wondering how he could get her in trouble even during a mundane event like going to the dentist.  <Of course, with Mulder, nothing is mundane.  I should know better by know> she thought wryly.  <Well, the least I can do is set a good example and take this like an FBI agent.>

"Ms. Scully, I'm Dr. Wilkie," said the young woman in the white coat who walked in the room.  "I'm Dr. Call's associate, I'll be taking care of you while he works on your partner."

"Then you definitely got the better end of the deal," Scully said.  The dentist laughed.

"Yes, Mr. Mulder was putting up quite a fuss until we promised him he'd be knocked out."

"Is it that bad?"  Scully asked, concerned.

"Well," the dentist answered, "Dr. Call will have to break up his wisdom teeth and take them out a piece at a time, and it's always tricky when they've broken through the gums as Mr. Mulder's have.  However, I've seen people worse off than him who had to go into the hospital on an outpatient basis.  In your partner's case, the anesthesia is more for Dr. Call's benefit."

"He may want some for himself when he's done with Mulder," Scully grumbled, gripping the arm rests of the chair.  "Let's get this over with."

Scully's procedure was relatively simple as it was just a cavity to be filled.  Dr. Wilkie worked fast, yet with a gentle touch.  The injection of Novocain didn't bother Scully so much.  It was the whirling drill approaching her face that made her nervous.  Dr. Wilkie spoke softly to her as she worked and in a short while Scully was done.

"Now you'll have some tenderness on that side of your mouth, so I'd stick with soft foods.  The numbness should wear off in a few hours.  How do you feel?"

"Like half my lower jaw is missing," Scully mumbled with some difficulty.  She rose unsteadily from the chair, "And I'm kind of dizzy."

"That's not unusual," Dr. Wilkie commented, "You should have someone else come get you and Mr. Mulder so you won't have to drive.  Why don't I show you to the patient lounge and you can wait for your partner there."

"Thank you," Scully muttered between clenched teeth, finding it hurt less if she kept her jaw perfectly still.  She zigzagged down the hall behind Dr. Wilkie and dropped gratefully into the chair.  She pulled out her cel phone to call her mom to come pick them up.

"Hello?"

"Mmm, it's Dnnuh" Scully muttered, still keeping her jaw clamped shut.

"Who?  Who is this?"  Maggie Scully asked.

"Dnnuh!  Yur dtter!  I'm at the dntst with Mldr."

"Dana, honey, is that you?  What's wrong?"

Scully made the sacrifice and opened her mouth to speak so this conversation wouldn't last all day. "Mom, it's Dana.  I'm at the dentist with Mulder.  He had to have his wisdom teeth out and they found a cavity in my mouth so we had it done at the same time.  We need someone to come get us, we can't drive for awhile."

"Oh, Dana, sweetheart, you and Fox went to the dentist together?  That's so wonderful, you being there by his side in his hour of need."

Scully would have ground her teeth in frustration if it wouldn't have hurt so much.  "Mulder wouldn't go without me, Mom, but that's a story for another day.  Can you please come get us?"

"Of course, dear, I'll be there in a little while."

Scully hung up just as two giggling nurses led Mulder through the door.  Between the wads of gauze keeping his mouth half-open and the glazed look in his eyes, he looked a little like Bob Denver from "Gilligan's Island."  Scully smirked at the sight of her usually sharp partner weaving and staggering his way to a seat.  The nurses plopped him down and left, still grinning over their shoulders.  Scully made her way over and sat beside him.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

Mulder gave a wet grunt and gestured to his swollen jaw.  He raised his eyebrows and pointed at her face.

"Oh, not too bad.  I'm just numb on the one side.  Mom's coming to get us."

Mulder nodded approval and poked his chin with his forefinger.

"What, it hurts?"

He shook his head.

"Numb?"

He nodded, then pointed to his nose and gestured downward towards his chin.

"You face is numb from under your nose to your chin?"  Scully asked.

He nodded.

"So I bet you can't talk, then."

Mulder nodded again.

"Good," Scully replied with satisfaction, "peace and quiet for a few days."

Mulder stuck his thumbs in his ears and wiggled his fingers at her.  Then he pulled his slim leather notebook from his jacket pocket and scribbled on it.

<You're not talking so great yourself.  This gauze tastes terrible, when can I take it out?>

"Not for a few days, Mulder, unless you want to come back and have the sutures put in again."

Mulder shook his head violently and put the notebook away.  One of the giggling nurses stuck her head in the room.

"Um, Ms. Scully, your mom's here to pick you up," she said, and retreated.

"Come on, Mulder," she said, rising and taking his hand, "Let's go."

Mulder draped his arm around Scully's shoulders; more for effect, she thought, than any real dizziness.  Mulder knew that her mother looked on the two of them as her personal experiment in matchmaking, and he intended to make the most of this situation.

"Oh, Fox, look at you," Mrs. Scully clucked, taking Mulder's arm and leading them to her car.  "We're just going to make a quick stop at the store on our way home.  I don't have a thing in the house."

"Mom, I dnt wanta go groshery shopping!" Scully whined, finding it harder and harder to talk.

"Honey, we have to go shopping. I don’t have anything at my house soft enough for you two to eat.  So just come along," Mrs. Scully said, opening the door of the car and getting out.

"Ah yur hase?" Mulder questioned, speaking for the first time since they had left the dentist’s office.

"Of course!  What did you think, I was going to let you two go home and mistreat yourselves?" Mrs. Scully questioned, raising her eyebrow in a very "Scullyish" way.

"But, we have to go bck to wurk tomorrow," Scully complained, even though she was looking forward to spending a few days around her mother.

"No, you don’t.  What is Assistant Director Skinner’s number?" Mrs. Scully asked, pulling out her cell phone.

"555-8967," Dana said with a frustrated sigh.  Mrs. Scully quickly dialed the number and talked to Skinner.  Once she got off the phone a few minutes later she was grinning.

"Whut?" Mulder asked, having considerably more trouble speaking than Scully.

"You two both have a week of paid vacation!"  Mrs. Scully said, beaming.

"What?  Fur a cavity?" Dana asked incredulously, not caring that she was making a scene in the parking lot of the grocery store.

"Yes, and for once you are going to take care of yourself," Mrs. Scully said sternly and then started walking towards the door of the store.  Dana just rolled her eyes and followed, and Mulder trailed behind her.  He had a huge grin on his face.  He just loved it when Dana got angry...

***2 hrs later***

"Now, I want you two to eat all this pudding since you didn’t eat any of that spaghetti I made for you.  If it isn’t all gone by the time I get back...," Mrs. Scully threatened and then walked out the front door to run to the pharmacy to fill the pain medication.

"If it isn’t all gone by the time I get back..." Mulder mimicked, his talking considerably better.

"Shut-up and eat your pudding," Scully ordered, glaring down at the chocolate pudding that was filling the bowl.

"Why?  What are you going to do, shoot me?  Oh, wait.  You’ve already done that," he teased, throwing back the phrase she had used earlier at the dentist’s office. He ducked expecting to receive her best glare, but instead got hit in the face with a glob of chocolate pudding.

"Why, Scully!  You do know that this means war, don’t you?" Mulder said, wiping as much pudding off of his face as possible.

"Never claim war on a Scully," Dana warned, getting ready to get out of the way for when he decided to fire.

"I’m surprised at you, Scully.  Playing these childish games," Mulder said, shaking his head as he got up and walked towards the sink to set down his bowl.  Instead, he made a detour and quickly dropped half of his bowl of pudding on the top of her head.  She yelped and then turned around and dumped the rest of her bowl inside of his sweatpants as he dumped the rest of his down the front of her shirt.  They were both laughing hysterically, covered in pudding, when Mrs. Scully walked in.

"Dana Katherine Scully!  What in heaven's name are you doing?" Mrs. Scully asked, a shocked expression on her face.

"Mom! I can explain,"  Dana said surprised, looking around guiltily as if trying to survey the damage.

"You better be able to explain.  It looks to me, though, that you and Mulder had a fight.  First off, I want you two to kiss and make up," Mrs. Scully said sternly, trying with all of her might to hold back a smile.  She knew quite well that they hadn’t got in a fight, she just wanted to see them kiss while covered in pudding.  Dana looked at her mom in shock.

"Mom..."  she protested, but trailed off when she saw her mother’s expression.  She turned to Mulder and slowly hugged him.  When he put his arms around her, they made a squishing noise because of the pudding.  They both cracked up.

"Now the kiss," Mrs. Scully demanded.  Dana turned to her mother with a warning look.  Mrs. Scully threw the look back full force.  After all, she learned from the master.  She didn’t have to wait for Dana to move, Mulder did it for her.  He leaned down to slowly kiss her, and the moment their lips met they both doubled over in pain.

"Damn!" Mrs. Scully cursed quietly.  She slowly led a hurting Dana and Fox upstairs to get changed and cleaned up.  She was so close...

"Okay now, you two, no more funny stuff," Mrs. Scully said in her best scolding voice.  "You're both going get cleaned up.  Then it's time for your pain medication.  Dana, you take my bathroom, and Fox, you can use the guest bathroom down the hall."

"Are there toy boats for the bathtub---OUCH!"  Mulder exclaimed as Scully swatted him for making such a silly remark.

"I don't want to have to separate you two," Mrs. Scully said, only half-joking.  "Be good and come back downstairs when you're done."

Scully quickly cleaned herself up and headed for the stairs.  She nearly collided with Mulder coming down the hallway.  She shot him her best Scully-glare and haughtily walked down the stairs ahead of him.  Grinning madly, without a shred of remorse, Mulder followed her.

Mrs. Scully was waiting for them with two glasses of water and two rather large pain pills.

"These would choke a horse," Mulder commented.

"You should be used to them by now, all the times you've gotten hurt on our cases," Scully snapped.  She refrained from further comment at the warning look she got from her mother and quietly gulped her medication.  Mulder did the same.  Mrs. Scully led them both into the living room.

"You're probably going to feel a little woozy, so why don't you two just relax here and watch some TV.  If you need anything, just call me."

"Thanks, Mom," Scully said.

"Yeah, thanks, Mom," Mulder echoed.

"Shut up, she's not your Mom," Scully said.

"My, my, pain medication makes you grouchy, doesn't it?"

"I guess my tolerance isn't as high as yours," she replied.

"Sure, fine, whatever," he replied, picking up the remote.  "Ooooh, girls beach volleyball on ESPN.  The day is looking up."

Scully leaned over and snatched the remote away.  "Not for long.  We're watching something else."

Scully flipped around, avoiding all of Mulder's obvious efforts to get the remote back.  Finally she found something she liked.

"Oh, 'Quincy'. I love this show."

"Geez, it's not enough you cut up dead bodies for a living, but you gotta watch it on TV, too?" Mulder whined blearily, "I don't think so."

He distracted Scully by tickling her and took the remote away, holding it over his head so she couldn't reach it.

"'Gilligan's Island.'  You know, I could never figure out why they canceled this show," Mulder said.

Scully clambered to her feet and stood on the couch unsteadily, starting to feel the effects of the painkiller. She tried desperately to take the remote away from her juvenile partner.

"Mulder, we are *not* watching kiddie shows.  I refuse to accept that a professor would build washing machines out of coconuts.  It's impossible."

"That's the great thing about TV, Scully. The impossible becomes probable."

"Oh, right, like that show you always watch with the two FBI agents?  I've never seen anything more ludicrous in my life!  The writers for that show know nothing about the FBI!  Partners don't sleep together!"

"The lucky ones do," he replied.

Scully plopped back down on the sofa, exhausted from jumping all over the cushions.  Mulder was leaving her no other choice.  She'd grown up with two older brothers who'd tormented the life out of her.  She was the baby girl.  She knew what to do.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!  MULDER'S HOGGING THE TV AND MAKING ME WATCH STUPID STUFF!"  Scully whined mournfully.  Mulder stared her, shocked.  Then he dropped the remote and lunged for her.  She responded by trying to dive past him and grab the remote from the floor.

Mrs. Scully walked in, expecting to find them with their guns drawn, at the very least.  Who would have guessed that one little painkiller could turn two professionals into squabbling children?  Children with guns that shot real bullets.  Anxiously, she hurried into the room.

And found Mulder and her daughter tangled up on the floor together, giggling helplessly.  Every time they tried to get up, they just fell down again, laughing harder.  Scully patted Mulder on the head and this set them off again.  Mrs. Scully backed out of the room quietly.  Obviously her interference wasn't needed here.  She just let them laugh and wrestle.  They would wear themselves out eventually.

***2 hrs later***

Mrs. Scully quietly snuck into the room, just making sure that Dana and Fox hadn’t killed each other.  It had been quiet for almost half an hour.  What she saw made her smile from ear to ear.  Dana and Fox were cuddled together on the floor, their limbs hopelessly tangled.  They were both sound asleep.  This week might not be too bad, she thought, as long as she didn't run out of painkillers.
 

The End