Saati: (strangled noise) We're doing WHAT?
Anon: Can't you read?! We're doing the Catcracker.
Mitsue: It's like a Christmas gift to all those Cats-lovers out
there.
Anon: Not to mention a gift to you guys, our faithful (all Cats
cringe) cast and crew.
Anon and Mitsue smile sickeningly at the assembled Cats
Anon and Mitsue: Merry Christmas!
Cats groan
Anon: And here's the best part- we're doing the BALLET
version! Strap on your toe shoes, kitties, and get ready to
rumble!
Cats: AAAAAAUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE
HORRIDNESS!
Anon and Mitsue giggle in delight
Munku: (muttered) Of all the writing sisters of the world, we get
stuck with that pair.
Alonzo: Well... at least hot pink spaghetti sauce isn't involved
this time.
Mitsue: (runs over and bonks him with her frying pan (which
isn't the original, btw. MINE is) It was necessary to the plot.
Besides, the color came out after a few months...
Alonzo: (whimpers) Mother.
Macavity: I REFUSE to wear toe shoes!
Anon: Baka. Don't you know that only females wear toe shoes?
Macavity: I know. I said that just in case you were getting any
ideas.
Anon: (muttered) Ungrateful cat... But anyway, here's the cast
list!
Cats shrink away from the piece of paper
Anon: Wimps.
Mitsue: (grabs a bullhorn) All right, line up in an orderly,
alphabetic line, a to z, listen to me to find out who you are, then
go collect your costume from the costumers. NOW!!!
The cats scramble around and finally get into line.
Mitsue: First, Claria's role will be fulfilled by... MARIA!!!
All: MARIA! I JUST MET A QUEEN NAMED MARIA!
MAARIIIIIAAAAA-
Anon: Shut UP!! I think she meant the Italian Himalayan.
Maria's jaw drops open. She stomps up to Mitsue.
Mitsue: Congrats!
Maria: But I can't dance!!! I'M THE DAUGHTER OF A TOP
MAFIA CRIME TOM!!! MY BEST SKILL IS GETTING
TOGETHER WITH MY RELATIVES AND GANGING UP
ON CATS WHO OWE US MOOLAH AND
THREATENING THEIR LIVES UNLESS THEY GIVE IN!!!!
Mitsue: You done rantin', hon?
Maria slowly nods.
Mitsue: Then get your costume NOW!!!!! Now the Prince will
be played by... (pauses)
Mistoffelees, Alonzo, and several other toms are praying
that it's not them.
Mitsue: MACAVITY!!!!!!
Macavity: Yes! I finally get to be the good guy! (runs up and
hugs a startled Mitsue)
Mitsue: It's finally happened. He's gone bonkers.
Maria: (outraged) I have to dance with THAT?!
Fast forward a few hours. The Cats are coming out the
costume room and heading for the dressing rooms, some
carrying a mountain of costumes. Well, actually, some of
them are done or putting on the finishing touches.
Saati: Out of all the narrating cats, I am chosen to be the special
one.
Electra: (is about to fall over underneath the weight of her
costumes and her toe shoes) Well, at lea- (one of her shoes
hits her head. She stumbles and falls backwards, buried in
costumes.)
Saati: On second thought, maybe it's better that I was assigned
to one role.
Saati walks off as Lec gets back up and picks up her load.
Maria flings open the queens' dressing room as Lec reaches
it. The door smacks Lec in the face and knocks her over
again.
Maria: (helps Lec up) Sorry, didn't know you were there.
Lec: Suuuuuuuure, you didn't.
Anon: (pops up suddenly) Hiya! Ya know what time it is? It's
STAGE TIME!!!
Maria: (flat tone) Oh joy.
Lec: (same flat tone) It's my favorite time.
Anon: Lovely job on the sarcasm, though it's not going to save
you this time.
Mitsue: (again with the bullhorn) Now listen up, O kitty
thespians! We're going to go out there and DANCE!
Maria: But, Anon, Mitsue, we don't know the dance yet. We
haven't been taught anything about this.
Anon and Mitsue exchange looks
Anon: Slight oversight. Okay, head to the rehearsal rooms.
Misto: I have a better idea!
Mitsue: Oh, please enlighten us.
Misto sends high packed lightning volts into everyone's
brain, packed with the choreography
Cats: Ouch and drat.
Mitsue: And noooooow... GET OUT THERE AND BLOW
THEIR SOCKS OFF!!!!
Cass: Why do we need to blow off their socks? Why not their
hats? Or even better-
Mitsue stuffs a sock in Cassandra's mouth.
Anon: Rightie-o then. Onward, All you twinkle-toes kitties out
there!
Brilliant, lilting notes fill the stage as a curtain slowly goes
up. The orchestra strikes up the intro music. A shadowy
figure flits merrily onto the stage, dim light catching on the
sequins and diamonds on her dancing dress. A spotlight
opens on the figure to reveal Maria. She does a sashe tour
jete and lands in the middle of the stage. She starts doing
fouttes.
Anon: (counting Maria's fouttes) 26, 27, 28...
Misto: I bet she can't beat my record of 36 spins.
Anon: (still counting) 33, 34, 35, 36, 37...
Everyone, except for Maria, stops what they're doing to
watch Maria.
Anon: 47, 48, 49...
Misto: (whimpers)
Maria stops at 54. Everyone applauds wildly as she exits
with a grande jete. Mac pops out on the other side, clothed
in his Prince costume. He goes out further and starts doing
very impressive jetes and all sorts of turns.
Misto: (whimpers some more)
Mac exits the stage after making Misto jealous.
Mac: Mikhail Baryshnikov, eat your heart out.
The stage lights begin to dim. After a few minutes, four cats
get back onstage. They place themselves in position. A
spotlight focuses downstage right on a cardboard door with
a chair in front of it. Maria is sitting in it while Misto is
sitting beside her with his head on her knee. Both are sound
asleep. Heavy 'awwwwwwww' factor here.
Everyone backstage: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww...
Maria: Get. On. With. It.
The rest of the stage lights up. Behind the door and the
'invisible wall' is a ballroom. Inside are Gus Jr. and
Jellylorum, tidying up the presents and putting more
ornaments on our felt-being-hung-up-by-ropes-and-covered-
with-ornaments-and-Christmas-lights-tree. Saati comes out
from backstage and slides into a corner downstage left. As
the appropriate music is playing, Saati starts narrating.
Saati: It was Christmas Eve at the Catbaum house.
Tumblebrutus: Then what day was it with the rest of the world?
Saati: Mr. and Mrs. Catbaum were in the ballroom, setting up
for their Christmas party that was to take place tonight.
Pouncival: Party? WOO-HOOOOOO!!!!!! (starts throwing
confetti)
Anon: (thwaps him) That's in the ballet, dimwad.
Saati: They had told their kittens Claria and MistoFritz to wait
outside the room until all was ready. And so Claria and
MistoFritz waited by the door. After awhile, they waited so
long, that they fell asleep.
Maria suddenly wakes up
Saati: After a while, Claria awoke and decided to wake up
MistoFritz, too. They had a minor scrabble over who would get
to look through the keyhole.
Maria and Misto are having a major cat fight, and the
others have come out onstage and are cheering them on.
Anon: ARUGH! Get back to your places, dimwits, you're
ruining my- er... (glances at Mitsue who is glaring at her)
OUR ballet. MOVE IT!
Cats scatter and Mitsue smiles sweetly at Anon
Mitsue: Arigato, onee-chan. (skips off to create havoc)
Anon: Oi...
Saati: Mr. And Mrs. Catbaum heard the racket and soon came
out.
Gus and Jelly scurry out to discover Maria and Misto, who
look like they had been playing with the electric system and
competing in the Demolition Derby at the same time.
Jelly: (looks at both of them) MistoFritz, have you been
electrocuting your sister?
Misto: No way, mom! Honest to goodness! (crosses his paws
behind his back)
Maria sees this and 'accidentally on purpose' trips Misto.
Saati: Just as their parents were about to scold them, the first of
the guests arrived.
A small bunch of cats walk in. Gus and Jelly walk over to
meet them. Maria and Misto sigh in relief.
Maria and Misto: Saved by the guests.
As everybody goes into the ballroom, Anon takes the door
and chair offstage.
Saati: As Mr. And Mrs. Catbaum chatted with their guests, the
kittens played quietly in the background.
The kittens are having a major-all-out water gun war. A big
spray of water hits Saati in the back. He screeches like a
banshee, jumps a mile high, and attaches himself to the
curtain.
Etcetera: Wow, I've never seen someone jump that high before.
Anon: Well, he better get down or else!
Saati looks down to see the sisters with their frying pans
glinting in the shadows of backstage.
Saati: (dryly) Wow... what an incentive to come down...
Anon: (pulls out a megaphone) We have you surrounded.
Come down with your hands- err, paws- up.
Saati: But then I'll fall, baka!
Anon: Don't call me baka, you CAT!!
Saati: If there's one thing I object to being called to, it's 'you
cat'!
Mitsue: We need to do something... (drinks 2 liters of Dr.
Pepper, bounces up to where Saati is located on the curtain,
grabs him and makes him slide down the curtain, leaving
lovely, long scratch marks.)
Anon: My beautiful curtain... (starts mourning the shredding
of the curtain)
Mitsue: What do you mean, 'my beautiful curtain'?
Anon: Did I say MY beautiful curtain? I meant OUR beautiful
curtain.
Mitsue: (mumbles as she and Anon walk backstage) Sure ya
did.
Saati: Okay, back to the ballet. Mr. And Mrs. Catbaum
gathered the kittens to perform the London Bridge dance.
Gus Jr. and Jelly lead the kittens into the dance. The kittens
are also chanting something to the tune of 'London Bridge'.
Kittens: The parody is falling down;
Falling down; falling down;
The parody is falling down
On our crazed authors!
Anon: (mutters to Mitsue) We really should deny them their
break at intermission.
Mitsue: (whispers back) You're right, and after the play is over,
they'll be so exhausted that we can keep them here to recover
for the next parody and we won't have to go out and catch them.
Anon: Hmm, let's think it over. It's a mucho good idea.
Mitsue: Hai.
Coricopat, the appointed stage manager, walks by and
hears everything. He is shocked and appalled.
Cori: What?! No intermission break! How could they do this?
NO FAIR!
Mitsue: Aw, quit yer cryin'. If you're nice, we might be generous.
Cats: You better be good;
You better be nice...
Mitsue: HeyheyheyheyheyHEY!!!
Saati figures out that the longer they put off the ballet, the
longer it'll be before they're free.
Saati: When the kittens finished their dance they started hovering
excitedly around the presents, anxious to open them.
All the kittens bunch around the tree.
Etcetera: Tumblebrutus, get off my paw!
Pouncival: Ow! Exo, you just scratched me!
Maria: MistoFritz, was that you that just kicked me?
Misto: No, I'm too busy being pummeled by Jemima over here!
The kittens' tiny fight escalates into a battle to the severe
injuries, since the authors won't let them do battles to the
death. The adults interfere to drag the kittens apart.
Anon: Um, Coricopat, send in the grandparents.
Old Deuteronomy and Grizabella walk in very hoity-toity.
All the kittens and adults come over to greet them.
Saati: It was then that the grandparents arrived. Everyone
excitedly gathered around them, the kittens most excited
because the arrival of the grandparents meant that they could
open their presents (in a lower voice) that had already been
torn open during their 'fight'.
The kittens charge toward the wreckage of the presents and
pull out their toys; dolls for the queens and trumpets for the
toms. The orchestra starts up again.
Saati: The kittens danced around the room with their new toys.
The young toms pranced around the rooms tooting on their
trumpets while the young queens waltzed with their dolls.
Said kittens continue dancing. A cloaked cat appears in the
ballroom. All the children stop and back up as the music
grows mysterious.
Saati: Suddenly, a cat popped inside the ballroom. His face was
cleverly disguised by his cloak. Claria dared to venture closer.
Maria tries to tiptoe quietly, but her toeshoes make that
quite impossible.
Saati: The stranger took off his cloak to reveal Maria's
godfather Herr Skimblemeyer.
Maria: Big deal. I already have six godfathers. Let's see,
Godfather Pizza, Godfather Cannoli, Godfather Lasagna,
Godfather Ravioli...
Pounce: Hmmm. They sound tasty.
Maria glares at him. A loud ring is heard offstage. Mitsue
comes out holding a phone.
Mitsue: Hey Maria, your Godfather C. Linguini or something is
on the phone. Wants to talk to you. And since you're busy
talking 'bout your relatives instead of doing the ballet-
Maria: SAATI, HIT IT!!!!
Mitsue smirks before going offstage. However, she drops
the phone and a sudden blast of Italian is heard from it. The
music cheers up a bit as Maria rushes toward Skimble.
Saati: Anyway, seeing how Claria was his favorite godchild, he
picked her up and started to twirl her around (looks at Skimble
trying desperately to keep his balance) or not.
Skimble keeps tiptoeing closer to the orchestra pit, until he
and Maria fall off the edge.
Skimble: Walla-walla-woo!
Maria: (yells at Skimble in Italian)
All that is heard when they disappear into the pit is a
trumpet hitting the wrong notes, the cymbals clashing
together, an 'AAAH' from Skimble and more Italian from
Maria.
Anon and Mitsue: Oi...
Maria climbs out of the orchestra pit, skirts slightly ripped.
Maria: (muttering fiercely in Italian)
Skimble follows her out, looking dazed.
Saati: (grins gleefully, then continues) Godfather Herr
Skimblemeyer then introduced Claria to his nephew Macthaniel.
Skimble gestures toward the wings as if ushering a person
in. Nothing happens.
Saati: I SAID, Herr Skimblemeyer introduces Claria to his
nephew, MACTHANIEL.
Macavity: (from offstage) I absolutely REFUSE to come out.
We hear Mitsue and Anon from backstage.
Mitsue: MACCA, GET OUT THERE.
Macca: NO WAY. I look like a DORK!
Misto: (whispers to Jemima) Now this I HAVE to see...
Anon: (coaxingly) Come on, Macca-neko-chan, you look so
kawaii. Go out and be the gentleman we know you can be.
(gently pulls him out onto stage)
0100,0100,0100Macca is dressed in the knickers, shirt, and coat normal to
the period, only they look really ridiculous on the Napoleon
of Crime. His hair is done back in a ponytail with a bow
(sorta like the Beast in Disney's Beauty and the Beast)
All Cats: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Anon: (smiles sweetly and exits quickly, leaving Macca on
the stage)
Macca: I'm gonna KILL YOU, ANON.
Mitsue: You may wound my sister later. But for now, GET ON
WITH IT.
Maria, during this entire exchange, has been occupied with
trying to fix her slightly ripped skirts. She is completely
oblivious to the fact that Macca is on stage.
Macca: (gets into character, and walks up to the oblivious
Maria) Buon Giorno, Principessa.
Saati: Macthaniel bent to kiss her paw. But before he had the
opportunity, Claria noticed and ran for the shelter of her
mother's skirts.
Maria: (leaps up wildly, screeching) AHH! MACAVITY!
Maria runs away screaming, claws out, ruining the perfect
stage floor in the process. Before she reaches Jelly's skirts,
she lets her claws slide her that way and deeply gouge the
floor. She bends down and grabs Jelly's skirts, leaving
scratch marks in that too. She hides herself behind them and
starts shivering and muttering in Italian.
Misto: (to Maria) Not bad.
Maria: (surveys all her damage) Thanks... I think.
The auditorium door opens, and light rushes in to frame an imposing figure at the door.
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