BOOZE QUOTES:

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the

morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk,

they're sober.

--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time

with his fools.

--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach

you to keep your mouth shut.

--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

--Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as

good as drink.

--G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying

himself a pleasure.

--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

--Anonymous

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to

thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my

lunch?

--W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

--Anonymous

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

--His reply

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

--Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

--Anonymous

When we drink, we get drunk.

When we get drunk, we fall asleep.

When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.

Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...

--Brian O'Rourke

Even More Famous Beer Quotes

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and
an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football
team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least
you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol
than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

Sir, you're drunk! --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;
Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober
and you will still be ugly. --His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have
given us stomachs. --David Daye

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking
beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep
Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history
of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was
also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly
as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few
drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it
from urine. --David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of
beer; they just like to pee alot. --Capital Brewery,
Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the
world. --Kaiser Welhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet
beer. --Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as
hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no
way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave
Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. --George
Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like
me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing
you with beer. --Homer Simpson

Horse Race

Calling the horse race. . .

THEY'RE OFF Conscience is left at the post. Silk Panties
and Jockey Shorts are off with a rush. Bare Belly is
beginning to show. Heavy Bosom with Clean Sheets at
the back. Douche Bag is completely lost.

AT THE RAIL It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open up a
hole and Big Dick is going in. Heavy Bosom is hard pressed.
Passionate Lady is coming strong and Conscience is completely
lost.

AT THE TURN It's Cherry between Big Dick and Passionate
Lady. Thighs working hard and Bare Belly is under terrific
pressure.

AT THE STRETCH Cherry cracks under the strain as Big
Dick goes in for the kill. Passionate Lady is doing
her best and Bare Belly is close up. Big Dick passed
Thighs by a full length and Passionate Lady is almost
overcome.

AT THE FINISH Big Dick rushes in, but Passionate Lady
takes all he has and it's a dead heat. Heavy Bosom folds,
Bare Belly is all lathered up at the finish. Thighs
pull up and Clean Sheets never had a chance while Conscience
wasn't even in the race from the start. Big Dick unexpectedly
gives a quick spurt and Passionate Lady kept coming.
Douche Bag came in last to clean up the track.

Lesson number one
------------------------
A crow was sitting on a tree doing nothing all day A
small rabbit saw the crow and asked him Can I also sit
like you and do nothing all day long
The crow answered Sure why not So the rabbit sat on
the ground below the crow and rested
All of a sudden a fox appeared jumped on the rabbit and ate it

Moral of the story is
To be sitting and doing nothing you must be sitting very very high up


Lesson number two
-----------------

A turkey was chatting with a bull
I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree
sighed the turkey but I haven't got the energy
Well why don't you nibble on some of my droppings
replied the bull They're packed with nutrients
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree
The next day after eating some more dung he reached the
second branch
Finally after a fortnight there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree Soon he was promptly spotted by a
farmer who shot the turkey out of the tree

Moral of the story
Bullshit might get you to the top but it won't keep you there

Lesson number three
-------------------

When the body was first made all the parts wanted to be Boss
The brain said I should be Boss because I control the
whole body's responses and functions
The feet said We should be Boss as we carry the brain
about and get him to where he wants to go
The hands said We should be the Boss because we do all
the work and earn all the money

And so it went on and on with the heart the lungs and the
eyes until finally the asshole spoke up All the parts
laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss So the
asshole went on strike blocked itself up and refused to
work

Within a short time the eyes became crossed the hands
clenched the feet twitched the heart and lungs began to
panic and the brain fevered
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the
Boss so the motion was passed All the other parts did all
the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit

Moral of the story
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do

Some cool friendship quotes:
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."
-Winnie the Pooh
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost." -Charles Caleb Colton
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my
friend." -Albert Camus.
"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen."
"Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life."
"Friendship is one mind in two bodies." -Mencius
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
"If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." -Stone Temple Pilots
"I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." -Dave Matthews Band
"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them"
"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."
"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere"
- Tim McGraw

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time
to
waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:

Dormitory = Dirty Room
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
And for the grand finale:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

It can be rearranged with no letters left over, and using each letter
only
once into:

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

And finally, an argument for Webster to add a new official word

FUCK

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English

language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just

by

its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck"

falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both

transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).

It

can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary

really

doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or

as a

noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also used as an adjective (Mary is

fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with

Mary).It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also

stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall

versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations,this

incredible word can be used to describe many situations.

1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"

2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."

3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"

4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."

5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"

6. Passive "Fuck me."

7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"

8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"

9. Despair "Fucked again..."

10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."

11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"

12. Lost "Where the fuck are we?"

13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"

14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"

15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."

16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."

17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"

18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"

19. Identification "Who the fuck are you?"

20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."

21. Directions "Fuck off."

22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

23. Philosophical "Who gives a fuck?"

24. Encouragement "Keep on fucking."

25. Agreement "You're fucking-ay right."

...and so on. It can be used in anatomical description- "He's a fucking

asshole."

It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."

It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"

It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."

It can be political- "Fuck Bill Clinton!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?"

Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"

General Custer

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"

Captain of the Titanic

"Thats not a real fucking gun."

John Lennon

"Who's gonna fucking find out?"

Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to fucking roll."

Anne Boleyn

"What fucking map?"

Mark Thatcher

"Any fucking idiot could understand that."

Albert Einstein

"It does so fucking look like her!"

Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?"

Pythagoras

"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"

Michaelangelo

"Fuck a duck."

Walt Disney

"Why?- Because its fucking there!"

Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"

Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers my ass."

Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."

John F. Kennedy

This Perfect Woman thing is a joke, so don't get bent out of shape!