This is a page about Jolean.  I miss her.

I first met Jolean when she sat next to me during the first day of a botany lab class we both took. I was rather surprised she sat near me. In fact, being the idiot I am, I hardly knew how to act.  We went through the lab together not really talking all that much. The next day I had another lab in anatomy. I got to class late and took a seat in the row closet to the door since I didn't want to disturb the class. I sat across from another girl. At first, I didn't know Jolean was in this class with me too. She was sitting in another isle. The following week when Jolean entered the botany lab (which wasn't much of a botany lab), she looked at me, but foreshadowing later experience, she never came over to sit near me again in that class. The next day in anatomy, however, I took the same seat I had last class (in the row closet to the door) and the other girl took the same seat, and Jolean moved over by us (diagonally and across the table from me). For the rest of the semester we kept these seats. In fact, we became lab partners for the anatomy class. I don't think Jolean really knew how much I actually enjoyed working with her in that class.  Dissecting "Oskher" (a cat) and all those quizzes.  Toward the end of the semester, I worried that I wouldn't have any more classes with her.  So, I felt so lucky to find the following semester we were both taking a methods lab.  We wound up working together on various reports for the class.  I never looked forward to writing reports as much as I did for that class.  But, again being the rather shy, idiot that I am, I didn't talk as much as I should have.  Obviously, I didn't make much progress or learn much since in the botany lab.  Apparently, I was worried about doing anything wrong as I've always do.  So, as the weeks went by in the methods lab, it seemed to me that Jolean was increasingly unhappy with me.  Once when I approached her she practically ran away down some stairs with another girl she was with.  During the last week of classes, as I was walking with a laptop computer in my hands to my next class to give a final speech, Jolean basically said goodbye to me.  Her last statement to me, in fact, was, "Good luck with all your crap."  Instantly, my legs felt so weak.  I was afraid I would fall and damage a computer I couldn't afford to replace.  I was speechless as usual, but I managed to stand there.  And I watched as she walked away.  I wanted to say something to her.  I just...I'm just an idiot.  I decided I had to continue on so I went to my next class.  People there hated my speech with all my stuttering and "uhmms" and "ahhhs".  In fact, some people said they would have liked to come up and slap me during the speech, but I managed to get an A-.  I had memorized a lot of material, which I presented, and I guess everyone felt sorry for me looking so nervous up there.  I don't think anyone really knew why I seemed so upset, though I did see Jolean as she walked down that hall say something to the instructor who was to grade my speech.  Anyway, the following week, we graduated.  While in line waiting for the graduation ceremony to start I overheard her say as she described me, "He didn't communicate."  None of this would matter if I didn't think she had cared so much, but it seemed to me that she did.  It's so difficult to know that you have met the finest person in the world and the finest person you ever will meet in the world, and someone who cared; and, that person doesn't want to talk to you again.  So, if the finest person in the world can't stand me, I must be the worst.  I, of course, wouldn't try calling her anymore.  I'm sure she doesn't want to have to deal with all of my crap again, so I doubt she will ever contact me.  As we left the graduation ceremony, she walked up next to me.  I said some things someone suggested I tell her ( I had given my sad lament to someone who advised me a bit).  And though I believed those words I said to her, after having had a lot of time to dwell on it, I think I should have also said I was sorry she ever had to meet me or put up with me.  So, since you've found this page (which is rather difficult I would imagine), my advice is don't be an idiot like me and learn to communicate as early as you can so you too don't loose a friendship with Jolean.  I miss you, Jolean.

Sometimes I think about this wooden cube each of us received at our graduation ceremony.  On the wooden cube each of us received, we were to write down something we wished for or dreamed of.  I saw Jolean write a $ on one face, a heart on another, and a circular spiral on another.  I was too shy and idiotic to ask to see what she put on the other faces.  I dream about how if I won the lottery I could anonymously give her all kinds of money since I expect she wouldn't want anything else from me.  I doubt I'll ever have that kind of money to give her anyway, and if I ever do have the money I suppose it will be too late for her to really need it.  All my life I've wished I had money too, and I put the same dollar sign on one of the faces of my cube; but, on one of the faces of that cube, I wished to know Jolean and have her friendship throughout life.  That more than anything would have been the one wish I hoped had come true and actually seemed for awhile like a possibility.  I guess someone should write on my face, "Loser."