"Iris"
by Jedi Adia

Disclaimers: Buffy the Vampire Slayer doesn't belong to me, it belongs to Joss Whedon; the song "Iris" belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls. This story is merely a non-profit indulgence.

Summary: Spike's musings and events following Buffy's death.

He couldn't believe it. How could she really be gone? It was impossible. Yet there she was, lying on the ground before him - dead. Spike's face hurt from straining to keep back the threatening tears. His only love was gone. Buffy...not the Slayer, just Buffy...was gone.

He edged closer to her still body, and looked into the face that was once so alive, but so cold around him...most of the time. There was one night, he remembered, when it seemed she'd actually cared for him. It hadn't been that long ago.

"And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now."

Spike cast a glance around at the destruction, the people that Buffy had invited into her life with open arms, and his eyes lingered on Buffy herself, before he turned and feld home, with his mind fleeing to the past.

***

"Spike..." Buffy had said once. For once, she had said his name in a non-malicious manner.

He turned toward her on the darkened street. "I thought you were patrolling," he said.

"It turned out to be an uneventful night," Buffy said. "I think I'm going to go home."

"I'll walk with you..."

"No," Buffy said. "I can get there myself."

"It's dark...you might want some company - not to mention back-up if we get any unwanted company."

"Right now, Spike," Buffy said, "you're the unwanted company." She turned and began to walk home. Even though she didn't want him to, he followed her. She heard the footsteps, and knew who they belonged to, but she didn't protest.

"And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight."

Buffy arrived at her house and stopped on the sidewalk. She turned to face Spike, just a couple of paces behind her. "Spike," she said, "what is it that you want?"

"I want to love you," he said, "and know that you love me back." He stepped closer to her.

"Spike, I can't love you. I'm supposed to kill you," Buffy said.

"Then why haven't you killed me yet?"

Buffy hesitated. In that moment of hesitation, Spike took hold of her and kissed her. He expected her to break away, but she didn't. He released her. "I think I know why," he said. "I think you do love me."

"You've got some pretty wild ideas," Buffy said, shaking her head. "Spike - ever since Mom died, you've been so good to Dawn and..."

"To you."

"And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am."

He watched her for a reaction. There wasn't one. He'd struck a nerve. "I rest my case...Slayer," he said, and turned to leave.

"Spike, wait," Buffy said.

"Yeah?"

"Let's keep this between us...it probably wouldn't go over really well with everyone," Buffy said.

Spike nodded. "You're probably right."

"I love you, Spike."

***

"Buffy!" Spike yelled her name as he woke with a start. He was in his crypt, and for a moment, he wondered how he had gotten there. Then he remembered. Glory...the other realm...and Buffy.

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive."

He'd do anything to get her back. He ran his hands through his hair and looked in the mirror. His wounds were a constant reminder, but he didn't care. Buffy's death had left him numb, unable to care about or feel anything.

"And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am."

He turned as the door opened and Dawn walked in. "You shouldn't be here," he said.

"Buffy died, because of me."

"She died for you," he corrected her. "She died for all of us. I loved her so much." He decided to let out the secret that Buffy had begged him to keep.

"I know."

"You do?"

Dawn nodded. "She told me." Dawn paused. "She thought everyone should know. You should tell them."

"And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am."

He wanted to shout it to the world, as he went with Dawn to Giles' house, but he restrained himself. He received mixed reactions when he finally said something. Anya and Tara still felt like the world really had ended. Xander and Willow didn't say much, but neither of them were overjoyed. Only Giles seemed tolerant, which surprised Spike.

"If that's the way she felt," Giles said, "then I'm not one to argue. Worse things could happen...and they did."

Spike turned to leave. He obviously wasn't wanted here. Giles stopped him. "Stay, if you would like. But if you are leaving, I'll have to say good-bye now. I'm going back to England," he said. "There's nothing left for me here."

"There's us," Willow said.

"I have no purpose here, is what I meant," Giles said. "I'm returning to England to see if the council can find something for me to do."

Spike sat down awkwardly beside Xander. They looked at each other, and saw the same thing. They had to come together. It was what Buffy would have wanted for them. Whether they liked each other or not, they had one thing in common - Buffy. She had loved them all, and would always be with them. As long as they put aside their differences and remembered her. Sunnydale would never be the same without Buffy Summers, they all decided. It was overridden with demons now, and it had become their fight...it had always been their fight. With or without Buffy.