Romeo and Juliet
(A Comedy/Tragedy written by Katie "Desh", written on this date of May 24, 2000)
ACT I
(Enter Capulet men)
Capulet Man 1: Heh, did you hear? Old man Capulet is gonna throw a party! Do you even remotely realize how many hot babes are gonna be there?!
Capulet Man 2: PSYCHE! Is my girl Magenta going to be there? Man�I'm getting hungry just thinking about it!
Capulet Man 1: I don't know if Magenta is going to be there�.But Columbia is!
(Both men high five and laugh)
Capulet Man 2: Oh, look here comes a Montague. (Loudly) I hear Romeo's been a pansy lately!
(Enter Montague Man 1)
Montague Man 1: Did you diss my cousin?
(Capulet Man 2 pushes up his glasses with his middle finger)
Montague Man 2: Did you just flip me off?
Capulet Man 2: So what if I did?
Montague Man 1: You wanna go, punk?
(Tybalt appears from nowhere)
Tybalt: Hark, do I hear the sounds of a fight brewing? Let's bring it on!
(All men pull out plastic McDonald's knives and start attempting to kill the others with them. Every time a knife breaks, another one is thrown in from the wings. Enter Benvolio.)
Benvolio: Guys, I wouldn't recommend fighting now�
(Guys keep fighting, enter Capulet and Lady Capulet)
Capulet: Hand me my spoon, my dear. I shall physically impair them all!
Lady Capulet: (Under breath) Loser. (Regular tone) Must we get involved?
(Cops show up, everyone runs off stage, except for Capulet, who stays at the corner)
Cop 1: I got called off my donut break for this?
(During scene change, Capulet enters center stage and shouts)
Capulet: PARTY AT MY HOUSE TONIGHT!!!!!
(Scene change, enter Benvolio and Lady Montague)
Lady Montague: (to Benvolio) Have you seen Romeo?
Benvolio: I think he's up in his room listening to R.E.M. He's turned into a night creature, only coming out for food and Internet. He sits and stares out the window.
Lady Montague: Really? Why?
Benvolio: He's lost his love, Rosaline. (Whispers) Here he comes now. (Lady Montague exits)
Romeo: Hey Benvolio. (No expression in voice)
Benvolio: What's up with you, cousin? There's a par-tay tonight we're going to go to! Cheer up!
Romeo: There is no point to living anymore,
I feel like my life is only a bore
My whole life's been cast into a bin
When I lost my love, Rosaline.
She's all about that chastity thing
I feel like it's all just been a fling�
Benvolio: (Interrupting) But it has!
Romeo: (Angrily) Will you just let me finish my poetry?!
Benvolio: No, I won't! We're going to be late then! Let's go!
(Benvolio drags Romeo off)
(At the party, Romeo sees Juliet. She's wearing flare jeans, a white tank top and her soft brown hair is pulled half up half down. He stares at her for a couple hours, and then finally gets the nerve up to talk to her and corners her in a hallway.)
Romeo: How fair thee, my lady? Truly you are the one that I need, you complete me, you are the one I will be with till death do us part. You are my sun, my moon, and my stars. Who needs R.E.M. when they can hear your angelic voice? Who needs Star Wars when they can just see you in person? No English words can describe you���What is your name?
Juliet: (Flustered) Umm, Juliet. Why does it seem like twenty people want to marry me all of a sudden?
Romeo: What do you mean, my love?
Juliet: I think like twenty guys want to marry me-But jeez, I'm not even fourteen!
Romeo: You must not be with them. We are destined to be together.
(They both look up and the stars are spelling out "Romeo + Juliet." They kiss.)
Nurse: JULIET!
Romeo: I shall see thee again soon, my sweet. (Romeo leaves. Juliet stands and looks flustered for a minute, and then runs off to see what the Nurse wanted.)
ACT II
(After the party, Romeo sees Juliet run into the woods, and follows her. When he gets into the woods, he looks around and can't find her, when all of a sudden, from up in a tree�)
Juliet: How can I explain myself to my dad?
Or even to my mother?
I can see it now; he'll get so mad,
When I tell him about my newfound lover.
Oh Romeo is the man that I want,
His eyes are the prettiest blue hue,
If nothing happens, my life it will haunt,
But, alas! He's a Montague!
But him I truly love!
How did I get myself into this?
Marrying him is unheard of
I'm plunging into an abyss.
But I must get my feelings to him about
Before my unplentiful time runs out.
Romeo: My dear sweet love, is that you?
If sneaking to you is the only way, I'll do
I have to talk to you somehow
I realize I'm in too deep now.
There's no turning back when love takes hold.
Juliet: How about we married, yo?
Romeo: Really? I totally agree! Have your nurse meet me in the marketplace at oh eight hundred hours.
(Nurse enters.)
Nurse: I don't mean to be suggesting, but what are you two kids doing out here, in the woods, in the dark? I've been around the block a few times, I know what's going on. I'll go, Romeo, to get the final word from you. (As Nurse walks off, she hollers over shoulder) Make sure you two come up for some air eventually!
Romeo: I must depart, my love. I shall see you soon. (Romeo and Juliet exit.)
ACT III
(This final act takes place in the streets of Verona and Juliet's balcony. The Capulets and Montagues are fighting again, this being an elaborate fighting scene.)
Romeo: Really guys, do we have to fight?
Mercutio: Yes, we do! Die, Tybalt! (Mercutio slices Tybalt's hand off.)
Tybalt: (Screams, and looks at his hand) Father�?
Mercutio: Tybalt, I am your father!
Tybalt: NO! (A cliff appears and he jumps off of it)
Romeo: Oh my God, you killed him! I can't take this any longer! (Grabs the nearest sword and plunges it into his chest, screaming)
Mercutio: Whoa, how come everyone's dying all of a sudden? Wait a second�(Thinks) I like Juliet, Romeo's dead�This means�Juliet's not tied down anymore�I can go out with her now! All right!
(Nurse enters)
Nurse: Fellow, what happened here? Why are there dead bodies everywhere?
Mercutio: Well, there was a big fight, and basically everyone croaked except for me. And I like Juliet, so I'm off to go propose to her! (Runs off, Nurse shakes her head and exits.)
(Juliet is on her balcony, braiding the rope ladder, and humming some BNL to herself. Nurse enters.)
Nurse: You must hear! I went to the marketplace, there was a fight, and lots of blood, and Romeo�
Juliet: Romeo what?
Nurse: He's�dead�
Juliet: (Leans over the balcony, holding the rope ladder. She loses her balance, falls over the edge and ends up hanging herself, while screaming the entire time.)
Nurse: Why is everyone dying today?
Mercutio: (Runs in) Um�What happened here?
Nurse: Isn't it plain to see? Juliet accidentally hung herself!
Mercutio: Well�I kind of liked her, but Nurse, you're not bad looking yourself�
Nurse: (Blushes) Mercutio�I'm really not like that, but if you want to�
(Nurse and Mercutio walk off of the stage, holding hands, laughing.)
(Narrator enters.)
Narrator: I know you've never seen me before,
I hope this play has not been a bore
Do you like corn on the cob?
If it was, I'll lose my job.
So ends the tale of these two kids,
When they get in a fight, they lose their lids
And then what happens? They all die,
What I tell you is not a lie.
So my young friends, in love take heed,
Sometimes love is not what you need
Now go on with your happy lives, oh
This ends the tale of Juliet and Romeo. (Narrator exits.)
END OF PLAY!