Animal Jokes
There were two Parrots on a Perch, and one says to the other, "Can you smell fish?" How do you make a dog go miaow? Freeze it in Liquid Nitrogen and apply a chainsaw. How do you make a cat go woof? Cover it in petrol and set it alight. There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this?" Why do seagulls have wings? To beat the Gypsies to the rubbish tip. There's two flies on a bum, which is the drug addict? The one on the crack. What's got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog. A chinese man walks into a shop with a parrot on his shoulder, and the shopkeeper says, "Blimey, where did you get that?". And the parrot says, "China, there's loads of 'em there." A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?", "No," says the psychic. "Next term in her biology lesson." A big bear and little rabbit are taking a dump side by side in the woods. The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks. "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "no". So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit. A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream." A young lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and it's a real "smart-arse", with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperment. The woman says, "Thats fine, I know how to handle arseholes like that, I want the parrot anyhow". So the woman gets the bird home puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her skirt off the parrot says: "Awk... nice legs baby!". Well the the woman isn't gonna take this shit so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for 3 min. While the parrot's in the freezer, he becomes sure that this was the wrong thing to say, and makes a mental note about not saying that again. The next night, again the woman is getting ready for bed this time the parrot knows not to say any thing about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra... the parrot just can't resist any longer. He blurts out "Awk... great tits baby let's see ya shake 'um". The woman gets pissed-off and she decides that instead of 3 min in the freezer, she is going to keep the parrot in for 5 min. Well the parrot has lots of time to think this time, and remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger so that the adrenalin will allow him to continue to live. Finally the woman opens the freezer door take out the near frozen parrot and asks... "Well, have you learned your lesson?" The parrot still shivering and just able to speak says... "Awk... yeah yeah sure sure, but I just have one question..." The woman replies, "Yes?" and parrot says, "Awk... what did the turkey do, ask for a blow-job?". How does a Penguin find the weather at the Arctic? He just looks outside and there it is. A father polar bear and a baby polar bear were walking across the ice when the baby polar bear said to his dad "Dad, am I part panda bear?" "No", replied his dad. "Well then, am I part brown bear?" Again his dad said no. A short time later the baby bear asked again, "Dad, maybe I'm part koala bear?" The father getting annoyed said, "look son, I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear. Why on earth do you keep asking for?!" "Because," the baby bear said,"I'm bloody freezing!!". Why do Mice have small balls? Because not many of them can dance. What did one lesbian Frog say to another? "Wow, we really do taste like Chicken." A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?". The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, slightly peeved, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now piss off!" The rabbit hops off. The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers again and says "have you got any cabbages?" The butcher, completely pissed off now, snaps "No I haven't got any chuffin cabbages! If you come in here again asking for some cabbages I'm gonna nail your fuckin ears to the floor!" The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door. The next day the rabbit hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?" The butcher replys "no". The rabbit says "have you got any cabbages?" A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing" Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man. Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went. 15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede. As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?" "Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my fucking boots!!!" What is a Ratchet? Something a little bit bigger than a Mouse shit. How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side. What do you call a Fly without wings? A walk. What's the difference between a bull and a cow? The bull smiles when you milk it. A man with a frog on his head walks into the doctor's office. The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?" And the Frog replies, "Well doctor... it's this thing that's hanging from my arse." What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead woodchuck? You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork. How do you circumcise a whale? Four skin divers! Where do you find a no-legged dog? Wherever you left him. How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a liquidizer. What do you call bears with no ears? B. Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels. What did the elephant say to the naked man? It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it? How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, The hard part is getting them in the light bulb. What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common? They both involve sandy claws. What's the difference between a normal zoo and a Cajun zoo? In a normal zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name and Latin name.In a Cajun zoo, you have a plaque next to the cage, with the animal's common name, it's Latin name, and the recipe for how to cook it.
