8-8-03 Life Renewed
"I wanted to live deliberately and suck out all the marrow of life." -Thoreau
I have fallen in love with life and her sunny face and would nothing more than for this day to last a lifetime. The poet in my soul returns to life this day, and though none of you may have noticed her absence, that miserable being in her place truly revolted me. I missed her for so long that she's forgotten what greatness can be without dark, but she will be reborn. I believe the transitional misery I've been trapped in has moved on and changed.
What brought about this change, you ask? A number of things did. Brought to my attention was the fact that I've been an overly cynical and pessimistic person, and that it hurt people, so I set about to change that. In the process, I realized all would be for naught unless I learned to stop passing judgments on others lest I myself be judged. And why should I bother with others' interests and actions as long as they're happy and harmless?
I'd slipped into an almost dangerous degree of depression, doubting my faith in my faith, and believing I had no one who really cared who could help me until an old friend made me see (and I thank you for this) that I am only as strong as I am because I will always have my family there for me- all of them.
Other circumstances led me to complete certainty in the existence of angels all around us. The conclusion that if there are definitely angels then there is no doubt God followed much later than one might think. I believe so strongly and tangibly in angels because of the events in my life, and I've finally realized there can be no angels without God, so my concrete faith in them will carry over.
And finally, I remembered once again what it is like to truly feel. I thought all emotion was dead to me, and numb was all that existed until the reintroduction of a dear friend brought me the sweet sorrow of a tender longing. I didn't realize one could feel so much just in melancholy, but it is indeed so much more real to me than depression.
The person I speak of is one of those truly amazing people in the world who has been through so much and still cares more about others, someone I will never forget, even if I try. I only knew him briefly several years ago, but I still feel his impact in my life today. Such a dear and true friend, I cannot imagine what my life may have become without having met him.
I have scaled the walls of my inescapable abyss, closed my wounds, healed my scars, and dried my tears. I look to the world with the face of a new day. I feel the soft dew and see the luminous sunrise, welcoming it into my soul. I taste the morning air and breathe the scent of life. I have fallen in love with her again and shall cherish every moment of it as if it were the last, because it is. I will never have this moment again, of renewed hope and light, unless I make it. I will not go with the flow any longer, but I will race this current to the very end of the river's last drop.