Jinx - Alternate Lives part 3

ALTERNATE LIVES

Part Nine

I watched her leave. What else could I do? I knew what rage claimed her - recognized it when I saw it plainly in her eyes and in her face - and I knew she wouldn't listen to anything I had to say.

Sighing I reclaimed the map and studied it, planning for the next night. I had discussed the plan with Nightwing right before Helena returned. He would prefer to leave her out of it and maybe I should, but we needed her. I just had to trust that the good in her was enough to keep her from committing a crime and turning to the wrong side of the law.

I suppressed the thoughts of Helena, focusing on the map. I had managed to find Patchy's headquarter by painstakingly tailing Boyd's previous right hand: an ugly, short guy called Reeves - also known as Shadow. Patchy had placed Shadow with Boyd to keep an eye on him. Boyd never suspected anything. It was Boyd - not Patchy - who had tried to make contact with Helena, but it had been following Patchy's suggestion, as put to Boyd by Reeves. Boyd had imagined himself New Gotham's super-villain, without realizing his every step had been directed by Patchy - even the abduction of me. Although I imagined even Patchy had hoped to see Boyd beat me to death. He - at least - had a valid reason to want me dead. I didn't think it had been his intention to let me go.

I sighed, leaning back in the chair and stared blindly ahead of me. Life - what it does to us... I thought and wondered if my actions seven years ago would have made any difference to what had taken place these last months. I knew it was no use speculating in what could have happened, but sometimes I wondered what my life would have been like if that bullet that was meant for me actually had hit me. Would I have died - or would I have survived? And if I survived - would it have changed me? What kind of person would I have become? What life would I be living?

Helena, I thought, closing my eyes. I quietly wondered what would have happened with Helena if her mother had died at Clayface's hands that time.

"Stop it", I told my self, annoyed. Focus. Still, Helena's eyes came before me. Her smile and the way she moved... For some reason I still compared her with Wade. I frowned. My relationship with Wade had been lacking since Helena came into my life. The quality time I used to spend with Wade I was spending with Helena instead and I found her company more... appealing. There was something about her that made my heart race and made me feel more alive than I had in such a long time. She reminded me about...

I cut the thought and leaned forward to study the map. Dinah was essential to our plan. She would carry the largest burden in this and I wasn't happy about it, but her abilities were crucial to the scheme. I knew from the report of the missing parts at Cobra Enterprise there was only those sixteen robots. Patchy could have gotten spare-parts from other places, but I doubted it. Sixteen robots, Shadow, a handful other meta-humans and ten or twenty other thugs - those were our odds. As he worked in the shadows Patchy hadn't really formed a large communion of criminals. The organized crime-syndicate had in reality belonged to Boyd and as Boyd was dead the criminals were busy with internal struggles to find a competent leader. Patchy wouldn't step up - he was too insanely set on getting his revenge. That was our advantage. The past two weeks he had done a couple of mistakes that led me to believe he was growing impatient and that was the sign I had been waiting for. I had suspected where his headquarter was based for several months, but I hadn't been sure he was the one I was looking for. I hadn't been sure he was the one killing Helena's mother - or that he was the one I had been waiting for the past seven years. One mistake and I would have blown it - so I had to wait. I had to be absolutely certain - and then strike, with full force.

Part Ten

Barbara's plan worked perfectly.

Batgirl had given the police information about a crime-syndicate having their headquarter in an empty building at Gotham's harbor, close to the swamps. The police arrived in boats along the river and in jeeps from the uneven and overgrown roads leading to the place. I had expected a long, low warehouse, but the building was almost four stories high - made of steel and concrete, looking quite rough and abandoned. The area was well hidden behind thickets and trees, but the police had it surrounded before anyone managed to escape and flashed their lights at the building. Broken windows gaped like toothless mouths at them.

This was Patchy's headquarter, according to Barbara. I hadn't asked her how she knew - she had her ways and the only thing that mattered to me was that I would be present when Patchy went down. I wanted my hands around his neck, strangling him slowly.

"Do you see him?" I asked Dinah over the intercom. Barbara had given me my own set of communications - earrings and a black necklace.

�Not yet", the girl answered and I looked impatiently around the dark, secluded area where we were waiting.

The night before, when Barbara had told me about Patchy, I left and went to my own apartment. I had renovated it; painted the walls, laid new floor. It looked like a new, fresh place, and the few times when I was there I really enjoyed it, but that night I was caught in the mad pain of a year ago - seeing my mother killed. I spend the rest of the night cursing Barbara and when I fell asleep I slept fitfully, dreaming about murders.

In midday I returned to the Clocktower, where the three of them were gathered - even though it was a weekday. Barbara seemed to be waiting for me, but she didn't say anything about our last conversation. It had turned out her plans were to be executed that same day already.

Nightwing and I hid in the shadows close to the building, expecting a fight as soon as the police flashed their lights, but at first nothing happened. Dinah was placed on the other side of the building, together with Batgirl.

Then - just like that day at Arkam more than two weeks ago - all hell broke lose.

The killer-robots had been our greatest threat, but Dinah and Batgirl was on to them. I noticed Dinah lifting two of them straight in the air and throw them in the river. Another two followed suit, before she directed her mental energy at lifting them and throwing them at each other. The impact caused explosions that made the ground tremble and the building to shake. Oracle had also constructed some kind of gadgets that when stuck to the robots they would neutralize their electronic systems and discharge their batteries, which would cause power failure in their neural circuits. Or - as Barbara put it when I asked what her techno-babble meant: "Your killer-robots will cease to function."

Afterwards I couldn't remember even one of the robots having a chance to fire their lasers.

While Dinah and Batgirl kept busy with the robots Nightwing and I engaged in fights with the law-breakers. They were surprisingly few, but Barbara had almost insured us they would be. She had devised some more powerful gadgets that would work with the different kind of meta-humans we might run into: some kind of light-ray to be used at Shadow, a greenish powder to use at the water-guy and so on. For the ordinary men she asked us to use a small baton, no larger than the palm of a man's hand.

"It will sedate them", she had explained while still at the Clocktower, showing us the electrical impulse used to somehow effect the brain and put the victim to sleep. "It will save time and effort. It might work at meta-humans as well", she added. "But probably not with someone turning into something other than flesh."

When the robots and the thugs were put out Nightwing and I entered the building to look for Patchy, while the police cleaned up on the outside. Some of them followed us in, unaware we were even there. Dinah stood guard on the outside, keeping an eye and all her senses on the surroundings. I didn't know where Batgirl was.

Suddenly the police radio buzzed and the police pulled back. "Cleared", the inspector in charge said and waved towards his men. I doubted his words as neither of them had even caught a glimpse of Nightwing or me.

"There's someone here!" a policeman suddenly yelled from the outside and the group moved away.

"Dinah!" I hissed in the darkness.

�It's not him..." I heard Dinah's voice in my ear. "I noticed something on the roof."

Nightwing and I hurried through the dark, damp building. If this was a headquarter it must have some secret chambers somewhere. All I could see was rotten wood and decaying concrete.

"Listen." Nightwing stopped me and we listened together in the dark, three floors above ground.

"Someone's in a fight..." I said and felt a cold hand squeeze my heart.

"Barbara..." Nightwing whispered, with all the pain of someone who knows what it's like to love and lose it all.

"Damn her!" I swore and sprinted ahead of him. If she fought my fight I'd... I'd fucking kill her!

"Huntress!" Nightwing called after me, hurrying behind me.

"She has no right!" I yelled at him. "She has no right to take this from me!"

I reached the roof and found the two of them locked in combat. She seemed to have the advantage, leaning above a slight, young man with long, blond hair. He seemed even younger than me, I had time to notice with a start before I hurled myself towards them.

"Huntress - no!" Nightwing called behind me and too late I realized what I had done. It was dark, but the lights from the police's spotlights still shone around the building, casting a ghostlike fog around the rooftop. The young man - I presumed it was Patchy - laughed and straightened his back as I rushed forward.

"Kit-cat to the rescue!" he said with this inanely, cackling laughter that I recognized from the shadows the night my mother died, and grabbed Batgirl at the collar. With a thin smile he lifted her straight in the air. He was absorbing my powers - my pure presence gave him the strength to do what he did. "Bye, bye - batie. Fly high, fly low..." He grinned and threw Barbara over the edge.

"No!" I screamed and stopped, but I was as surprised as Patchy as Batgirl used one of her gadgets to prevent the fall - a long wire with a hook kept her to the wall. Patchy tilted his head to one side and looked down at her with shining eyes.

"Eye for an eye for an eye", he said and stepped forward.

"You bastard!" I screamed and threw myself at him.

"Huntress!" Nightwing yelled and hurled himself at me, but he was too late. I collided with Patchy and we fell to the floor. As he had my powers we came to our feet at the same time, crouching low to regard each other with changed eyes. It felt strange seeing my own cat-eyes staring back at me. He smiled.

"Kit-cat... Poor, poor kit-cat... Lost without big mama-cat."

"Murderer", I hissed, again hurling myself at him. He didn't dodge my blow, but met me and the collision made us roll around on the damp concrete. We separated and exchanged blows. Even after a few minutes fight with him I realized I wouldn't be able to defeat him like this - he was too strong. He fed on my power.

Dinah, I thought, suddenly afraid, but then I realized Dinah wouldn't come near Patchy. Barbara would have warned her about that. So - why did she not remind me about his powers? Did she think I would remember and take responsibility? Or did she realize I wouldn't listen to her?

"Huntress!" Batgirl called, hurling something towards me. "Use this."

I caught the black cloth she threw me and unwrapped it. It contained one of her batons. I quickly glanced at her and she nodded. At the same time Patchy pulled a gun at me.

"No cheating, kitty-kitty cat... Give me, give me..." He held the gun pointed at me, but reached slightly forward to get the mini-baton.

"You killed my mother", I said heatedly. He grinned insanely at me.

"I did. Killed her, killed her, killed... Bang! Dead..." He shook his gun. "This gun... saved as memory. This gun... killed my mother."

I didn't fucking care about his mother. With one blow I hit him in the face when he averted his eyes from me for a second, looking at something by my side. I grabbed the gun and pointed it to his head, cocking it as I dropped the baton to the floor behind me. "You are dead!" I snarled. I was just about to press the trigger when Batgirl stepped up at my side. She didn't touch me, but her voice was too sharp and authoritative to be ignored.

"Hold, Huntress!"

"I'm going to kill him, Batgirl", I hissed. "You can't stop me."

"I will try. Will you fight me over this?"

"You will lose", I said angrily, never taking my eyes off Patchy, who looked at us with crazed amusement and shiny cat-eyes.

"Maybe", she said calmly. "Maybe not, but that's not the point." "Fuck! Do you think he deserves to live?"

"That's not the point either", she said with a gentleness I couldn't grasp in that moment. "The point is what it makes you, killing him. We don't kill, Huntress. No matter what."

"You mean - you don't kill?" I snarled. "You... goody-goody. You don't fucking know what it's like! You can never understand!"

I pulled Patchy closer to me, looking him in the eye and pressing the steel of the gun hard into his skin. He smiled and his eyes shone. I hated him. I wanted to see fear, but there was nothing there - only a dark void.

"Huntress...!"

"Shut up!" I yelled at her. "Shut the fuck up!"

"You can hate me if you want, but I'm not going to let you do this. This isn't you..."

"You don't know me. You don't know who I am."

"Yes", she said softly and I closed my eyes. "I do know."

"Kit-cat, Kit-cat, kitty-kitty cat..." Patchy sang and rolled his eyes. "Mummy dead and gone..."

"Fuck!" I mumbled, wanting to press the trigger. I opened my eyes.

"You are fun and gentle", Batgirl said, never taking her eyes off me. "You love cherries and chocolate ice-cream... and strawberries with melted fudge, for some reason... Your morning temper is awful, but you look adorable in your Snoopy pajama..."

Fuck her! I thought. "Shut up", I mumbled.

"Let him go, Huntress. There's no need to kill him..."

"No need? No fucking need!" I screamed. "He fucking killed my mother! You don't know", I said, looking at her. "You don't know what it's like."

"Don't know", Patchy chuckled. He could have made a break for it, but he probably knew I would have shot him then. My hold on him was too tight for him to escape. "Barbara Gordon doesn't know... Good girl, always good girl." He grinned at her and I noticed a strange, compassionate look in Batgirl's eyes as she met his gaze. Somehow it didn't surprise me he knew who she was. "Aren't you, Barbara Gordon?" he said and tilted his head to one side. "The good one? As Patchy was?"

"Yes", she said softly. "Batgirl's the bad one."

I didn't get that, but Patchy nodded as if it made sense.

"Couldn't kill Barbara Gordon", he said. "Couldn't shoot her."

Batgirl stood unmoving for awhile, before she nodded. "Thank you, Patchy", she said quietly, so quietly he wouldn't have heard her if it hadn't been for my powers. Then she looked at me. "Let him go - or fight me for his life."

I sneered and pushed Patchy aside. Nightwing was instantly at his side and pressed Barbara's baton in his flesh. I had been so preoccupied with Patchy and Batgirl I hadn't even noticed Nightwing approaching or him grabbing the baton from the floor. I expected Patchy to fall unconscious to the ground, but he only gasped for air and crumbled his face together. When he looked around again his eyes were normal and I noticed they were mismatched: one blue and one brown.

"Lost it", he said with a sigh. "Lost it all..." He held out his hands and spread his fingers, watching them as if he could see sand or water sift through them. Nightwing held him by the collar.

"Are you alright?" he asked Batgirl and she nodded, looking at me.

"I would have won", I snarled, still with the gun in my hand.

She nodded. "Maybe", she said and opened her hand. She held a mini-baton hidden there. She threw it at the floor before my feet. "Maybe not." Then she walked away.

I looked at the baton, not sure what kind of damage it would have caused me, but probably enough to make me lose the fight. Damn her, I thought as I realized she had foreseen even this event. "I will never forgive you for this", I called after her, distracted for a moment.

"You fool!" Nightwing hissed at me. "You have no idea what..."

We should have been more careful, both of us. We were lucky that his intentions weren't to hurt anyone otherwise neither of us would have forgiven ourselves.

Patchy twisted loose from Nightwing's grasp and reached for the gun in my hand. He pulled it from me before I had time to react and put it in his mouth. His eyes went to the sky above us as he pulled the trigger.

"Shit!" I heard Nightwing mumble as Patchy's body went down. I only stared at the younger man on the floor and felt nothing as I watched his brain spill out in front of my feet.

By my side Nightwing looked down at the dead body. "Poetic justice", he said. "Almost", he added softly.

"What do you mean?" I asked with a frown, watching the blood coloring the concrete. I thought I should be happy, seeing the man who killed my mother dead, but I only felt as hollow as before. I hadn't killed him. I thought that was the difference. How could I forgive Barbara for taking that moment from me?

Nightwing glanced at me. "You don't know who he is - do you?"

"He is the man who killed my mother", I said and was scared of my own voice. He probably killed her with that same gun. Poetic justice, indeed. It stilled my hatred somewhat. Nightwing only looked at me and then glanced at something behind my back. I turned around, seeing Batgirl and Dinah together. Batgirl shook her head and left the rooftop as Dinah made her way towards us.

"Is he...?" she asked when she halted by my side.

"Yes", Nightwing said softly and put an arm around her shoulders.

"Did you...?" she asked, glancing at me. I shook my head.

"No." My voice was like ice.

Dinah glanced around, at the empty stairs. "She's not well, Dick", she said quietly, painfully.

"I know", he said. "Come - we must leave before the police turns up." He bent and collected the mini-batons from the floor.

"Who is he?" I asked, looking at Nightwing and demanding an answer. He straightened and met my eyes.

"He's the Joker's son", he said, holding my gaze. I wondered about the sudden pain in his eyes and why he seemed to want to cry at any moment, but my heart was cold.

"Fine - then he got what he deserved", I said and moved away from them. I looked around at them over my shoulder. "I won't see you again", I said. "I won't forgive her for robbing me of my highest wish..."

"She knows what you're going through", Dinah said. "Please, Huntress... Don't leave us. We need you."

I shook my head. "How could she possibly understand? To her this is all a fucking game - sport. Or she want's to be the big heroine for everyone - doing what's right, fight the good fight... Whatever hell that is. But for me - it's about my mother's life. She can't know. She can't understand."

Dinah looked at me with large, pale eyes in the dark, but she didn't say anything. I heard people moving in the stairs, getting closer to the rooftops.

"She killed his mother, Huntress", Nightwing said, looking me straight in the eyes. "She was the one killing his mother."

"It happened seven years ago", Dick explained as he poured himself a cup of tea back at the Clocktower. Dinah had gone to bed and Alfred had excused himself. His only reaction when hearing about Patchy was to say: "Oh, dear. Oh, dear", but the anxious look in this usually pragmatic old man's eyes worried me more than I wanted to admit.

We had managed to avoid the police and made it safely back to the Clocktower, but Batgirl had turned off her intercom and blocked the signal. We didn't know where she was and we couldn't track her. I still wasn't sure I wanted to forgive her for preventing me from killing Patchy, but I had decided I wanted to hear the story behind their obviously shared past. That was the only reason I had returned to the Clocktower that night.

"When your father captured the Joker and put him behind bars the Joker still had his connections on the outside. While waiting for the trial the Joker decided to take his revenge on Batman. He arranged for two murders to take place on the people Bruce Wayne and Batman cared most about..."

"My mother", I said instantly. Dick nodded, leaning back on the kitchen-counter with his cup in hand.

"Batgirl was tracking Clayface for another crime when she was lucky enough to catch him attacking your mother, saving her life. So Clayface was put behind bars and one of the attempted murders was thwarted."

"And the other? Who was it?" I asked, even though I should have known. Dick drank in silence and I waited impatiently.

"Barbara", he said.

"Of course", I breathed. "What happened?"

"Well... Barbara was engaged at the time, to be married."

"She was?" I blinked. Why didn't I know that?

"Yes. His name was Mike Drake - Donald Drake's younger brother."

"Chief of Police-Donald Drake?"

"The one and the same. His brother was a genius in the Court House - one of the youngest, most brilliant minds in criminal law... He knew about Barbara being Batgirl and supported her in every way. They worked brilliantly together. She loved him like..." Dick shrugged. "He was the love of her life. Sometimes I think that's why she's settling with Wade - she's known true love and knows she won't ever get the same again."

I swallowed, sensing a tragedy coming up. "What... What happened?" I whispered. God - I'm such an idiot!

"The Joker sent a special messenger to Barbara's flat. Somehow he'd found out about her being Batgirl." "A special messenger?"

"Yes. Since he couldn't execute the deed himself he send the one he trusted the most - his consort."

"Consort?"

"Female partner. Some say they were married, but I don't know... I guess it doesn't matter. She called herself Harley Quinn. She simply knocked on the door to Barbara's place and shot the one opening the door. It happened to be Mike."

"God", I whispered.

"Well, I doubt God had anything to do with it. It saved Barbara's life, though. She reacted instantly and was caught up in a fight with Harley Quinn."

"She shot her by accident", I said, not able to think anything else of the Barbara I knew.

"That's what the Court said. She didn't even have to testify herself. They freed her of all charges, claiming she acted in self-defense and that the shot killing the assassin was 'unfortunate'." He made a face and finished his coffee. "It was all over the newspapers at the time", he added.

"I was in Europe", I said. "I didn't know. I've never known."

"I know", Dick said. "Mike didn't die immediately. He laid in a coma for six months and then... there were some complications." He grimaced. "They always say that, don't they, when they don't know what actually happens. They had some hope he would survive. He would be a... incapable of using his legs, but he would at least live."

"And he didn't", I said. "Fuck - she must have been devastated."

"She didn't cry after his death. She didn't cry at all during his time at the hospital. She sat by him in the days and went chasing bad guys as Batgirl at night, but we never saw her cry. Your father tried talking to her, but she closed herself completely."

I closed my eyes, remembering what she had said to me that night. "I know what that's like. But you must cry - otherwise you'll die a little more each day."

Dick placed his cup on the table and I opened my eyes. He had a strange look on his face.

"The thing is - we all thought it had been an accident." He raised his eyes and met mine.

"What?" I said with dry mouth.

"The shot killing Harley Quinn. The gun later disappeared from the police station. Guess we know where that ended up."

"What?" I said again. "What do you mean? What about the shot?"

He averted his eyes and stared ahead, lost in memories. "She killed her in cold blood, Huntress. She told us later..." His voice was strange.

"No." I shook my head in disbelief, in denial. "No, she couldn't."

He looked at me and smiled wryly - it was a hollow smile, void of everything but pain. "Two days after Mike's funeral she told us she had the upper hand on Harley Quinn in that fight. Harley Quinn was beaten and pleaded for her life, but Barbara took one look at Mike, thinking he was dead... and shot the woman in pure anger."

Dick turned away from me and I didn't know what to say. This shook my whole world, everything I believed in.

"No - I won't believe it."

"Neither did I", Dick said, leaning on the railing and looking out above the dark space below us. Delphi was dark and quiet and I realized with a tremble that I missed the woman usually sitting there. "I made excuses for her - told her she was wrong and she shouldn't blame herself... I refused to believe it, but your father knew. I think he suspected it all the time... You see, the Joker had planned to drive your father mad with grief and guilt, but it turned out differently."

"He was the one that lost his mind." My voice was barely a whisper.

"Yeah, well... I thought we would lose Barbara too, but somehow she pulled herself together. I think Black Canary had something to do with it, trusting her enough to leave her daughter's life in her hands. Once she begun crying I knew she would be fine..." Dick turned around and looked at me. "Bruce blamed himself for Barbara's loss. She never told him about the failed assassination on your mother. I think he would have left town at that time if she had. She didn't tell me either, until your mother died and she revealed you existed."

I shook my head, again speechless.

"Dinah came to live with her and she was forced to focus on someone else's need. It changed her, you see. Killing. She used to be carefree and kind of... arrogant, I guess. After losing Mike and after her own... choice to kill, she became something else. She was more driven, but also more considerate towards others. I kind of lost touch with whom she was at that time, mostly due to my inability to admit she had killed in cold blood, but we worked through it."

"You are good friends", I said, mostly because I felt the need to say something. I noticed the slightly guilty look in his eyes when he looked away. "What?"

"I failed her", he said with a sigh. "I failed her all those years ago when I couldn't handle the truth about what she had done and I failed her again last year." He rubbed his temples. "When your mother died and Bruce left... I lost it. I feared we wouldn't manage without him so I... bolted."

"You did what? You left her?" I didn't know why the thought of him abandoning her made me so mad, but I rose, with changed eyes. "How long were you gone?"

"I returned recently - only two months ago. When your father left and then I... the whole responsibility of defending Gotham fell on her. I..."

"And you call me a fool", I spat. At least he had the decency to be ashamed, I realized and felt the heat burning my cheeks. Again my last words to her had been not very friendly and now she would be out there someplace in the dark, on her own. Fuck.

"I know", he said, catching my eyes. "But the point is - she knows what it's like killing someone in cold blood and to be forced to live with that. Even though she knew you would hate her - maybe for the rest of your life - she didn't want you to live with the knowledge of what you had done."

"I know", I whispered and felt my eyes changing back to normal. It's not fair, I concluded. Life isn't fair. I knew what Barbara Gordon would say: So what? Life's not fair - get on with it. Then she would laugh and wink at me the way Batgirl always did. "Where can we find her? Do you know?"

He hesitated and when he shook his head I knew he lied. He wasn't as good at keeping secrets as Barbara. "She will take a few days off on her own. That's what she did when Mike died. She'll be back when she's ready."

Something in his face told me he wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know even if I tried to pursue him, so I gave it up.

I realized that thinking about the way Barbara must feel had effectively put me out of my own brooding mood and self-pity. Damn her, I thought affectionately. She can't even let me sulk in peace.

I noticed Dick looking at me as if he was waiting for something and I sighed. "I'm not going anywhere", I said and he smiled.

"Good - then I'll see you at breakfast."

I didn't see Barbara in three days and they seemed to be the longest days of my life. She was all I could think about - when I woke up, when I went to sleep, when I fought, when I ate. I was captivated by the memory of her face - her mouth, her lips, her eyes, the way she tilted her head to one side. Already the first day I realized it wasn't the reason to why she was gone that affected me, but the plain fact that she was gone - period. I missed her presence; her laughter, her teasing ways and her calm and it irked me that I had no one to talk to about this obsession. Dinah was in school and Dick was busy working.

Clayface was apparently still missing. The water-guy had been caught again at Patchy's headquarter, but Clayface had been the one escaping that night - the one the cops had been busy chasing outside the building as we were engaged with Patchy on the rooftop. The police had found a whole arena below the ground beneath the rugged building, filled with various technologies I didn't know the first thing about. Hearing about it I knew Oracle would be excited at the prospect of examining Patchy's treasures and the thought thrilled me until I remembered she was gone.

The second day I was struck by the thought that I might know a place she would visit, so I went to Gotham's burial ground. I took the time to visit my mother's grave as I was there, talking softly to her about my life the past year. It was the first time I came there since her funeral and I felt slightly guilty about that fact. Barbara didn't turn up that day, but somehow I knew she would come - sooner or later - and all I needed was to have some patience. The next day I went back and stayed until twilight and then, suddenly, she was there.

Part Eleven

Two days after the mock trial acquitting me of murder seven years ago I was visited by a scrawny boy the age of maybe fourteen or fifteen; it was hard to tell - his appearance made him look younger than he probably was. He was blond, with one eye the color of burnt grass in summer and the other blue as the sky.

"I only wanted to see what you looked like in real life", he said with harsh, even voice as his eyes were cold and filled with hatred. "You killed my mother. Don't think I ever will forget. I will get you one day. Just you wait and see. One day you will regret killing her."

"I will wait for you", I told him, as I understood far too well what he was going through. "But before anything, visit Gotham's hospital and take a look at Mike Drake, will you." I was young and angry myself at that time. "Your parents were murderers, boy. It's time you face the truth and grow up."

I was too cold that year - too heartless. I couldn't care less about that boy's pain. It wasn't until Mike finally died and I watched him be put in the ground I could let it go - finally coming to terms with what I had done and how wrong it had been. The guilt almost suffocated me then. To live with the knowledge that I was a killer, the very thing I fought every night to put behind bars... I would live with the shame until the day I die. To begin with it made me doubt my ability to continue to be Batgirl, but also what right I had to roam the streets like some kind of hero when I was more of a lucky murderer who had gotten away with her killings. I almost quite then, but Bruce told me something I couldn't forget, even years later. "Now you know. You will never forget and unless you succumb to the darkness within you right now, you will never again let that darkness claim you. It's not the differences between the criminals and us that keep us on the right side of the law - it's the knowledge of our similarities and what path the wrong choices would lead us to. Will you let that darkness win?"

Now I knew. I knew the darkness of my own self - and I would make a conscious thought every day for the rest of my life not to let that darkness overcome me a second time.

That boy... I learned his name was Patchy and that he had been waiting in a car down the street a few blocks away for his mother, that night when Mike died; they were apparently on their way to a school-event. What mother brought her son when on a killing-mission? Anyway - he did visit Mike in the hospital. One day I found a paper-made rose in all different colors on Mike's bed with a note. Wait for me - Patchy.

So I waited. I knew he would come. I think it was the knowledge of what his parents had been that pushed him over the edge and made him maybe not as insane as they, but nearly enough. When I fought him on the rooftop, before Helena turned up, he told me his plan was to see all criminals of the whole of Gotham burn. He had a plan, he told me, to exterminate all meta-humans in Gotham and all involved in criminal activity one way or the other. He somehow imagined Gotham's population would celebrate him as hero if he cleaned the city - as he put it. All meta-humans were criminals, according to him. He proved it by becoming one himself. "I will purge myself with the rest of this town", he told me. "When the time is right I will rise as the bird Phoenix from the ashes and be the patron of Gotham."

He wished to redeem himself from the harm his parents had done and by transforming himself back to an ordinary human after being a meta-human would assure his own redemption. He looked upon himself as both a destroyer and a savior.

He was a complex man - stuck between childhood and manhood; not a child, but neither fully grown. He was a genius in his ways, but lost in emotions of revenge and shame - creating a madman bent on destruction. And it was all my fault. I would have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I bent at the grave and touched the inscriptions engraved in the dark, cool stone. Mike Drake. I had loved him so much and seeing him there, bleeding to death on my floor, because of me...

I had shielded my heart since then - wowing someplace within me never to love that way again. I hadn't. Helena had been right about Wade: he was safe to love. I would grieve if I lost him, but not as I had grieved when Mike died.

"It's time to let you go, my love", I mumbled. "My heart must go on."

Helena's face came before my eyes. She would hate me until she died and I would probably never know her as a friend again. That hurt.

"She's a nice person, you know", I told Mike. "You would have liked her."

Helena - hard and tough; she never let anything show of herself that she didn't want others to see. She had been a mystery to me to begin with and as always mysteries intrigued me. I knew there were more layers to her than Dick figured - I had seen it in her eyes sometimes, when she didn't think I was watching. The unguarded look, the softness in her eyes as she watched Dinah sometimes - the vulnerability sometimes showing beneath the rock solid layers she surrounded herself with. I so much wanted to see more of that woman. I had seen her - the one she was beneath the invisible mask of Huntress - and I had missed her the past days. I would miss her for the rest of my life.

"She's a pain", I mumbled, pulling at some weeds at the grave. "But she's nice."

My need for Helena confused me. Sometimes I thought... She could look at me in a certain way sometimes, with an expression reminding me about the way Wade looked at me. Occasionally I thought I felt about her the way I had about Mike when he was alive, but that was absurd. She was a woman. I wouldn't be attracted to a woman. Would I?

The thought made me frown and I rose. When I looked down at the grave I suddenly realized I wasn't alone. I felt someone's presence behind me and it caused a shiver to surge through my body. I steeled myself and breathed deeply, ignoring the way my heart raced and the slight flush of my cheeks: signs that belied my previous thought.

"I know you are there", I said calmly, not turning around.

Part Twelve

I stepped forward amongst the stones. We were alone in the dark. A soft light from a nearby lamppost outside the graveyard left some spare light for us, but my eyes were used to the dark and I could see her without difficulty. I didn't say anything and we stood in silence, watching the grave.

I should have brought something for him, I realized.

"Thank you for coming", she said quietly.

"It was the least I could do", I mumbled. I wasn't any good at such things.

"Helena, I..." She turned to look at me, but I shook my head.

"Don't", I said with difficulty. "We have both been hurt, right. Let's just... move on."

"There's something you need to understand."

"Dick told me everything", I said. "I understand. I shouldn't... I shouldn't have said those things..."

"Not that", she said and embraced herself as she looked at the grave. She held herself tightly. "I have blood on my hands", she said slowly. "I know what... you've been through. What you're going through. If your father had been there to stop me at that time... I would have hated him for a long time, but today... Today I so wish he had."

I swallowed, not knowing what to say. Her pain was visible on her face and I didn't know what to do. She was not a person who easily divulged such things about her self.

"Not only because I must live with the deed on my conscience, but... His deeds as well. Patchy's. All those he killed - I have their blood on my hands."

"You don't know that, Barbara. He grew up with his mother, he might have followed her..."

"He might also have turned away from her. I took that choice away from him. You heard him - he couldn't shoot Barbara Gordon. It was Batgirl he wanted - somewhere he blamed her, not me, for the deed even though I was the one... There was some good in him. I know I'm not responsible for everything he has done, but in part I live with that choice I made every day. I've lived with it for seven years, knowing he would turn up one day seeking revenge. We were lucky. I was lucky - what happened could have been so much worse."

"Barbara..."

She turned to look at me. "Do you understand?" she said with visible agony. "I'm partly responsible for your mother's death."

Her words caught me. I hadn't even considered that. "No", I said, not feeling the immediate pain anymore when hearing about my mother. I shook my head. "I'm not blaming you for that. If you hadn't been there seven years ago my mother would have died then. My mother's death now had nothing to do with you - Patchy only continued on his parent's trail."

She shook her head. "You don't know that."

"I know you didn't put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger", I said firmly, holding her gaze. Something seemed to give way within her and she turned back to the grave.

"Self-blame is the worse blame ever", I heard her mumble. "It's the prize we pay for all of our wrong choices."

I looked at her, thinking of the calm and collected woman I had come to know and wondered how she kept things together. I knew I couldn't have lived with killing someone, knowing their child was seeking revenge on me for the deed. And then I realized that was what being a super-hero was about - you made your choices... And sometimes they were wrong and then you must face the consequences - but you never gave up. You kept fighting - not for yourself, but for the world and the people in it.

And in that moment I knew. I loved her.

I always thought the realization of falling in love with the one person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with would be like - firework; like a triumphant shout from the rooftops or like the canons in a war, but it was neither. It was soft and quiet, as a calm whisper in my soul.

I love her, I thought amazed. I'm in love with her. What an odd world we were living in. What an odd life I was living. How could I love another woman - and one I hardly knew? But I didn't question the thought. It felt genuine - strong. I knew it was. I had loved her since I looked her in the eyes at that fair, when she was speaking about children needing love. I had seen her true face and fallen completely and utterly in love.

"You know what you need?" I said lightly. She suspiciously narrowed her eyes at me. "You need some proper time off. You need to have some fun. No - no objections", I added and raised a hand to forestall any possible protest. "Come on."

"What?" She frowned.

"Just do what I tell you, for once. It won't kill you."

She looked at me and when I winked at her she laughed.

"Alright - alright."

"Where have you been these days", I asked as she followed me out of the cemetery.

"At the manor. Alfred has taken care of me."

Should have known, I thought. I hadn't seen Alfred in three days.

I took her to what used to be my favorite nightclub - Black Rose - not far from the Dark Horse bar.

"I remember this place", she said, stepping in through the doors and looking around in the crowd. "I'm not really dressed for it", she added, looking down at her jeans and plain, black top.

"Never mind", I said and grabbed her hand. "Come on." I pulled her through the crowd towards the dance floor and she followed closely.

She was a fabulous dancer. I remembered the gossip-magazines from when I was in high school, telling about Barbara Gordon's extravagant life and her tours at Gotham's nightclubs.

"Old talents die hard, right?" I told her with a wink as she stood at the bar draining a beer straight on. She put down the glass with a thud and dried her mouth with the back of her hand, laughing.

"Bartender - another one!" she called, banging the glass on the counter.

I watched her drinking and I watched her dancing. She was beautiful and I felt her close to me so many times that night - the softness of her, the firmness of her muscles. My sudden need for her overwhelmed me and I was stunned that the realization about my feelings for her had changed so much within me. My body trembled when she was near and I felt this burning sensation in the pit of my stomach; signs of desire I recognized from previous relationships. The difference was that she was a woman - the first woman I had ever been attracted to - and that I knew this was more than a casual infatuation. My desire ran deeper than ever - it touched the roots of my soul, of my closed self. Without her... Without her I would feel crippled, like half a person.

I watched her flirt with several guys and one woman even tried to kiss her. She only laughed at that and stepped aside, shaking her head. Later I left her to get us some more drinks and when I returned I found her dancing at some tables with a stranger, a man who held his hands on her hips as she moved to the music. I felt a sharp pang of jealousy seeing them together and remained almost frozen at the dance floor. She seemed completely focused in her dance, but as I watched her I noticed how she raised her head as if listening and then, without hesitation or doubt, she turned to look at me in the crowd.

She seemed to have this eerie sense of direction - much like a bat, actually; she always knew where to find me. She stopped dancing and held my eyes in the dark, an unmoving figure in the flashing spotlights, and then she held out her hand. Then man fell back and pulled another woman from the crowd to join him at the tables beside Barbara. I hardly noticed as I put aside the drinks and jumped through the air, spun around and landed in front of her, agile as a cat.

"Show-off", she said smiling and pulled me close to her. I suppressed a gasp as I felt her body pressed against mine. Her scent enveloped me and I lost my orientation, seeing - feeling - only her.

"Dance with me", she mumbled and lifted her arms to my neck. I let my arms encircle her waist and swayed with her to the music, feeling her close to me. I wanted to touch her, to let my hands explore the shape of her body, but I controlled myself. It was difficult, but I didn't want her to turn away from me as she had with that other woman earlier. I knew I probably never would get another opportunity to be this close to her again, so I decided to just enjoy what I could get. She leaned her cheek at my shoulder and I felt her soft hair against my lips, closing my eyes for a brief moment.

Why? I thought sadly. Why must she be a woman? Or I? She will never love me like that...

Then she stirred in my arms and I opened my eyes with an inward sigh. She leaned back only slightly and caught my gaze. She didn't say anything, she only watched me with this odd expression. She stopped dancing and I stopped too, not sure what she wanted, and so we stood unmoving on the table in the crowd of noisy, dancing people - regarding each other. Her eyes held me and I couldn't look away, drowning in them. I remembered the first time I had really looked into those eyes - in a dark alley where a crazy woman in a leather suit had turned up, taunting me. I had seen her eyes in the dark and felt a strange sensation, knowing I had to see that woman again.

Finally, when I thought my chest would burst with the air I held, she moved. She leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. I let out an involuntary gasp and felt a cold and warm thrill surge from the pit of my stomach, first to my chest and then to my cheeks.

"Thank you", she mumbled with her mouth to my cheek. She lingered and I felt her caressing my neck with a tender touch, before she let go and moved away from me. "I think I want to go home now."

I couldn't speak, so I followed her silently through the crowd. It was a few hours before dawn; the Black Rose was one of the few nightclubs that were open until early morning. She took my hand as we walked along the quiet streets and I didn't object. It felt nice - safe.

"My place is nearer", I said. "If you want to stay..."

"That sounds much like an indecent proposal, Huntress mine", she said amused.

"You think far too highly of yourself, my dear", I countered. "Who'd ever heard of a cat dating a bat?"

"Mmm, everything has a first", she said, linking arm with me and leaning her head on my shoulder. "But I'm too tired to do anything but sleep."

I blushed in the dark, glad she wouldn't notice. "It's soon dawn", I said, feeling my heart skip a beat. "All bats return home at dawn."

She smiled sleepily. "I like that..."

"What?"

"Home. It was a long time since I felt at home any place..."

"Me too", I mumbled, wondering at her words.

I took her to my place and she curiously looked around.

"Nice", she said with a satisfied smile, seeing the changes I had done to the place. Not that she had known what it looked like before - thankfully. "Very... you."

She sat down on the bed and pulled off her boots.

"Want anything?" I asked with a gesture to the kitchen.

"No, thank you." She rolled on to the bed and pulled the bedspreads to cover her while she rested her head on one of my pillows. "I want to sleep", she added, drowsily. She made a gesture towards me. "Your bed is large enough. Please, come..."

I didn't know how to refuse, so I moved towards my bed and carefully laid down beside her, facing her. I had two pillows left; I threw one of them on the floor and used the other to rest my head on.

"Tell me about yourself", she mumbled sleepily, with her eyes closed.

"Me? I don't know what to say. I..." I hesitated. "I used to be another woman before..."

"I know", she said quietly. She opened her eyes and searched my face. "I bet you were a real girl", she added amused. "A handful, for sure - but real sweet and innocent. A girlie girl..."

"You should talk", I retorted. "I watched you at the fair - talk about girlie... You couldn't even hit that pyramid."

"Hey! You were spying on my! That's not fair."

"Life's not fair", I said with a nonchalant shrug and she snorted.

"I bet you were Cheerleader and all..."

"Oh, yeah? How so?"

She only watched me and smiled, closing her eyes.

"What? What?" I said, nudging her in the side. She opened one eye and squinted at me.

"You got the looks for it, is all."

She grinned when I blushed.

"See - a girlie", she teased.

"That... wasn't..." I mumbled.

"What? Fair?" She smiled triumphantly and snuggled into my pillow with a yawn. She looked so sweet I didn't have the heart to rise to the bait, realizing she needed her sleep. With closed eyes her breathing soon calmed and became deeper. I watched as she drifted away, wondering what it would be like touching her face. If I would dare. Then she suddenly said: "You think they are right?" and startled me.

"What?"

She opened her eyes and watched me with a searching expression. Her eyes seemed troubled.

"That I play so many roles I don't know who I am anymore?"

I swallowed. "I know you", I said hoarsely. She held my gaze and I could see my own reflection in her clear eyes.

"You do?" she said softly, quietly.

"Remember that day at the fair? When you talked to me at the terrace... That was you, Barbara Gordon. I see you in your eyes no matter which mask you are wearing."

She didn't say anything and I thought that maybe I had crossed some boundaries I wasn't aware of, but then she raised a hand and touched my face. "Thank you", she whispered with moist eyes. "You are a true friend."

Then, just like that, she closed her eyes and finally fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning she was laying on her side watching me.

"Good morning", she said with a still sleepy smile.

"Um, good morning", I said shyly, not used to having someone in my bed when I woke up. Especially not someone I actually wanted in my bed when I woke up.

She smiled and reached over to push some of my dark curls away from my eyes. I closed my eyes with an inward sigh, flinching a little.

"I won't harm you", she said amused and touched my temple.

"Um, I know. Sorry..." I looked at her again, confused. Her eyes were surprisingly somber when I met her gaze.

"Thank you", she said softly.

"For what?" My voice sounded rough in my own ears and I cleared it with an embarrassed blush.

"For making it easier for me letting him go", she said simply and I gasped softly. "I've held on to him for so long, being afraid of... loving. I've been in control for so long, afraid of what I would do if I would lose control and..."

"You wouldn't", I said quickly. "You wouldn't kill again like that. It's not you."

"There's darkness in us all, Helena", she said regretfully and I remembered Nightwing's words that other night.

"Maybe", I said carefully. "But the one who knows his own darkness won't be as easily tempted by it." I didn't know where those words came from, but I knew them to be true. "I... I didn't think I would be able to forgive you, but... These past days... I've had time to think. Some part of me still wish I had shot him, believing it would make me feel better, but I know now it would have changed me. I don't think I would have been able to handle it the way you have. You live for your calling - you believe in it. I know you don't do it because you feel guilty about killing Patchy's mother or because you want to prevent... Mike's death every time some bad guys threatens this town. I know you do it because... because it's the right thing to do. That's the belief that keeps you going and I wish..." I swallowed. "I wish I'll feel that way some day."

She watched me with an odd expression. "I don't think I ever heard you speak that much at one single time before", she said, with a mix between amusement and gentleness.

"I've got hidden depths", I remarked, suppressing my embarrassment.

"Thank you for believing in me."

"No - thank you for trusting me enough to bring me to that fight. I know Nightwing didn't think you did the right thing."

She arched an eyebrow at me. "Lurking in the shadows, listening, were you?" Then she sighed and closed her eyes. "I haven't held in a gun for seven years, you know - but I still remember the way it felt in my hand: cold, powerful. A thing made to kill with."

"Don't..." I said and impulsively touched her hand. She took it in hers and brought it to her cheek, still with her eyes closed. I heard her sigh.

"I don't think I can ever take a life again, under any circumstances. I think I will freeze completely, if it comes to that. I never want to take another life", she whispered and I felt the warmth of her breath on my hand. It tingled. She opened her eyes and looked at me with tears in them. "You know?" she said in another whisper. I nodded only, feeling her pain and her touch and fighting the way her nearness affected me.

Then suddenly her eyes widened in alarm and she sat up. "Damn! What time is it?"

I looked around at my alarm clock. The sun was shining through the windows. "Past noon", I said.

She cursed again and swung her legs across the edge of my bed to stand up, but came to a halt - leaning forward with her head between her hands. "Ugh - too much alcohol."

I grinned and rose. She glared at me with a vengeance.

"Meta-genes", I said, feigning an indifferent shrug. "I need to drink loads before I get a hang-over."

"Lucky you", she mumbled and rose. She went to the bathroom and I listened as she freshened herself up. "Need to go", she said as soon as she returned.

"What's the hurry?" I asked with a frown.

"It's Saturday - gala night."

"Again?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yeah. Some or another fashion-show. I'm supposed to attend with Wade. They offer snacks and drinks and dancing..." She stopped at the door and glanced at me. "You should come. Dick and Dinah are going. I have some spare invitations." She paused, then added, with a sly grin, looking me over with an expression making me suppress a blush that would have turned my face beet-red: "I bet you would look fabulous in a dress, kitten. I'd love to see it." She winked.

"Are you flirting with me, Miss Gordon?" I teased, hiding the fact that her wink made me extremely self-conscious. "'Cause it sure seems like it."

She laughed. "Me? I'm practically a married woman, kitten. Flirting around wouldn't be proper behavior, now - would it?" She opened the door. "Entrance at six - we're leaving my house in a limousine five to."

"I don't have a dress", I stated flatly.

"Won't be a problem. Alfred will bring some for you. Come to my place anytime you like. See you! And oh..." She paused, adding with a soft smile: "Thank you."

You are welcome, I thought as the door closed behind her. She always seemed to be leaving me - sometimes I wished I could tie her to a chair and force her to stay.

Part Thirteen

I opened my jewelry-case and looked at the gold ring with two emeralds and a diamond Wade had given me two months ago. I had accepted it, but I had hardly worn it since - only on a few special occasions. I explained to him I didn't want to make a great deal about our engagement as I already was put in the spotlight far too often. He accepted that. It seemed to me he accepted far too much in our relationship to keep me happy.

I needed to make a decision that night. Wearing the ring might help. I put it on my finger and studied it. Nothing. I didn't feel a thing. An engaged woman should feel something when seeing a ring like that on her finger. With an inward sigh I closed the case and left my bedroom.

I went down the hall on the second floor in my house and up a small stair at the end of it. The stair led to a slightly open door that I peeked through. The sight of Helena in front of the mirror in the guestroom made me lose my breath for a second. Goodness - she's beautiful! I thought momentarily stunned when I saw her in the dark-red silk dress, sprinkled with tiny, tiny shining beads. Not that I hadn't noticed before, but this... She was gorgeously beautiful and I knew that the thought that had come to me the previous night - when I watched her on the dance-floor - had been true. I had known for awhile that what I felt for her wasn't an ordinary friendship, but something more. Thinking about her as sexy had just been one indication of my feelings towards her. The night before when I stood dancing at the table and she brought us drinks, when I knew she was watching me in the dark and I turned to look at her... I had thought her beautiful then. I had felt her to be mine in that moment and when I reached for her I knew she would come. Then I danced with her, felt her arms encircling me - and I felt safe. I finally felt what I hadn't allowed myself to feel in seven years. I had looked her in the eyes and known the truth. She had done what countless of men before her - including Wade - had not managed to do. She made me forget Mike. When I was with her she was all that mattered. She was everything on my mind. When she wasn't there her face was still before my eyes and I counted the minutes until I was with her again. Before her I had compared everyone I dated with Mike - not even Wade could measure up to him. But Helena... I loved her as completely and as deeply as I ever had loved Mike. To lose her would be my death.

I sighed. She didn't even belong to me. She was a woman - and a particular headstrong woman at that. If I told her what I felt I would never hear the end of it.

I knocked and stepped in. She raised her eyes in the mirror and caught my gaze with a guarded expression. Then she turned to face me, making a grimace at her dress.

"What ya think?" she asked gruffly and smoothed the silk in her dress. I suppressed a grin, knowing she would be insulted if I made fun of her discomfiture.

"You look fine", I said standing right beside her.

"Fine?" She made another face and turned back to the mirror, glaring at me. "I get myself all dressed up for you and all I get is 'fine'. Hardly worth the effort."

This time I grinned. "Careful with what you say. I might think you're trying to make a pass on an almost married woman."

She arched an eyebrow at me, tugging at the thin strap on her shoulder. "You think this is too loose? I'm afraid it will slide down. Don't fancy to stand naked in the ballroom..."

I wouldn't mind, I thought and opened my mouth to tell her, but thought better of it. It was one thing to be casually flirting between friends, another to cross the line. I wanted to tell her she took my breath away, but that probably would be too much. "You look great", I said, stepping back a bit. "Really", I added, holding her gaze a little longer than necessary, before I looked down at myself. I had chosen an emerald-green silk frock, not much different from Helena's. "How do I look?"

She eyed me critically. Then she grinned and my heart skipped a beat. "Like a lady."

"Courtesy of Alfred", I said. "Something must have rubbed off during the years."

A knock on the door made us turn our heads.

"Wow!" Dick exclaimed, wide-eyed, seeing Helena. He whistled. "If you weren't my..."

"Don't you say it!" Helena pointed at him. "It's... It's not proper", she added lamely, glancing at me. I chuckled, realizing she was trying to behave like a lady - to honor Alfred.

Dick grinned. He was dressed in a black tuxedo and looked very handsome. "Don't you worry, little sis. You're safe with me."

"You look amazing yourself, by the way", Helena added. "Very... smart."

"Thank you." Dick straightened his tuxedo, grinning. "We'll look smashing together."

"Cut it now", I interfered. "All this British-ness..."

"'Smashing'?" Helena made a face. Dick opened his mouth to make a retort, but at the same moment Dinah put her head through the door.

"Barbara - you here? Oh!" The rest of her followed as she noticed Helena. "Wow!"

Helena glanced at me, arching an eyebrow. "At least they like my outfit. Judging by your reaction I thought I would fit best in the kitchen with the rest of the staff."

I shrugged. "I didn't want to infuse your vanity."

"Right", she said ironically.

"Wade's here", Dinah said, glancing at me; she looked wonderful in blue and white silk, her hair bound up with silver-ribbons. She eyed me and smiled. "You look great. He's such a lucky man, you know."

We'll see after tonight, I thought with some bitterness. By my side Helena turned away, mumbling something beneath her breath. I glanced at her, wondering what she was grumping about.

"Barbara?" Dinah asked questioningly.

"I'm coming."

I hurried downstairs before the others. Wade was waiting for me in the library, where Alfred entertained him. He sat in Bruce's old favorite armchair and rose as I entered the room.

"Barbara - you look..." He seemed unable to express himself.

"Like a lady", Alfred helpfully said and Wade nodded.

"Yes", he said, not taking his eyes off me. When he noticed I was wearing the ring his face lit up with a strange, intense joy. "You're wearing it", he said delightedly.

"I am." I suddenly felt a strange sadness seeing his profound happiness and in that moment I knew: I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. I never had been, but he had been a great support for me the last year. I would never be able to repay him for that, or even make him understand how much he meant to me. In another life - if my life had been different - I could have loved him and wanted to stay with him, shared my secrets with him. As it were... Our lives were too different. I had too many secrets and one day either of my occupations would cost him his life. It was safer for him if I wasn't in his life.

I took his hand. "Wade..."

"Miss Barbara - the car is waiting. The others are waiting for you", Alfred said.

"We shouldn't keep them waiting", Wade said, kissing my hand. I hesitated, but gave in and nodded.

Later, then.

The car-ride didn't take long, but I sat too close to Helena. I felt her thigh pressed against mine during the whole ride and found it difficult to concentrate on much else. Wade held an easy conversation with Dick and Dinah, while Helena too seemed absent-minded. I wondered if she might be tired since yesterday, or if she regretted coming along already. I hoped not.

I remembered the moment the night before, when I had looked into her eyes on the dance-floor - or on the table, to be more correct - and finally put words to my thoughts and emotions. I'm in love with her. God - how I had wanted to kiss her right there! I felt for her as I was supposed to feel about Wade (another reason for me to break the engagement, I added as a mental note to myself). This is great, I thought wryly. Just plain great. I sighed inwardly. I couldn't think a straight thought sitting next to her. How on earth was I suppose to be able to keep working together with her, when all I could think about was her soft lips and eyes and the way her skin had felt to touch... her arms around me and her heart beating next to mine? Great. Just great...

It was disastrous.

Part Fourteen

She wore her engagement ring that night. I had never seen her wear it before. I wondered what that meant, as I watched her dance with Wade. She was beautiful - stunning.

"Huh?" I said to the man beside me as I realized he was talking to me. What was his name again? Detective Reese - that was it. Barbara had introduced me to him when we arrived at the Town Hall. This was the guy who caught Black Canary's killer (although he knew nothing of Black Canary; only of Carolyn Lance, as had been her name); the criminal who happened to be his own father. Tough guy. I recognized him from that night at Arkam. He was the cop that had pointed a gun at me. He did say he found me familiar looking, but he didn't seem to remember me.

"You don't find me remotely interesting, do you?" he said dryly and I felt myself blushing. Shit.

"Um, yes?" Not my finest comeback. He was quite cute, but he couldn't compare to Barbara Gordon. Who could, anyway?

"No, I didn't think so. Well, my usual luck." He shrugged, noncommittally. He was dressed in dark trousers and a dark jacket and looked quite handsome - or I would have found him handsome, if it hadn't been for that woman dancing with her fianc� in the middle of the room.

"I'm sorry", I said, fleetingly wondering why an ordinary police officer had been invited to such a party. Not that I was discriminating him or anything - I mean, I had even less right to be there - he just seemed out of place among the rest of the fancy people. He also seemed a little stiff and I wondered if he actually carried his gun with him. I wondered if he would have been allowed to bring it through the doors. "I just have other things on my mind."

"That's obvious", he said and nodded towards Barbara and Wade on the dance-floor. "You haven't taken your eyes off them the whole evening. What's up? She stole your boyfriend or something?"

"What? Barbara? No." I shook my head. "You know her, right?"

"I don't think anyone know her", Reese said surprisingly honest. "But I'm honored to say I have some connection to her as a friend."

"Me too." I nodded. "Although I'm new to her life and I'm still trying to figure her out."

"Good luck with that", he said smiling. "She's as mysterious as Bruce Wayne. For years I thought they had a secret love-affair."

The thought made me laugh. "That would be the day!"

He grinned. "Yeah."

"Excuse me", someone said close by and we turned our heads. A tall, dark-haired, handsome man was standing beside us and I blinked as I recognized him. "Helena?" he said. "God - Helena, it is you! I didn't recognize you."

"Jack", I said.

Jack turned suspicious and glaring eyes at Reese. "And who are you?"

"This is detective Reese", I said calmly. "A friend."

Jack Barrett was my ex boyfriend. I had adored him in high-school and when I returned from my second tour around Europe two years ago - right before I started at the University - he finally noticed me. We became a couple, but when my mother died... I pushed him so far away he didn't even show up at her funeral. I didn't know what he was doing at the banquet and it felt strange seeing him again. It was as if he belonged to a completely different life from the one I was living now.

"Helena..." Jack looked at me and surprised me by stepping up and kissing my cheek. "I've missed you. Can we talk?"

"Um..." I glanced at Reese, who nodded and lifted his almost empty plastic cup.

"Go ahead. I'll find someone on whom my charms will actually work."

I smiled at him. "Wrong time, wrong place", I said.

"Another life, then?" he asked with a wink and grinned. I returned the grin, much to Jake's obvious annoyance. I realized I would like to have Reese as a friend. He seemed to be a nice guy.

I turned my head, glancing once more at Barbara Gordon. It startled me that she was looking directly at me with an odd expression. I recognized the look on her face - she had looked at me like that the night before, seeing me on the dance floor below the table where she was dancing. I held her gaze through the crowded room, wanting her to reach out for me again as she had the night before, but then Jack took my arm and lead me away.

Apparently Jack wanted privacy and I followed him without thinking about it. I had practically lived with him for fourteen months and I knew him well.

"Down here", he said and opened a door with a sign that said: Basement.

"Jack - isn't this a bit... overdone? There must be someplace outside..."

"Too much trouble", he said. "Humor me?" he added with a grin and I smiled, remembering the way he had used to make me feel.

"Alright. I just don't want to soil my dress. It's a loan."

"Ladies first..." He stepped aside, holding the door for me. I remembered Nightwing had said the same at one time and smiled as I stepped down the stairs. That was the last thing I remembered as I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head and everything went black.

When I came to my senses I was tied with my back against a cold pipeline on a concrete floor in a damp place, presumably still in the basement of the Town Hall. A pale, yellow light lit the room from a bulb in the high ceiling and a broad-shouldered man I didn't know pointed a gun at me.

You've got to be kidding me? I thought annoyed, for which time in the last month I didn't know. Would Gotham never run out of psychotic abductors? "Who are you?" I demanded to know, trying to move my hands. My legs were tied together in front of me. The rope tying my hands cut into my wrists and my hands felt numb. "Where's Jack?"

The man grinned and I noticed something changing about him. A slight blur took place and suddenly he turned into someone else. Jack, more precisely.

"Prefer it this way?" Jack Barrett's face grinned at me.

"Clayface", I snarled, spitting. I thrust at the pipe, but it held tight, as did my ropes. I was tied as tightly as a lamb to the slaughter.

"Oh, yes, baby - I so like it when you say my name like that." Clayface grinned and changed his appearances back to himself. "I was aiming for Barbara Gordon tonight. But you will do fine as an appetizer. Patch might be dead, but I did promise him to get rid of you."

Barbara!

"You sick bastard! Get me out of this and fight like a fucking man!"

"No, no - what a language for a lady."

"I ain't no lady."

"What a pity." Clayface raised his gun. "I failed to take down your mother once, but there's no Batgirl to save you now."

He pointed his gun at me, cocked it and grinned. In that moment I knew I was going to die and my only regret was that I hadn't told Barbara that I loved her. A cold chill went through my body as I heard the gunshot, but there was no impact. I blinked.

Clayface instantaneously spun around, aiming into the shadows and a second shot echoed in the basement. Clayface fired, but then went down as a third shot took him clean in the chest. He fell with his face at me feet, mumbling something. Blood stained the concrete-floor around him. He'd been shot three times - all bullets had hit him: one in the left shoulder, one in his thigh and the last in his chest.

I raised my eyes. Barbara Gordon stepped out of the shadows, closely followed by detective Reese. I noticed Reese's jacket was opened, revealing an empty holster - but it was Barbara holding the gun. She moved gracefully towards me and knelt by my side, safe from the blood around Clayface.

"You all right?" she asked as she put the gun on the floor beside us. Reese immediately retrieved it and quickly checked on Clayface. When he didn't bother with Clayface's gun I knew the man was dead. Reese looked up and then disappeared somewhere in the shadows, on his guard with his own gun raised.

I nodded, saying nothing. I searched Barbara's face for any indication of distress, but she seemed unaffected. She had killed another man. She had killed for me. Would she hate me now?

"I think we're even now", she said with a slight smile, untying my hands.

"How so?" I still felt a cold pressure on my chest. One breath too late and I would have been dead. Why was she here? How come...? She killed for me.

"Me saving you from a dark place - not the other way around."

I shook my head and rubbed my wrists as she moved on to free my legs. "You have dangerous friends", I said, looking at Clayface.

"Occupational hazard", she responded, looking up at me. "You'll learn to know what it's like when you've been in the game as long as I." She held my gaze. "If you stay."

I didn't know what to say and in the same moment Reese returned, returning the gun to the holster.

"Cleared", he said.

Barbara helped me to my feet and I leaned slightly on her. My meta-human genes assured I would be fit for fight in another moment, but I enjoyed feeling her body close to mine.

"You go", Reese said, looking at Barbara. "I'll take care of this."

"You sure?" Barbara asked with a frown.

"If I had taken you seriously from the beginning instead of indicating you were paranoid I would have..." He silenced, glancing at me before looking at Barbara again. "You did my job. Never knew you had reflexes like that, or was such a good shot. Ever considered joining the force?"

"Thanks - my life is dangerously active as it is", Barbara said dryly.

"I'd say", Reese mumbled, looking down at Clayface. "I'll work something out. Go now. I figure you've been the center of attention as much as you want the last month."

"Thanks, Reese", she said sincerely and he nodded, waving us off.

"Go now - guards and cops are on their way."

Barbara nodded. "You must look around for a bomb", she said. "And clear the building."

He stared at her. "Now you're saying!"

"I had other things on my mind before", she said quietly and I felt her squeeze me a little harder. I felt a strange, melting warmth in my chest. "Don't think it's activated yet, though. Or if it is it won't go off until the mayor holds her toast in... exactly forty-five minutes."

He narrowed his eyes at her and I pulled her along.

"Come on", I mumbled. "We don't want to be here when the cops arrive." I glanced at Reese. "Thanks. I owe you one."

He shook his head and picked up his phone, turning away from us.

"You know what I think he's thinking?" I said as we hurried towards the stairs. I went for the main stair, but Barbara directed me in another way and showed me a tiny door hidden behind a large drum, leading to a dark hallway and then some stairs.

"What?" she asked curiously as we ascended the stairs and opened a steel-door at the top. I looked around as we exited at the back of the Town Hall, in a dark, narrow alley.

"Probably the same as I'm thinking", I mumbled. "That I'm sure as hell glad you're on the right side of the law."

She shuddered. "Don't say things like that."

I turned around to face her and tilted my head to one side as she usually did. I grinned. "Just imagine - what a team we would have made."

"We'll make a team yet", she said, but added with a grin: "Unless you want to fly solo? You being cat and all."

"Only part cat", I said, feigning to be insulted. "Besides, you're the flying one."

"But bats fly in hoards."

"Right", I said, looking down at my dress with a sigh. "In any case - this is not a thing to wear when a crime-fighter."

"Tell me about it", she said, looking down at her stained dress. "I wonder how I'm going to explain this to Wade?" she added, mumbling.

"How did you know, by the way? Reese said you were suspicious about something? How did you know?"

"Just a hunch", she said with a shrug.

"Yeah, right. Soon you'll tell me the moon really is a cheese."

"Clayface had some plans in the past to eliminate Gotham's high-society. I figured he would be here tonight."

"And you didn't say anything?"

"What did you think Reese was doing there, armed and all? He wasn't the only cop present tonight. I alerted the police to the fact Clayface might try something. Reese was just reluctant to believe your boyfriend had something to do with it, is all."

"My boyfriend? You know about Jack?"

"Well, yeah. Kind of..." She made a face. "Remember? When I do research I do it thoroughly."

"But Jack? How did you figure...?"

"Just leave it, will you?" she asked softly and I swallowed, hearing the pleading edge to her voice. I nodded.

"Want to go home?" I asked quietly. The police would take care of the rest. I heard sirens in the background, knowing an ambulance was on its way. It would be too late for Clayface. The police-force with a bomb-squad would arrive as well. We need to find Dick and Dinah, I thought, touching my earring. I hadn't been able to activate my intercom while my hands were tied.

"I need to be with Wade tonight", she said. "We have things to talk about." She sighed. "I keep too many secrets from him", I heard her mumble, more to herself than to me. I felt a cold shiver down my spine, guessing she was going to tell Wade about herself. That could only mean one thing - she was finally ready to commit to him.

"Barbara", I said as she walked away. She stopped and looked at me. "Are you... Are you all right?"

She smiled softly, making a gesture I knew. "Yes", she said. "Yes - I am." She moved towards me and touched my cheek. "I really need to talk to Wade first. We'll talk later. Alright?"

I nodded and watched her leave.

* * * * *

When Barbara returned the morning after the incident at the Town Hall she didn't mention Wade at all. The cops had taken care of Clayface's body and the news the next day mentioned him and a bomb that hadn't yet been activated in the basement. Barbara had been right, but it was detective Reese that became the hero. Not that I thought she minded.

I had informed Dick and Dinah about what really had happened and the rest of the week Dick seemed to wait for some sort of explosion coming from Barbara, but nothing happened. Dinah - with her mind-reading abilities - said Barbara was fine, but Dick didn't seem to believe her. I wasn't really sure myself. Barbara seemed fine, but she was behaving oddly. She seemed to distance herself from Batgirl. Not once during that week did she dress as Batgirl and go sweeping the town with me. She preferred the role of Oracle, watching Delphi and directing us on the intercom. It pained me, hearing her voice in my ear and not being able to tease her or to laugh with her as when we had roamed the rooftops together. She seemed absent-minded when I was around and I didn't know how to handle her reservation, so I became cool and aloof in return, but also edgy. I snapped at her a few times, but she didn't even seem to notice. She didn't tease me anymore and I didn't hear her laugh when I was around. I thought that maybe she blamed me for having to kill Clayface after all, but one evening right after dinnertime I came down to the kitchen and heard her and Dick being involved in an argument. I remained in the kitchen as they stood staring at each other in front of Delphi, as I had seen them once before.

Dick was really upset and I realized Barbara's calm only infuriated him further.

"You killed him!" he accused. "You're bound to have felt something!"

"Of course I did. Regret, Dick. I didn't want to kill him, but he left me no choice. But you know what? That was his choice - not mine. He fired at Reese and me and I couldn't take a risk he would hit any of us. I learned something in that basement, Dick. I've been so damn afraid these years - of the darkness within me. Clayface taught me that doing what we do, being who we are... Sooner or later we'll have to face that choice. To let live - or to kill to save ourselves or those we love. There is that difference, though - to kill in cold blood or to kill in defense. It is not right to kill and I would not ever again do it the way I once did, but I won't have that fear making me freeze in a moment when I need to act. I would never have forgiven myself if I had let him kill Helena because I couldn't make a choice and face the consequences. I don't regret what I did, Dick. I only regret that he had to force me make that choice, but that was his choice and I had to act on it. I am fine, Dick. Really, I am."

And I knew, seeing her face him like that, that she was. It made something hard within me dissolve, hearing her speak of me in such a way. At the floor below Dick reluctantly nodded as the elevator made a buzzing sound and opened its doors.

I moved from the shadows of the kitchen as Dinah and Alfred walked out of the elevator on the other floor.

"Mr. Brixton has left flowers for you, Miss Barbara", Alfred said. "I left them in your lounge. Want me to phone him up for you?"

"No, thank you, Alfred", Barbara said and nodded at me as I approached from the stairs.

"Miss Barbara. Being engaged and not sharing part of your life with him..."

"Great - a third of you want me to dump him and you want to invite him to the batcave." Barbara shook her head."

"But, Miss..."

"No, Alfred", she said with sudden sharpness and looked at him. "It is enough."

He nodded meekly. "May I only ask - why not?" he added.

"Because I've broken the engagement", she said simply, turning to Delphi. I blinked and Dinah gaped at her.

"You did - what...?" Dick looked as dumbfounded as I felt. "Why haven't you told... us?"

She shrugged. "No big deal."

We looked disapprovingly at her.

"What?" she said, noticing our silence and glancing over her shoulder.

Dick shook his head. "You've grown into Bruce. Keeping secrets from you friends."

"I'm not... It just didn't... come up. It's not as if you've asked about or would miss him", she added. "You all couldn't just wait for me to get rid of him and when I have you blame me for it."

"That's not the point", I said bitingly and she turned to me.

"No? And will you now tell me what's the point?" she asked disapprovingly. She held my gaze and I clenched my jaws.

"Stop it." Dinah stepped between us. "Don't start again. Fine - Wade's out. Let's move on in our lives. No big deal."

Barbara and I still stood staring at each other like two cowboys in a duel in some old movie.

"Dinah's right", Dick said with a shrug. "No big deal. Let's take a sweep on town, Huntress."

I ignored him, holding Barbara's gaze and she wasn't giving in.

"Quit it", Dinah said and boxed me on the arm.

"Ouch!" I said, rubbing my arm and looking annoyed at her. "What the hell...?"

Barbara turned her back on me and sat down in front of the desk. At the same time the Delphi-alarm went off and we all looked at the system.

"The harbor", Barbara said after a few seconds, locating the spot on the maps.

"Right, we're on to it", Dick said. "Dinah..."

"Dinah stays", Barbara said without taking her eyes off the screens above her head.

"What?" the girl objected. "It's only ten thirty..."

"By the time you're there and back again it's past twelve. You've got a test tomorrow, remember? Beside, it might be dangerous."

"Dangerous?" Dinah squared her shoulders. "You've got to be kidding me? After all we've been through the last month...?"

"We don't know what it is yet, it might be..."

"For fucks sake!" I intervened, taking a step forward. "Give the girl a break. She's bored out of her mind here. There's been nothing fun around here for a whole week. What harm could it do?"

"You stay out of this."

Barbara didn't even look at me and that was probably what pissed me off the most.

"No - I won't. You are not the only one capable of making decisions around here. Killing people doesn't automatically make you a leader."

I heard both Dick and Dinah gasp and wondered if I had crossed the line, but I was too angry and frustrated to care. Barbara stiffened in her chair, not moving. Dinah looked from me to her and back again.

"You're worse than a bickering old couple, the two of you", she said. "What?" she added, seeing the stern look Barbara gave her. "Just an observation."

Barbara turned in the chair, looking at me. "A word with you?" she said, arching an eyebrow. I shrugged.

"Right - I'm on my way", Dick said. "Dinah..."

The girl sighed. "I'll be in my room. Studying..." she added, glancing pointedly at Barbara.

"And I'm returning to Miss Barbara's house", Alfred said humbly excusing himself. It wasn't long before we were left alone.

Barbara rose from the chair, angrily pacing the floor in front of me.

"How dare you criticize me in front of Dinah?" she said, coming to a halt and looking at me.

"Someone has to", I retorted. "Dick hasn't got the balls and you won't listen to Dinah. You've kept her close all week... Give her some slack."

"She's got school. She's just a kid..."

"She's not a kid! And she's certainly not just a kid. You know what she can do..." I threw out my arm.

"Yes - I do. I know her and you don't. It's easy for you to advice me about her, but you don't know what it's like. You don't know her - her weaknesses. We all have weaknesses and she is not ready."

"Because you say so?" I challenged.

"Because I say so", she confirmed and I smirked at her.

"And that's the end of the conversation, right? Barbara Gordon knows best..."

"Come again when you've raised a child", she snapped. "Then you can tell me all about what it's like."

"Don't you go there", I snarled. "I don't have to live through things to see what's right in front of me."

"And what's that, Helena?" Her eyes burnt a hole in me, but I set my jaw and narrowed my eyes at her.

"You're just afraid to lose her. You're so afraid to lose her you'll keep her in chains and tied to a pole for the rest of her life."

"You know - you have no idea what you are talking about..."

"That's right... You're the fucking oracle, aren't you? You have all the right answers, taking all the responsibility, making all the tough choices... If you just let someone else carry the fucking burden sometime you'd be a happier woman, I'll tell you that! And that's for free", I added.

"And who would I leave the burden to?" she asked me icily. "You?"

I blinked - not seeing that one coming.

"He left me!" she suddenly exclaimed." God damn him - he left me, Helena! Both of them did. Not a word. I was lucky enough to realize what your father was up to and I confronted him. Yeah - he made me realize it wasn't good for him to stick around, but that didn't make me any happier. If I hadn't caught him he would just have been...gone. And Dick..." She turned away, throwing out her arms. "He was just gone one day. Who the hell do you want me to trust?" she snarled as she turned back to me, eyeing me disdainfully. "You? I don't even know why you're still here... You've got what you wanted, you are free to go. There's nothing holding you here anymore."

You are, I thought, looking at her - seeing this pain and anger within her. I wanted to respond somehow, but didn't know in what way. I remembered the first time we had an argument and I wasn't going to say something I might regret.

We looked at each other and finally she sighed, shaking her head, and moved to lean on the desk beside me.

"You are not that wrong, Helena", she said and I blinked in surprise. She sure knew how to throw me. "I do love her and I am afraid of losing her, but I don't want her to grow up too quickly either - as I had too. I wasn't that much older than her, you know, when Mike died."

"I know", I mumbled, but I didn't know if she heard me.

"You are not wrong, it's just the way you say it. I thought... I considered us to be friends, but lately it seems to me I've done something to hurt you. You cut at me and are defensive. If I've done something wrong let's talk about it."

I chose not to listen to that; I wasn't ready to go there. "About Dinah..." I said instead and noticed the disappointed expression in her eyes. "This is what we do, Barbara. She needs to know you trust her. Take some risks, it's part of what we do. Who we are."

"Risks?" she snapped, standing up. She was suddenly very close to me and I was distracted by her scent, by her heaving chest as she gasped for air. "What do you know about risks? You've..."

She lost me. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, her mouth too near not to be kissed. I couldn't stop myself - I had longed too long for this. I quickly caught her face between my hands and leaned forward. She instantly caught herself and silenced, but before she had time to do anything I pressed my lips against hers and kissed her.

At first I had no thought of what to do next. I hadn't exactly planned to kiss her and when I did it was just this quick, hard pressure against her lips. But oh - her lips were lovely! So soft I didn't want to let her go, but I realized I had to.

I let go of her face and stepped back. It was all over in few heartbeats. She stared at me with this strange look. She seemed neither angry nor confused, just... I couldn't tell. And I wasn't hanging around to find out what she had to tell me about my action.

"Helena...!" she called as I jumped to the second floor and was heading for the window-ledge. It surprised me to hear a slight note of fear in her voice.

"Nightwing might need a hand", I called and hesitated for a brief moment, looking down at her. I still couldn't tell what she was thinking. Damn her and her always-in-control behavior! I thought fleetingly. She nodded slightly, as if giving me leave to go. Maybe she did - I didn't know. I didn't know anything anymore.

I left the Clocktower and raced through the night towards the harbor. Somewhat belatedly I realized it would take me quite awhile to reach my destination. If Dick was in any real trouble I would be too late to give a hand and if it was only a minor problem and he wouldn't need my help he would be home by the time I reached the port. Damn! I thought, but knew I hadn't been able to remain at the Clocktower. I had panicked and run from a situation, for the first time in my life.

While speeding through the dark I still couldn't help myself from smiling. I had kissed Barbara Gordon. It wasn't the most exciting kiss, but I had felt her soft lips touching mine, her face between my hands... I blushed in the dark when I thought about it. God - what must she think of me? Hopefully she would just put it behind her and forget all about it - or at least pretend it never happened. I licked my lips, tasting her. The thought of what I would want to do with her if I had a chance aroused me and made my eyes change into vertical slits, like a cats.

�Huntress - you there?"

Her voice was in my ear - I hadn't turned off the intercom. No, I thought ironically. I've flown to the moon - out of radio contact. Shit! I wished flying to the moon was an option.

"Yeah."

I expected her to say something about me running off - or kissing her - but she was using her Oracle-voice, cool and efficient.

�I've just heard from Nightwing. It was only a regular break-in. Two guys are caught. Nightwing will stay with them until the cops arrive."

"Fine", I said. She seemed to hesitate. Shit! I thought again, feeling a slight shiver of fear along my back.

�I've told him we need some private time to talk. He won't bother us. Will you meet me at my room at the Clocktower?"

Alone? With her? In her room? Fuck... So much for her forgetting... I could run, but I knew that wasn't an option.

�We need to talk."

"Right", I said and changed direction. "I'll be right there."

She had left the door wide-open for me and the memory of that first night in the Clocktower made me smile as I entered. I knocked politely just for the sake of it.

She stood at the windows in her lounge with her back to the door, looking out at the sleeping world below as I entered. I halted in the middle of the room, waiting for her to turn. When she did she held herself as I had seen her do on the cemetery by Mike's grave and there was this vulnerable expression in her eyes I hadn't seen with her before. She watched me and seemed to be waiting for me to say something. I knew she probably wanted me to explain my actions, but I had no words. What would I say? I had no words to explain how I felt. There were no words that could even begin to describe my feelings for her.

When I remained silent she moved a few steps into the room until we stood face to face on an arms length. She still held herself, as if to shield herself from some unknown pain.

"You have anything to say?" she asked, watching me closely. The vulnerable expression had left her eyes and I couldn't tell what she was thinking.

"Um, sorry..." I said sheepishly; I didn't know what else to say. She shook her head.

"I'm not", she said as she suddenly closed the space between us. Her arms went around my neck, pulling me closer and instantly arousing me with their strength and gentleness. I responded immediately by encircling her waist with my arms and pressed her even closer as her lips found mine. I didn't have the slightest clue to what went on, but if she was kissing me I wasn't going to object.

Damn - she's good at this! I thought as her lips traced the shape of my mouth, making my senses tingle. She was all softness, but there was an urgency within her that surprised me and aroused me both. I wanted more of her lips, her mouth, her touch...

The kiss deepened and I felt her tongue claiming me, needing me. She was passionate and sweet at the same time and it was the strangest, most exciting thing I'd ever felt in a situation like that. I needed her and for once in my life I wasn't afraid to show it. I held her as close to me as I could without breaking any bones and let my mouth and my tongue reveal how much I wanted her, needed her. Not only like that - two bodies locked in sexual activity - but in my life, in my soul. She was some kind of miracle to me and in any life, in any situation, I would have loved her or perished when she didn't love me back...

I gasped as her hands tugged at my shirt and exposed bare skin. Her hands traveled the length of my body and I felt my eyes changing with my need for her and with the soft touch of her hands. I lost control for a brief second and lifted her through the room without breaking contact with her lips until she was pressed with her back against the wall beside her bedroom door. I wanted her so badly and as it seemed she wanted what I wanted I didn't hold back, ravaging her body with my hands, feeling her naked skin beneath the top she was wearing, hearing her gasp in my ear. But suddenly I was afraid. I didn't know what this meant to her. I didn't know... anything. I hesitated and she felt it.

"Helena", she whispered with her cheek to mine. I closed my eyes, leaning in and burrowing my face at her neck. I wanted to cry - for happiness and love. For fear.

"There's a first for everything, right?" I mumbled incoherently at her neck, remembering her words the other week. I felt her chuckle and knew she'd heard me and understood.

"Yeah", she said. "I guess there is."

I sighed, not wanting to break contact with her, but knowing I had to. I leaned back and found her looking directly at me.

"You're a hard woman to know", she said, but I shook my head.

"You know me", I said without a doubt and she tilted her head to one side.

"Yeah, I think I do."

She touched my cheek; traced the outlines of my cheekbone with her fingers, down to my chin.

"Are you for real?" I asked in a whisper and she smiled at me.

"Remember that night - when you stepped on a shadow to see if it was Shadow, on the top of that building were he wanted to recruit you? It was the playfulness of you that drew me. If you ask I can't give a specific moment to when I fell in love with you..." She smiled seeing my reaction. "What? Do you think I kiss just anyone like that?"

I grinned and felt extremely satisfied seeing her eyeing my mouth with a longing gaze, but she collected herself and went on.

"Still, I think I knew right from the beginning. I just couldn't seem to get you out of my mind."

"Me neither", I admitted. "Although you annoyed the hell out of me to begin with..."

"It's one of my best qualities", she said smiling and I felt myself drowning in her eyes. There wasn't a thing more beautiful in the world than her eyes when she smiled. "I do love you, you know", she said with sudden sincerity and I caught myself, feeling a strange tightness in my chest. "I don't know what you feel, or if you even feel anything other than maybe some... attraction towards me, but I..." She held my gaze. "I love you. I haven't loved anyone like this since Mike. You've pulled me from a world that was dead and gave me new life."

I didn't know what to say, but her words moved me.

"I... I'm no good at this", I said and shook my head. "I'm sorry, but..."

"Helena..." She took my hand in hers and looked me in the eye. There was this gentleness and trust - the warmth - of the Barbara Gordon I had fallen in love with and I swallowed. "I don't ask anything of you. You are free to go..."

"No", I said with difficulty. "No - I'm not. I'm bound to you. I won't... there's no home were you aren't", I said and I saw that she remembered. She smiled, almost shyly.

"You mean that?"

"I do. You are everything I need, for the rest of my life."

"You too", she said, almost in a whisper. "You too, to me."

I couldn't stop myself from kissing her then, softly - deeply, claiming her as mine, giving my heart to her. After a moment, when I let her go, she caressed my cheek with an intense look that made my body burn for her.

"I wanted to tell you... that you looked so beautiful in that dress last week, but I couldn't. And then I was so very jealous seeing you with Jack that night", she said. "I meant to look for you to tell you about Clayface, just to interfere with whatever was going on between the two of you, but when I realized he'd taken you to the basement I was suspicious..."

�You were jealous?" I asked incredulously. "You - Barbara Gordon, the-one-and-always-in-control?"

She smiled wryly, only slightly embarrassed. "Rub it in, will you."

I grinned and again noticed her looking at my mouth.

"I wouldn't mind making love to you right here", she said in a hoarse whisper that made me want to take her right then and there as she suggested.

"What's stopping us?" I mumbled, tracing the shape of her body with my hand. She leaned back against the wall, biting her lower lip when my hand gently caressed her breast.

"Will you please close the door?" she asked hoarsely and I glanced at the still open door towards the hallway.

"Damn", I mumbled, realizing Dick or Dinah might come to check on Barbara. If the door was closed they wouldn't disturb her, though.

"You wanted a safe exit, didn't you?" she asked lowly, but with an amusedly arched eyebrow.

"And now I'm regretting my cautiousness", I mumbled as I reluctantly let go of her. Even the few seconds it would take me to close the door felt as an eternity away from her. Before I let go entirely of her I paused and looked her in the eye. "You won't go and die on me or something?" I asked reproachfully. "You know - I'd come straight after you to the kingdom of death, like in that Greek myth. Except the music and singing... I'd just snatch you straight back... fighting gods to keep you."

She smiled and took my hand. "I wouldn't expect any less of you, kitten." Then she grew serious, watching me cautiously. "You won't leave me, will you? I wouldn't... My heart wouldn't be able to take it."

I was moved seeing her need for me in her eyes, marveling at how I could have missed it before. "Don't worry." I kissed her quickly. "I wouldn't leave you for all the melted fudge sprinkled strawberries in the world."

She frowned and I was going to tell her I was serious about it when she said: "I wonder how I'm going to tell Dinah and Dick about this. Are you still here?" she added, making a shooing motion towards the door. "Get the damn door closed and get back to me."

I laughed as I hurried to do as she said, knowing I wasn't alone anymore. I had found that special love my mother had talked about and with it in my heart I would learn Life's true lesson. My mother would be pleased.

I closed the door and turned to Barbara. She smiled at me as she went through the open door to her bedroom with one arm reaching out for me. I wasn't slow to follow.

~ ~ ~

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Jinx's Storyland

an experiment in writing