Forgive me if this comes off sounding hideously mean, but I really do need to vent because I haven't and I might explode. So this is a little less messy. Though I do fear what repercussions it might have, this is just how I feel, and I won't apologize for feeling.
Ok, I am really sick and tired of guys always trying to give me a guilt trip for breaking up with them when I already felt miserable for doing it, hated myself vehemently, cried myself to sleep at night for it, and basically just wanted to die.
I understand that I may have broken their hearts, but I tortured my own as well. I didn't want to do it, but I saw it as the only solution for the reason I had that was making me absolutely miserable every moment of the day. Would it have been better for me to continue putting myself through that for the sake of their happiness and state of mind? Tell me, because if you think so, I would have done it. I really would have put myself through just about anything for them if I thought it would be better in the end.
Instead I chose to end that anguish for a whole new degree of it. Instead I chose a course of action which left me full of despair and guilt and sorrow to such a great degree, and so much emotion coursed through me that I thought it would rip me apart from the inside. In fact, I prayed it would if only to end, but it wouldn't. I cried myself to sleep for a week; I cried and cried until I thought I couldn't possibly feel anything more, and then I did it all again.
I didn't think I could ever survive the next day, so miserable I was knowing I had done the "right" thing, that my only escape was sleep, waking only to feel the despair again as if it had all just happened moments before. I've been depressed before, but I have never hated myself so much as I did then. I thought that I had ruined life for the rest of time and nothing could make right my wrongs.
The only respite I received was from the piteous hope that some day they might eventually forgive me and move on.
But I was wrong. They would blame me even more than I blamed myself and be more miserable and unable to move on or cope, and they made damn sure I was well aware of it.
Gee, thanks so much, like I hadn't been feeling bad enough already without being given that additional guilt trip. Like I didn't already regret losing an absolutely amazing person for a friend and could barely speak with them because I knew it, too.
Well you know what? I tired of it. I'm tired of being accused and blamed for making my own decisions. I'm tired of being blamed for someone else's miseries when it’s their own decision whether to get over it or not. I'm tired of being blamed for LIVING MY LIFE! I'm done being blamed for what I feel, and I am done apologizing for it, too.
I am sorry if I offend, but I am NOT sorry for what I think and feel. Give me a frigging break because it's not my fault how others feel either. Take what life deals you and DEAL WITH IT.
I'm done being blamed and I'm done being miserable at others' expense. If you don't love, you can't be hurt, but you know what? I love. And I will be hurt again, no doubt, but I will just have to handle that when I get to it. I can say that I'm not afraid to take that chance even though I know love may be temporary because I know the accompanying hurt will be too, but I will not accept that hurt at another's hands. I will not accept it; I will get over it (unlike so many others), and that's all there is to it.