| WATCH OUT FOR SASQUATCH! THE KOOTENAYS-- Tourists and travelers are warned to be cautious driving through British Columbia this Spring. With the warm weather approaching, sasquatches will be migrating to their summer habitats. The stretch of land between Grand Forks and Nelson, part of British Columbia's Kootenay region, is a heavily travelled sasquatch route. Sasquatches will stick mostly to trails and other forest routes, but they will still need to cross the occasional freeway. "You've got to be careful driving at night," said Ministry of Highways official Dane Fredricksen. "If you're not paying attention, a sasquatch can wipe out your Corolla faster than you can say 'Harry and the Hendersons'." Sasquatches are gentle creatures, and are highly intelligent. However, when it comes to crossing busy highways, a sasquatch is as tentative as any human. Even the smartest sasquatch can succumb to the "deer in the headlights" syndrome. "If you see a sasquatch preparing to cross the road, just slow down and let him pass," said Fredricksen. "Don't stare at him like a tourist--you'll not be paying attention to the road, and you'll slam into the next one." The government isn't willing to spend the money necessary to build proper crossings for sasquatches. Instead, highway signs are posted in known sasquatch areas. The crossing areas can also be identified by the depressions in the asphalt pavement, worn from use. Barbara Kellogg, a Kootenay resident, commutes daily between Castlegar and Trail, and has had numerous sasquatch driving encounters. "I've had a couple of close calls with Bigfoot," said Barbara, who drives a Ford Echo. "Twice, I've had to swerve to avoid collisions. And there was this other time I drove right between a sasquatch's legs! The poor thing let out a scream as I'm pretty sure I clipped his genitals with the roof of my car. That's got to be painful--for any species!" No deaths have ever been reported from accidents, but two American tourists were once treated for shock in 1998. The Washington couple was travelling to Creston in a convertible, when a young sasquatch "showered" them after he lost bladder control in a near-collision. |
| THE NEWS |
| Former Big Celebrity Finds New Career As Pathetic Former Celebrity HOLLYWOOD, CA� Eighteen years after his fame peaked with The Karate Kid, former big celebrity Ralph Macchio has discovered a new, lucrative career in the rapidly growing field of washed-up celebritydom. "I just recorded a cameo on King Of The Hill where, after Bobby gets cast in a movie, I explain to him that fame is fleeting," Macchio said Monday. "And I taped a Drew Carey Show appearance where I woo a girl away from Drew, and he moans about how he's 'even losing chicks to Ralph Macchio.'" Macchio will also appear in an upcoming Stanley Tools ad, in which, over an image of his face, the announcer says, "Some things come and go, but Stanley is forever." |
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| SPORTS |
| The Brewers still suck, no matter who the manager is. The Bucks didn't even make the playoffs, after nearly making it to the finals last year. Thank God we still have the Packers. Jimmie Johnson wins his first race at California, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. is gonna race next week despite suffering from his bad right ankle that he got in a crash on sunday. |
| Osbournes Visit White House Seated, from left to right, Ozzy Osbourne, President George W. Bush, former President George H.W. Bush, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, Jack Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne. Standing, left to right, Aimee Osbourne, Laura Bush, former first lady Barbara Bush, Kelly Osbourne, Crown Prince Abdullah, and Wayne Newton. |
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