By: Jeannie Chiasson

      Her final scream and the sound of the knife hitting bone echoed over and over in Kassandra's ears, melding with her own silent screams. She was trapped. Stuck between a memory she didn't own, and a reality her mind couldn't accept as real. As with times before, the blessed darkness and numbness descended, and both realities disappeared into the void of her mind. The darkness enveloped her, blocking everything else out.
      Kassandra's awareness returned very slowly. First came hearing. A voice, distant, but getting closer, was saying her name, and talking about TV or something.
      "He doesn't even realize," she thought, "Why can't he see that I'm not moving or reacting?"
      The next sense to return was feeling; the awareness of the bed under her, the soreness in her wrists, the pain in her shoulders, her knees in an uncomfortable position, and the knots.
      Then, the most painful sense returned; memory. She wasn't exactly sure what had happened, she never was when she blacked out, but she knew that he had tied her up again, the other memory had returned, and now she was lying paralyzed, and he hadn't noticed, as usual. He rarely did notice when she blacked out or got upset, but she couldn't really blame him. He had told her to let him know somehow when something went wrong. The problem was that it was always too late when it became too much for her. The memory of another time hundreds of years ago, of being tied up, raped in a barn, then killed made it impossible to make any sort of signal. Besides, she loved him so much and wanted to make him happy. She thought that doing this would make him happy and that his happiness would save their relationship.
      The truth of reality seemed to be contrary to this however. Though Kassandra kept submitting herself to his fantasies, his depression was not getting better, they were fighting more than ever, and Kassandra was wasting away emotionally. She hated it. The very thought of it made her sick. It hurt physically, mentally and spiritually. She tried so hard to understand it, to understand why it appealed to him. She asked him why, she read things, but she couldn't make any sense of it. Love to her was something mutual, equal and gentle, and it didn't seem to be any of these things to her no matter how much he tried to explain that it was.
      "Kass? Kass? Hey, are you asleep?"
      "Oh good, he finally noticed," she thought.
      She willed the ability to move into her hands, slowly waking up each individual muscle, feeling like she was manually reprogramming a computer or something.
      "Hey, what's wrong?" he said, sounding concerned.
      "What do you think is wrong idiot? What's always wrong?" she asked in her head, still stuck in the void beyond true emotion.
      Once her fingers creaked into motion, she decided her mouth and voice should be next to move before he tried to move her to wake her up or something which would hurt a lot. He didn't understand what was going on when this happened. She didn't really understand it herself, but she knew that rushing into movement was bad. She managed to open her mouth and emit something that was a groan trying to be words. She took a deep breath and tried again.
      "I'll be okay... give me a second."
      More sense of feeling and emotion returned and she wished it hadn't. The pain, the guilt, the knowledge that it was all wrong, all those feelings of the present mixed with the pain of another past was too much to bare and the tears started flowing.
      She curled up into a tight ball, weeping uncontrollably, while he held and rocked her gently, telling her it was okay, asking why she was crying and shushing her softly. She pulled away from him, shaking and a little hysterical, stuck emotionally between present and past, unsure of whether he was friend or foe. Then he started crying, blaming himself for her pain which he didn't understand, apologizing over and over and over until she finally pulled herself together enough to say she was fine. They held each other for a long while and she mused at how safe she felt in his arms, how comfortable it was to just be held.
      "What happened?" he finally asked.
      "That memory came back again and I blacked out."
      She turned away from him and sighed, holding back more tears.
      "It's so painful. Why do I remember something so awful? It's not fair."
      He started sobbing, "It's all my fault. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm selfish and stupid. Why the heck to do you stay with me? I'm so sorry."
      "I'm okay, I'm okay," she whispered with effort, "It's gone now. It's not your fault."
      It's not your fault. How many times had she said that line since this had begun.
      "It's just that memory again. It's getting easier. Don't worry. It's not your fault.

      When she got home that night, her body ached and she felt emotionally exhausted. She knew her parents were worried. She had always been happy and still was some of the time, but recently it seemed that almost every time she came home from his place she seemed withdrawn. She was loosing some of her spark. She denied that there was anything wrong though, or claimed it was stress from school or the weather, or lack of sleep.
      Kassandra went up to her room, laid down on her bed and looked at the ceiling. She felt drained, guilty and confused. She didn't really feel she could talk to anyone because she was too proud and embarrassed. Besides, no one would understand. They would all blame him, think he was abusing her or something. It just wasn't as cut and dry as that. If it were, the solution would be clear. If he ever hit her or anything, she would leave him in a second. But he never did. He loved her and she loved him. One day they would marry and live together happily for the rest of their lives.
      She smiled, looking at her bracelet. It was a Samhain present from two years ago. A small silver band that had come with the promise of an eventual ring. Then she saw her wrist under it and her smile vanished into tears. There were two red bands running around her wrists and a small amount of duct tape gum stuck on the hairs of her right wrist. Was she going to have to live with this for the rest of her life? The very thought made her cry harder still.
      She kept hoping it was a phase, a passing fancy that would work out of his system and then everything could go back to the way things used to be. They were so happy at one time. She remembered a time when they didn't fight, and just being with him was enough to make him happy. That was back before she even knew what it was, before the nightmares had started to haunt her when she was sleeping and awake.
      "Goddess give me strength. What should I do? My path seems so obscured. Give me some sort of sign. Tell me what to do. Tell me what is right."
      Even as she said this, she knew this wasn't the way things worked. She had to do this for herself. The Goddess would help her out and try to guide her, but it was up to her to decide what was right and wrong. She was in charge of her own destiny.
      Spying her tarot cards, Kassandra wiped her eyes, got up, picked up her cards, thought of her problem and laid out ten cards in front of her.
      Perhaps the Goddess wouldn't come out and tell her what to do, but the truth of her relationship was put as plainly and obviously as possible in the cards. It was all there; the nightmares, the stagnant feeling, the confusion, the guilt, other people's ideas about how perfect their relationship was, and a possible new beginning. There were a few cards whose meaning weren't clear, and, as with most tarot readings she did for herself, the overall meaning of the reading could be a few things. What she saw were two possible outcomes. Either something would happen that would change their relationship, giving them a new, better beginning, or the relationship would end and she would find her own new beginning. It made much more sense to read it as a break up, but she wanted to see it as a new beginning with them.
      Later, she would be able to look back and read it like a story of their relationship. Her present position surrounded with nightmares, unable to move forward because she was afraid to change, wanting a new beginning, trying to build castles in the clouds, a happy past, a break down of all she believed within her relationship, a time of beginning, her inner turmoil, how people felt she didn't see him for what he really was, wanting to start over yet fearing it, and finally, going on a spiritual journey to find herself. It would all happen just as the cards said, but at the time, she saw what she wanted to see rather than seeing the whole picture. She put the cards away and decided to wait and see what happened.

      "Happy Birthday Kass!" her friends shouted when Dianna walked downstairs in his house with her birthday cake. As a present for her 18th birthday, Dianna had planned her birthday party with him. This made Kassandra very happy because he and Dianna didn't get along very well. They fought constantly, so any show or friendship between them was a wonderful present. Kassandra was very happy to be surrounded by her friends, but Dianna's smile seemed a little contrived and she avoided him all night. She also seemed to want to tell Kass something, but they never had a chance.
      He seemed a little more clingy than usual, which annoyed Kass who wanted to be with all her friends, not just with him. He never understood that. He saw it as a slight towards him rather than taking it as face value. She tried to ignore his annoyance and enjoy her party.
      After everyone left, he pulled her upstairs for his birthday present. At first they were both having fun, making out playfully, tickling each other, until he managed to pin her arms down. Then the fun went out of it for Kass. Her brain turned off and she went limp. The feelings of guilt and sickness built up in her stomach and she tried to push him away, wanting to stop. He thought she was just playing and held her down harder. Something broke free inside of her and she knew she had to stop him.
      "No, stop it," she said.
      He kissed her mouth hard, thinking she was still playing. She tried to turn her head, but he stopped her. She bit his lip and turned away.
      "No," she said again with more force before he kissed her again, holding her tighter and laughing.
      Finally, she used all her strength and anger to knee him and get away. She instantly broke into tears.
      "What's wrong?" he asked, holding his leg.
      She took a deep breath and, looking at the floor, she said in a low voice filled with anger and betrayal, "Since when does the word 'no' have no meaning."
      He didn't answer. He looked bewildered and afraid as he often did when she got angry.
      "Since when does the word 'no' have no fucking meaning," she asked again slowly, with fire in her eyes, "How the hell am I supposed to trust you when you don't stop when I say no. It's my birthday for Gods' sake."
      She started sobbing, pushing him away when he tried to comfort her. She got up and started gathering up her things, not looking at him. He had curled up on the bed and was just apologizing over and over.
      "Sometimes, sorry just isn't enough."
      "What can I do Kass? What can I do? I didn't know you meant it, I thought you were just playing."
      "That's why I can't trust you. If you can't tell when I'm serious and when I'm playing that's a problem. I'm going home now. I'll talk to you later."
      "Don't leave angry. Please don't leave angry. Please forgive me. I'll never do it again, I promise."
      She looked down at him, the person she loved, and her anger melted slightly. She sat down on the bed next to him and sighed.
      "We really have to talk. Things have to change soon."
      "Anything. Anything you want, love."
      "I don't want to do this any more. It hurts me too much. Please, just find some other way. I know you really like it and everything, but I just can't. Please don't ask me to do it any more."
      "Do what?"
      "You know what I'm talking about."
      "I think I know, but I'm not sure."
      She sighed, hating to even say the word.
      "Bondage... everything. I just.... I can't do it. I.... just can't."
      "Okay, I won't ask you to do it anymore."
      "And you won't just start it without asking?"
      "I won't."
      "Promise?"
      "I promise."

      That night when Kass got home, she logged on to her computer, and turned on her little secret that she kept from him. It had started as a joke, an alternate identity on an instant message service from which she could find out what he was like to other people on-line. She knew he cybered with other people on-line. It bothered her a little, but there wasn't a whole lot she could do about it. So she had created Hecate. The name had been fitting, the dark Goddess of the moon, shrouded in mystery. She had meant to tell him after a week or so, but she just kept getting deeper and deeper into the lie until, as lies go, she didn't feel she could get out of it.
      She saw that he was also on-line and she used this secret for the hidden use she had found. He would tell Hecate what he actually felt. He was angry and disappointed. He had wanted this night to be special and, as usual, it had been ruined. It amazed Kass that two people could be so honest with each other when one thought they were talking to a complete stranger. He opened up to her and told her how he wished she would be more willing to try different things, how he wished she would say what she felt and how he didn't know what to do since she had cut him off from it with her. He even confessed to looking other places to get it in real life.
     Kass also had the added bonus of giving advice and offering "another perspective" that he actually seemed to listen to, which he didn't seem to do much of in real life. It saddened Kass that she felt she had to do this in order to learn about her boyfriends feelings. She hated to lie and keep this a secret, but it was so tempting to use. She knew it was wrong and figured she'd stop using it soon, the guilt was piling up too high.

      Three weeks later things were not progressing, in fact, they seemed to be incredibly stagnant. They were sitting on a his bed, not touching, not talking, just looking at the ceiling. Kassandra felt as if there was a large wall up between them. She wasn't happy with the way things were going, and she was thinking that the only way to change things was to break up. Maybe not a permanent break up, but a few weeks apart, maybe a few months, or a year. They just needed enough time apart to figure out who they were, and Kassandra wanted to experience what it would be like to be with someone else. It's not as though she really had anyone in mind, she just wanted something... different.
      The break up was fairly amiable. They still talked occasionally, went swimming a few times, it was weird, but it wasn't unbearable. That all changed when Kass went away to camp for a weekend with some friends and that's when the tower came crashing down.
      People told Kass things about him she had never known. Things he had said, things he had done over the years they had been together. They told her what they really thought of him and how much they thought he had been bad for her. This all puzzled Kass. She couldn't believe that she had been dating someone that had done all these things for years. How could this all be true? If it were, how could she trust her judgment? If it wasn't, how could she trust her friends? She did love him. She saw something in him that no one else saw. He kept it deep inside, but she knew it was there and that was what she loved. She loved how much he cared about her, and how safe she felt in his arms. She loved his eyes and his hands. She loved how he said her name, and she loved the way he looked at her when he was happy. How could she be wrong about all those things? She figured that it had just be a matter of perspective. They just didn't know him the way she knew him. They didn't understand.

      "Hey Kass, how was your weekend?" asked Dianna on the phone when she returned.
      "It was so amazing. I really wish you could have gone. You would have absolutely loved it," Kassandra replied.
      She sat on her bed while she told Dianna about her weekend, mentally packing up her stuff for school.
      "But it was odd, everyone kept telling me stuff about him. I mean, was I that blind? You're my bestfriend. I know you never really like him much, but I figured that's just because he always took time away from you. Did you feel about him the way everyone else did?"
     There was a long, uncomfortable pause before Dianna answered.
      "Um, actually, there's something I have to tell you."
      "What?"
      "Well, remember that day we planned that party for you? Well, he kinda asked me to... he wanted to cheat on you with me. I thought he was joking at first, but he was serious."
      "What! What did you say?"
      "I turned him down flat of course! I wouldn't do that to you, and I wouldn't be interested even if you weren't dating him."
      "Oh my Goddess. How.... why.... I don't understand this."
      "There's more."
      "What? What else could there be?"
      "He asked me again. After you broke up, he asked me again. I said no again. I can't believe he had the nerve."
      "Why didn't you tell me this before."
      "Well, the first time, it was your birthday. I planned on telling you after. I didn't want to ruin your night. I just forgot about it, and then it didn't seem to matter any more. But when he asked again... I had to tell you."
      "Did I date a lie? How could I have been so blind? How could he be so stupid? Did he expect you not to tell me?"
      "I guess. He is pretty stupid. I'm sorry Kass. I should have told you sooner."
      "It doesn't really matter now. I'm going to kill him, but it doesn't really matter."
      "I'll hold him, you hit him."
      "Sounds like a plan.

      That night after yelling at him and crying and trying to understand it all, Kass couldn't sleep. The nightmare returned and she relived what she could only assume was a past life. She knew every sight and smell by heart. The circumstances surrounding the rape were vague, but the feel of the wood and straw under her might have just as well been real, along with the rasp of his breath, the ropes cutting into her wrists, and the feeling of total and utter helplessness. The final knife blow came as almost a relief and Kass brought her self back to reality and laid on her bed sweating and shaking.
      "Why do I remember something so terrible? What is the purpose?"
      She laid awake for a long time, mulling over the memory, trying to figure out what possible purpose it could serve. She was a firm believer that everything happened for a reason, and that from everything something could be learned. As she lied there, she pulled together several things, the tarot reading, the things her friends had told her, the memory, her feelings, and her experiences.
      Everything other than her feelings of love towards him told her that she should forget about him and get on with her life. The memory seemed to be a warning against him and what he wanted from her.
      She remembered the first time they had tried it and how much she hated itthen. That should had been the end of things. That should have been enough to tell her that it wasn't a good idea. Why had it taken her so long to finally put her foot down for once and for all? She always felt she was a strong person, but the fact that she had put up with this for so long seemed to say otherwise.
      After thinking it over for a while, she came to a kind of realization. The memory had been a warning. She thought of a saying someone had said that had really struck a chord with her. "The only bad mistakes are those we don't learn from. If we don't learn from our mistakes, then we are doomed to repeat them." Somehow she had made a mistake in the past that she had just spent a couple of years repeating. And now, by coming to this realization, she knew that she had the oppertunity to learn from the mistake this time, and change her path so that she would never make that mistake again.

Any comments on this story? E-mail me [email protected]
Copyright © Jeannie Chiasson MMIII
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