THE DEFINITIVE FINAL EXAM
JUNE 2002
Compiled and Written by Jedi
Freac
Mathematics:
1. Demonstrate
the real-life equivalent of √-1
2. Define division by zero, and its effects upon
all areas of mathematics. The less effects produced by
your definition, the better your grade.
3. Calculate ∏ to two million decimal
places and, by using this result, calculate the volume of the galaxy to
1,999,999 decimal places.
Literature:
1. In five
minutes, summarize Ovid's The Metamorphosis and its impact upon Western
culture, in as much detail as possible. Take the works of Homer and Vigil into
account.
English:
1. Write a
two-page, single-spaced essay on the origin of swear
words and swearing. Include grammatical and phonetical
reasons for their creation and proliferation.
2. Create an
unabridged dictionary of all slang, era-specific and dialect-specific English
terms, translating them to modern English, Greek, Latin, and Pig Latin (if
applicable).
3. Compose an epic poem based on the events of
you own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S.
Eliot, Keats, Chauler, Dante, Norse Mythology, and
the Marx Brothers. Critique your poem with a full
discussion of its merits. What could have been added/changed
to make it perfect?
Social Studies:
1. Create an
argument about which leader, Marx, Lenin, or Mao, was responsible for the
proliferation of Socialism/Communism/Atheism. Then create rebuttals for all of
your major points, from the opposite point of view.
2. Rewrite the
American Declaration of Independence, the Emancipation Proclamation, and the
United States Constitution (with all revisions) using the basic principles of Naziism, Communism, Socialism and the Fascist system of
government, as well as Political Correctness.
3. Analyze the
economies of
4.
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day,
concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
economic, religious and philosophical impact on
5. Based on your knowledge of their works,
evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed
frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II,
Gregory of Nicia, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each
man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
6.
Predict the sociological problems which might accompany the end
of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Foreign
Language:
1.
Translate the Bible backwards in Zulu or Bushman language on twenty
audiocassettes. Take political correctness and historical accuracy into
account.
Engineering:
1.
Redesign and
rebuild the original Wright Flyer airplane using modern day materials. Justify
your redesign.
2. Redesign and
rebuild Charles Babbage's Analytical Engine computer using the principles of
modern quantum computing and mechanics.
Physics:
1. Define energy–not
a specific type of energy, but just energy.
2. Explain the nature of matter. Include in your
answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on
science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiations on global
pollution and on the love life
(or lack thereof) of teaching assistants.
3. Define the
universe in detail. List three examples.
Biology:
1. Create a
form, basing it on sodium rather than carbon.
Chemistry:
1. Find a stable
super heavy element which is at least 500 atomic weight.
2. Create poisonous gas. Test on a younger sibling. Then create antidote and test again.
Economics:
1. Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the
national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas:
Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory
of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out the deficiencies
in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Philosophy:
1. If a tree
falls in the forest, do other trees hear it?
2. Define the
starting point of time.
3. What is the meaning of life? Summarize in one word. (Collin)
4. Why?
Logic:
1. Using accepted methodology, prove all four of
the following: That the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there
is no little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close
the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the
above. Be specific. Show all work.
Physical Education:
1. The
disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You
will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a
hungry tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you consider
appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
2. Choreograph a 45 minute dance sequence to
any song of your choice by Simon and Garfunkel. Include elements of the salsa, flamenco,
hula, and the Irish gig. You have 30
minutes.
Music:
1. Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and
perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Medicine:
1. Your proctor
will infect you with a virulent and dangerous strain of anthrax. Using a
cigarette butt, two shock pads, and a jar of honey, find a cure for yourself.
a. Now, infect
your proctor with the same strain of anthrax, and cure him using the cigarette
butt, two shock pads and jar of honey.
b. Having proven
that your cure works, find a way to get it past the FDA before marketing it.
2. You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work
has been inspected. Comparative Religions:
1. Describe the
history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove
which is best in a manner that will convince all other religions.
Theology:
1. Create a
handbook of methods for every prayer used by every major religious group in the
world.
Public Speaking:
1.
2, 500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them.
You may use and ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Psychology:
1.
Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought,
successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make
appropriate personality evaluations and changes, bill yourself outrageously,
and fill out all appropriate medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the
person on your immediate left.
Political Science:
1.
You will find a pair of bunny slippers and a shower cap under your seat. Using these intimidating items, storm the
district office, tar and feather the big kahunas and
demand a pay raise for teachers.
2. Using the red phone on your desk, start World
War III. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political
effects, if any.
3. Hijack a plane using only box cutters. Fly that plane past patrol
squadrons of the most heavily armed nation in the world, and ram that
plane into the most visible symbol of that nation's economy. (Mike)
General Knowledge:
1. Describe in detail. Be general and specific.