In any case, here's our next little gem.. this one comes from our good friend Seiji, who, like Phil (let this be a warning to everyone out there) likes to write email while he's high.
"Um.... Okay.... I'm really stoned so, wow.... Ahhh.... Like I have this problem... Um..... My friends are dealing shit, and trying new shit, and I'm like making shit now... and.... dude.... Um when does it end man, I mean.... I don't even remember what my own face looks like anymore man... and then I like, see myself in the mirror, and I'm like dude, your kinda asian, man, and I'm like..... FUCK!!!!!... You killed my whole platoon back in Nam!!!! You, commie bastard.... And then I like punch the glass... and shit I'm painting my bathroom a new color of blood pretty soon man.... I'm tired of sucking cock for drugs and stealing from my best friends Jed n Phil man.... Oh shit, you are Jed n Phil..... Fuck guys I didn't take nothing I swear...... shit..... Man I need help dude.... Uhhhh.... please help me guys.... how do i break this evil yet "feeling so gooooood" cycle man..... Aiiieeee..... that commie's calling me again man.... were's my gun......."
Phil Sez:
"Chris... you've got till about the count of 1 to give me back that money you stole or I swear to god I'm gonna come over there and slit your throat... Oh shit, I can't even afford to take the bus and get to your house, let alone buy gas for my car. Thanks alot. I guess since I can't kill you I may as well try my hand at helping you and hope that after you get better you'll pay me back.. not that you will you welching cum dumpster.
Simple aversion therapy will cure your ills. First you need to get a really raunchy chick and start dating her. Then, whenever you get high, eat her out. Pretty soon you'll associate being high with being up to your ears in fishy pubes... and no high in the world is worth that. Also you'll have a girlfriend, which will end your loneliness problem that you didn't actually mention but we all know about since you're always whining when you're high, and word gets around.
Oh yeah, one last thing... you don't get that money to me within a week... I'm gonna call up your mom and tell her the reason your life is going so poorly is because you lack discipline, so she should double the rent. Your choice."
Jed Sez:
"It can be very difficult to kick an expensive drug habit. I suggest you stick to less expensive drugs, such as ritalin and brown sugar. While you're not stoned, spend your time sleeping, and repainting your bedroom. Following this advice will lead you down the path to a more healthy and productive lifestyle. Good luck to you!"
