Into The Woods To Get Back Lost Dignity

Cast:

Narrator: Gus

Cinderella: Victoria

Jack: Mistoffelees

Jack's Mother: Jellylorum

Baker: Munkustrap

Baker's Wife: Demeter

Cinderella's Stepmother: Jennyanydots

Florinda: Exotica

Lucinda: Bombalurina

Cinderella's Father: Skimbleshanks

Little Red Ridinghood: Jemima

Witch: Cassandra

Cinderella's Mother: Jellylorum

Mysterious Man: Gus

Wolf: Rum Tum Tugger

Granny: Grizabella

Rapunzel: Rumpleteazer

Rapunzel's Prince: Mungojerrie

Cinderella's Prince: Rum Tum Tugger

Steward: Alonzo

Giant: Grizabella

Snow White: Electra

Sleeping Beauty: Etcetera

Act 1, Scene 1

On one of the stage's sides, Gus the Narrator stands.

Gus: Once upon a time-

At Victoria's house, Victoria is doing some chores.

Vicky: (singing) I wish... I wasn't here.

Gus: -in a far away land-

Vicky: More than anything...

Gus: -lived a young queen-

Vicky: More than life... Okay, not really.

Gus: -a sad young tom-

Vicky: More than jewels...

At Mistoffelees' house, Misto is inside trying to milk some dumb cow.

Misto: (singing) I also wish I wasn't here...

Watching the Jellicles backstage is Mitsue.

Mitsue: Oh, shut up!

Gus: -and a kittenless baker-

Misto: Not more than life...

At the Baker's house, Munkustrap and Demeter are baking no da.

Vicky, Munku: I wish... I could get my dignity back.

Gus: -with his mate.

Misto: But more than anything...

Vicky, Munku, Misto: More than the Jellicle moon...

Demi: (singing) I wish... I wasn't here.

Mitsue: (Hits her head against a large wooden object.)

Vicky: The King is giving a festival, and I wanna be there instead of here...

Munku, Demi: Not more than life...

Misto: I wish... I wasn't here.

Vicky: I wish to go to the festival-

(to Mitsue) I've made my point clear, can I go now?

Mitsue: No.

Munku, Demi: But more than catnip...

Vicky: -and the Ball.

Misto: I wish my cow (would trample the author) give us some milk.

Mitsue: I heard that.

Vicky, Demi: More than anything...

Munku: I wish we had a kitten.

Misto: (to the dumb cow) Please, pal, (trample the author)-

Mitsue: (glares at Misto)

Demi: I want a kitten...

Misto: Squeeze, pal...

Vicky: I wish to go to the Festival, pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaasssssssssssseeeeeee?

Misto: I wish you'd (trample the author) give us some milk or even cheese...

Munku, Demi: I wish we might have a kitten.

All Four: I wish... I want my dignity back.

Jennyanydots and the stepsisters enter at Vicky's place.

Jenny: (to Vicky) You wish to go to the Festival?

Gus: The poor queen's mother had died-

Jenny: You, Vicerella, the Festival? You wish to go to the Festival?

Exotica: What, you, Vicerella, the Festival? The Festival?!

Bombalurina: What, you wish to go to the Festival?

Vicky: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Can we get on with it?

Gus: -and her father had taken for his new mate-

Jenny: But still, the Festival!!!???

Vicky: (sighs)

Gus: -a queen with two kittens of her own.

Exo: (to Vicky) Look at your claws!

Bomba: Look at your fur!

Jenny: People would laugh at you-

Vicky: (to Mitsue) Can we skip this?

Gus: Mistack, on the other hand, had no father, and his mother-

Jellylorum enters Misto's house.

Jelly: (singing) I wish... I wasn't here.

Gus: Well, she was not quite beautiful-

Jelly: (to Gus) You better be careful for now on.

(singing) I wish my kitten could aim his lightning straight.

out I wish my house was not a mess.

left I wish the cow would trample the author.

out I wish the walls were made out of catnip.

out I wish a lot of things...

out(to Misto) You foolish kitten! What in heavyside's name are you doing with the cow in the house?

outMisto: A warm environment might be just what Milky-White needs to produce his milk and get the guts to trample the author.

outMitsue: Is this going to be a standing joke?

outJelly: It's a she! How many times must I tell you? Only shes can give milk. And she can get her courage outside!

outBack to the Baker and his Wife. Someone knocks on the door. Demi opens it, and discovers Jemima. Lots of applause, because Little Red Riding Hood is one of the best two roles in the whole play.

outDemi: Why, come in, little girl.

outJemi: I wish... I wasn't here.

out It's not for me,

out It's for my granny in the woods.

out A loaf of bread, please-

out To bring my poor old hungry

out Granny in the woods...

out Just a loaf of bread, please...

out So we can get this over with

out And I can get the heck out of here,

out Please...

outMunku gives her a loaf of bread.

outVicky's house.

outGus: Vicerella's stepmother had a so-called surprise for her, which was actually another way to be cruel to her.

outJenny: I have emptied a pot of lentils into the ashes for you. If you have picked them out again in two minutes' time, you shall go to the Ball with us.

outJenny and the stepsisters exit.

outBaker's house.

outJemi: And perhaps a sticky bun?...

out Or four?...

outVicky's house.

outVicky: Birds in the sky,

outBirds in the eaves,

outIn the leaves,

outIn the fields,

outAnd everywhere else...

outBaker's house.

outJemi: And some of that catnip...

outMunku: Oh no, we're not about to let you get stoned on the way to Granny's.

outVic. H.

outVicky: Come, little birds,

outDown from the eaves

outIn the leaves,

outJust come here before I lose my patience!

outMisto's H.

outMisto: (to the cow who won't trample the author) No, squeeze, idiot.

outVic. H.

outVicky: (falling into a trance while thinking of herself eating the little birdies)

outYuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmm...

outBirds go to the fireplace

outVicky: (back to singing) Quick, little birdies,

left Flick through the ashes.

left Pick and peck, but swiftly,

out For my family will want to eat you,

left Now into the pot, where you will be cooked.

(evil grin appears on her face while chuckling softly like an evil person)

Misto's H.

Jelly: Listen well, kitten. Milky-White must be taken to the market.

Misto: But. Mother, no-he's the only cow who can-

Jelly: Was. Was! She's been dry for a week. We've no food nor money nor catnip nor-

Gus: Fast-forward time.

Bak. H.

Jemi: Into the woods,

out It's time to go,

out Says the author,

out I don't wanna, though.

out Into the woods-

out It's time and so,

out Mitsue is threatening me.

out Into the woods

out And up the trees

out To where I am

out Expected, Ma'am,

out Into the woods

out To Grandmother's house-

out(stuffs a cookie into her mouth)

out Into the woods

out To Grandmother's house-

outDemi: Do you know your way?

outJemi: The way is clear,

outThe light is good,

out I have no fear,

out And no one should,

out The woods aren't just trees,

out The trees aren't just wood, (Sometimes they're cardboard)

out I sort of hate to ask it,

out But do you have a basket?

outDemi sighs before handing Jemi a basket.

outMunku: Don't stray and be late, although that's what will happen since you're Little Red Riding Jemima.

outDemi: And if you have to be a pig, then at least save a crumb for Granny!

outJemi: Hey! Into the woods

out And down the dell,

out The path is straight,

out I know it well.

out Into the woods,

out And who can tell

out What's waiting in this spoof?

outLet's skip a verse.

outJemi: But into the woods,

out Into the woods,

out Into the woods

out To Grandmother's house

out And home before dark!

out(manages to snag more sweets before exiting)

outVic. H.

outThe birds that have helped Vicky with her task are now trapped in a big bird cage, courtesy of Vicky.

outVicky: Stay there, birds,

out Not back to the sky,

out Or the eaves,

out Or the leaves,

out Or the fields,

out Or the-

outExo and Bomba enter, dressed for the Ball.

outExo: Hurry up and do my hair, Vicerella!

out(to Bomba) Are you really wearing that?

outBomba: Here, I found a little tear, Vicerella!

out(to Exo) Can't you hide it with a hat?

outVicky: You both look beautiful.

outExo: Thank you.

outBomba: She meant me.

outExo: (grunts)

outBomba: Who will be there?

outShe and Exo continue to babble nonsense. Vicky ignores this.

outVicky: (to herself) Mother said be good,

out Father said be nice,

out That was always their advice.

out Good Vicerella,

out Nice Vicerella.

out Nice good good nice-

outExo: Harder!

outVicky: What's the good of being good

out If everyone is blind

out Always leaving you behind?

out Never mind, Vicerella,

out Kind Vicerella-

out Nice good nice kind good nice-

outVicky accidentally causes pain to Exo.

outExo: (yelps and slaps Vicky) Not that hard!

outVicky: Sorry.

outExo: Clod.

outBomba: (laughs)

outBak. H.

outGus: Because the baker had lost his mother and father in a baking accident-

outDemi: I could have thought of a better excuse.

outGus: Well, at least it's what he believed-he was eager to have a family of his own, which, as you have seen, hasn't come true yet.

outA knock on the Baker's door.

outMunku: Who might that be? (goes off to see)

outDemi: We've sold our last loaf of bread.

outMunku: It's that witch from next door!

outCassandra enters, hunched over and wearing a black robe while using a knobby stick as a cane. Some more applause. You can guess what role's the second best in the play.

outDemi, Munku: We have no bread.

outCassie: Of course you have no bread.

outMunku: What do you wish?

outCassie: It's not what I wish, it's what you wish. (looks around) No little kittens running around here, now, is there?

outGus: The old enchantress went on to tell the couple that she had placed a spell on their house.

outMunku: What spell? You placed a curse on us so we couldn't have kittens, didn't you?

outCassie: Ummm... maybe.

outDemi: Why?

outCassie: Long story, but in the end your mother died and I claimed your little sister as my own daughter.

outMunku: Little sister?

outCassie: Yes, a little sister. Oh, and your father stole some beans and a bang! Crash! The lightning flashed and- that's another story, never mind.

outMunku, Demi: (really confused)

outGus: The witch wouldn't tell him anymore. Not even the little sister's name, which was Rumpunzel.

outTeazer's scream is heard from backstage.

outMisto's H.

outJelly: Now listen to me, Mistack. Lead Milky-White to the market and fetch the best price you can. Take no less than five pounds of kippers. Are you listening to me?

outMisto: Yes, mother.

outFast-forward

outBak. H.

outGus: Meanwhile, the witch, for purposes of her own, explained how the baker might lift the spell:

outCassie: You wish to have

out The curse reversed?

out I'll need a certain

out Potion first.

out Go to the wood and bring me back

out One: The cow as white as milk,

out Two: The cape as red as blood,

outDemi: Ewww.

outCassie: Three: The hair as striped as a tabby,

out Four: The slipper as pure as gold.

out Bring me these

out Before the chime

out Of midnight

out In three days' time,

out And you shall have,

out I guarantee,

out A kitten as perfect

out As kitten can be.

outMunku and Demi rejoice.

outCassie: Go to the wood!

outCassie disappears.

outGus: Back to Victoria. She had shown the lentils to her stepmother, who still refused to let her go. After they left, Vicerella sat down and cried.

outVicky: (sniffling) This character's a wimp.

outBak. H.

outMunku: Look what I found in Father's hunting jacket! Six beans!

outDemi: Maybe they'll help us in this parody. I really doubt it, but-

outMitsue: AUUURRRGGGHHHH! What is this? I used up eleven pages on Scene 1!!! What am I going to do?

outCats: We know.

outMitsue: Oi. (cancels rest of scene 1 from script, but is gracious enough to the readers to supply a summary)

Gus: Vicerella, Mistack, and the baker and his mate sing a song about how they have to go into the woods; Vicerella to visit her mother's grave, Mistack to sell Milky White, and the baker to go break the spell, while his mate follows him. And that is the end of Scene 1.

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