Thursday, March 11, 2004
This one's for you, EJ!
On the way home from sledding today, we were talking about stupid drivers and how they should have died out via natural selection a long time ago. And it brought a new idea to mind. Murder should be legal. And all safety devices should be banished. Think about it: our natural evolution has been severely crippled since we are the only species that can't kill one another for being dumbasses. And we haven't gotten any better or smarter in the last however many thousand years because of this, and we've just invented new ways to be stupider and stupider, thus precipitating the need for ridiculous safety devices and warnings. Think about how much better off we'd be without those. With no "Caution: HOT!" signs on mugs of coffee, people would just burn themselves if they didn't know any better. Then they'd know. Or they'd do it again and maybe be lucky enough (for all of us) to die from it someday. And think how not stupid people would be if they lived in fear of their neighbor just beating them to death next time they cut them off in traffic if it were legal to kill people. Can you imagine how much more conscientious drivers would be if forgetting to signal could earn them a bullet in the eye? And what a huge population curb until people finally learned, right? Population control, another great reason to join my cause and support the legalization of murder. I have a good point here, and you know it. Wow, do you guys realize how revolutionary this could be? Damn, if I didn't have so many scholarship essays to write, I'd start a bill to congress right now. Wouldn't the NRA just love me? I can't think of anything else to add just yet, but I know the benefits will just multiply if you turn this over in your minds for a bit.
Shoot, with the great population control this would lead to, you'd never have to perform another abortion on an unwanted child because the neighbor could just strangle them the minute they started screaming, you could save thousands and thousands of dollars printing up safety warnings and adding unnecessary and costly safety devices to everything, and you could close up the traffic courts and not have to issue any more citations as the perpetrators would all be dead before they got there. Think of how much money all the counties could save in all the police officers they wouldn't have to hire. Schools would have more money for actually teaching because all their sports players would have bludgeoned one another to death by the end of the first week after the implementation of my program, allowing those previously wasted tax dollars to actually educate children so they might be smart enough not to get themselves killed by their superiors for asking the definitions of 8th grade level words in their senior year. Oh! No more need for prisons because anyone dumb enough to get caught could be stoned to death. Wow, and these just keep coming to me instantaneously. Omg, y'all, I'm a frickin genius. This is an amazing idea. We should totally do it.
Save Darwin's legacy. Shoot your dumbass neighbor.