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Highlander vs. Funky Chicken -Crohn's
Disease Research
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Will: " All right folks, we are well past the halfway point for matches tonight, but we're still going strong here. This next match features two lesser-known talents in TUFF being given a chance to show their stuff."
Rusty: "That's right. First down the ramp in his Hummer is Highlander. Now this guy's just an incredible testament as to what clean living can do for you. He's got something like 6% body fat and a build that most of us can only dream of."
Will: "And his opponent tonight is the Funky Chicken. Think what you will, this guy's been around in some of the toughest leagues the IWA has to offer and he's administered his fair share of whuppings. There's the bell, and it looks as if the Funky Chicken is wasting no time. He's just bounced Highlander off the ropes and kicked him in the head! Now he's got him by the back of the head and is rubbing his face in the mat!"
Rusty: "That's a dangerous thing to do, Highlander is not a guy you want to get mad."
Will: "Whatever! The Funky Chicken is doing some crazy dance around his downed opponent...looks like moshing mixed with cheerleading."
Rusty: "Well, the guy is a former Major League Baseball mascot, so I guess he's falling back on what he knows. Not sure what use it'll be, because Highlander just got back up! Oooh, he just grabbed the Funky Chicken from behind and locked on a sleeperhold!"
Will: "That's not going to work! That chicken helmet/mask won't crush that easily! And The Funky Chicken backs into the turnbuckle at top speed, shaking Highlander off!" (Funky Chicken turns and headbutts the surprised Highlander, then Irish Whips him into the far turnbuckle. On the rebound, Funky Chicken executes a beautiful Olympic Slam and makes the cover. 1,2, and a kickout at 2.)
Rusty: "That's going to teach Highlander to not waste time flexing for the fans. I can appreciate a good photo op as much as the next guy, but when you're in the ring, that's when it's time to get down to business." (Highlander gets back up to one knee and punches Funky Chicken in the gut. Again, and the Chicken lets go. Highlander makes use of the space and dropkicks the Funky Chicken over the top rope. Funky Chicken lands hard, and the ref begins his count. At four, Funky Chicken climbs back in the ring and is stomped by Highlander. Highlander drops a thunderous elbow on the back of Funky's head.)
Will: "Ouch! I bet he felt that through the helmet! And I don't think Highlander's done! Highlander hoists up Funky Chicken...no, it can't be!"
Rusty: "Oh, but it is! He's piledriving the foam headed Funky! Looks like he's trying anything to get that mask off!"
Will: "Man! He's gotta have that thing Superglued on! It just isn't coming off!"
Rusty: "Highlander comes from the old school; you keep trying something until you get the results you want! Here's another piledriver! And the mask still won't come off!"
Will: "Forget the mask, there's a guy inside there! Funky, come on buddy, show me you're still alive!" (Highlander hoists Funky Chicken up once more for another piledriver, then reconsiders and heads for the turnbuckle. He climbs it, holding the dazed Funky Chicken over one shoulder. Up top, he repositions Funky Chicken for a piledriver again...but this time, it'll be off the top rope!) "No man! Argh, I can't watch!"
Rusty: "What kind of commentator are you?" (Highlander has finished getting Funky Chicken settled, but then Chicken counters by shaking all over like he's having a seizure. Highlander fights to hold on, but is quickly thrown off balance and falls back into the ring. He and the Funky Chicken land next to one another. Neither seems to be moving. The ref starts a count 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8..at eight, both men struggle up. Highlander takes a wild swing, but Funky Chicken dodges, then leaps in and applies a Chicken Wing! He heaves...and turns it into a Chicken Wing Slam! There's the count! 1,2,3!)
Will: "And there goes the Funky Chicken with his victory dance! The crowd's going crazy!"