I have had very little experience with this whole lovey-dovy thing.  However, I have watched a bunch of other people.  I would like to believe this gives me an unbiased view of the situation, so here are some very obvious words of wisdom, despite their shallow implications.—Minna

Special thanks to Carmelle Tsai and Daniel Lu for contributing to this article.

 

teen dating 101:

 

  1. Never date a guy who is mean to you, or has been mean to you

 

  1. Never date a guy if you don’t see his face on at least a weekly basis

 

  1. Never date a guy who is mean to other people

 

  1. Never date a guy with bad grades—his grades should be more important than you are.

 

  1. Never date a player

 

  1. Never date a guy who constantly insults himself

 

  1. Never date a guy who constantly praises himself

 

  1. Never date an alleged pimp

 

  1. Never give up conquest, give up on individuals

 

  1. Never let a rejection bring you down, just move on to the next lucky target (boy do I feel like a ditz)

 

  1. Never let this whole relationships thing bring you down to the point where you feel like poo

 

  1. Never go out with someone you cannot 110% trust

 

  1. Don’t like a guy if more than 3 other people also like him.  It will only end in pain.

 

  1. Don’t like a lot of guys at once.  It will only end in pain.

 

  1. Don’t like a guy who backstabs.  If he backstabs others, what will keep him from backstabbing you?

 

  1. Don’t date a guy who conforms too easily with his group.  He might have five hands up his ass, and those hands might hate you or want to sleep with you—bad idea either way

 

  1. Don’t date a cynic, or an idealist—date a realist who doesn’t flaunt his realist leanings.

 

  1. Don’t be overly negative or critical about everything.

 

  1. Don’t start every sentences with the word “I” followed by a verb.

 

  1. Don’t act stuck up.

 

  1. Don’t talk bad about other people to your date.

 

  1. Don’t freak out if your date is late…

 

  1. Don’t date a horny bastard.

 

  1. Don’t obsess over your crush.  Willpower, girlpower—make them synonymous.

 

  1. Don’t date a friend of a friend of a friend—either you know him or you don’t.

 

  1. Don’t go on a diet if your crush disses your weight, instead, slap him.

 

  1. Then again, if your crush insults your weight, consider a getting a new crush.

 

  1. Don’t go out with a overly depressed guy—instead try to help him or find someone who can.

 

  1. Don’t date a guy on drugs—instead try to help him get off them or find someone who can.  Likewise, don’t date a guy for drugs.

 

  1. Don’t go out with a guy for the sake of having someone to go out with.

 

  1. Don’t go out with a guy to insure you have a prom date.

 

  1. Don’t go out with a guy for sex.  That probably makes you a whore.

 

  1. Don’t go out with a guy who is extremely jealous and possessive.

 

  1. Don’t date a guy so he will introduce you to his extremely hot best friend.  If they’re really best friends, it won’t work.

 

  1. Don’t talk endlessly about your wonderful boyfriend and nothing else.  It gets kind of repetitive.

 

  1. Don’t force friends to accompany you on dates if they really just don’t want too.

 

  1. Don’t be overly needy and refuse to go anywhere without him.  Just because you need him 24/7 doesn’t mean he needs you 24/7, too.

 

  1. Don’t lie.

 

  1. Don't flirt with someone if you already have a boyfriend.  If you're going to do it anyway, at least be smart and don't do it in front of him.

 

  1. Don’t cheat on your boyfriend.  If you hate him that much, then save yourself some trouble and just dump him.

 

  1. Don’t flirt with people you would never consider going out with.  That creates stalkers.

 

  1. Don’t stalk.  It’s scary.

 

  1. Don’t go out with him to piss off your parents.

 

  1. Make his parents like you and make your parents like him in a completely honest fashion.

 

  1. Don’t make excuses for him if he screws up.

 

  1. Don’t juggle three dates with three different guys in one night.

 

  1. Don’t try to piss him off to get attention.

 

  1. Don’t slap him if you know he will slap you back…

 

  1. Don’t let him force you to do anything you don’t want to do.  Don’t force him to do anything, either.

 

  1. Go to his football games if he goes to your art shows—as long as he doesn’t complain about your interests, respect his.  Divide time equally.

 

  1. Do go out with a “nice guy” instead of a “bad boy” if given the choice.  It’s supposed to pay off in the long run or something.  (I feel patronizing.  Oh well)

 

  1. Do go out with someone you can be best friends with.

 

  1. Do go out with someone who is of your own sexual preference.

 

  1. Do let them pay once in a while, pay the other half of the time.

 

  1. Please, please don’t make out in an extremely public area, especially when the person behind you at the cinema is trying to watch a movie.  And be quiet about it if you absolutely have to.

 

  1. Please don’t stand in the middle of the school quad with his hands down your pants.

 

  1. If he doesn’t know your name, he’s not being cute.  I’m sorry, he really doesn’t know your name.

 

  1. Don’t tell people who you like unless you want it to go totally public.

 

  1. After it’s gone public, don’t act like you’re embarrassed to like him, it makes him feel like poo.

 

  1. Don’t reject someone and tell him you still want to be friends, unless you actually mean it.

 

  1. A person who has been rejected my take desperate measures.  Don’t fall for them.

 

  1. If he is looking for a girlfriend online or in the personals, it implies he is incapable of getting people to like him in person…

 

  1. Be careful when you date someone online.  He might not be exactly what you were hoping for.

 

  1. Make sure someone knows where you are on a date at all times, so if he ties you up and throws you into his car trunk and drives away, the police will know where to start looking.

 

  1. If he does this, what the hell were you thinking dating him in the first place?

 

  1. If your parents don’t know you’re dating, at least make sure they know who he is.

 

  1. When it comes to what you wear—the more skin you reveal, the more skin he’ll expect from you.

 

  1. If you go out with someone who you constantly fight with, you’ll probably continue to constantly fight.  This is not Hollywood.

 

  1. What sounds good in a movie or in a novel rarely sounds good in real life

 

  1. When he unconvincingly compliments you about your “soulful brown eyes”, he probably wants something, especially if your eyes are actually blue.

 

  1. If you are dating him for money, you’re really greedy

 

  1. If you’re dating him to enhance your social status, you’re really shallow

 

  1. If he blows you off, forgive him as long as it doesn’t become a habit

 

  1. If he blows up on you, forgive him as long as it doesn’t become a habit

 

  1. If you know he is using you, get rid of him.

 

  1. If he constantly tells you how to act and how to dress, he could be a control freak.

 

  1. If he makes mean jokes about you in front of his friends, he’s such an asshole.

 

  1. If he calls your opinions stupid, he’s probably an asshole.

 

  1. You are not fat or stupid, no matter what he says.

 

  1. He should love you no matter what you look like.

 

  1. Get out of an abusive relationship before it’s too late.

 

  1. Be yourself, not what he wants you to be.

 

  1. If he really loves you, he’ll wait until the honeymoon

 

  1. If he’s going to fast, tell him to slow down.  If he doesn’t, kick him in the balls and get a new guy.

 

  1. According to the FBI, every 15 seconds a woman is beaten in the United States.  Don’t become a statistic.

 

  1. If you really love him and the best thing for him is to let him go, by all means let him go.

 

  1. I don’t care how special you are, you can’t force someone to love you.

 

  1. If a friend says he’s bad, disregard the comment.  If another friend says he’s bad, start to suspect.  If a third friend says he’s bad, and your three friends never discussed this with each other, it’s probably true.

 

  1. I’m sorry.  If he’s bad, you won’t change him.

 

  1. I’m sorry.  If you are in love after one week, you probably aren’t.

 

  1. If it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be.

 

  1. The two of you are not the only people in the world.

 

  1. If you manage to find a great guy, try to stick with him!  Don’t dump him for the next Casanova you cross paths with.

 

  1. Watch how he acts with little kiddies and animals.  It’s a good read on his character.

 

  1. If he can make the most boring situation fun, he is absolutely stellar.

 

  1. Do not compromise your values or your identity for “love”.

 

  1. Love hurts.

 

  1. You will meet a lot of guys in your lifetime, so chances are “the one” is out there.

 

  1. Romeo and Juliet is a play about two teenagers who kill each other.  Killing yourself for love isn’t romantic, it’s kind of stupid.

 

  1. Follow your own advice, hypocrites are bad.

 

  1. If you can’t follow all of this corny advice, don’t worry, you’re only human.
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