Chapter 16: Godric's Hollow

The earth had grown rich here over the last forty-four years. Long since abandoned after that terrible night, and hidden from the prying eyes of the wizarding world by spells that Dumbledore himself had woven all around here all those many years ago, the grounds here had thrived and flourished in the years hence. The house had survived as well, still standing tall and proud, if only weathered by the elements and a little duller in color, as would be expected. Wild grass and flowers had emerged over time, surrounding it like faerie rings protecting a treasure, breaking through the dense, fertile soil that smelled of summer rain.

It was, Harry realized, a perfect living metaphor: a reminder that life had indeed found a way to triumph here after all, despite the brutal deaths that had once marred this sacred ground.

Harry raised his eyes to the heavens, shielding his eyes from the emerging sun as it smeared color across the sky once more, blue and blinding white chasing gray away into oblivion. The air was still thick with the lingering mist that hung low even after the clouds had long broken apart and ceased their downpour, and it felt heavy in his lungs when he took it in. Or perhaps the air felt heavy, only because of the weight he carried within him. It was the weight of the entire wizarding world, the weight of the many memories this place held.

Godric�s Hollow was the last place on earth he had ever wanted to come back to again, and yet it was the one place he knew he had needed to see at least one more time. Only this time, it would be through the eyes of the adult he�d become, the one who had lived a lifetime that had been both scarred by the events that had taken place here, and impossibly blessed by what had come since.

It had all started here. The blessing and the curse. The privilege and the burden. And Harry knew full well that if he had any hope at all of making sense of the hell his life had become in the last few days , he would need to sort it all out here.

The mist was already beginning to lift, the air thinning at last. Absently, he kicked at the ground, unhinging a patch of wet grass, then jabbed at it with the toe of his boot.

After a long time, he released a heavy sigh, then muttered, �Happy Birthday, Harry...�

Oddly enough he felt the urge to laugh, whether from the irony of the whole damn thing, or just the sheer cruelty of it all. Whichever it was, he supposed it didn�t quite matter. But this certainly was the furthest thing from how he had imagined he�d be spending his birthday.

�I hope you made a wish.�

He choked on his own gasp, jerking his head his head upwards in surprise.

�Sirius...�

The older man�s eyes twinkled with a smile that was camouflaged by his graying beard. It wasn�t nearly as matted and long and tangled as it once had been all those years ago when he was on the run (indeed he looked positively distinguished these days, something Sirius himself found amusing), yet it covered enough to conceal his true facial expressions most of the time. Only his eyes, which had always carried with them so much expression, gave everything away.

Harry eyed him carefully as he came up the walkway, walking at such a slow pace that Harry guessed he was probably taking his time on purpose, as if to give Harry time to adjust to his presence. Did he think Harry would have kept him at arm�s length? Harry supposed he couldn�t blame Sirius at all for thinking so; he�d been so guarded with everyone in his life lately that at times he wondered whether it�d be only a matter of time before he�d push them away for good.

�I�m a bit too old to be making wishes, don�t you think?�

Sirius made an indistinct sound in the back of his throat that sounded like a grunt. �Don�t talk to me about being too old,� he scoffed.

Though he hadn�t meant to, Harry actually laughed. He laughed. He�d felt it tickle the back of his throat, but it had escaped before he ever had the chance to stifle it, and Sirius was soon laughing as well, a relieved laugh that seemed to release much of the tension in the air just now. Then he stepped forward and pulled Harry into a hug, slapping Harry heartily on the back.

�It�s good to hear that laugh again, Harry,� he said.

Harry nodded, but didn�t say anything, pulling away from Sirius and breaking the gaze, self-consciously swiping the underside of his boot on the walkway to wipe away excess mud.

�Not the best birthday, is it?�

He could feel Sirius� stare burning into his skull, but he kept his eyes on the random puddles on the pavement.

�What are you doing here, Sirius?�

�I would ask you the same thing,� he said, �but I know why you�re here.�

Harry looked up once more, his thumb lazily sweeping the grip on his wand.

Sirius gestured towards the wand, then said, �I hope you�re not planning on hexing me with that thing.�

Harry jammed the wand back into the inside pocket of his cloak and walked past him, heading straight for the door. When he closed his hand around the doorknob, he heard the shuffle of footsteps behind him, and Sirius� commanding voice just above his shoulder.

�How long do you think you can keep this up?� he said.

Harry turned around and met his gaze. �What�re you talking about-�

�You know exactly what I�m talking about,� Sirius said. �Don�t play stupid with me, Harry. We�ve known each other too long. Too long and too well, and this is rubbish, you know it!!�

Harry pushed the door open and walked inside, but Sirius was too quick for him, and pushed through the door as well, slamming it behind him, then grabbing Harry by the shoulders and turning him around forcefully.

�Look at me, damn it!!� he said.

�What do you want from me, Sirius?�

�I want you to face someone for a bloody change!�

Harry hadn�t seen him this angry in a long time. It was a while before Sirius released his hold on Harry�s shoulders, and Harry could still feel them tingling from the way Sirius had been gripping them.

�You want to know why I�m here?� he said. �I�m here because your wife is worried sick about you, you prat!�

Guilt knifed at Harry, as Ginny�s face came to him. She didn�t deserve any of this, and he hated that he was the reason she was hurting so much.

�She got in touch with me when you left. She begged me to talk to you because she didn�t know what the hell you were about to do!!�

Harry sighed, slumping back against the wall. �I wasn�t going to... I didn�t want to worry her...�

�Well you did,� Sirius said. �And if you�d ever come out from this bloody tower you�ve locked yourself in, you�d�ve seen that-�

�Don�t lecture me, damn it!� Harry fought back. �You�ve no idea what�s been going on in my head, so don�t even try to pretend that you do!�

Sirius let out a disbelieving laugh and shook his head. Harry ignored him and made his way up the stairs, walking down the hall to what must have once been his nursery. It was still intact, even after all these years: the crib, the wardrobe, even the mobile that hung above the crib.

Soon after, he heard footsteps pounding up the stairs and he knew Sirius had followed him in here too.

�You�re right,� he heard Sirius say. Harry felt him grab onto his arm, but Harry refused to face him. �You�re right, I don�t have the first clue what�s going on in that bloody head of yours. Because if I did, I wouldn�t be sitting here thinking about what a selfish bastard you�re being right now-�

�Shut up!!� he said, jerking his arm free, but Sirius moved to stand in front of him. �Go ahead and hit me! That�s what you want to do, isn�t it? I�m a selfish bastard, right? And I know you want to hit me, so go ahead-�

�God, do you hear yourself??�

Sirius let go, and Harry, not expecting him to do so, nearly stumbled over.

�I don�t want to hit you, Harry,� Sirius said at last, as if in defeat. �But I am at the end of my rope here, do you understand? All of us are! Do you have any idea how worried we�ve all been about you? Ginny, Hermione, Ron-�

He stopped mid-sentence; Harry guessed Sirius must have caught him flinch immediately upon hearing Ron�s name.

�I don�t know what you�re going through, Harry,� he said quietly. �None of us do. But don�t you think it�s time you let us in? How long are you going to keep this damn hero act up? No one expects you to be all-powerful-�

�Oh really?� Harry said. �No, I�ve got no expectations to measure up to, do I? I mean, I�m only the Boy-Who-Lived, right? I�m only the bloody Boy-Who-Lived who�s supposed to be the savior of the whole wizarding world, all because I got lucky. I got lucky and survived something that should have killed me in the first place, and it didn�t matter that I didn�t do anything remarkable, and it didn�t matter than I never asked for ANY OF THIS!!�

He reached into the crib. One of the tiny cars that had hung from the mobile had fallen onto the pillow, and he took it, and drew his arm back, then threw the car clear across the room, where it bounced off the wall.

�My parents died because me,� he said, feeling himself shake. He made no attempt to even stop it. �Cedric Diggory died because of me. Snape... and now Ron!! God, Sirius, I lost my best friend! My best friend!! When is all of this bloody madness ever going to end?�

He bent down over the crib, gripping the top of the rails.

At length, he said softly, �How many more people have to die, Sirius? How many more people have to die because of me?�

He felt Sirius place a hand on his shoulder. �Don�t do this. You know it�s not your fault.�

�Like hell it isn�t,� Harry said. �Ron would be here if it weren�t for me, and don�t tell me I�m wrong, because you know I�m not!�

Sirius stared back at him, and for a long time it seemed he wasn�t going to say anything, until finally he spoke again. �Ron wanted to help you, just like I do. Just like we all do. You know he would have done anything to make sure you were safe.�

Harry shook his head. �He shouldn�t have had to, Sirius,� he said. �And it�s my fault that Hermione�s lost her husband, and it�s my fault that those kids lost their father. And damn it, Voldemort made sure it was all in vain, didn�t he? Because I�m still going to die. I�m still going to die, and my kids...�

He swallowed hard. There was no way he would ever be able to make himself finish that sentence.

�Maybe none of us can stop you from dying,� Sirius said. �But for God�s sake, don�t shut us out, Harry. If nothing else, don�t shut Ginny out. That woman loves you more than anything on this planet, and what you�re doing is hurting her. If she is losing you, don�t you think you should make the most of the time you have left?�

Harry nodded wordlessly. He was right. Sirius was right. Harry had known it all along, really, but perhaps it took until now to truly acknowledge it.

Again, Sirius laid a hand on his shoulder, shaking Harry gently. �Think about it,� he said. �You promise?�

�Yeah,� Harry said. �I promise.�

Sirius smiled, then without another word, he disapparated, leaving Harry alone again, and when silence had settled in once more, Harry buried his head in his hands and wept.

Ginny was sleeping by the time he returned, her breath steady, but her face etched with concern even in slumber. Harry didn�t want to wake her, but he realized, upon seeing a small, empty vial on the nightstand, he wouldn�t had disturbed her anyway; she had taken a dreamless potion.

He knelt down beside the bed, watching her. She was facing him and didn�t even know it, and he let the tips of his fingers brush down the curve of her cheek. When she didn�t stir, he rested his chin on the edge of the bed and began to talk to her. He knew she�d never hear him, not even in a dream, but he needed to get all of this out anyway. In the morning he would tell her all this again, when she was awake and could hear the words for herself, but for now, he had to say this, even if it fell on deaf ears.

�I�m sorry,� he murmured. �I�m so sorry for hurting you. For shutting you out. I don�t deserve to have you hang in there for me day after day when all I�ve done is push you away, but God, you have to know how grateful I am that you haven�t given up on me...�

Gently, he laced his fingers through hers, bringing her hand to his lips.

�I promise,� he said, �I�m done pushing you away, Gin... I�m done wasting time... If all we�ve got are these few precious moments, then I promise you I won�t squander them...�

He heard her breath change rhythm slightly, but he knew the potion would be far too strong for her to wake now.

�Don�t forget me, Ginny,� he said. �Promise me when this is all over and I�m long gone... promise me you�ll never forget me...�