| Potential Bumper
Stickers... ---------------------------- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise? Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places. Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't Go Wrong at once. The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission. There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know. 2. Do unto others, then run..................... |
| A
Deal with a Sailor A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." |
| Are
you feeling old? Looking for a fountain of youth?
Consider this: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one. The digital Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They have no idea what "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me." means. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard the term "Where's the beef?". Oliver North was testifying when they were in 3rd grade. There was never a time Personal Computers, hand held calculators, remote controls, microwave ovens, fax machines, and beepers never existed. Do you feel old now? Remember, the people who don't know these things will be in college this year. |
| WILL
ROGERS FAMOUS QUOTES ABOUT GOVERNMENT "No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of truth...Now rumor travels fast but it don't stay put as long as truth" "I don't make jokes, I just watch the Government and report the facts..." "We'll show the world we are prosperous, even if we have to go broke to do it." "Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, that don't hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous." "Things in our country run in spite of government. Not by aid of it!" "It's just got so that 90 percent of the people in this country don't give a damn. Politics ain't worrying this country one tenth as much as parking space." "We shouldn't elect a President; we should elect a magician." "If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven." "I don't care how little your country is, you got a right to run it like you want to. When the big nations quit meddling, then the world will have peace." "Now if there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs." "Nobody wants to be called common people, especially common people." "Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it's not one bit better than the government we got for one third the money twenty years ago." "Liberty dont work as good in practice as it does in speeches." "The Income Tax has made more Liars out of American people than Golf has." "It's not what you pay a man but what he costs you that counts." "There is nothing as stupid as an educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in." "Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects." "Our Foreign dealings are an Open Book, generally a Check Book." |
| In an era
of Truth-in-Advertising, a few states are rethinking
their mottos... HERE IS A LIST OF NEW STATE MOTTOS Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes" Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States! Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot? |
| Random Thoughts --------------- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station ... Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Does fuzzy logic tickle? If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. How come you never hear about gruntled employees? How much faith does it take to be an atheist? In your head but you can't actually say it, "I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem." If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of? If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? |
| A telephone
exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service" RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine" RS : "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS: "San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G : "You're welcome" |
| A Russian couple was walking down
the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the red knows rain dear." |
| DON´T SQUAT WITH YER
SPURS ON: A COWBOY´S GUIDE TO LIFE ~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day. ~ There´s two theories to arguin´ with a woman. Neither one works. ~ Don´t worry about bitin´ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger´n you think. ~ If you get to thinkin´ you´re a person of some influence, try orderin´ somebody else´s dog around. ~ Never ask a man the size of his spread. ~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you´re full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin´. ~ Never smack a man who´s chewin´ tobacco. ~ It don´t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. ~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. ~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. ~ Always drink upstream from the herd. ~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. ~ If you´re ridin´ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it´s still there. ~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don´t be surprised if they learn their lesson. ~ When you´re throwin´ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. ~ Lettin´ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ´n puttin´ it back. ~ Always take a good look at what you´re about to eat. It´s not so important to know what it is, but it´s critical to know what it was. ~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. ~ Never miss a good chance to shut up. |
MORE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
MEN (XY) and WOMEN (XX) 1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men- but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. |
| Basic Rules for
Driving in Boston (subject to change at any time): 1. When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass. 2. Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car. 3. The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it. 4. Double-park in the North End of Boston, unless triple-parking is available. 5. Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. 6. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. 7. Always look both ways when running a red light. 8. Honk your horn the instant the light changes. 9. Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in. 10. Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in. Why tip your hand? 11. Making eye contact revokes your right of way. 12. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. 13. Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights. |
WAILING
WALL A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when he looks out, he sees this old Jew praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old Jew replies: "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it make you feel to come and pray every day for 25 years for these things?" The old Jew replies: "I might as well be talking to a wall." |
| A Quick Course in
Comparative Religions Capitalism He who dies with the most toys, wins. Jehovah's Witnesses He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins. Catholicism He who denies himself the most toys, wins. Pentecostalism He whose toys can talk, wins. Buddhism He who dies with no toys, wins. Communism Everyone gets the same number of toys, and whoever is caught selling his toys goes straight to hell. Atheism There is no toy maker. Polytheism There are many toy makers. Evolutionism The toys made themselves. Confucianism Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry. Branch Davidians He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins. Hinduism He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals,loses. Mormonism Every boy can have as many toys as he wants. |
Muslim
He who plays only with soldier toys, wins. Satanism He who plays with fire, wins. Judaism He who plays without following the rules, loses. Anglican They were our toys first. Greek Orthodox No, they were OURS first. 7th Day Adventist He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses. Baptist Once played, always played.
|
| One day while walking
down the street a highly successful executive woman was
tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up
in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.
Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. |
Everybody shook her
hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff." |
|
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget
about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But
every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him.
"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard, you're a Veterinarian...." |