Fraternizing with the
Right-hand Man
By: Mara
Disclaimer: This play and everything in it is MINE! Please ask
before borrowing.
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Characters:
Jo-anna (aka: Jo): A 23-year-old British woman, reddish hair, cyber-punk, Sophie’s best friend. About 5’9”, always wearing lots of spikes/studs and something black. Sardonic, satirical, and the like.
Sophia (aka: Sophie or Soph): Another 23-year-old woman, but American. Dark blonde hair, “normal” (normal is relative) looking, Jo-anna’s best friend, about 5’0”.
Tommy: A 20-something year old young man, American. He’s…fancy…and works at the café. Brown hair, preppy clothes, tall.
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Jo-anna
and Sophia are two woman who live in LA in two different apartments, and they regularly meet at a café that is roughly
center of the city. They also know a waiter there – Thomas – who gives them
free coffee and is an added asset to meeting there. Jo and Sophie are best friends
and have been since they were in high school, when Jo moved to LA from England.
Jo is a sardonic, satirical cyber-punk, Sophie is a rather normal looking,
southern-raised beauty, and Tommy is a tall, lanky man who is just too
feminine.
Scene One: Café patio outside. There are people bustling around and Tommy is the only waiter on duty. Jo and Sophie are seated at a table, with Jo in the middle seat (facing the audience) and Sophie in the left seat (on the audience right).
J: (voice trailing in) …So I said “That’s a load of bull” and that is when the cops arrested me.
S: (uncomfortable) …Never tell me that story again. EVER.
(Both laugh and then take sips
from the coffee mugs in front of them.)
J: (pauses) Sophie?
S:
Hmmm? (still drinking coffee)
J:
(seriously and calmly) I want to be a
man.
S:
(choking on her drink) WHAT?!
J:
(big grin) Oh, nothing. Just messing
with your head.
S:
(clutches heart in mock heart attack)
Don’t do that to me! Jez…
(silence)
S:
…So, Jo, why’d you really call me over here so early in the morning?
J:
It’s 9:30. It’s not early.
S:
Whatever. Spill it.
J:
(sighs) I’ve got troubles, Soph. Bloody
big troubles.
S:
That ain’t new. (chuckles)
J:
(scowls at Sophie) It’s different this
time!
S:
(serious) Oh. How so?
J:
I met this guy…
S:
That’s your troubles?!
J:
No! Let me finish!
S:
Alright, sorry…
(waiter – Thomas – stops at
table suddenly)
T:
Fill your coffee, ladies?
(same time) J: Not yet, Tommy. S:
No, thanks anyway Tommy.
T:
(nods and walks away, but still over-dramatically strains to hear their
conversation from whatever table he happens to be at)
S:
Anyways…
J:
So I met this guy…
S:
Yeah?
J:
And…I’ve done some bad things, Soph.
S:
You pregnant?
J:
No.
S:
He hit you?
J:
No!
S:
(laughs) Is he a drug lord who forced
you to help him smuggle drugs across the Mexican-American border?
J:
(has the “caught-red-handed” look and is silent)
S:
(shocked as she carefully sets her mug down on the table) You’ve got to be kidding me, Jo!
J:
I didn’t think you would guess so fast! (buries head in arms on table
top)
S:
(spazzing out) You’re dating a drug
lord!
J:
(muffled) Actually, he’s not a drug
lord.
S:
still spazzing out, also flailing slightly now) You two smuggled drugs!
J:
(still muffled) He’s not a drug lord.
S:
(loudly) Then what the hell is he?!
J:
(lifts head) Second in command.
S:
(leans back in chair, stunned) Oh my
stars, he’s the Diet Coke of the drug world!
J:
He’s not Diet Coke! (slams hand down on table and rises out of chair
some) He’s not a drug lord and I think I’m
falling in love with the bastard!
(Everyone around turns to stare
at them and Sophie remains silent, a little scared of Jo now, and is also
staring at her.)
T:
(apologizes to various people around them and takes the remaining seat
with the two ladies) Uh, girls? What’s going
on?
J:
(sighs and vainly tries to wave everyone’s attention away from her) Sorry, Thomas.
(Everyone reluctantly goes back to what they were doing.)
S:
Jo-anna is in love with a drug lord!
T:
(quieter now and leans over table towards Jo some) You love a drug lord?
J:
Oh, for the love of…He’s not a—(stops and angrily shakes head) Oh, whatever. And I don’t know that yet. I only think I
love him.
S:
(uncomfortable) So…who exactly is this
guy?
(Thomas ignores people who are asking to be served or waited on.)
J:
Simon. (takes a sip of coffee) And
actually… (fiddles with mug in her hands)
he lives in your apartment building, Sophie.
S:
(shocked into silence)
T:
(jaw drops) Oh my gawd…
J:
Relax. You both look like the doc said you have an hour left to live.
S:
(closes Thomas’ mouth and lowers her eyed, muttering:) Sorry…I never even knew…how could I have missed—
J:
Oh come on, Sophie! It’s not like he wears a nametag that says (becomes
very animated) “Hello! My Name is Simon! I
Distribute Narcotics!”
S:
Har-har. Very funny. (rolls eyes over dramatically)
J:
(slams head back down on table and Thomas tries to comfort her) What am I going to do?
T: (impatient sounding to other customers) Yeah, hold on! I’m busy! (turns attention back to Sophie and Jo and the situation at hand)
S:
Well, I kind of want to meet him, Jo…
T:
Yeah, me too.
(Sophie and Thomas exchange looks
and Jo raises her head. Sophie and Thomas smile knowingly at each other.)
T:
What do you say…
(One mind with Sophie!)
S:
…to a double date?
(Told you! J)
J:
Tommy, dear, you’re gay.
T:
So?! (gasps) I mean—who told you?!
J:
(rolls her eyes) And you, Sophie, are
one can short of a six-pack. You two would make asses of yourselves in front of
whole bloody place and not to mention in front of Simon and I! No way am I ever
going to agree to this!
(Thus ends scene one.)
Scene Two: Same café patio outside, but a couple days later. Not so busy this time, and Tommy is not working. Jo, Sophie, and Tommy are seated at the same table, with Jo in the middle seat (facing the audience) and Sophie in the left seat (on the audience’s right) and Tommy in the right seat (on the audience’s left). Tommy is in normal clothes this time, as he is not working.
(All seated around the table,
Tommy is trying to comfort Jo and Sophie is timidly sipping coffee, every once
in a while stealing looks at Jo. All three have coffee mugs.)
J:
I can’t believe I ever agreed to that… (groans and buries face in hands) Disastrous! (muttering softly and insanely to
herself) No survivors…total fatality…I’m
doomed…doomed…
T:
Cheer up, Jo-Jo. It’s not like he dumped you or anything. He still likes you.
J:
(flails) SO?! And don’t call me Jo-Jo.
Jo-Jo is a pet monkey’s name. (crosses arms and pouts)
(Tommy one-handed rubs Jo’s back, and Sophie looks like she’s trying not to be noticed by Jo, being she’s slightly scared of Jo at the moment.)
J:
(still trying not to look sad, she tries to inconspicuously watch
Sophie. After a while a silence, save for Tommy’s mother hen-like cooing:) What are you doing, Sophie?
S:
(quietly, and without eye contact)
Nothing.
J:
(suddenly angry) Nothing?! It’s all your
fault! Don’t you have anything to say to me?!
S:
(shrinks down in seat and is quiet) Sorry?
J:
You’re goddamn right you’re sorry. Bloody hell, Soph, you announced to the
entire goddamn restaurant that Simon was, and I quote, “The Jesus of the drug
community”!
T:
We told you Joey, it was an accident! And, in all fairness, we did apologize.
J:
(shakes head incredulously) How do
“accidentally” say something like that?! And Joey is a boy’s name, don’t call
me that either.
T:
Sorry…(for the first time he looks hurt: i.e.-puppy eyes and that whole
bit)
J:
(sighs and ignores Tommy) I mean, come on.
Not only did you, Sophie, announced it out loud, but after doing so, you,
Tommy, asked what he (makes air quotes)
“specialized” in – heroin, ecstasy, or crack. (laughs sardonically) My god, you two, what the hell? (looks at
Sophie and Tommy each in turn, who both remain silent) So, please, regale me once more with the story as to how this all
happened exactly. (narrows eyes) Maybe
this time I’ll see this all from your twisted points of view.
S:
(exchanges looks with Tommy) I’ll start…
(deep breathe) Okay, so you were
talking—
T:
(blatantly interrupts) –With that
gorgeous Italian, Romero! (swoons) Who
just happened to be there!
S:
(pokes Tommy in the side) Shut up. But
yes, you were talking to Romero. So, Tommy and I were bored and I decided we
should discuss Simon and Romero’s, um, best features…
J:
You mean you two had an arse comparison?
S:
No…not really…well, maybe a little…yes…
T:
And somehow we got onto the topic of the fact that I thought Romero probably
has a more fulfilling lifestyle then Simon.
S:
(quickly adds in:) And by fulfilling, we
meant morally and legally fulfilling.
T:
Yes, and while discussing this, Simon came back from the men’s room.
J:
Right when Sophie blurts out, “Romero isn’t the Jesus of the drug community,
like Simon”?
S:
(nervous laugh) Yeah, exactly then…
J:
And then you, Tommy…
T:
(adverts eyes from Jo) I know, I know…asking
what his drug specialty is was not a good tension breaker.
J:
(rolls her eyes) Your deduction seems to
be correct, dear Watson.
T:
(bounces in seat like a happy little kid)
Thank you, Holmes! (quickly shuts up at a glare from Jo) Sorry, Anna…
J
& S: Anna?
T:
Sorry! I’m still trying out nicknames for Jo-anna!
J:
What’s wrong with Jo?!
T:
It’s just too manly for you, honey… (reaches out to pet Jo’s hair)
J:
(bats his hand away) Don’t touch me,
eerie queerie…
T:
(sits back in his seat and pouts)
J:
(sighs) The point is, you two almost
cost me a meaningful relationship.
S:
We said we were sorry.
J:
I'm sure…
T:
(still pouty) But we really are!
S:
And as Tommy said, Simon didn't dump you. He must like you!
J:
(flails) Barely! My god, your idiocy
hurts…I'll be back…(gets up)
T:
What? Where are you going?!
J:
The little girl's room, you limp-wristed twit. (walks off stage)
S:
(tries to hide her giggles)
T:
(angry) That wasn't funny! I'm not a
twit! …whatever that is…
S:
Limp-wristed?
T:
I have Fifth Amendment rights.
(Both sit in silence for a
moment.)
S:
Simon was cute, wasn't he? (grin)
T:
(giggles) Gawd, yes! I always thought
drug lords were grizzled, old, mean men. But he was only, like 30!
S:
Yeah! Certainly older then Jo, but wow! His hair was gorgeous!
T:
Well, duh. Natural redheads are always cute.
S:
(looks dreamy-eyed, staring at nothing, and she and Tommy clasps hands
on the tabletop) And his eyes…
T
& S: The perfect shade of violet.
S:
Contacts.
T:
I bet they're really blue.
S:
Yeah…
T:
His body is nice, too.
S:
Not too skinny.
T:
But not Mr. Steroid-popper either.
S:
I think Jo found her perfect man.
T:
Except he's a criminal.
S:
Too bad, to…a man like Simon will never settle down for her. He'll always be on
the alert, always on the run and lying low, trying not to be caught and busted
on the transaction.
T:
(tsks) It's too bad. He's good breeding
stock.
S:
(disgusted look and lets go of Tommy's hands) Ew.
T:
What?
S:
You've thought about 'breeding' with him!
T:
No, I haven't.
(Jo returns and stays standing
behind her seat.)
J:
Guys, I have to be to work in less then 30 minutes.
S:
(stands too) Alright, well, we'll meet
here tomorrow?
T:
(also stands) I'll be here.
J:
Working?
T:
No. I was fired from here.
S:
Fired?!
T:
Yeah. My manager said I talked to the customers more then I served them.
J:
Bloody hell, no more free coffee?!
T:
No, I can still get us free coffee.
J:
How so?
T:
Manager thinks I'm adorable or something. (shrugs) I don't know…
(All exit and thus ends scene two.)
Scene Three: Same café patio outside, but the next day. Fairly normal activity around. Jo is all alone at their table, in the middle seat facing the audience, and is working intently on the laptop computer in front of her.)
J: (muttering) Black five on red six…oh, damn. I hate solitaire…
(Sophie and Tommy enter,
finishing a conversation.)
T: …so, that's when I told him a jackhammer can be the perfect substitute. (sits on Jo's right/audience left)
S:
(sits on Jo's left/audience right) Gez,
why do you two always have such disgusting stories? Never tell me that one ever
again. (tries to catch a peek at Jo's screen) Whatcha doing?
J:
Solitaire. (hands empty coffee mug to Tommy who gets up disgruntledly to
refill it)
S:
(laughs) Sounds fun… (pokes at a
computer cord) But…
J:
I know. (never looks up from computer screen) Tommy's ex-manager was nice enough to link me to his internet here for
a bit…
T:
(returns) Here. (gives
Jo her coffee) And here. (gives Sophie her coffee and sits down with
his)
J:
(nods a thank you)
S:
Thanks Tommy. (sips) So, what’s it for?
T:
What’s what for?
J:
Internet link.
T:
There’s internet here?
S:
Apparently.
T:
Oh. Why the link-up then?
S:
I just asked that.
T:
Sorry…
J:
Hacking Simon’s bank account.
S
& T: (laugh for a minute,
then stop when they realize Jo was deadly serious) WHY?! (remember:
One mind!)
J:
Simon’s in trouble.
S:
This is surprising how?
T: (confused) “Hacking”?
S:
She’s illegally breaking into Simon’s bank account. Hacking it.
T:
Oh my gawd! Why?! …can that really be done?
J:
Of course it can, silly. Come take a look.
(Sophie and Tommy get up and lean over Jo, who’s typing something on
the keyboard for a moment. Throws up hands when done and smiles.)
J:
There! (reads off of screen as
she points to it) “Simon Sparr, account
number 1842631111. 5 million, 526 thousand, 222 dollars and 15 cents.”
S:
Hmmm. Only 5 and a half million?
J:
(looks up at) Only?
T:
He’s a drug lord. Shouldn’t he have more?
S:
Yeah!
J:
(sigh) Of course he has more, you lack-wits. But not in one
account.
S:
How much has he got? I mean, all together?
J:
Oh, uh…(distracted with typing
again) …um…something like…um…27
million…about that, I think…
S:
(looks like she’s going to
faint)
T:
(not shocked at all) That’s all?
S:
(stares at in awe) Tommy, you aren’t serious?
J:
(whole time, stares at screen
looking highly amused by Tommy and Sophie’s actions)
T:
Well, logically, I think he should be a billionaire, not a 27 millionaire.
J:
Well, that’s what he bloody is.
T:
Come on, he’s got more. Spill it.
J:
No, really, that’s it. He told me roughly 27 million dollars.
S:
Wait, he actually told you how much he had?
How long have you known him?!
J:
Yes, of course he told me, and it was about a month ago, probably less than
that. (angrily types on
keyboard)
T:
So, how exactly did you two meet? At a
bake sale? A Star Wars convention? (snickers and rests head on hand-elbow on table-looking
interested as his sips coffee)
J:
(closes lap top) Actually, we first time I met him was on the Mexican
drug smuggle.
S:
(nods and picks up cup with
both hands, elbows on table, but doesn’t actually drink it) Ah, yes, the one I so accurately guessed a while
ago, eh?
J:
Precisely. (animated hands when
talking) So, it started like this. (Tommy and Sophie lean in) You two remember my heroin addiction, right?
T:
No.
S:
Yes, (angry) the one I thought you’d quit after your dealer was
arrested…
J:
Oh, I have quit. But I owed my dealer a
favor not for turning me in when he got busted. So, he called me up and asked me to run drugs across the
Mexican-American border with his boss, aka Simon. So, I got there, and I ended
up having to be the driver, with Simon as the passenger, and some stinking
Mexicans in the back with the coke and heroin-thankfully out of sight. They really did smell. I mean, the water
there can’t be that bad as to not keep them clean…
T:
(clears throat) ANY-WAYS…
J:
Yes, yes, of course. So, the whole
drive back to LA, Simon and I talked, and eventually he asked me out on a date,
to which I said yes. He seemed charming
enough, not to mention well educated, and not at all into the merchandise he
was selling…(pauses and smiles)
And he has a nice ass.
T:
(nods energetically)…Wait, you did something illegal!
S:
(pointedly ignores) So, it doesn’t both you to know that this man you’re
falling in love with is a hard-core, (shrugs) yet handsome, criminal-
who, at any time, mind you, could be caught by the police?
J:
(grin) Yes, but I believe the saying “love conquers all”?
T:
(baby-talk tone of voice) Aw, somebody’s gonna try and change their man?
J:
(sly/evil smile) Maybe…
S:
(confused) I’m lost.
What are you two talking about?
T:
Oh, you know! You’re a girl.
S:
So?! (getting louder) Just because I-
J:
Calm yourself. He just means that what I meant by “love conquers all” is that
someday I’ll convince him that he doesn’t need to be an assistant drug lord.
S:
(disappointed by the unamusing
answer) Oh…
T:
(looks at watch) Well, girls, I’m off. I have a job interview at Strobe.
J:
(slams hand down on table) STROBE?!
T:
(timid) Yes…
J:
(loudly and excited) The coolest rave in the whole bloody city?!
T:
I-I guess so. (uneasy)
S:
(thinks for a moment)…does that mean you can get us in for free?
T:
(sighs and shakes head) You two are such mooches… (walks off stage)
(Sophie and Jo sit in silence for a moment. Jo has re-opened the laptop and returns to hacking. Her cell phone soon rings.)
J:
(answers) Hello? … Hello, dear- (covers mouth piece and lowers voice) It’s Simon!
S:
(tries to listen with Jo)
J:
Yes, love, I’m at the café with Sophie.
Tommy just left…yes, the gay one…yes, the one who hit on you…(agitated) yes, yes, get to the point, Simon…(suddenly turns serious, sullen)
Oh…well, I can be home in five minutes if you want to meet me there…alright…I
love you too. Bye. (hangs up)
S:
What did he say? Is something wrong? I couldn’t hear! What’s up, Jo?
J:
(packs up stuff) I’ve go to go, Soph. I promise I’ll call you later. (leaves in a rush/exits stage)
S:
(sighs) Why does my life suddenly seems so boring? (gets up and leaves/exits stage)
(End of scene three.)
Scene Three:
Same café patio outside, two days later. Sophie and Tommy already there, in
usual seats, and they both are sad looking. Coffee cups full and untouched.)
S:
(sad tone) I can’t believe she’s running off
with him.
T:
(sulky, resting chin on one hand on table)
I can’t believe they eloped yesterday!
S:
I can’t believe he gave up his (makes air quotes) “job”.
T:
And bought themselves a mansion in Germany.
S:
What if we never get to see Jo again?
T:
(makes a disgusted face) What if they
have kids?
S:
(laughs) Oh no! Little drug lord Joes
running around? That would be scary!
(Jo enters suddenly behind
Sophie and flicks her in the back of the head.)
S: (jumps and rubs her head in annoyance)
J:
(laughs) Scary, eh? You wait and see! (takes
her place in the middle seat)
T:
(claps her right hand in his hands) So,
this is it, huh? You’re really going to leave us here in the States?
J:
(nods sadly) I am. I decided I love this
man. (sighs) But I know where you both
are coming from. I wish I could stay, too…
S:
(takes Jo’s other hand) You’re my best
friend, Jo-anna Jane Johnson.
J:
Sparr. It’s Sparr now, remember?
S:
(laughs) You’re my best friend, Jo-anna
Jane Sparr.
J:
And you’re my best friend, Sophia Theresa Karson.
T:
(confused) What’s with the full name
thing, girls?
S
& J: (look at each other and smile, then laugh, for only they for
sure know)
T: (lets go of Jo and pouts…again…)
J:
(sits back in her seat) Thus ends the
adventures of the Three Musketeers.
S:
Dibs on Athos!
J:
Dibs on Porthos!
S
& J: (look to Tommy)
T:
(takes a moment before noticing that Sophie and Jo are staring at him
intently) …I’m not following you two psychos!
J:
We called dibs on ours, so you’re left with dibs to Aramis.
T:
…(confused) Okay?
J:
(frustrated) Oh, never mind…(sad
again) But I have to get going now.
S:
Well, look on the bright side, Jo. At least there are a lot of punks in
Germany. You shouldn’t feel out of place.
J:
(smiles and nods) And I promise you both
that I’ll come back and visit.
T:
Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of have Simon pay from some plane
tickets so we can come visit you.
S:
(astonished) Tommy!
J:
I just might. (smile) So…who’s driving
me to the airport?
T
& S: (same time) I will.
J:
How about you both drive me? (gets up and picks up the bag she has
wither, then pauses) Guys...thanks. For
everything.
S:
(sullenly nods)
T:
(hugs Jo)
(All exit stage in same direction and thus ends our final scene, scene four.)
THE END.