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Chris Holmes vs. Rick Dundee -
Alcoholics Anonymous
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Will: "Well fans, we are in the final hour of our telecast this evening! This matchup here features rocker Chris Holmes and the Man from the Outback, Rick Dundee!"
Rusty: "Both of these guys are about as rough and tumble as they come, but they agree that there's one thing that had them licked."
Will: "It seems as both of them have had problems with the bottle at one point or another in their lives, and have worked their way through it with some help from AA. Here he is now, coming down the ramp, Rick Dundee!"
Rick: "G'day mates! I jus' wanted to...ya know, this gettin' up here and talkin' in front of you all ain't easy. But there was a time...there was a time not too long ago that I couldn'ta even done this sober. Really mates, it's true. My first six months as an IWA wrestler, I don't think I fought a match sober. Probably explains why I hardly won, too."
Will: "What's it take for a guy like that to get up there and spill his guts like that?"
Rusty: "I don't know Will, this is the first I've heard of it."
Rick(continuing): "Yeah, when it came time for a match I'd hafta duck into a bathroom or something, take a few swigs a' hooch. It was the only way I could get out here and face all a you, with those signs and posters and stuff. You ever had stage fright? Ever gotten up in front of your closest mates and forgotten what you wanted to say? Well, there I was week after week, gettin' stage fright in front of millions of perfect strangahs. Wasn't long before I started needing a little sip to get me started in the mornin', then another before I hit the sack for the night." (He stops for a second, letting his words sink in.) "Then I hit rock bottom. I wrecked up, mates. Wrecked up! Me in my Subaru Outback crashed inta some poor guy on a motorcycle. Totalled the bike, wrecked the car, almost killed the guy. As it was, ‘e was in the hospital two months. I almost had my green card revoked. Then one day when I went ta visit this guy in tha hospital, I was met by one of tha newer guys in TUFF. Chris Holmes sat me down, had a long talk with me. Turned out he'd been having some of the same problems, had his own accident. He got into Alcoholics Anonymous, and it helped turn his life around, he says. Next thing I know, he's sponsored me for membership and gotten me to go to tha meetings! Ta make a long story short mates, I've grown up a lot in tha last year or so. I've got my drinking back under control, and, well, here's a little secret. Anytime ya see me chuggin' a Foster's on TV, it's actually ginger ale. TUFF's got some graphic artists that'll work wondahs....."
Will: "And there goes Chris Holmes' music as he makes his way down to the ring! The two men are giving each other bear hugs." Rick: "Chris, mate, yer my buddy and all that, so I thought I'd go easy on ya tonight. Instead of throwin' you all ovah the ring, how ‘bout we do a little arm wrestlin'?"
Chris: (Laughs) "Nah, you just don't want me to embarrass you in front of all these people! But sure, bring out the arm wrestling table!" (The table is brought out and a coin is flipped. It is tails, which means the wrestlers will be using their right hands. They sit down and begin the match.)
Rick: "Come on mate, you (grunts) gotta be stronger than that!"
Chris: "Rick, what'd you eat for lunch? Garlic Fricaseed Gator?"
Will: "And it's a stalemate folks, neither one has a definite advantage. Rick is laying on the pressure, looks like he just moved Chris a couple inches....but Chris digs deep and brings it back to centerline."
Rusty: "Now Chris is the one with the extra pressure, and he forces Rick almost all the way to the table! He might, he could...NO! Screaming like a banshee, Rick has fought his way back to the center!"
Will: "Look at those guys' arms shake! Now Rick's putting all his reserves into it, slowly forcing Chris down."
Rick: "Come on...mate...almost got you!"
Chris: "Almost....don't count...unless...you got a....nuclear...bomb!" (And with that, Chris inhales and powers Dundee's arm back past center and pins his hand to the table with a resounding thunk.)
Will: "And with an amazing display of strength, Chris Holmes defeats Rick Dundee in an arm wrestling match! I wonder if I'll be able to do that if I take up the guitar like Holmesdoes!"
Rusty: (Looking over at Will:) "Don't bet on it."