Misc. Short Jokes
Did you hear about the boarding house that blew up? Roomers are still flying. What has Michael Hutchence got that Bob Geldof hasn't? A widow. When the Police discovered Michael Hutchences' body they also found heroin, cocaine and amphetamines, but the rest of the children were with Paula Yates. How do you re-unite INXS? Get 4 more leather belts. A pregnant woman gives birth and afterwards the doctor goes up to her and says "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" She asks for the bad news first and the doctor replies "The baby has ginger hair," "Well what is the good news then?" She asks. "It's dead" says the doctor. What's the difference between Sperm and Traffic Wardens? Sperm have a 1,000,000 to 1 chance of becoming a human being. Did you hear that Louise Woodward is set to be the new manager of the Spice girls? The first thing she is going to do is drop Baby Spice. What does an Eskimo keep his home together with? Iglue. What's the difference between a microwave and a gay man? Microwaves don't turn your meat brown. When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football. When middle management are together, they talk about tennis. Top management discusses golf. Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls. Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China. They decided to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names. Bu - called himself "Buck" Chu called himself "Chuck" ...and Fu had to go back to China. What's green, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A pool table. A mother was buying her daughter a pair of shoes and whilst trying them on, the daughter asks, "Why have they got L and R written on them?". Her mother replied, "So you know which feet to put them on." Her daughter then says, "Is that why I have C&A written on my knickers?". A man walks into a bar swinging a set of jumper leads above his head. The barman looks over and says "You're not going to start anything in here, mate!" A bloke walks into the newsagent and says "can I have the paper please?" The fellow behind the counter replies "Sure, you want todays or tomorrows" The bloke said "Ummm, I'll have tomorrows then thanks" The fellow replies "Well come back in the bloody morning." A guy walks into the drug store and asks for a packet of condoms. The pharmacist says, "That'll be $5.00 with the tax." "Tacks?", the guy exclaims, "I thought you rolled them on!" Why don't you see more mini skirts on San Franciscan women? Because the skirts don't hide their balls. What do a Nun and '7-UP' have in common? Never had it - Never will! How can you tell when you enter a gay church? Only half the congregation are on their knees. What kind of wood won't float? Natlie Wood. What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg? Hop in. What is the difference between true love and herpes? Herpes lasts forever. What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can't hear a vitamin. How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her. How do you know when the woman tending bar is ticked off at you? She leaves the string in the bloody mary. What is the difference between your job and your wife? After 20 years your job still sucks. Why is Cal-Tech like screwing a virgin. Because it is hard to get in, and nine months later, you wish you never came. Why do honeymoons only last 7 days? Because 7 days makes a whole week. Know why all the really beautiful women hang around the guys who are cruel, nasty and otherwise obnoxious? Because theres just no end to those pricks! If you're American when you enter the bathroom, and you're American when you leave the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom? European. What does a rooster and a prostitute have in common? Roosters calling: "cock-a-doodle-doo" Prostitute calling: "any-cock-will-do" How is the Wonder Bra like a cattle drive? They both head'em up and move'em out. Why don't girls like to date basketball players? You never know if they're going to dribble or shoot. What do the gynaecologist and the Pizza delivery man have in common? They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it. How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before you start eating. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the shit out of the dog. Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the undies. What's the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself. What is the definition of Confidence? When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!" What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker? Your last blow job. What will Postman Pat be called when he retires? Pat.
