Whataweekend
Eric Nielsen
Thursday
Flew from Virginia to Chicago to Dallas...uneventful
flights. Immediately stunned by gorgeous Texas women in the Dallas airport..."If
that girl was my daughter, I'd be in jail"...make a very long trip to the
Alamo rental car place just outside the airport, where we pick up our pricey
compact for the weekend...
Rental Agent: "Who do you work for?"
Jeff: "No one. Unemployed college graduate."
Rental Agent: "Where are you staying?"
Jeff: "Earth."
Rental Agent: "Do you have a phone number where
we'll be able to reach you?"
Jeff: "No."
Meanwhile I check my answering machine for directions
to the Metallisoccer game taking place that evening. No dice - man, I'm
gonna have a word with those Euro-trash losers. Head out, find a hotel
room for $24.95. Real nice...wallpaper peeling everywhere, huge bugs, sandpaper
for towels, mirrors all over the walls. Check answering machine again for
soccer directions, still nothing. (Later find out they called with directions
15 minutes later...) Give up on soccer match, head to local mall to kill
time. Pick up a birthday present for Jaymz, have it gift-wrapped. The giftwrap
girl doesn't understand us at all. That's ok, we're 5th year members dammit.
She gives us directions to the Dallas Hard Rock Cafe. About half an hour
later, we are driving lost in the projects...pull into a "Diamond Shamrock"...I
ask a big black guy working there where the Hard Rock Cafe is...all I get
in return is a mean look and "Man, I don't fuck around with white music..."
I beat a hasty retreat to the car and we eventually find it on our own.
Waitresses are terrible, food is good though. Several people ask if we're
with the crew. Score free stuff. Pay the bill, end up bumping into Chris
Barr from Toronto, who was on the contest bus a couple weeks ago...she
introduces us to her friends. Head back to hotel and crash early.
Friday
Get
up and head to Chick-Fil-A for breakfast/lunch at 10. Score lots of food
with cool coupons. Return to mall, kill time in the arcade...I still rule
all at Galaga. Head to venue at 12:30. Wander in and find the Swede, hook
Jeff up with a working pass. Set up Club booth, kill a couple hours in
catering with the Euro-trash boys. It is 108 degrees according to the thermometer...doesn't
feel that bad, though...no humidity...feels like about 90 degrees back
home... We don't watch the show that night, perhaps just because we're
comfortable where we are, watching all the chicks go by at the concession
stands...Jeff meets a porn star...friend of Ron Jeremy's...there's more
to tell, but let's keep this a PG-rated newsletter... Go to After-Show,
Jason shows up as usual...Jeff spends the whole time fantasizing about
a girl nearby...after a while she gets up and has Jason sign her chest...as
she comes by, we ask her to pose with the banner..."Sure...hang on a second
while I take off my shirt..." Tough life, isn't it...Hang out for a while
longer, snag some stashes of posters the record company left behind...
One of the truck drivers invites us to a stack of leftover pizzas in catering...we
make our way out with the Euro-trash just as the band's motorcade is leaving...
Drive about 3 hours towards San Antonio, grab a room in Austin and crash
around 5:30.
Saturday
Jeff and I are up and out of the room by 11:30 or
so. Hit our very first meal ever at Whataburger....whataripoff... Double
back to the hotel to hurry the Euro-trash along, and we're off towards
San Antonio. Nearly get in a wreck trying to find a bank for the Euro-trash
guys...gotta hit Subway for them too. We become proud first-year members
of the Sub Club... Arrive at the "venue" around 2...some venue...it's just
a big open field with a stage... Very hot and very dusty...no shade. Don't
ever take your kids to their swimming lessons in a Port-o-John when it's
105 degrees out, it sucks... Try to stay cool in catering, grab a forklift
to carry Club roadcase across the desert...steal a tent from nearby, and
we've finally got some shade to work with. According to the Big KOK, it's
Evil's night... Things are looking "UP" as 2 of the flyer girls Robert
has landed are F-I-N-E... I risk life and limb under the hot sun keeping
them entertained and stocked with plenty of drinks as they work...offer
them a place to stay that night if they don't want to drive all the way
back to Dallas right away... Almost time for Tallica to hit the stage so
we give them their passes and Jeff and I mill around to watch the show....quite
a different scene from all of the amphitheater shows...this one is just
like a Lollapalooza show, but a longer set... The boys go on very late,
about 9:30-9:45... Jeff has an urge to hit the mosh pit, so I hold onto
his stuff as he just totally drills some unsuspecting kid in the back...6
ft-4 in, 275 lbs hitting you at speed can't feel very nice...but he pays
the price as 4 other big guys nail him right back, leaving his clothes
in shambles and his knee gushing...that's enough moshing for one night...
show eventually ends, and we meet up with the two flyer chicks...find out
the band is doing a runner for some reason, so there will be no After-Show
for the first time on the tour...the flyer girls are disappointed but we
promise we will make it up to them with free stuff and passes on the next
tour...me and the Dutch trash escort them way out to their car, where there
is gridlock in the parking lot....we end up hanging for an hour or two
till traffic dies down...they head for Dallas, good thing they didn't stay
with us because we end up hitting every exit on the highway all the way
to Houston looking for a room...NO VACANCY...NO VACANCY...NO VACANCY...we
must have checked 30 stupid hotels...the Dutch Euro-trash is getting very
upset..."Are we on the moon or what?" "America sucks, the USA sucks..."
"I'm just stopping here and leeping in the car..." We finally find one
at 5:30 am on the outskirts of Houston sleeping in the car..." We finally
find one at 5:30 am on the outskirts of Houston and crash hard around 6
am.
Sunday
Stumble
out of bed around noon and head to the venue....very nice to be back in
an amphitheater with some shade...meet tons of chicks at this show...mmmm,
I wanna move to Texas now....we're definitely returning here next tour...
Go TULS-hunting during the show...find a couple of cute girls we had met
earlier in the day, give them passes... ...the last show of this leg winds
down, with no surprises in the setlist... Go to After-Show...2 twins and
their friends, all cute, try to get passes out of us, but we're bone-dry
by that point...sorry chickees... Head into the meet-n-greet with a couple
of local girls...meet more chicks there...Niclas is working it pretty hard
tonight, too....Jason eventually comes out and does his thing...we walk
the girls out to their car in BFE, where their boy friends are waiting
impatiently for them...they must have been pretty ticked when we took the
girls to the After-Show...oh well, we thought they were alone...the girls
thanked us profusely and invited us to visit again...Beth, will you marry
me? ...we head back into the venue where we raid the coolers in the empty
first-aid tent...after stocking up on plenty of drinks, we say our goodbyes
to the Euro-trash...great guys... Take a German guy to his hotel near the
airport, and me and Jeff crash at a Comfort Inn down the road..."of COURSE"...
We only get charged for a single room, but there are two beds in the room,
a nice surprise...crash around 3 am....
Monday
Rudely awoken at 7 am by the alarm clock...out to
Alamo at 8 am to return the car... catch a shuttle to the airport, and
make our 10:30 flight to Chicago...the flight is about half an hour late
though, so we miss our connection at O'Hare....as we make it to the gate,
the jetway is being pulled away from our plane...about 10 other people
are in the same boat, but they still won't let us board....Jeff feels like
going postal... we're informed we'll be placed on the next flight which
leaves in 4 hours. They give us a whopping $5 to eat lunch on....that doesn't
go very far towards feeding me and Jeff at airport prices...after 4 hours,
they announce our plane is late arriving... then they say the plane at
the adjacent gate is blocking our plane from being able to park...more
delays...our plane finally gets parked, only for the maintenance people
to find out the aircraft has a problem, and it can't be fixed.....now we
have to wait for a new airplane to arrive for us....of course they send
it to a gate at the other end of the concourse, where there is already
a plane parked waiting to go to Salt Lake City... ...we eventually get
on our replacement plane and taxi to the runway....where the pilot shuts
down the engines and says we can't take off because the sky is saturated
with other flights at the moment...after another 30 minutes, we finally
take off, 7 hours behind schedule...finally get home around midnight and
crash hard, dreaming of our weekend's flyer girls....
Cheers to the females we met on this trip, you're
the only reason we went: Danielle, Sarah, Beth (I could listen to your
voice for hours), Rose, Holly, Erin, Buffy, Misty, Kristie, Leeza, Lindsay,
Ashley, Kelley (?), Beth, Linda, Rebecca ("just plain young"), Jillian,
and of course our new Chapter Head from Dallas (you gotta let go of those
2 midgets sometime...)
Four Days In Texas
Jeff Holland
Eric and I had a long, wild, fun, crazy, and expensive
time in Texas. We got to meet some fellow maddies (Sam, Jon G., and others)
and other metclubers from different chapters (Mama Said International)
and other really cool people (Chris from Toronto). We got to see and talk
to the beautiful women of Texas (Rose, Beth, Becca, Buffy, Christine, Leeza,
Lyndsey, Ashley, and some others...). We got to hang out with our Euro-trash
friends (Robert, Gerben and Niclas). Oh yah, we got to see a band called
Metallica three times.
Some things I learned from this trip were:
-
Tuls spelled backwards is Slut.
-
It's hotter and more humid in Southeastern Virginia
than it is in Texas (except maybe for Houston).
-
Porno Stars and strippers kick ass!
-
Eric and I are moving to Texas someday.
-
Texas women are beautiful.
-
There are no hotel rooms available between San Antonio
and Houston.
-
United Airlines suck!
Some of the cool shit I did on the trip were:
-
Hangin out with Gerben, Robert and Niclas.
-
Meeting our new Co-Head (She's from Dallas) [This
is a joke you guys...]
-
Seeing Metallica three times in three days
-
Meeting Kirk's dad and little sister
-
Meeting and talking with other metclubers/maddies/etc
Top Ten Things Overheard in Texas
10. No Vacancy
9. Don't Mess With Texas
8. Are we on the fuckin moon, or what?
7. I hate old people!
6. Hang on...let me pull the other one out.
5. Q: Where are you staying?
A: Earth.
4. The brown headed turtle has just poked his head out.
3. Q: Who do you work for?
A: No one. I'm an unemployed college graduate.
2. Q: Where is the Hard Rock Cafe?
A: I don't fuck around with white music!
1. If that girl was my daughter, I'd be in jail.
Top Ten Things Overheard in Texas (Part 2)
10. Shut your big mouth, and don't open it until
I say you can!
9. I'm gonna go postal on somebody!
8. AA = American Asshole
7. She's gonna be one hell of a dancer,
someday.
6. Damn, my kids want to go swimming again.
That's three times in one day.
5. Speak English or die!
4. Are they gonna have Shasta on this flight?
3. Whataburger = What-a-rip-off
2. Call Tony Smith, and tell him to bring
the private jet.
1. I'm a 5th year SubClub member, damnit!
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