Title:Poltergeist
Author:Obi the Kid
Feedback:Always appreciated : Obi the Kid
Rating:PG
Category:Humor
Timeline:Pre-TPM
Archive:Please ask first
Disclaimer:The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
Note: HUGE references to the movie "Poltergeist" and "Poltergeist 2" in this one. So if you haven't seen those movies, it might be a bit confusing.

Obi: Master I am not going back in that room.

Qui: Obi-Wan there is nothing in there. Your stories of long armed clowns and man-eating trees are a bit of a stretch, even for you. You are not sleeping in the common area, nor will you sleep in my bed.

Obi: Then I will sleep in the tub.

Qui: No, you will not. I want you changed and in that bed in five minutes. Understand?

Obi: Fine. But if you find me tomorrow morning, staring at the holo-vid monitor repeating the words 'they're here' over and over, do NOT say that were not warned.

Qui: Bed! NOW! That is the last time I let Bren take you to the horror-vid show. There is not a poltergeist in your room.

Obi: You obviously haven't looked in my closet.

Qui: You don't have a closet.

Obi: That is my point!

Qui: GO TO BED!

(Obi-Wan goes wandering off towards his room. He peeks around the corner.)

Obi: Hello Mr. Clown? Little blonde girl? You can go away now. I have to sleep. You heard Master Qui-Gon. Just don't look under the bed Kenobi, don't look. He's under there, but won't hurt you if you don't look. Okay, that's it. My bed. Ahhhhhhh. No clowns, no trees, no blonde children. Whew.

(Meanwhile Qui-Gon calls Master Bren on his comm-link)

Bren: I can't help it Qui, the kid was bored out of his mind. And the only thing playing was that one about the blue ghostie that haunts that family.

Qui: You do know that he suffers from nightmares after things like this? He's already started on me about evil clowns and deadly trees. And that's before he even tried to sleep.

Bren: I'm sorry. But whatever you do, stay out of the kid's closet.

Qui: He doesn't HAVE A CLOSET!!

Bren: Well then, you have a serious problem don't you?

Qui: You are NO help at all.

Bren: You really need to learn to control the stress in your life. Master Brazo teaches a stress management class...and...

Qui: The only stress I have in my life are you and the boy. My hair was brown before I met you two.

Bren: Yes, I love you too. Now, back to the real problem...

(They were interrupted by a scream.)

Qui: Hang on, he's flipping out right now.

Obi: MASTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! They've got me! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Master, I see a light. It's so blue. They are reaching for me master.

Qui: NO! OBI-WAN, DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!

Bren: Qui, what's going on? QUI????

Obi: HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Mmmmmaasterrrr....

(Qui-Gon raced to the door, but couldn't budge it open.)

Qui: Obi-Wan open the door! OBI-WAN?

(Finally he forced the door open. He was struck by what he saw. All of his padawans belongings were floating around the room, and a bright blue light shown out from the closet. Kenobi was nowhere to be found.)

Qui: When did he put in a closet? Obi-Wan, where are you?

(Bren comes running in.)

Bren: What the? This is a new look for his room, isn't it?

Qui: He's gone. He was yelling, then nothing.

Bren: I thought you said he didn't have a closet.

Qui: He doesn't, well, he didn't until now.

Bren: It's nice, roomy too. But you could tone down the blue light a bit.

Qui: Bren? Hello? My padawan is missing and until five minutes ago, there was no closet there. Something happened to him.

Bren: Nah, he's probably just hiding in there. Go look.

Qui: No way. You go.

Bren: He's your kid. You lost him. Now find him.

(Just then, they heard the faint, squeaky voice of the student. It seemed to be coming from the ceiling.)

Obi: Mmmmmmaster. Where are you master? I can't see you.

Qui: Obi-Wan, I can hear you; you should be in bed.

Obi: Clowns...trees...light...I see a light master.

Bren: Don't let him go near it Qui.

Qui: Stay away from the light padawan.

Obi: But, it's so cool looking. There's a man here master. He wants me to look into his eyesssssssss.

Bren: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Don't do it kid! Run away from him. HURRY!

Obi: Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Bren: You're gonna lose him Qui.

Qui: I see the gray going from my hair already.

Obi: Mmmmmmmaster...he's offering mush...I have to goooooooooo...

Bren: Oh damn. He's gone. Blue lights and mush. How could anyone refuse that?

Qui: Gone? What do you mean? He can't be gone.

*********

(Bren sat with Qui-Gon that night as they attempted to contact the apprentice again.)

Bren: I think we need to get help. Don't they have people who handle this type of thing?

Qui: Don't ask me, this has never happened before. How was I supposed to know he was installing a closet? His usual problems usually just center around mush.

Bren: Clowns, closets, trees and blue lights. How you two ever make it back from missions, I will never know. Flip on the monitor, get our minds off what's going on around here.

Qui: I would like to keep my mind on it. My apprentice is floating around in the ceiling somewhere. I want him back.

(Bren bent down to turn the monitor on. The only thing on the screen was fuzz.)

Bren: Great reception you have here Qui. Nothing but snow.

(A small voice sounded...it seemed to be coming from the monitor itself.)

Obi: Mmmmmaster...

Qui: Obi-Wan? Where did that come from?

Obi: Mmmmmmaster...

Bren: Um...he's on channel three.

Qui: What?

Bren: Listen. Channel three...you hear him. Channel four, you don't.

Qui: Well put it back then! Obi-Wan, where are you?

Obi: I'm scared master. Although they've got great food up here. And they hug a lot. Actually, it's not that bad. You should come up here. I bet they would really like you.

Qui: Obi-Wan, I want you to come home. I will give you mush. Come down here now.

Obi: I can't master. They won't let me leave. OW! He grabbed by braid...NOOOOOOOOOOOOO...pulling me towards the light. MASTERRRRRRRR...rrrr...

Bren: Gone again. What are you doing?

Qui: There is a hole in the ceiling, I am throwing tennis balls into it.

Bren: Okay. Why?

Qui: To see if they come back...I DON'T KNOW! I just had a sudden urge to do this. What's that noise?

Bren: Sounds like barking. When did you get a dog?

Qui: What's a dog?

Bren: Awwww...he's beautiful Qui. But, why is he barking at the ceiling?

Qui: He can sense Obi-Wan. He knows where he is.

Bren: Nah, I think he just wants the tennis ball. Forget the dog, we need help. Come on.

Qui: I can't leave him here. He hates blue lights and clowns. I'll go into the closet after him.

Bren: No, I don't think you will. Stay here with me Qui.

(Just then, the door burst open and a small, green munchkin creature wandered in.)

Bren/Qui: YADDLE?

Yaddle: Sense it I did, that this house talks to me, it does. Speaks through me it can.

Bren: Riiiiiight.

Yaddle: A non-believer you are. Clean this house I shall.

Qui: I don't need it cleaned, I just want my apprentice back.

Bren: Actually Qui, if you taken a peek around, it could use a good cleaning. Looks like a tornado hit this place.

Yaddle: Fools! Clean this house I will of the demons that seek to harm it.

Qui: What?

Bren: Oh, I get it, she's gonna kill the bad guys.

Qui: Why didn't she just say that?

Yaddle: Preyed on you it has. I feel an evil presence coming from that room there.

Qui: That is Obi-Wan's room. He's not really evil, just a bit confused it all.

(They followed Yaddle into the bedroom, and watched her as she examined every corner.)

Qui: What is she doing?

Bren: You got me. Where did she come from, she just appeared at the door.

Qui: Strange little troll. Sounds like she's been sucking on helium.

Yaddle: SILENCE! The boy's life-force is weak. Being overcome by the blue he is. Work quickly we must.

Bren: And talk backwards we shall.

Yaddle: When was the last time you heard the boy?

Qui: Last night. His voice was coming through the monitor in the common area.

(The short troll slid through the door and out to the common area. There, she began playing with the channels on the monitor.)

Bren: He tends to show up on channel three.

(But Yaddle kept flipping until she came upon what she sought.)

Qui: A holo-soap? Um...excuse me, we don't have time for this.

Yaddle: Watch the 'Young and the Forceless' I must. Only then, my mind, centered it will be.

Qui: This is foolish. Obi-Wan is scared and is...somewhere...and she is watching...

Bren: Relax Qui. Those nasty veins on your forehead are popping out again. Come here, let me offer you a neck rub. Sit, but not next to the helium troll.

Qui: Ahhh...that feels good. Thank you. But...but...I miss him. I want him home. He's been sucked up into a non-existent closet and now I don't know where he is.

Bren: We'll find him.

Yaddle: Go into the closet you must. Go NOW! All are welcome. All are welcome. Follow the light children.

Bren: This woman has problems.

Yaddle: The closet is the center. Follow the light he must or lost forever he will be.

Qui: I can't go in there. That creepy clown is there. Him and his long arms. I can't do it.

Bren: Well, I'm certainly not going in there. I have this sudden fear of blue.

Yaddle: Well then, leave I will. Toddles.

Bren: Toodles?

Qui: WAIT! Okay, I'll go, jeez.

Yaddle: Love him you do not.

Qui: I do too. I just have a hard time saying it.

Obi: Mmmmmmmmaster. Help me master.

Bren: This is all my fault. I should have never taken the kid to see that movie. It's all playing out the same. I'm sorry Qui. I'll go. You stay here, get ready to catch him when he comes flying out.

Qui: No, I'll go. He'll respond to me.

Bren: I got it. It's no big thing. Let me go.

Qui: No Bren, I am going.

Bren: No you're not. I am.

Qui: Oh no you don't. He is my apprentice. I will go.

Bren: Look Qui...

Yaddle: Enough! Fading he is. Flip a coin we will. (Coin flips in the air, Qui calls heads. It came up tails.)

Bren: HA! I won!! WOOHOO!!! :P'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Qui: Oh that's real classy. Fine, you go. But you better find him.

Bren: You're so cute when you're angry. Okay freaky troll woman, what do I have to do?

Yaddle: Tie this rope around your waist, and go into the light.

(She turned to look at Qui-Gon.)

Qui: Don't look at me. You said you wanted to go find him. Happy hunting.

Yaddle: Step into the closet you will.

(Bren disappeared into the closet. The blue lights became brighter, protesting her presence.)

Bren: Obi? Hey kid, where are you?

Obi: Hi Master Bren. What's up?

Bren: I've come to save you.

Obi: Why?

Bren: Um...because the blue poltergeist guy got you.

Obi: Oh yeah...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!

Bren: We have to aim for that hole in the ceiling. This closet is just too weird.

Obi: That's such a long way down.

Bren: Your master is gonna catch us.

Obi: Uh huh. Sure. And you believe him?

Bren: Well, no not really. WHOAAAAAAAAA! WHO IS THAT?

(A tall dark-haired Irish man approaches the pair. His long arms reaching out for them.)

Obi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RUNNNNNNNNNNN!! He is EVIL! Run Master Bren!

Bren: Oh, man. I don't think...OW!

Obi: Get up off the ceiling. Come on! Don't let him touch you.

Bren: I can't stand up Obi. I keep falling over. THUD! OW!

Obi: He had the same effect on me. Don't let him brainwash you. RUN!

Bren: Obi, I need cold water or something. This is just too much. Those eyes, that voice, that face...oh wow!

Obi: Okay, I hate to do this to you, but it's the only way to save you. WHACK! (Obi smacks the master upside the head.) RUNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Bren: AH! He's changed into...oh no...it's...it's Leonardo DiCraprio. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Obi: I told you he was evil. Can't act either. And he's over paid and has only got a career because of that one movie...and...

Bren: Shut up kid! Let's get out of here! On the count of three we jump through the hole. One...two...threeeeeeee...Heads up Stretch!

Qui: I got it...I got it! BAM! Okay, maybe I don't.

(Bren an Obi are slammed onto the floor, covered in some kind of blue ooze.)

Bren: Nice catch Qui. Kid, you okay? (Obi-Wan was plastered to Bren's side. His arms wrapped around her, he didn't want to let go.)

Obi: Huh? What happened? We're not in Kansas anymore are we?

Bren: No, I don't think so. Get off me.

Obi: I can't move. This blue stuff is nasty. It's all sticky. Master, help me.

(Trying to pry the apprentice off of the master was impossible, so using the Force, Qui-Gon lifted them both into the air, and into the tub. He used the water spray from the showerhead to free them of the ooze.)

Obi: See Master Bren, you got your cold water after all.

Qui: Okay, Obi-Wan, give me your hand. Easy. There you go. (Obi-Wan immediately strangled Qui-Gon's waist in a tight hug. One that the master returned.) I missed you padawan.

Obi: I missed you too master.

(Yaddle came puttering into the bathroom. She held up her hands and looked up.)

Yaddle: This house is clean.

Obi: Is that Yaddle? What's she doing here?

Qui: Yes, and don't ask. Come now, let's get you cleaned up and into bed.

Bren: Um...hello? Qui? Can you help me outta here please? This stuff is slippery. I can't stand up. Hello? Qui? Obi? That is the LAST time I EVER save that kid from a poltergeist.

*********

(It was late that night when strange things began happening. Obi-Wan was curled up next to his master on the couch. Bren was flaked out in her favorite chair.)

Obi: Master? What's that noise?

Noise: Let me in.

Qui: What noise padawan. I don't hear anything.

Noise: Let me in.

Obi: It's coming from outside the door. Go see.

Noise: Let me in.

Qui: Not on your life. Just let it stay out there. I've had enough entertainment for this week.

Noise: Let me in.

Bren: What IS that sound? Sounds like mumbling. You better check that out,

Noise: Let me in.

Qui: Oh, and you can't get up to see what it is?

Noise: Let me in.

Bren: Not my house Qui. I'm just visiting.

Noise: Let me in.

Qui: Okay. (He began walking towards the door.) Don't see why I am the only one with working legs in the apartment. (The door slides open. On the other side stood Council Member Poof.)

Obi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! POOFY!!!!!!!!! Don't let him mock you master...no...don't...

Poof: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Poof grabbed for Qui-Gon, taking a hold of his head, and stretching it upwards.)

Bren: Um Qui, I don't think you're neck is supposed to move in that direction. Qui?

(A few minutes later, Qui-Gon turned around. His head had been pulled up, and his neck was now two feet long. He reached for Obi-Wan.)

Qui: Come to me padawan. You can be one of us. We will rule the galaxy. Let me in.

Obi: Master?

Bren: Too late Obi, they got him. He's a Poof now. Just like the rest of us.

Obi: Us? (Obi-Wan questioned the teacher as her neck began to stretch.) Master Bren, you?

(They all began closing in on the padawan. Within seconds, hundreds of other Poofs appeared. They moved towards the boy.)

Obi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (He sprang up from the couch and look around frantically. Short, quick breaths were the only sounds in the room. Qui-Gon who had been sound asleep next to him, awoke when his apprentice screamed.)

Qui: Obi-Wan, what's wrong?

(The boy looked over at his master, and put his hands on his face and neck.)

Obi: You're...you...you're not a Poof. Head not filled with helium, neck is normal length. Master Bren is sleeping. Quiet. No voices or small trolls running around the house...okay...you're okay Obi...relax. It was just a dream...a very bad and freaky dream.

Qui: Padawan, what happened?

Obi: I had a dream that my closet swallowed me, the clown attacked me, I ended up in the ceiling running from blue lights. Mr. Poof was at the door saying...let me innnnnnn...then...then...he grabbed you and made you into one of him...long neck...then Master Bren...long neck...and you came after me, hundreds of poofs...everywhere...reaching for me...grabbing me...then...then...

Qui: Then?

Obi: I don't know, I woke up. Oh wow. I am never falling asleep again.

(Qui-Gon inched towards his apprentice, and grabbed him in a hug.)

Qui: Relax padawan, relax. It was just a bad dream.

Obi: I don't want to see Mr. Poof ever again. Or Yaddle. Please don't make me.

Qui: Shhhh. Why don't you wait to see Yaddle?

Obi: She freaks me out.

Qui: I see.

Obi: Can I sleep in your room for the next few nights?

Qui: We will see. Is your room that scary?

Obi: Yes. I can't go in my closet anymore. It's just to frightening.

Qui: Padawan, (wrapping his arms tighter around the boy) you don't have a closet.

Obi: Oh no. That's how this whole thing started.

Bren: What's going on? Why are you two snuggling on the couch without me?

Qui: Obi-Wan had a nightmare that you and I became a Poof alien, and that his closet swallowed him.

Bren: Oh, that's nice. (She takes a HUGE yawn) You don't have a closet Obi.

Obi: Master can we take a vacation?

Qui: To where?

Obi: Anywhere.

Bren: He doesn't look good Qui. Maybe...

(Yaddle came strolling out of the bedroom, Mr. Poof on her heals. Both were smiling as a blue light surrounded them.)

Yaddle: This house is clean.

Poof: BOO!

Obi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Bren: If the kid had nightmares before, he ain't seen nothing yet.

END