A Critical Miss
A play in one act
By Tim Westfield
Dramatis Personae
Gordon
Thugor the Mighty
Maleos the Wise
Estinor the Swift
Alyssa the Sly
Tony
Frank
Brian
Drake
- Human male chronicler, 20
- Human male warrior, 35
- Human male wizard, 20
- Elven male woodsman, 106
- Human female rogue, 17
- Human male student, 20
- Human male slacker, 19
- Human male delinquent, 18
- Human male outcast, 19
(The stage is dark a large divide separates the two sides of the stage.)
GORDON: (In the dark, as if a voice over.) In the land of Capalia there was a nation that its inhabitants had called Betalmania. The noble nation was torn asunder by a catastrophic civil war. Amidst the great civil strife the formerly prosperous nation was split into four smaller nations each at the throats of the other three. These four nations were named by there new rulers Lenia, Cartia, Starkia, and Harria. The rulers of these individual nations had been the king’s chief advisers, and when the king had died without an heir they decided to rule together. However jealousy developed between the four rulers. The wife of one of these rulers was always whispering in his ear, saying how he was far superior to the others, and should be the sole ruler of this land.
The ruler of the Harria, the smallest of these nations, decided that this war should be stopped. He knew, as did everyone in the land, of the prophecy of the four warriors of courage, who could bring peace to the land, and usher in a golden age. According to the prophecy these warriors would need to travel to the cave of certain doom, and collect the magical item within, to prove that they were indeed the warriors of prophecy. A great call went out throughout the land, calling for all warriors of great courage. Many warriors heeded the call, but when they learned of their quest only four warriors remained to embark on the journey. The ruler of Harria was overcome with joy at having these four warriors accept the quest. He gave great thanks to the four warriors and promised them great rewards if they were to succeed on their quest.
The warriors were a mixed group each with their own special talents and contributions to the group.
GORDON: There was Thugor the Mighty.
(On stage lest THUGOR steps forward into the light.)
GORDON: Born in a small rural village, Thugor was forged at the smithy in his village. He was apprenticed to the smith until a band of marauders came through the village and destroyed the smithy, and killed all of Thugor’s family and friend. Since that day Thugor has spent his entire life becoming more skilled at fighting so that on the day he come face to face with those that killed his loved ones, he may destroy them with his own hands. Next, Maleos the Wise.
(MALEOS steps forward.)
GORDON: Maleos was born into the high class of Betalmania. A member of the aristocracy his parents spared no cost in the education of their son. When he showed a talent in magic, he was sent to study in the best mage academy. At the academy he was the best of the best. Now he is looking for a quest of epic proportions, to prove what he has know all along, that he is truly the greatest wizard in all the land. The third member of the party is Estinor the swift.
(ESTINOR steps forward.)
GORDON: Estinor is the eldest son of an elven chief. Although he is over one hundred years old, he is still young be elven standards. His father requested that he go on this quest so that peace may be restored to the land. A master woodsman, tracker, and archer Estinor gladly accepted the quest, and made the journey so that he might offer his services. The last member of the party was Alyssa the Sly.
(ALYSSA steps forward.)
GORDON: Alyssa’s past remains shrouded in mystery. And that is just the way that she likes it. She is an expert at all manner of deception. There isn’t a lock she can’t pick, a wall she can’t scale, or a fortress she can’t infiltrate. The secrets of where she got theses skills are hers, and hers alone. Thus was formed the greatest fighting force ever assembled. There journeys would become the stuff of legends. But as all tales do, we must begin at the beginning.
(Lights fade to black.)
(Lights come up on stage left. There is a small table as if from a medieval tavern with four chairs around it. ALYSSA, MALEOS, THUGOR, and ESTINOR are sitting and drinking.)
THUGOR: Now how far is it to the cave of certain doom?
MALEOS: According to the information we received it should take us about 3 days to get there, if we move at a fast pace.
ESTINOR: I could make it in two.
ALYSSA: That may be true Estinor, but what good would it be to get there a day before us?
ESTINOR: I may be able to scout the area and examine the cave.
THUGOR: And get yourself killed in the process.
ESTINOR: I would not get myself killed.
THUGOR: (mocking) I’m just going to take one quick look inside the cave…. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
(Laughing)
ESTINOR: Very funny.
THUGOR: I thought it was.
MALEOS: Guys, that’s enough. We need to stick together as a group.
ALYSSA: Oh yes, almighty leader.
THUGOR: Yeah, who put you in charge.
MALEOS: The King.
ESTINOR: No he didn’t.
MALEOS: Maybe he didn’t, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be the leader.
ALYSSA: That also doesn’t mean that you should be either.
THUGOR: I think I should be the leader. I am the strongest.
MALEOS: What does strength have to do with leadership? I am the smartest of us by far, therefore I should be the leader of the party.
ALYSSA: You may be the smartest, but why does that make you a leader. The leaders need charisma, and I have lots of that.
ESTINOR: You may have charisma, but I have wisdom. I am over one-hundred years old, and throughout my life I have learned much that you may never know in your short lives.
THUGOR: I still say that I should be in charge.
ALYSSA: You, out of anyone, have the least qualifications.
THUGOR: I do not!
ALYSSA: How does you being the strongest qualify you for a leadership role?
THUGOR: I don’t know. It matters in all sorts of societies. Like animals for instance. The strongest male is always the leader of the group.
ALYSSA: Sometimes it’s the female.
THUGOR: Fine. Strongest male OR female. Whatever. The point is that the strongest member of the pack runs things, and that’s how I think things should be done here.
MALEOS: Yes, that is true. But, are we animals? No. Therefore we should base our decision of leadership on something else. That is why I think we should base leadership on intelligence. We are after all intelligent beings.
ESTINOR: Yes, but how exactly does intelligence correspond to leadership? I know that leaders are supposed to be intelligent, but all of us here are intelligent. You, Maleos, may be more intelligent than us, but we are by no means dumb, with the possible exception of Thugor.
THUGOR: HEY!
ALYSSA: Are you going to deny it?
THUGOR: No.
ALYSSA: Then pipe down.
THUGOR: Yes ma’am.
ESTINOR: Back to my point. Intelligence is not the sole criteria for leadership. And I posses many of the other qualities you would look for in a leader.
MALEOS: Such as?
ESTINOR: Well first, and perhaps most important, experience. As I said before I am over one-hundred years old, and have seen much in my years in this land.
ALYSSA: You may be one-hundred, but that is still young by elven standards. I could be considered more mature than you.
ESTINOR: But I have lived for a much longer time than you.
ALYSSA: That is true, but I also have some qualities much admired in leaders. I have extremely fast wits. I am quickly able to analyze situation and make good decisions.
MALEOS: But what guarantee is there that you make the correct decisions?
ALYSSA: There is no guarantee, but I am still alive and well, and given some of the situations I have been in, that is a very good example of my decision making skills.
ESTINOR: I guess we’ll take your word on that, but I still say that my experience would prove invaluable.
ALYSSA: It will, not in a leadership way however, but more as an adviser to our leader.
ESTINOR: And that would be you?
ALYSSA: Maybe yes, and maybe no.
ESTINOR: I’ve had enough of this talk. I need another drink. Maleos I think it is your turn to get us a round.
MALEOS: I could have sworn it wasn’t.
ALYSSA: It is.
MALEOS: Fine. What do you want.
ESTINOR: I’ll have a nice glass of wine.
ALYSSA: An ale.
MALEOS: And what do you want Thugor?
THUGOR: I’ll have a Mountain Dew.
(All the characters on stage left freeze. The lights go down on stage left and come up on stage right. On stage right there is a table around which GORDON, TONY, FRANK, BRIAN, and DRAKE are sitting. GORDON is at the head of the table. On the table are papers, books, pencils, and polyhedral dice.)
GORDON: What did you say?
BRIAN: I asked for a coke.
TONY: That doesn’t make any sense.
BRIAN: What? I’m thirsty.
FRANK: You may want a soda Brian, but your character, Thugor, has never even heard of soda.
BRIAN: And?
DRAKE: Brian, we were not asking what you wanted to drink. Tony’s character, Maleos, was asking your character, Thugor, what he wanted to drink. Tony was not asking you what you wanted to drink.
(BRIAN stares blankly at them all.)
GORDON: You were supposed to say what you thought your character, Thugor, wanted to drink.
BRIAN: You mean like a beer or something?
GORDON: Exactly.
BRIAN: But can I get the Mountain Dew now?
GORDON: Yes, they are in the fridge in the kitchen.
BRIAN: Kitchen?
GORDON: (Indication offstage right) That way.
BRIAN: Thanks. You guys want anything?
TONY: I’ll have a Coke.
DRAKE: Me too.
FRANK: Make that three.
GORDON: I’ll have a Mountain Dew.
BRIAN: Okay. Three Cokes and two Mountain Dews. I’ll be right back.
(BRIAN exits offstage right)
FRANK: He’s not doing too badly, especially for his first time role-playing.
DRAKE: Yeah, but he’s not doing that well either.
TONY: Give the kid a break Drake. It is his first time after all.
GORDON: I can’t guarantee that you were not a perfect role-player when you started.
DRAKE: Maybe not. But I can guarantee that I was a lot better then, than he is now.
FRANK: That’s only because you spent your time memorizing the rule books.
TONY: Memorizing the rules doesn’t automatically make you good.
DRAKE: Well it can’t hurt. And he doesn’t even have the slightest idea what the rules are.
TONY: “Was I any different when you taught me?”
FRANK: (As Yoda) “He is too old! Yes. Too old to begin the training.”
GORDON: Guys, cut out the Star Wars quotes.
FRANK: (As Yoda) “Much anger in him.”
TONY: “Like his father.”
GORDON: Guys, come on. We don’t want to scare this one away, now do we?
DRAKE: I don’t like him.
FRANK: A blind man in the dark could see that Drake.
(BRIAN reenters with five sodas. He gives a soda to everyone and then sits down.)
BRIAN: So what did I miss?
TONY: Well you missed our discussion on the meaning of life.
FRANK: We figured out the whole thing.
BRAIN: What?
GORDON: We figured out the meaning of life.
BRIAN: You did?
DRAKE: It’s very simple.
BRIAN: Well then tell me.
FRANK: We can’t.
BRAIN: Why not?
TONY: We forgot it.
BRIAN: You forgot it?
GORDON: Yeah, we had it for a second. It was really clear and simple.
DRAKE: And then POOF it was gone.
FRANK: It was really nice and simple.
TONY: I rather enjoyed it myself.
BRIAN: Are you guys serious.
FRANK: Of course we are.
TONY: As a heart attack.
DRAKE: Seriously.
GORDON: I swear on the grave of someone I have never met.
BRAIN: What?
FRANK: “The grave of someone I have never met.” That’s a good one Gordon.
GORDON: Thank you. I try.
DRAKE: Yeah, try. And fail.
GORDON: That’s it you lose one level.
DRAKE: What, you can’t do that?
GORDON: Yes, yes I can. I am the game master. I am the lord of all that I survey. In this place, in this game. I AM GOD!!! (Maniacal Laughter)
FRANK: Gordon, please.
GORDON: Sorry, I get a little drunk on power sometimes.
TONY: A little drunk?
GORDON: Whatever do you mean?
FRANK: Tony, I think our friend Gordon here has forgotten about the game of which we never speak.
TONY: Which game that we never talk about? Is it “The game who’s name must never be uttered?”
FRANK: No.
DRAKE: “The game which must not be named?”
FRANK: No.
GORDON: OHHH, “The game which was but never shall be again.”
FRANK: Yes. Exactly.
GORDON: I wasn’t that bad.
FRANK: Yes, yes you were.
TONY: You declared martial law.
DRAKE: You killed all of us five times, only to resurrect us again.
FRANK: I still have nightmares about that game.
GORDON: Ah memories. That was fun. NOW shut up or I shall dock you all a level.
BRAIN: What does that mean?
GORDON: Okay. What level are you?
BRIAN: Where do I find that? Oh, there it is. Level two.
GORDON: When you go up a level you get more powerful and get more skills and stuff right?
BRIAN: Right.
GORDON: So if you go down a level…
BRIAN: You become weaker and lose some of the skills you had before.
GORDON: Exactly.
BRIAN: Okay I get it.
GORDON: Good.
DRAKE: Can we get back to the game now?
FRANK: Game?
TONY: We were playing a game?
BRIAN: Yeah guys, we were.
GORDON: They know that Brian, just ignore them.
FRANK: It’s better for your sanity that way.
TONY: At least he still has sanity.
FRANK: But we can cure him of that real quick.
DRAKE: Can we get back to the game?
GORDON: Okay back to the game. But first, you guys have all met and such so lets just move you guys out of the city and onto the path. You travel for a day, and at night you attempt to make camp.
(The lights go down on the stage right and come up on stage left. Stage left appears to be a forest of some kind.)
(From the darkness GORDON narrates.)
GORDON: After journeying for long hours, your fatigue and hunger causes you to stop. You are preparing to make a camp in a clearing you have found. Your first priority should be to what kind of protection you are going to make for the camp. May I suggest setting up a watch?
MALEOS: So who is going to take first watch?
THUGOR: I will.
ALYSSA: I don’t know if we can trust him.
THUGOR: You can trust me.
ALYSSA: I mean I can’t trust you not to fall asleep.
THUGOR: I won’t fall asleep.
ESTINOR: If we are going to give him a watch we had better make it the first one.
MALEOS: I agree. We don’t want him falling asleep on us.
ALYSSA: And he would never be able to stay awake in the middle of the night.
THUGOR: Come on guys I am not that bad.
MALEOS: That’s what you said at the bar and look what happened.
THUGOR: That wasn’t my fault.
ESTINOR: We are getting nowhere. Let’s just give Thugor the first watch. Hopefully he can stay awake. And if not, we kill him. Agreed?
MALEOS: Agreed.
ALYSSA: Okay.
THUGOR: What are you guys saying?
MALEOS: We are simply saying that if you fall asleep while on watch your life will cease to be.
ALYSSA: We will kill you.
ESTINOR: Slit your throat.
THUGOR: Really?
MALEOS: If that is the only way to make sure that you stay awake then yes.
THUGOR: Then I won’t fall asleep.
ALYSSA: Okay, but if you do…
THUGOR: I know. I know.
ALYSSA: Good.
(Lights fade on stage left. GORDON is again heard in the darkness.)
GORDON: You succeed in making a suitable camp site. You find a good amount of firewood, enough to last you the night and the following morning. Thugor takes the first watch. Estinor you wake up when your watch is about to start to find Thugor asleep and your supplies gone.
(Lights come up on stage left. It is night. THUGOR is sleeping sitting up. ALYSSA and MALEOS are sleeping on the ground. ESTINOR is running around searching for the missing supplies.)
ESTINOR: THUGOR!!!
THUGOR: Wha…. what?
ESTINOR: You Fell asleep!
MALEOS: Huh? He fell asleep?!?
ALYSSA: YOU IDIOT!
THUGOR: I didn’t mean to.
MALEOS: It doesn’t matter if you meant to or not! You did, you idiot!
ESTINOR: And that’s not the worst part.
ALYSSA: Oh gods, what did he do?
THUGOR: I didn’t do anything.
MALEOS: What happened Estinor?
ESTINOR: While this idiot was sleeping someone or something stole all of our supplies.
MALEOS: WHAT?!?
ALYSSA: Oh, you’re going to pay for this one. COME HERE.
(ALYSSA starts to chase THUGOR around the stage.)
THUGOR: HELP ME! I didn’t mean to. She’s crazy.
MALEOS: She is crazy. You’re one of the greatest fighters in all the land and she is attacking you full on from the front.
ESTINOR: If you just turned around and confronted her, the chances are you would crush her.
ALYSSA: Guys, stop giving him help.
MALEOS: We’re not helping. We’re just making observations aloud to ourselves. Isn’t that right Estinor.
ESTINOR: Most certainly is. I would never do anything like try to stop you when you are on a murderous rampage. Especially when he lost us all our supplies.
THUGOR: I didn’t lose them.
MALEOS: Maybe not, but someone or something took them and you were supposed to be awake guarding it.
THUGOR: And I deserve to die for that?
ESTINOR: Die seems a little too severe. Maybe just a limb or two.
ALYSSA: I guess I could settle on a limb. But which one?
MALEOS: Thugor, are you right-handed or left-handed?
THUGOR: Right-handed.
MALEOS: Go for the left-leg.
ESTINOR: I say you take out the right leg.
ALYSSA: And I want to take off the left arm.
MALEOS: Well, I guess that only leaves one option left.
ESTINOR: It would appear so.
ALYSSA: The right arm it is then.
THUGOR: Guys, please don’t do this. I’m really sorry.
ALYSSA: You’re sorry. Wow. Guess what guys, he’s sorry.
MALEOS: Is he really? Well then. That changes everything.
ESTINOR: No, no it doesn’t. Lets go for the arm.
THUGOR: HELP! Somebody help me!
GORDON: Wait. Stop. Hold it.
(The lights go down on stage left and come up on stage right.)
TONY: What’s wrong now?
GORDON: You guys can’t do that.
FRANK: Aww. Come on. It will be fun.
DRAKE: Not to mention painful.
BRIAN: Why are you doing this to me?
FRANK: Because you fell asleep on watch.
TONY: And lost all our supplies.
DRAKE: And it’s also a lot of fun.
GORDON: You three can’t do that to him.
FRANK: And why not?
TONY: I think we’re entitled to a little revenge.
GORDON: You can’t. Because I said so.
DRAKE: Is that your only reason?
TONY: I hope not.
FRANK: It’s not a very good one. Not really.
BRAIN: I want to survive with all four limbs intact.
DRAKE: That’s not likely if I have anything to do with it.
GORDON: I said you can’t kill him. And I have another reason.
TONY: Oh really. I don’t believe you.
FRANK: Let’s hear it oh great and mighty one.
GORDON: First I have a question for you. What is your alignment?
BRIAN: Is that the thing where you are either good, bad or neutral.
GORDON: Yes, but then there is also lawful, meaning that you follow rules, or chaotic which mean you do what you want to achieve your goals. So there are nine different alignments. And I ask you what are you guys?
TONY: Maleos is lawful-good.
GORDON: Frank?
FRANK: Estinor is Lawful-neutral.
GORDON: And you Drake? How what is Alyssa’s alignment?
DRAKE: Chaotic-good.
GORDON: And now I ask you, would any of your characters, if played according to their alignments, act like you guys are acting now?
TONY: No.
FRANK: I guess not.
DRAKE: Well it is chaotic.
GORDON: But in no way does it do any good.
DRAKE: It would make me feel a lot better.
GORDON: But that’s not enough of a reason to kill anyone. Okay back to the game. Let us assume that you guys have calmed down. You have no supplies, but you still have your weapons.
(Lights fade on stage right and come up on stage left. All of the characters are considerably calmer than when we left them.)
MALEOS: So what are we going to do?
ESTINOR: I don’t know.
ALYSSA: Should we head back into town to get supplies?
MALEOS: I still don’t understand how someone took our supplies.
ESTINOR: It’s simple HE fell asleep.
MALEOS: That’s not what I mean.
ALYSSA: What then.
MALEOS: I mean, why would somebody take our supplies?
THUGOR: Because they wanted them, DUH!
ESTINOR: What I think Maleos is trying to say is, why didn’t anything happen to us? Why would someone take our supplies and then leave us here? If we were all sleeping why didn’t they just kill us? We’re out in the middle of nowhere. It’s not like anyone would be able to catch them.
ALYSSA: Maybe they just wanted the supplies and thought that killing us for no reason was just a little too much.
MALEOS: Yes, that is exactly what I have been trying to say.
ESTINOR: I have no idea what might have happened.
THUGOR: Guys, I am really hungry. I was wondering if we could get food somewhere, and soon.
ALYSSA: You lost us all our food. I say we roast him.
MALEOS: Alyssa.
ALYSSA: Sorry. He probably wouldn’t taste any good anyway.
THUGOR: Estinor, you’re supposed to be a good woodsman and such, can’t you catch us a deer or something.
ESTINOR: Maybe, but with all our yelling, I doubt there is any game within a mile of here.
THUGOR: What about berries or something.
ESTINOR: Yes, I could find “berries or something” but not in the middle of the night. I am an elf, and we can see well in darkness, but even we have our limits. And finding berries in the middle of that night crosses that threshold
THUGOR: What about Chinese then?
GORDON: Hold it.
(Lights fade on stage left and come up on stage right.)
GORDON: Okay Brian, that was completely out of context.
BRIAN: Well all of this talk about food is making me really hungry.
TONY: That’s not the point. Chinese is just stupid.
FRANK: Yeah, we always order subs and stuff.
BRIAN: But I like Chinese food.
GORDON: I say we put it to a vote.
BRIAN: Okay.
GORDON: All those in favor of Chinese.
(BRIAN puts his hand up. Looks around sadly and puts it down.)
GORDON: Italian.
(GORDON, DRAKE, TONY, and FRANK all put their hands up.)
GORDON: Italian it is. And now for the difficult choice. Which place do we want to order from. I prefer Pizza Pizza.
FRANK: I love Prominent Pizza.
TONY: You have an unnatural obsession with their garlic bread.
FRANK: But it is so very, very good.
DRAKE: But everything else about the place just sucks, especially the pizza.
GORDON: The best pizza is from Pizza and Stuff.
DRAKE: No it isn’t. Palermo’s Pizza is the best by far.
BRIAN: Wait. There are four different pizza places that you order from.
TONY: No.
BRIAN: Okay.
TONY: There are five. We didn’t mention The Pizza Place yet.
BRIAN: There are five Pizza Places in this town.
GORDON: Actually there are like eight. But the other three are either too expensive, or the food is the worst tasting stuff on earth.
FRANK: Or in the town at least.
TONY: We still have to make a decision about food.
FRANK: I say we just order from Pizza and Stuff. It has good Garlic Bread, and the rest of the stuff is good as well.
GORDON: Fine.
DRAKE: Okay.
TONY: Sure.
BRIAN: I guess so. But I still want Chinese.
FRANK: I’ll try to say this in as nice a way as possible. Shut up Brian.
BRIAN: Sorry.
FRANK: So, who is going to be ordering?
GORDON: Not me.
TONY: No thanks.
DRAKE: Look somewhere else.
BRIAN: I don’t want to.
FRANK: Brian, you call.
BRIAN: Why me?
FRANK: Duh! You’re the new guy. It’s your duty as the newbie.
BRIAN: What do you guys want?
FRANK: Chicken finger dinner, no salad, extra bread.
TONY: Large chicken parm Sub, extra provolone.
DRAKE: Large steak and cheese, and a large side of fries.
BRIAN: Wait I’ll this all down.
(BRIAN gets a piece of paper and a pencil and writes feverously for a few second.)
BRIAN: Gordon?
GORDON: Large buffalo chicken pizza.
BRIAN: Okay. Got it. What’s the number?
DRAKE: 555-1138
BRIAN: One, one, three eight. Where’s the phone?
GORDON: By the fridge.
TONY: And grab more soda’s while you’re in there.
(BRIAN exits)
GORDON: He’s doing better now.
FRANK: But honestly, Chinese food?!?
GORDON: I know, not my idea of good food, but he can have his own opinion.
DRAKE: I still think we should get rid of him.
TONY: He’s doing pretty well.
DRAKE: Maybe, but he is still annoying.
FRANK: If we got rid of him, then who would be at the front of the party, taking all the blows and stuff. IT sure as hell wouldn’t be me. I am an archer, and need my space.
TONY: I’m a wizard, at this point if a sword gets swung in my direction I am going to die.
GORDON: And you are much for combat skills Drake. Or should I say Alyssa.
TONY: What’s up with that Drake?
FRANK: What kind of freak would role-play a character of the opposite sex?
DRAKE: Just because I am trying to expand my role-playing prowess does not mean you idiots get to make fun of me.
GORDON: Expand his role-playing prowess. I bet he just likes the idea of being a girl.
FRANK: The closest he’ll ever come to getting to know one. In that Biblical sense of course.
DRAKE: As if any of you could talk.
(BRIAN re-enters carrying sodas.)
BRIAN: What are you guys talking about?
TONY: About how Drake here is a weirdo for trying to “role-lay” a girl.
FRANK: He’s trying to get in touch with his feminine side.
BRIAN: I think that it is a cool idea.
DRAKE: Thanks Brian.
BRIAN: You’re welcome Drake.
TONY: Let’s get back to the game shall we.
FRANK: Let’s do it.
GORDON: Let’s assume you make it back to town in one piece you guys need to figure out how you are going to get new supplies and who is going to pay for them.
(Light go down on stage right, and come up on stage left. All four characters are standing milling about and talking to each other.)
MALEOS: I say that Thugor should pay for them.
THUGOR: But I don’t have enough money to buy all of them
MALEOS: Fine, I’ll spot you and you can pay me back.
THUGOR: Aren’t we supposed to be a team?
ESTINOR: The guy makes a good point.
ALYSSA: Maybe we should all just chip in and pay for it evenly.
ESTINOR: Hello. Hello, Alyssa? Is that you in there? I did not just here those words come out of your mouth.
ALYSSA: You did.
MALEOS: That must be, like the sixth sign or something.
THUGOR: The sixth sign of what?
ESTINOR: The apocalypse.
THUGOR: And that’s a bad thing huh?
MALEOS: You might say that. The end of the world, destruction, death, ect.
ALYSSA: So are we all going to chip in evenly?
THUGOR: I like that idea.
MALEOS: Of course you would. But what’s fair is fair.
ESTINOR: I suppose we should do that, here’s my share.
GORDON: Wow.
(Lights go down on stage right and come up on stage left.)
GORDON: I cannot possibly believe that you guys agreed on something that quickly. That has got to be a record of some sort.
BRIAN: Was that really fast or something?
TONY: Normally we are sitting here for hours arguing it down to the copper piece. That’s one-hundredth of a gold piece.
FRANK: That certainy was fast. Drake normally argues on for hours.
TONY: What was with that Drake?
DRAKE: I just decided that we should actually get going with the adventure. What does a few gold pieces matter now, when we have treasure beyond our wildest dreams waiting ahead.
GORDON: That was pretty good Drake. So you guys bought the supplies and stuff. And are all prepared for your journey. DO you guys want to skip all of the wondering and jump right ahead to the Cave of No Return?
TONY: I thought it was the Cave of Obvious Destruction.
FRANK: No you idiot. It is the Gem of Obvious Destruction. And we were headed for the Cave of Certain Doom.
BRIAN: Why is that not a very comforting thought?
DRAKE: I don’t know, maybe because it is the Cave of Certain Doom.
GORDON: All right. Now, do you guys want to skip all of the wandering through the forest and get straight to the cave?
DRAKE: Sure.
TONY: Why not?
FRANK: Sounds good to me.
BRIAN: I’m all for it.
GORDON: Good then. You travel through the forest for a few days and then you happen upon the entrance to a cave. There are marking above the entrance to the cave. They are in some archaic language. Upon examination they read. “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”
(Lights go down on stage right and up on stage left.)
MALEOS: “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.” That’s not a very comforting thought now is it?
ESTINOR: Definitely not.
ALYSSA: I don’t like the looks of it.
THUGOR: It can’t be all bad. I mean, we wouldn’t have been sent on a quest when there was no hope of survival, would we?
MALEOS: I don’t know, desperate times call for desperate measures, and with the war going on, things are certainly looking desperate.
ESTINOR: That may be, but we are among the greatest warriors in all the land. We are the group of destiny. We must survive. We will survive. There is no doubt about that in my mind.
ALYSSA: I don’t know if I am as confident as you are, but I was promised great rewards, and if that means I have to face this cave, then so be it.
THUGOR: I figure that we have come too far to turn back now. We have been through so much already. I am ready to go if you guys are.
ALYSSA: So were are all for it.
THUGOR: Yes.
MALEOS: Of course.
ESTINOR: Let us go. But the cave is small and we must walk single file. We must choose the order in which we enter.
THUGOR: I’ll go first; I am the best at close quarters combat.
ESTINOR: I will follow you. With my archery skills I can shoot around you and still him whatever comes in front of us.
MALEOS: My magic can be cast from far away. But I still need to be able to see where I am casting my spells. So I will go next.
ALYSSA: And I will bring up the rear guard. Just incase any sort of nasty surprises attempt to sneak up on us from behind.
THUGOR: Are we all set?
ESTINOR: Ready as I’ll ever be.
MALEOS: After you gentlemen.
(The three of them exit. ALYSSA lingers.)
ALYSSA: This may not be that bad after all. “Once more unto the breach dear friends. Once more.”
(BLACKOUT)