a brief bio of the pagemaker

... jean linh chi nguyen... jeannguyen

isgenuineneverafraidtosmileorlaughaim

differentanduniqueborntheyearoftheox

i am alive

genuine words...

my picture of the moment...

as of 04.05.04

Wouldn't wanna be in that situation would you? CHARGE!!

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a g e n u i n e w o r l d

"We have to earn our

wings

every day."

-Anonymous

themonthofcancerfullofnostalgiaandstubbornnessican

neversitstilliwillneversitstilliamaliveihave

freewillihavestrengthihaveenergyihavea

soulihavethedeepestdesireinmeifeelthesen

sationburninginmeiamaloveriamascholari

amabitchiamachildiamawinneriamafailur

eiwillalwaystryiwontevergiveupihavenosh

ameiwillsucceedbecauseiamjeannguyen

iamproudiamstrongiambeautifuliaminte

lligentiamambiguousiamrealiamfree

iamawoman

October 3, 2004
Finally. An entry that lets the sun shine.
I am loved.  =)

September 14, 2004 1:06 am
Here's my update:
You NEVER hang up on a girl who is crying.
There's no way of going back.
Talk about fucked up.

August 22, 2004
Sometimes I feel like the current milk in my refridgerator: EXPIRED. I just sit there, between all the other happy, healthy things, waiting to get disposed.
Why do we consistently tell ourselves that we give up, fuck it, I'm not gonna try anymore, when deep down you know it's not true, and you continue to try? What's the point?
I find myself doing this constantly--alternating between episodes of melancholy to optimistic normalcy.  No, I'm NOT bipolar. My spirits sink many times. Perhaps it's just me and my standards of life. Expectations. Fulfillment. Things that are seemingly easy to accomplish but reality makes it difficult to obtain. And the reality is that all people are different.
Although it is easy to comprehend, I find it difficult to live with. We continue to tell ourselves that everyone is different and diversity is beautiful. It is. It depletes monotony. But it creates turmoil. Why? Because of our expectations and standards.
Those of you that know me... we all know that I'm am always stressed, organized, never procrastinating, therefore... always up to par and extremely conscientious with choices. Elaborate thinking, exaggerated responses, and often... steaming anger. Being up to date and super organized and never procrastinating honestly SUCKS.
This extremely general argument, one that all can relate to, narrows down to my current primary problem, and I will explain in a story:

He knows he hurts her by forgetting to do the things he said he would do for her. He knows he hurts her by forgetting important dates-- pretty much he knows he hurts her when he forgets anything of significance. The only thing that leads to his lost memory is the consistent use of drugs. She knows it doesn't harm him in anything else but his memory. She repeatedly tells him how much it hurts her. He knows it hurts her, but he continues to ignore her pleas and does what he wishes. He consumes the drugs and then continues to hurt her. Again. Again. And again.

Then again... everyone is different. That makes the world beautiful right? No monotony... only turmoil, right? Who is to define "significance"? Why is the certain memory significant to her and not him? Why does he continue to ignore her and hurt her?

I don't know why he continues to do the drugs, because he knows how much it tears her up inside.

She's tryng to be accustomed to it. She doesn't want to be the type of girl that forces the guy to do what he doesn't want to do. She doesn't want to be the bitch, and she'd rather have her heart ripped and torn apart to keep him happy because she cares so much. She's trying to lower her expectations and dreams of fulfillment. Basically, she's trying not to care as much anymore so  she would not get hurt. And soon enough, she will be that expired milk in the fridge. Pure and white, yet infected with the pain of being untouched and unnurtured...just waiting. She will always be there for him, but she will continue to wait. Wait, wait and wait.

Waiting to be disposed.

August 21, 2004
Moving back was really stressful. But I'm not going to get into the details of buying this and that. All I need is a mattress now.
So Jeff and Sam came down last Saturday, and just left yesterday. It was fun... couldve been better, couldve been worse. I feel pretty fortunate that I'm close to the beach. It sucks for those people that live in the inner states, like... Oklahoma or something. If people live and grow up there and never move in their entire life, they really missed out on the opportunity of going to the beach.
Recap on this week:
1. Korean bars are not that great. They're more funny than fun, and it's funny to watch the fobs "dance" to Korean pop. I'd rather buy a $15 bottle of alcohol at Albertsons than pay for a $10 shot at a bar any day.
2. Is it just me, or is it more fun to actually drink up with people you really know? I didn't really want to drink up with these people I didn't even know and they seemed like they didn't want to talk to me anyway. So fuck that. Even if I wanted to drink, I'm always designated driver anyway. FUCK!
3. Huntington Beach has better waves than Corona del Mar. By far.
4. Okay, the last day that Sam and Jeff were here was perhaps the worst. You tell me if I'm over-reacting or not, but I believe I have the right to be pretty damn pissed off. Inconsiderate people who don't appreciate anything piss me off so much, you don't even know. I'm the kind of friend that... picks up my own lighter that drunk Sam left behind on the table and almost lost. Then later, he apologetically tells me he left the lighter behind, but then I tell him I took it back and he's delighted, and asks for the lighter he couldve lost so he can take a smoke. Okay, that wasn't too bad but FUCK.  I drove to West Covina from Irvine, which is about 45 minutes away.  Sam, Jeff, and I go to a Japanese bar, which was quite entertaining because of the old ass jap woman trying to get freaky with a 21 year old, and the fact that they played a short episode of porn at a bar, which got everyone rowdy.
Sam and Jeff really wanted to hit up a party that was supposedly poppin in Riverside. And Riverside is another 40 minutes east of West Covina. We all left the bar around 1:15, and get on the freeway. At around 1:20, Sam called his friend in Riverside to see if the party was still poppin. Turned out that a fight broke out and the party was over. So why the fuck was I still driving to Riverside? I even said, "Then what's the point of going? The party is over." Might as well head back to Irvine and not waste my time and gas, right? But like usual, NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME. I swear no one does. You can ask anyone--no one ever listens to me and ends up doing what I told them to do after they wasted their fuckn time and money. Instead of going back to Irvine like any smart fuck would do, Sam persisted we go to Riverside to "chill."
Now you tell me, would you drive all the way to Riverside from West Covina to chill with a bunch of UC Rejects you don't even know? NO. I was already pissed off, cuz Jeff smoked a cigarette in front of me and I didn't even know he smoked a bit. To piss me off even more, I was actually driving to Riverside. Doodoodoo, okay so I'm pissed. We're on the 91 freeway, looking for the exit. I drove for 15 minutes about 80mph, and that's a pretty damn long time on the freeway. Couldn't find the exit. Sam called his friend. Turned out his friends gave us the wrong fuckn directions and we were going the opposite way the whole time. Had to turn around and go back. Jeff and Sam told me that they'd cover my gas cuz I was driving basically Sam's ass around cuz he can't drive manual. Well heres some FEEDBACK: 1. LEARN TO DRIVE MANUAL. and 2. My gas tank is still EMPTY. THanks, you guys, I never got the gas. (Just to let you know, I used up three tanks this one week.)
By this time, tears were burning in my eyes. My anger was boiling over already. USELESS FUCKS. I'm sorry, but these people do not give me a better view of UC Riverside students already. SAM'S FRIENDS ARE FUCKN USELESS FUCKS. THEY DONT HAVE THE COMMON SENSE TO TELL SOMEONE RIGHT DIRECTIONS WHEN SOMEONE IS DRIVING ALL THE WAY FROM WEST COVINA.
By the time we get to the place in Riverside, it is 2:45--instead of 40 minutes, it took an hour and a half to get there from West Covina cuz of the useless UC Reject FUCKS. I was too pissed off to get out of the car, so Jeff and Sam get out to greet Sam's useless friend respectively. I sat in the car, crying silently to myself cuz I'm so fuckn pissed off and stressed out.  Jeff opens the trunk of my car, Sam takes out his stuff. I see them saying their "proper homeboy" goodbye and Jeff gets back in the car and asks me if I want to drive, or if I want him to drive back to Irvine.
Oh... HELL NAWW.
Pretty much, we dropped Sam off at his useless friend's place in Riverside. No party, no chill, just wasted time, gas, and anger. Would YOU drive someone you didn't even know for an hour and a half JUST to drop them off somewhere? What's so inconsiderate is that I'm assuming Sam just really wanted to see his friend, knew we weren't gonna go party or chill (not that I wanted to chill anymore anyway), but didn't want to tell me that cuz he wanted to see his friend so bad. He'd rather have me go thru all the trouble and SHIT just so he could see his USELESS FRIEND. How fuckn inconsiderate. Asshole.
Basically I drove from West Covina to Riverside to drop off an inconsiderate drunk. And the following day, Jeff had to drive to Riverside just to pick him up and then head back to San Jose. Why couldn't his Riverside buddies drop him off in Irvine? Oh yeah, cuz they're USELESS FUCKS. To top it off, Sam didn't even thank me for providing him a home during the week of his stay, he didn't thank me for TAKING HIM TO RIVERSIDE FROM WEST COVINA, he didn't say goodbye to me when he left, and HE DIDN'T APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED.

So that's the kind of friend I am. The kind of friend that picks up things that people leave behind, and later lets them use it again. I'm the kind of friend that cautiously thinks in advanced, when in the end no one listens to me anyway. I'm the kind of friend that no one appreciates.

Well FUCK YOU TOO.

August 6, 2004 4:39pm
Nevermind. i can't wait to go back. my parents talk too much, its fuckn annoying.

August 6, 2004 around 4:00pm
I'm moving back to Irvine tomorrow, August 7th. Summer here was too short. Of course it was, all I did was summer school and work for 6 weeks. Now I'm off to Irvine to do some more summer school. So how was my summer back in San Jose? It was just as I expected, nothing more, nothing less, filled with fun, and now I'm content with satisfaction. I spent time with friends I had not seen in ages, and I spent most of my time with Jeffers. Good times. I got to see Min, Judy, Christine, Drew, Truc, Hang, and a bunch more high school friends last night that I thought I'd never see again. Clubbin last night at Snowdrift was hella fun! It was craazy! Nothing REALLY significant happened that would make last night stand out... but it was like a mini high school reunion, right before going back to Irvine. When I think about it, I did a lot this summer. Especially the first week. The pap smear (yikes!), the wax, that tattoo, getting a job, starting school, getting my car . . . I just have minor problems now with my mom (cuz I always have problems with old, complaining women) and financial issues. Seriously you guys don't know how poor I am now. My mom wants me to buy furniture from the Salvation Army and shit. Do you guys know anyone from SoCal selling used furniture for hella cheap? I have to be extra-super shady with money spending now... like I shouldn't even buy a soda at McDonalds anymore cuz I have no money. *Sigh* This makes me sad. I feel soooo financially disabled. Other than THAT problem, everything is okay I guess. I kind of can't wait to go back, but I also don't want to leave home. I love the weather up here, I love being able to call up random people and see what's up, and I love contacting old friends, seeing the same neighborhood, and reminiscing on good old times. But in Socal... ultimate freedom. No bitchin parents to complain all the time and comparing me to other "better" people. Theres pros and cons to everything. I'm gonna disconnect my computer tonight, so until then... until I get internet again in Irvine... take care.

July 28, 2004
Pity me. Pity my shrunken soul, my batterred heart, my confused mind, my lost soul. I never knew how selfish and ungiving the world was until I was exposed to its dilapidating rays.  I continue to give- I give, I try, and I do so much for those I love, and I do so much more than anyone would do for me, and, in the end, I cry.  My goal is to keep my friends and others of significance happy, and I honestly do whatever it takes to fulfill my own expectations for others' happiness as I hope they do for me.  I never learned my lesson- every recurrence of disappointments shattered my heart, and now my hope is nothing but the remnants of a long-forgotten dream.  Yet I continue to string back together the threads of my gasping heart, refusing to give up. Perhaps someday, my soul will be touched by another's-whose heart is willing to do whatever it takes to fulfill the gratifications and happiness of others.  Throughout these 19 years of my life, I finally realized why I continue to sacrifice for those who would never sacrifice for me- the hope within is still breathing. I have about 60 more years to encounter anyone- man, woman, friend- anyone who would do whatever it takes to keep me happy, just as I would do in return.  I've only lived 1/4 of my life, and I have the remainder of my life for my hope to struggle. I only wish for this hope to mend, to no longer be a long-forgotten dream, to no longer be a dream, but something real, something possible, something no longer intangible so that it can hold me, and exist in my mind for the rest of my life. When someone finally reveals him or herself as the true friend, the friend that would do whatever it takes, my hope will blossom, my dream will be fulfilled, and you can pity me no more.

July 19, 2004
My 19th birthday was fun. It was well spent with good, close friends... but the thing is... TODAY MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! WTF?! I'VE ONLY HAD IT FOR THREE FUCKN WEEKS AND SOME FUCKER HAD TO SMASH A ROCK INTO THE WINDOW. ARGH! I KNOW IT COULDVE BEEN WORSE, CUZ THE FUCKER DIDNT STEAL ANYTHING BUT THE ACURA EMBLEM... BUT HOLY SHIT! NOW I DONT HAVE A WINDOW AND MY PARENTS HAVE TO SPEND A COUPLE BILLS TO PUT IN A NEW WINDOW. THATS SOME SHADY SHIT!

July 4, 2004
*Happy 4 months!
*super busy with school, hanging out with friends and Jeffers, and now WORK  =]
*REMINDER: MY BIRTHDAY IS ON JULY 12TH!!! mwahahaha

June 24, 2004 9:46pm
I'm tired. I went through my week of pain. I am happy. The wax was nothing... the tattooo... oh man it hurt so much...and I hope i get the job! So much happened this week~ I have a car now! I'm happy, it's manual, so I'm HAPPY! =) And tomorrow Jeffers is comin home.... I can't wait to see him and surprise him with my wax and tat! =]  Jeffers, by the time you read this, you're gonna laugh so hard. I love you.

June 21, 2004
Funny. I'm not that stressed, although my schedule is overflowing and overwhelmed with my planned activities. Let's see...
Tuesday: xray my teeth for future wisdom teeth removal, dermatologist, go to Deanza
Wednesday: Pap smear, Brazilian Wax, then get the 95 Integra LS (im so excited!! thanks, Isaac!)
Thursday: Job Interview (wish me luck!), tattoo appointment
FridaY: Jeffers comes home to Jeanie and i get to show him how much i love him! =)

*also friday night, grades come out. I'm so scared. I want to bring my GPA back to a 3.5.. sigh i hope i hope i hope so! I start summer school at deanza on monday... *sigh* and i hope i get that job.. so many things to do... and my summer won't even last that long. I wish I could spend more time with Jeffers.

I am happy... content. OH OH i found this poem i wrote a long time ago. Let me know what you guys think!  =]

March 24, 2001

The world has frozen, everything has ceased
Lips continue to move and dance
but ears refuse to capture the sound
the lasting seconds, these short seconds
will be remembered forever,
although they're only a moment of seconds in life,
but they're still the seconds
of an unheard world, unbreathing life-
unbelievable surivival of the nonrecurring flutter
of a heartbeat.
The mind has refused to think,
and everything is unknown
but these seconds,
these short, unforgotten seconds
of blindness in the eyes, ears, and mind.
Colors refuse to show, sounds swim away,
mind realizes not to think
because of the precious seconds
The life of two become one
in the measure of a blink
when the sun forgets to shine
and the world then remembers
in the seconds
to wake up... to exist
after the souls are released
and the minds to remember these seconds,
the ecstasy within the seconds;
the eyes look up,
the heart beats again,
and the mind remembers forever
the few seconds of the
kiss.

june 19, 2004
It sure feels good to be home. It feels like my bedroom is happy to have me back, and it sure feels great to see the things I saw as a child- ah, it's great to never have had moved, but then again, that fact causes this attachment to my little, cozy house. I'm gonna be sad when I'm old and this house will be occupied by another family.
Whoever is in San Jose- call me up and let's go out! I miss seeing the familiar faces!! You know when you see a friend you haven't seen in a while, you get these emotions that trigger in your head and turn on that switch that plays the history of movies you've had together. I want that again. =]  It's good to be home.
Now... it's my week of PAIN... dentist, dermatologist (no biggie), pap smear (booo), brazilian wax (yikes!), and tattoo... and on top of that, summer school starts soon... gotta check out a car... and then i get to see jeffers. =] i miss u jeffers! come back to me soon!

June 17, 2004 12:38pm
I am happy right now. Please acknowledge the fact that once in a while, I have episodes of mania and become bipolar. Ha. Then I use this site to rant about life. But the thought that has been consistently washing in and out of my mind, like a breaking wave that ripples onto shore and then draws out again, is the topic of ENVY. Yes, envy. Everyone envies, but we all know we shouldn't. It reminds me of that Greek mythology of Pandora's box... where she opens that box and all the evils come out except hope. I love that story... perhaps because it is slightly true. Growing up, young, free of mental bruises, fresh into the world... that is how everyone is. Everyone is born GOOD. But as we further enter this cruel, cold world, the years dilapidate our souls and slowly corrupt us within... unless you're strong enough to hold up a shield and block it all out.  As for most people, we become accustomed to our environment, which is filled with the evils of the world. I used to trust and hope so much, until I entered high school. Don't get me wrong, high school was filled with wonderful memories (hence, the best 4 years of your life), but that's when you definitely learn who your friends are, and the people you love the most can hurt you the most as well. I trusted, I was defied, and again and again I would believe until my hopes and dreams got crushed, washed away along with the other debris in life. This happens to practically everyone, and anyone that can challenge me on that, you are welcome to do so.
Okay now let's go back to ENVY. Before you read my following words, please disregard the thoughts of pride and conceit. I will type as I feel, and I don't want you to think, "Oh, this girl Jean thinks she's the shit." Cuz those of you that know me, of course I don't.
I guess I feel that... I don't have a lot, when I know I do. I'm an American. (Well, Vietnamese American, but overall let's say I'm an American.)  Americans, especially adolescents and teenagers and emerging adults, are so spoiled. We get angry because we can't satisfy our social needs or desires. In other countries, adolescents are struggling to survive and fulfill their biological needs. And here, we rant about money, cars, physical appearance, and the concrete things that we don't need.
Okay now here's the "conceited" part. Growing up, I can say that I grew up with one factor that I will always cherish: talent. TALENT. My artistic ability. I was blessed with that and I hope to carry out my major that involves my talent.  I know I'm relatively outgoing, and I can carry out conversations with others quite well, and I'm sociable.  I never really had any trouble making friends... at least I think I don't.  Throughout elementary school and middle school, I was seriously "the ugly kid." At least... I sure felt ugly and I knew I was ugly too. When I turned 15, I guess puberty hit, and I stopped being less of a tomboy, more of a girl, and my appearance started to change. (I'm still flat, but hey, I'm Asian. haha) My friend told me once I change boyfriends like he changes his shoes, and THAT IS NOT TRUE. But it's a huge deal to me now that... I've changed so much throughout these years--being this ugly kid to now someone who has learned so much about socializing, knowing what a guy expects and being able to get the guy that I want. Throughout high school I can say I never really had any trouble with boyfriends. I'm sorry if that sounds quite conceited but.. yeah that's how I feel. Now in college, I ponder about what I have. I'm happy. I have the guy of my dreams, I'm doing relatively well in school (though I know I can do much better), I have acknowledged talents, and I never have to worry about getting FAT (compared to the white people in the dorms.. haha).  I'll never forget it when in 8th grade, my best friend of that time told me she was jealous of me. And I've had several occasions where... it was hinted that I was envied by others. It feels strange to me... I used to be so different, and I envied so many others. And now... me? Being envied? NO WAY!
ENVY. And it sure feels awkward to envy other people too. I think it's the environment and media that envelops me. I never feel "good enough," constantly comparing myself with others.  And then I feel bad.  I feel bad for envying others for what they have, and what I don't have, but I SHOULD appreciate every step that I'm taking.
We should all appreciate that we are healthy and educated.  We all tend to forget how each breath is so precious-- we usually don't realize it until we're sick, our health has crippled, and the breathing isn't so easy, especially during sleep.  I appreciate my loving family, each step I take, each breath of life that I have, and the fact that I was born untouched by the works of evil. No cancers, no unproportional features, no disabilities.
And yet... I'm so spoiled. Why do I envy the clothes, the shoes, the hair that she has? The car, the money, the job that he has? Or the knowledge and capabilities that others can do that I can't? I KNOW that everyone is different, and everyone knows that too.. but we all forget sometimes that everyone has a different texture of hair, a different skin color, a different scent, a different personality.. thus making our world a beautiful, diverse place.  Differences are cherished... or should be... and yet we all still continue to
ENVY.

June 15, 2004
club and drinks: $25
gas and food: $30
border fees: $5
fireworks: $10
janky motel: $30
partying in rosarito beach during finals week: priceless

MEXICO WAS FUN!! argh now i gotta study for finals. =[

hmm what else? oh yea... fireworks. .. good shit. and running around on the beach in the A.M. was fun too. cant wait to go again.

June 9, 2004
Damn I've been busy. Finals are next week. Good luck everyone!  It doesn't help that I just bought The Da Vinci Code, because I heard it's a good book, and holy shit, it is. It's seriously distracting me.  Jeffers is in China, so now I have this book to read to keep me company. But instead of replacing our nightly phone calls, this book is also replacing my study time! AH!!! I LOVE THIS BOOK! Anyway, I have nothing much to say. Hm. I look forward to the end of the year party... speaking of which, time went by so fast. I'm gonna be a second year in college soon. Wow. I'm fuckn old. I'll be 19 soon. My last year as a teenager. And in 10 years, I hope to be married. Maybe pregnant with a kid. HAHAHAH. I'm naming it JEFF JUNIOR! jp...
I'm really happy that my parents agreed to letting me have a manual car when I get back. Hahah I remember Carolyn's info: "Friends don't let friends drive auto." HAHA. Thanx Randy, for giving me those mini lessons. I'm soooo rusty on manual. Oh MAN! i'm one of those typical Asian girl drivers that can't drive for shit. Watch out you guys! I'm gonna be on the road soon!
I WANT THAT GSR DAMMIT!
Once again, I look at my walls covered in smiles and splendid times. Photos only capture the wonderful moments in life, and these photos are clothing my walls. In about a week, I will need to strip down these photos, baring my walls naked, naked of happiness, and naked with newer memories and happiness to come.  I hope to puncture the happiness and fond memories within the walls of the dormitory into my new home next fall. =]

June 3, 2004 10:34am
It's early... can't sleep. I'm always in so much pain.  I can't cry anymore. All I can do is ponder...
Life. What is it? What is the point of it? Why do I continue to wake up every morning, only to reiterate the measly things that I do, only to face the burdens of everyday ignorance and debt the future holds for me?  Why do I always fall so hard? Why does it always feel like I always love and never get love back? WHY????
It seems like no one is proud of me, there is nothing to be proud of, and I am wasting my parents' money.  I feel horrible that they are spending so much money on my education now, my education and needs for the future, and my needs from the past.  I had done nothing, gained nothing, and deserved nothing.
I don't want to continue life. All the future holds is thousands of dollars owed after college for the student loans, and after that, the bills after bills after bills.  That's the American life. Bills. What's the point of living if that's all I have and nothing else?
No one ever listens to me anyway. What's the point of living with the voice that is never heard?  All I can do is shake my head and suffer the sorrows of life.  I hate what I have, what the future holds for me, and myself. I don't want this anymore.  I can never be happy.  This rotting seed has been planted in me since I learned to love, and is decaying my heart and life.  
Somebody kill me please and give me the joy I've always longed for. No one will acknowledge my death, and I will be forgotten. Inside I am already dead, and others' gazes still look beyond mine. I am already forgotten.
I am dead inside. I want to be dead outside.

June 1, 2004
I'm exhausted. The road trip was fun. But now... finals. Sigh. I can't wait til it's all over, I can't wait to go home, but only cuz I want to see my friends. The image of my mother intruding in my life again makes me shudder. Any of you who have NOT met my mom, you're LUCKY.
Anyway, the weekend was pretty fun. the top of my ass is SUNBURNED from riding with jeff all day on sunday. that was fun. i want to get a bike.. but damn... it sucks to be poor. Really. Now I have to work to help out my own financial needs for next fall. Sigh.
Never knew traffic could be so fun. We were stuck on 152 for about an hour in Gilroy, which sucked, but we made it fun, didn't we? Imagine Omar, Storm, and I opening the doors amid traffic, running around the car two or three times, and then jumping back into the car, bursting into laughter. I'll never forget the WTF looks on the other drivers' faces, and those pointed fingers at our ridiculousness. Good times. About an hour later, we got bored again. Pretty damn fast. So I dared Omar, who was absorbed in his magazine, to stick his body outside the sunroof and continue reading his mag. So he did. He continued to read his magazine for about 2 or 3 solid minutes out the sunroof. Storm and I enjoyed the weird looks the people on the opposite lane were giving us, and the awkward smiles and mugging looks of the gangbanger beaners. HAAHHA.
Any more ideas for traffic fun?
BLAH- gotta study for finals!

May 30, 2004 2:11am
i'm bored. again. read the entry on boredom below.

May 15, 2004
Boredom. It gets to you, just like that. You just sit there and you do what you should NOT be doing: think. Thinking about the times you shouldn't be thinking about, thinking about the possible negative identity you had established for yourself, thinking about the friends that you don't have, and especially thinking about the purpose of life.  You know you do have friends, somewhere, whether they are 400 miles away, or just next door, but you think to yourself... I have no one.  At first it hurts... these thoughts trickled to mind many years ago and you discovered this sort of boredom makes you think, but after a while, this indifference recurs so often, it becomes a part of you. You are accustomed to it and you feel the numbness no more.
If it wasn't for my boyfriend, I'd feel so... I don't know... lost. I fly up every two weeks to see him.  These several days that I get to see him is all that I have... at least that's what I think.  It gets pretty loneley in these dorms, 400 miles or so away from home from my friends who I care for the most.  I look forward to those weekends every two weeks, so I can escape this prison in SoCal and see the one I love.  I am imprisoned behind these walls of loneliness, the freedom I don't use, and the boredom that forces me to think.
As for now, I am obviously bored. This boredom is painful.  I can't wait until I fly back up again to be greeted by contentness and happiness.  I am a sad soul deep inside that only few know about.  I am nothing and I have nothing... I feel rejected by my peers around me, but what hurts the most is that I feel rejected by my own family. You don't know how much it hurts inside to feel you are the disgrace to the family, especially compared to an only sibling who got accepted to every school for college and attends CalTech, or compared to a younger cousin who will be a Bio Major in the fall at Stanford.  My eyes burn and force the tears back as I type these words. My mom's words will always scar my heart--"I wish I had a better daughter" "Others have told me I must be a proud mother to have a son and daughter that go to good schools, but I honestly don't feel that way" and worst of all "I even used a condom and I still had you."
See what this boredom does to you? It makes you think so much about things you shouldn't be thinking about, and at times, you choose to twist things around and make words even more negative.  I feel neglected, rejected, and I have nothing to live for and look forward to except for the times I share with my boyfriend, because that's all I have.  Boredom hurts. At least... that's what I think.

may 9, 2004 10:38pm
okay fine im updating, shit!! had a fun weekend. i got to see christine again so that was fun. oh and best of all, i gotta see jeffers and his bike. this weekend was chill... tiring as usual. this year is coming to an end... i cant wait til summer to spend time with my baby. FUCKn A jeffers u shouldve at least bought a bike that i could ride. ur f4i is like 4 inches too high for me... or even 5 or 6. hahaah. oh well. be safe. dont do stupid shit and end up in a cast like DREW. DREW I TOLD U SO, DONT DO STUPID SHIT ON UR BIKE. man, drew, when r u gonna take me for a ride like u sed u would? and jeffers, keep practicing cuz i wanna ride too!! but dont die! if u die im gonna kill u! =]  i love u!! good luck on finals. i have faith in u!! wish me luck on my midterm(s) and future finals... bLah!

May 6, 2004 10:57
trying to remove a part of me... i dont know if its possible but i will try

April 30, 2004
Pain. That's what I'm feeling- PAIN. The kind of pain that makes you think that happiness perpetually refused to exist, or had once struggled to exist but became enveloped and incarcerated by the dictatorship of pain.  The kind of pain that keeps fluctuating in and out of your soul until it finally decides to take permanent residence and spreads its poison throughout the gasping veins of hope.  The kind of pain... that makes you feel you were never loved or appreciated, or perhaps you once were and you are now put behind, eliminated with other futile wastes of life.  The kind of pain that hurts so bad and continues to stab your heart until that last drop of a burning tear manages to squeeze out of the eye and drips into a lukewarm pool that will evaporate onto your damp soul again.  The kind of pain that stings and numbs until you can feel no more. I am dominated. All I feel is pain. Pain has taken me.

April 26, 2004 2:28pm
It's HOT! And midterms are coming up! Whoo Hoo! Man I had a fuckn fun ass weekend! I cooked wontons for my baby... and SATURDAY was such a long, fun day. Fuckn traffic made us wait for an hour to cross the bay bridge, and then we finally made it to the SF ZOO. Lion feeding time was fun! I know people don't go to the zoo these days but everyone should- it's hella chill.  sooooo lets see SF zoo~> stow lake at golden gate park ~> vista point.. was it??? ~~> san jose and spaghetti factory ~~> then back to berkeley and got HIGH. blah! oh, jeffers u should tell scott to fuckn knock next time. hahahhaha.  this entry is pretty pointless- i just wanna document this so i won't forget what happened. but anyway if ur NOT jeff, stop reading wat im gonna say. hahahah. jeffers, im sorry for being bipolar on u. (haha) i feel bad for making u feel bad for stupid ass reasons... u dont deserve that. u give me too much. im just an unreasonable bitch when im pissed or sad or whatever. just remember that and keep in mind that i love u.  =]  thanx for another fun-filled weekend. i still cant believe ur my bf!! ur perfection still keeps me in awe, ur sweetness can't compare to all those hersheys hugs, and the fact that u can argue with me and debate about politics is simply irrestible  =]  haha... so keep working out and keep that cut body or else i wont love u no more!  =P

April 18, 2004 1:52pm
last friday on 04/16: randy and i go to cold stone to get ice cream for dinner. we decide to get some sushi at Fuji-kan. to make a long story short- the chef at the sushi bar was hella koo! his name was vince. hahah. and there was this drunk white guy named chuck. if it wasnt for him, i dont think i wouldve gotten buzzed. vince .. the chef.. got me buzzed! hahah. he hooked it up with three shots!! GOOD SHIT!! peepo are so nice!
last nite on 04/17: ffuuuccck im such a lite weight. thanx carolyn for taking me out, otherwise i wouldve been bored as fuck. man apartment parties are fun. freakn peer pressure. hahah PEPSI SHOTS (aka the JEANJASPER! hahaha) i never took 5 shots before. thats not even a lot. i shouldve puked on the police car. that wouldve been funny, but nope i let all my yaakkkk go into the bushes. HAHAHHA. man that was gross. so i get back to my dorm, i call jeffers to talk, and then this huge fat guy named patrick comes into the hall, even more drunk than me.  he claims that im his frend, he goes into my room, plops onto my bed like a whale, and talks to kristen. kristen goes "GET OUT!" HAHAHAH and so he gets kicked out of my room by my roomie ... and she gets up and locks the door. HAHAHHA  oh man. good times. i havent drank in a looong time. i hate throwing up.  =[  it sux. i dont wanna puke no more. PEPSI SHOTS FOREEVER!
i love u carolym! i cant wait to live witchoo in august!

April 14, 2004 1037pm
I finally updated my gallery. Hahaha. Nothing much... just bored. If only someone wasnt such a stoner!! "I'm smoking a blunt right now, wish you were here, love you." HAHAH that's so original. Thanks. I actually swam laps at the ARC today... good workout... and i got to wear my new swim suit! OoO LALA! Hahaha. My eyes still hurt. Fuck. I'm bored. I have no life. I wish I had friends. No one likes me. Sniff sniff. Today is Wednesday... it's almost Thursday... wow... in 8 days I'm going back to NorCal. Good shit...

April 12, 2004
I don't really have much to say- I'm only updating cuz SOMEONE told me to. Sheesh.  but DAMN- i came back to irvine on the night of april 4th from spring break to start school on april 5th... and i already couldnt stand it and had to go back to norcal on april 8th! =]  happy late birthday jeffers, i hope u had a good one. HAHAH it was classic- imagine surprising ur significant other by walking in only to find him watching porn. HAHAHHA!!! CLASSIC! Damn ur 20... many of my friends are turning 20 this year and that's fuckn scary. I'm going to be 19 too! I'm hella freakn old. I miss high school sometimes and the old high school people I used to see everyday.  O well. College is okay i guess. I wish I could be closer to Jeffers tho. That way, i'd drive him crazy and bug and bitch the shit out of him! =]  this is my last quarter as a first year... went by pretty fuckn fast... im gonna be a second year soon! i hella cant wait to come back to norcal for the summer and get a fuckn CAR (finally!). im just a bit sick of school... and i just wanna go back home to spend time with jeffers. other than that... thats all folks!

April 05, 2004 1:36pm
Spring break slipped by pretty fast. It seems like I blinked for a second and now I'm back at my desk in Irvine. My GPA dropped to a 3.4. =[  Now Jeff and I can bitch about how crappy our GPAs are and how we can do better. Haha. I hope everyone had an enjoyable spring break. Mine was pretty chill and fun- if it wasn't for the typical Asian mom nagging my ass 24/7.  The highlight of the break was SKYDIVING!!! Words can't explain the feeling of floating amidst the vigorous wind with the city directly below me. It felt like-- this is my world. I OWN THIS! And all of a sudden- POOF- the parachute is released, and I'm entered in a world of bliss and shadowed by silence.  Everyone must try it! I wanna do it again! I spent so much time with Jeffers- I enjoyed every second.  But now , here I am, back in school, thinkin about you.  =]

march 27, 2004 6:32am
FINALS ARE FUCKN OVER!! Spring break is really gotten off to an awesome start. Why the fuck am i up this early? I'm chillin here in Jeff's apartment in berkeley.. still had no sleep yet cuz of the E... hahhah. man it was so chill. we ate weed brownies before our flite and got high on the plane, then got back to berkeley and ate HELLA FOOD. OMG HELLA ATE. hahahah munchies!! then a 3 hour nap, wake up, shower... chill... drop e, smoke weed, drink, etc. Man i love it! y cant life be like this forever?? Jeff, im typing here and u r trying to sleep in bed. thanx sooo much for making this week so fuckn chill/fun... ur so freakn cute all curled up there. hahahha man i luv u. everything is so perfect rite now its scary. i thot that things can only go down from ultimate happiness, but i just keep getting happier. i cant wait til 410! =]  =]  =]  im gonna enjoy this spring break.

march 21, 2004 4:54pm
Good luck on finals, everyone! This is finals week... finally... winter quarter almost over. Spring quarter is coming up and then... move out of the dorms! Damn this first year in college went by hella fast. I'm gonna be a second year soon. Sigh. Time flies by so fast. I love being a kid, I still am inside, but then again I look forward to living my mortal life- growing up, raising my own family, watching my family grow, and then die with integrity. BLAH- the nostalgia and the future always taunt my mind. Kristen's 19th birthday was yesterday- it was chill... makes me sad knowing I will be 19 soon- my last year as a teen!! Most of my friends are older than me, and everyone is 20... 23... damn... I feel old having old friends. Hahah. But I love all my friends. Especially NorCal. I wanna go back to Norcal. I can't wait to go back home to be enveloped by the people I love and the people that love me. I haven't really found anyone in SoCal that I can call a "friend", except Grace. =]  Most of the people here just piss me off. Yes, my friends are right. "You're gonna be surprised by the amount of stupid people you meet in college." And stupid people piss me off. I get pissed off a lot down here. Hahaha. That's sad. I want all the stupid fucks to just fuck themselves. Hahahah. I'm so inconsiderate sometimes... well.. a lot of times...
Jeffers is coming tomorrow! One more day! I'm so excited. That's pretty much the only thing I've been looking forward to lately- the fact I get to see Jeffers every two weeks.  =] Spring break will be fun. Chill. I can't wait to just get fucked up after finals... sober up over the weekend.. and then chill during the week. HAHAH. I hope we get to go sky diving. That would be fuckn awesome. Then I have to face another beginning of a quarter... spring quarter... and get all stressed out and shit again. But then again, I realize school is all a monotony of assignments and tests, the reuninon with anxiety, and the bliss to my life and remedy to it all is the prescence of Jeffers.  =]

mARCH 14, 2004
hahaha im such a dork. i just realized rite now that every single entry i had on this site is dated 2003. so i had to correct each one to 2004 rite now. y the fuck didnt u guys correct me? so anyway, i always have to write about the funny club experiences i have with grace. gosh im so tired. anyway, so last nite we go to the too crowded club filled with literally stupid shady people. LoL. 4 things:  1. the highlight of my night was running with justin from the security guard. remind me next time to not hold an alcoholic beverage with X's on my hands. that was actually pretty fun. 2. then this guy asks me "can i ask you a question?" and i say "sure" and he asks me "are you vietnamese?" wtf kind of question is that? i told him, yes i am, and why do you ask? and he just smiles and says "oh i have a lot of friends that are vietnamese."  okkkkaaaayyy how fuckn lame is that shit? HAHAHHAHA... 3. and then at 1:30am they start playing slow songs. slow songs at a club? interesting. it was fun reminiscing the high school years. they actually played christina aguilera's ONE VOICE. of all places, i did NOT expect to hear that at a club. i still had fun tho. that was comedy. 4. so during the slow jams, everyone leaves the club but we find this funny and linger a bit more in the club. its quite empty, so we're surprised that this security guy jumbles into us and goes "im sorry". wtf? its hella empty and u bump into us? funny.. he reeked of weed. HAHAHA so justin decides to make fun of him and imitates him smokin a fat blunt. the security guard sees this, goes back over to justin (along with the lovely smell of bomb) and asks him, "do u kno anyone who's smokin that shit?" and justin says, "No. You?" and the security guard just walks away kinda pissed. damn that was FUNNY! i had fun at that one asian club last friday... but next time we can just fuck boogie. hahah...
anyway this week will be pretty busy for me i guess. finals are next week. GOOD LUCK EVERYONE! after this, its ONE QUARTER LEFT!! damn it went by so fast. im gonna be a second year!!! holy shit.. thats crazy... im gonna be 19 this summer and jeffers isnt gonna be there... =[  .  i wont be comforted by his happy silliness and cradled by his laughter. nope... no... he's gonna go to china so the warmth of the summer sun will shine on me... not the warmth of jeffers' prescence. =[  BoOoOooOoOoO!!!! Hahaha, it's okay. I still luv ya. remembeerr.. ardorous!

March 13, 2004 12:49pm
Yesterday was sort of shitty... during the day. I went to the beach with some people in the dorms. It was chill. Newport Beach is nice. Talkn shit about others in the dorms is pretty funny.. I wonder what you guys talk about me when I'm not around. LoL. But night time was the best. Gracie and I actually went out!! DAMN IT WAS SO FUN!! it looked all ghetto and shiet .... but it was totally asian nite.. hahahahha it totally reminded me of ghetto san jose. all the riced out cars, the ghetto asian people and shit. all that superficial shit. but once we got in, HAHAHAHAHHA!!!!! GOOD TIMES!! CLUBBIN IS FUN! i havent been clubbin in a while. why is it that thers hella beautiful women and ALL THE GUYS WERE UGLY?!!! damn i wish jeffers was there! hahaahahah. okay gracie, so i told u i'd write all this shit down so i wouldnt forget. who the fuck did we "experience"? HAHAHAH. long haired freaky deaky butt shakin boy... HAHAH "THAT FUCKER NEEDS A HAIRCUT, DANCE WITH ME!" AHHAHAHHA. dood there were just a bunch of random weird guys hitting on every girl as usual. i remmeber that fobby guy in that blue shirt that wouldnt fuckn leave me alone. HAHAHAHHA.. the typical ass grabbing, ass slapping, hands and arms groping attention. hahahhaa clubbin is fun ... sometimes.. hahhahha damn pervs. so while i was clubbin jeffers was partying and gettin his ass drunk and being a slut. hahahah i luv u jeffers!! keep partying and BE HAPPY!!

March 11, 2004 9:15pm
i seriously think i am bipolar or i was bipolar at times.. LoL

sometime in the noon...
Weather does make a difference in disposition. Everyone seems happier. I sure am happier. Maybe cuz I have someone special in my life now too!  =]  *03042004* WhOo hOo! FUCK my  enrollment window opens sooo late. I bet by the time I sign up all the classes I want will be full. My window opens March 15th. FUCK! Well I feel more sorry for Kristen and the rest of the people whose window opens the 17th. This fuckn sucks. O well. No worries. =] hakuna matata! Between now and the end of March, I have nothing planned except for FINALS. ALL FINALS! And Jeffers is comin down on finals week. YAY! I really look forward to spring break. i get to go back up to norrr caaall. yay!! well this entry really has no point... im just chillaxin in the socal sun. =]  jeffers- dont let distance bother u okay? i luv you!!!!! OH EVERYONE IM ME TO CHECK OUT MY BUDDY ICON! ITS THE BESTEST LOL!

March 8, 2003
It's over 90 outside. OMFG!! It's hot.. its beautiful.. its SEXY CLOTHES TIME! WhoOoO!! Damn i hate sweating tho. BLAH. Okay... what happened over the weekend? Perhaps the most relaxing, slow and fast weekend spent with someone very special.  No parties, just chillin, lounging, watching movies, smokin, eating instant foods, catchin up with LIZ... it was memorable.  *march42004 i luv u jeffers!!* ice cream was yummerful... monte gelatos was it?? damn gotta go there again... even tho u didnt get the car i had lots of fun going to the city and the cheesecake factory and everything. haha i got new underwear now. everyone should kno that new underwear is the best thing!! well not really but u kno wat i mean. =]  it was hectic runnin thru the oakland airport and barely catching my flight but that was fun. hahah and then i arrive in long beach to dwite holding a fuckn brown paper bag sign with NGUYEN on it! HAHAHHAHA good times!! thanx sooo much dwite for the ride, and JEFFERS for a fuckn awesome time!! (o and also thanx to char, dea, and lee for the other rides. lol) man i havent driven in so fuckn long im scared to drive again. typical asian driver. blah blah blah
    as for today, i got a lot of school work done.. not as stressed as i was anymore cuz im startin to care less. haah. man im an anxiety freak. im gonna get it someday... today is hot.. pretty chill... juss thinkn about my jeffers now.  =]  and i cant wait til this weekend to kick it with gracie again. i miss u, BITCH!!  lets go clubbin and make jeffers jealous! HAHAH JP U KNO I LOVE U!!
   this weather is awesome. fuckn ENJOY and SAVOR IT!

March 3, 2003 12:28am
i am stressed. i am sad. i am not me today. i give up. i can't do it anymore. i can't fulfill what i want to fulfill. i can't fulfill the expectations given to me. no one has ever told me i couldn't do something but now i know i can't do something. i can't succeed.

February 28, 2003
Wow it's a leap year this year! Hhaha anyway so last nite i went to the blue's clues thank you party with my bitch GRACIE!! HAHAH j/p u kno i love u. Oh man... it was a funny interesting night. HAHHAH. I mean, no offense jeff, i had fun with u and all but when guys think a girl is single its hella FUNNY! OMG~~~!!! HAHAHA. Gracie, so many stories now!! "You're so hot, I wish I was straight!" DAMN thats the BEST PICKUP LINE I EVER GOT!! HAHAH. OH MAN. I am such a good friend. "Do you have a boyfrend? Me: Yes. "Oh, I won't do anything to you then." WTF??? HAHAHAH. *points at grace* "Does she have a bf?" Me: NO. HAHAHAHAHHAHA GRACE U CAN HAVE HIM. HAHAHA "whats ur name?" "grace." "oh i had a frend named grace. but she died." HAHAHAHAHH wtf? and yes.. theres the usual.. weirdo guys following us around.. and that ONE WEIRDO GUY GRACE!! OMG THE ONE THAT KISSED MY NECK AND UR HEAD!! HAHAHAHHA OMG!!! i also wont forget the small details... walkin into the outside lounging area .. seeing the bunch of guys and then turning around and going back into the room... but the guys are calling for us. HAHAHHA. OH MAN. IM SO GLAD WE'RE FRIENDS GRACE!!! HAHAHAAHAHA!!! im going bak to norcal this week!! i cant wait to see u again jeffers!!

February 23, 2003 9:26pm
Monday means another whole fuckn week of school. BoOOoO!! School sucks!! Damn I can't believe I already finished half of my first year in college... im gonna be a second year soon!! AAHHHH I'm getting old. I'll be 19 this year... my last year of being a teen. DAMN THATS SO FUCKN OLD!! Fuck I need to get myself a life. I should get a job. Im so fuckn poor. I read and study too much and I'm still not doing as well as I wish I could. All B's on my midterms. That makes me feel so stupid... man... I feel so negative about myself, but then again, don't we all?  I feel like a failure, I feel that I'm not good enough for anything or anyone... I feel like I'm lost or I've lost something. J.Y.Lin, the bliss is high now but once something gets to a high point, the only place it can go is down. I worry too much. I worry about the future. I'm scared. I know I won't cry, but I still don't want to get hurt. I want to see you so bad again... I will be back again shortly... two more weeks. Another longing sensation... I know I will wait, I will give you time, but I feel that this is going no where... and in the end, I'm just gonna fall into a hole. I don't know how long this happiness will last...

February 22, 2003 7:16pm
Once again, another fun weekend! Thanks so much GRACIE, u hella contributed and helped me out. But Blue's Clues will be much more fun. =]  Siighhh. It does feel so right and it is happening so fast. But are there brakes to slow things down anyway? It's all so fast only cuz there are no mysteries to unwrap and slowly discover.  [You only get big rewards if you take big risks.] Well people know me as a risk taker, don't they? I wanna develop those damn LOVE pix and post em up ... but I'm too lazy to go to Albertsons. Ha. Fuck I'm tired. I'm sure you are too.  My sleeping pattern will need to adjust again... it keeps on fluctuating. BLAH this entry is fuckn boring. I really don't know what to say... words can't explain how I feel. Except I am one happy girl... I feel this comforting warmth inside... I hope it won't go away. I'm still scared, but I'm willing to take the risk.

February 18, 2003 2:05pm
I don't think I will ever get tired of this song. You're My Little Secret. And now that it's cold and rainy outside, this song further exemplifies my feelings. =] Man there's so much reading and hw to do before you come down...

She had the weekend that she wanted, the weekend she desired for, and the weekend that filled her with warmth. It was everything she wanted.  It was supposed to be two weeks... then three weeks before he comes back, but the excitement cannot hide and makes the visit shorten to only one more day. She is flattered, she is filled with bliss, she is excited, but she knows that this will only make the desire strengthen and lead to more anxiety, worries, and suffering.  Although she is benevolent now, she knows that deep down, under all the happiness and joyful thoughts, there is that fear that she will lose it all, and face life's sufferings again... and again... and again. But... she knows suffering is life. She will live it now, be happy today, be happy tomorrow, be happy this weekend... for both their souls... but she knows she will have to suffer for it. And so she will smile... and suffer.

February 10, 2003 5:55pm
OH OH THE TIME IS 5:55. I NEED TO MAKE A WISH! and i wish to do well this quarter.... fuck i just got my first midterm back and I got a fuckn 86. A B!! OMG! Stupid fuckn careless mistakes keep me from getting the A that I want.. the A that i need. It's so depressing.  This whole week is midterms week. I can't wait til it's all over. Then it's FUCKED UP TIME. But still... i kno drew is right and everyone else is rite too. i cant just keep going on like this comparing myself to the rest of my cousins and bro and family issues. shit. i feel like such a dummass. okay tim goes to caltech, my younger cuz is gonna be studying medicine at stanford... and me??? where do i go??? irvine! okaaayyy so obviously im not expected to do well.. i dont think im expected to succeed educationally. mom tells me she hopes i succeed with the talents that i have... but i wish it could be education too. sigh. im so hard on myself and i know it. but i can't help it. i have this mental problem of doing well. but i just cant. i was told ... and i believed in myself that i could get that A but i just can't. im being tantilized and taunted with this vision of the A before my eyes but i just can't grasp it. i just cant. nothing is there for me but this place where i was meant to be. i kno i have the free will to get out of it, but i keep trying and trying but i just cant do it. friends expect me to do so well, and with that expectation, it brings me further down cuz i kno i can't fulfill it. heck i dont think i can fulfill my own dreams.
     at first it was a good day cuz i got all my flight stuff figured out so im content with all the plans for this saturday. i cant wait to kick it with min and jeff and drew again. luv the norcal homies!! it was a nice warm sunny day but now im just sad. okay this entry is done. i need to get studying again. big SIIIGGHHH

February 2, 2002 4:23pm
Happy Groundhog's Day everyone! I know no one reads this anyway... but I'm bored and a bit emotional. I'm sick so I gotta take this medicine. Sudafed hella fucks you up. It makes me so emotional. LoL. Man! Valentine's Day is around the corner... it's going to be a three day weekend. Whoo Hoo! I hope to spend it with close friends and the people I care about. That's what love is all about! I'm so glad that Valentine's Day is right after my last midterm. Fuckin Midterms... oh my GOD! So much studying to do. Sigh. I think this medicine is also making me feel unstable. It makes me think too much. I'm so used to being ahead of myself that I get so unstable and crazy if I fall behind. I can't let it happen to myself... I'll have some super stressful nervous breakdown or something. I feel coocoo in the head sometimes. I'm such a weirdo... I'm cold. It's cold. It's SoCal and it's cold. WTF?
The weekend was totally fun. Talk about dorm bonding. LOL. Man I never loved my dorm this much before. CAMINO! "Just cuz I made out with Camino doesn't mean I love Camino!" Hahaha. Who said high school are the best years of your life? It should be high school AND college. 
I love you guys... aaahhhhh this medicine!!

January 30, 2003 5:15pm
School sucks. UCI screwed a lot of people over this quarter. I am really hoping to catch up, but I guess that I'm so used to being ahead, so being behind is really stressing me out.  I hope I can go to LOVE back up in SF, you guys! I'll try. You know I will!

January 25, 2003 10:45pm
I had just a fuckn awesome weekend. Not HELL YEAH. It's a FUCK YEAH! So many memories now.. with GRACE and CAROLYN.  Everybody at the club gettin tipsy! I'm happy. And Blue's Clues... so tiring yet so fun. Dancing on the speakers, ugly guys, fobby ugly asian guy following us home "STALKER".... LOL... KFC, (the way I "blow" balloons)... and literally dancing til dawn. The sun rising was so pretty, especially after all that dancing. It sucked that I had to wake up early to go Hsi Lai Temple in Hacienda Heights, but at least I prayed. I haven't prayed at a Buddhist Temple in years.  Thanks so much you guys, this weekend was off the hook.

January 23, 2003 12:37am

Ever read One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? Read it. My quote for today comes from there. "Well at least I damn tried, didnt I?"
Fuck UCI for screwing me over. FUCK.

January 21, 2003

5:06pm
I am so proud. I was the chosen one.  Out of the thousands of people at UCI, one particular bird picked me to be shitted on. Thanks. Oh, and thanks Jon, for pointing it out to me that I had a "cum stain" on the back of my black sweatshirt. Yep.

1:10 pm
Yay, I have finally finished this site! Despite the bad day that I had yesterday (if you guys knew), things are a bit better. Perhaps cuz I can laugh about shitty things.  Well tomorrow is the day that I'll figure everything out with UCI- let's see if I really do get fucked over. Chances are... I will.

12:19pm

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your
 neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to
 your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
 being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing
 you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for
 then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel
 righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides
 you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the
 milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to
 the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who
 has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull
 and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them
 both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the
 milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
 other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow
 drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
 three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
 an eleventh the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live
 for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they
 are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you
 have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count
 them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open
 another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you're not sure
 where they are. You'll look for them tomorrow.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You
 charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership
 with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American
 corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

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