testimony

I have a relationship that far surpasses any relationship I've ever had. It surpasses all of the relationships with my family, with my friends, and with my classmates, although all of these things are wonderful as well. I have so many things I want to share with you about this special relationship that it's very difficult for me to know where to begin; it started in August 1999. This relationship I speak of is with the creator of all things, God, and it's through His son, Jesus Christ, that I'm even able to have it at all.

     "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by      works, so that no one can boast." -Ephesians 2:8,9

I had grown up in a Christian home, or at least my mother had always been one. The men in my life had always instilled proper manners and things of that nature, but they hadn't ever lived by faith in Christ; showing the Christ-likeness that is so attractive to me now. My mom taught Sunday school for the mentally retarded for a while, and I enjoyed going to help her out every once in a while. She pretty much made me go to church with her until I was almost in high school. It was about that point that I told her I wasn't going to go anymore. I think that shocked her that I had said that, but there wasn't really anything she could do about it. She realized that she could make me go to church, but that's not what saves you. I could go to church with her all my life and never have the relationship with God that will secure my place in His family in Heaven.

     "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven...Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!" -Matthew 7:21, 23

Church attendance is not what saves someone; it never has been, and it never will be. A relationship with God through Christ Jesus is the only way into Heaven.

     "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." -John 14:6

I think she realized this, so she let me stay at home, probably because she knew I would eventually grow to despise her if she continually made me go against my will.

From this point on, I pretty much lived the life of a typical teenager, with a few exceptions. I was never a drinker in high school. I never tried drugs in high school, and I never slept with anyone in high school. These are things common in high school these days. That really bothers me, but I'm sure I'll talk about that on another page sometime. I went to college at Texas A&M University in College Station, TX. I was in the Corps of Cadets, and my first semester was a very lonely one. I was quite shy, I wasn't good at meeting new people, and I was homesick. I cried for the first several weeks because, well, I couldn't quite place it. I guess it was mostly from being homesick. Christmas break came along, and I got to see all of my high school friends again, and that was great. It was like old times. I wanted those old times back again. I can't remember exactly why, but several of my friends were going to a Bible study called Metro, and I decided to join them. I think it was out of wanting to belong and be with them. I felt a love in the sanctuary that really brought me to me knees; I "accepted" Christ that night, but not really. Nothing in my life changed. I still wasn't reading the Bible, learning about God, and I really had no desire to do so. I went back to A&M the same person I was before the break. I don't consider that to be when I was saved, simply because I realize I didn't really accept Him. Because I have prayed a prayer asking forgiveness and for salvation through Christ, I'm well aware of what it means to have a relationship with God, and to be brought into His family. This is not meant to sound arrogant, for I'm still learning daily what that truly means. I'm simply trying to say that I know the change was never there that first time.

I drank a lot during my first two years at A&M, and all I really wanted to do was go to parties. Class was the farthest thing from my mind. So was God, for that matter. Only now do I realize that during all of that time, when He was the farthest thing from my mind, I was the closest thing to His mind. It brings me to my knees to think of it now. Daily it does, in fact. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love someone the way He's always loved me. This is the same love He has for all of the people who don't know Him.

    "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." -2 Peter 3:9

While away at school I had the opportunity to date girls, and although with limited success, I did so. I was afraid to ask them out, and even once I did, I wasn't really sure what it meant to have a healthy relationship. Somehow, I managed to screw up all the relationships I had, and with the exception of a 3-year relationship, I did so in about a month or two. Looking back, it's so easy to see what was mmissing from all of them. Though in some cases we got along great, none of them were founded on a loving relationship with God through Christ. That's why they all ultimately failed. These relationships caused much pain, too; unneccessary pain, had I been responding to the Lord's gentle call along the way. The relationship that lasted 3 years went fairly well for most of the time, and I always just assumed we would get married someday. Based on what I know about love now, marrying her wouldn't have been done out of true love; rather, I would have been doing it simply because that's what people do after they date for as long as we had. At the time, however, I thought it was love. It's only since I've had the love of the Lord in my life that I've really begun to learn what love is. The summer that I was planning to propose was, to say the least, uneasy. I had priced diamonds, but the closer I got to asking her, the less sure I was of my decision. I realized that stress that had not been there before, was suddenly there, which started that spring. It was because of this stress and discontent with where our relationship was headed that I suddenly broke up with her. She took it very hard, and I took it almost as hard because I hate to hurt people, even if I have a substantial reason, as in this case. The next week was spent in Nantucket, where we have a summer condo. I wandered around the island by myself most of the time, pondering what I had done. Had I really done the right thing? At the time, I couldn't quite place and quantify why I broke up with her. I was not a Christian yet, but looking back I can see that the Lord was preparing me for a relationship with Him. I was lonely and depressed; I wanted to be in a relationship, but I knew it wasn't with her. I came back to start school, and I started dating another girl after being back for about a month. This was simply a rebound relationship, although I never admitted it to myself until after it was over.

Let me backtrack to something else that was going on right at the start of school that fall semester. It's the main point of this story. It's exactly when I accepted Christ as my savior! I had been back about three weeks and there was still an emptiness I felt, and it was more than simply not having a girlfriend. I couldn't quite place it though. I was surrounded by people, but still I felt so lonely, like I was nothing. That was right where God needed me to be to approach Him. One Saturday night I was alone in my room, studying. My roommate was out for the evening, and wouldn't be home until late. My other friends across the breezeway were also out, so I was alone to think about things. Right there in my room, I decided that I would go to church the following morning, although not with the intention of accepting Christ; just to be around people for a little while. After a break of about 8 years, I had decided to return; I couldn't explain it either. I got up and went to an early service the next morning. My roommate wasn't even up yet when I left. He went with his brother to another church at a later time. I went alone and sat on the last row in the sanctuary. I don't remember even what the message was about exactly; but at the end, when he invited us to accept Christ as our Lord, I did. I prayed and admitted I was a sinner, that I needed Him to give me eternal life. I didn't even really know what to pray, but I prayed as much as I knew to. No bells or whistles sounded. No party streamers shot from the ceiling. Just a prayer. I went home and began to read the Bible. I just started reading over what we had talked about in the service. When my roommate came home, I told him that I had been saved. He smiled really big and gave me a big hug. He told me that he'd been praying for me for about 4-5 years, since I had attended the one Metro service the Christmas of our freshman year. I asked him about what I should read in the Bible. I had no idea where to start; I had tried to investigate it before; tried to simply read from cover to cover, but that's not how you read the Bible. It doesn't quite read that smoothly cover to cover. He told me to start with John or Proverbs. I tried to begin with just a chapter a day, you know, so I could really pray about it, and really ponder what was written. Once I started, however, I was unable to put it down. I wanted to read it all the time. I was suddenly a sponge! I was actually thirsty for it!

Ok, back to the other story going on at this time. I started my rebound relationship about a week later, and looking back, this was exactly opposite of God's plan for me at that time. He had just gotten me to break up with my previous girlfriend so He could have my undivided attention, and I had gone ahead and started another one in it's place. I didn't have a clue what it meant to be in a relationship with God, let alone one with a girl. Our relationship was wrought with stress and pain, and it really totured me throughout the entire fall semester. I went to the Lord in prayer constantly to understand why He was allowing this to happen. After an entire semester struggling with her, we broke up. I had lost about 15 pounds from being so depressed, and I didn't quite know what I should be doing. The next semester was an internship in another city, and I lived alone there. I was about 4 hours from my family, and a good hour from anyone I knew. I didn't get cable and I kept my TV in the spare closet. I spent most of my evenings in the Bible and playing guitar. Praising the Lord and learning about His desire for my heart. I realized that I had no idea what I was doing before; I had stupidly entered a relationship on the rebound, but now I realized that He had so much work to do in my heart that He needed me completely alone. Sometimes late at night, I would cry because it hurt so bad to be alone. I wanted so badly to be in a relationship, but I knew it wasn't the right time yet. Even if it were, the women I was surrounded by turned me off within the first 5 minutes of conversation. The very women who had turned me on before were repulsive to me now. It was Christ in my life, and I'm so thankful He didn't let me have any of those women I had dated before.

I had also applied to graduate school, but I found out that January that I didn't get in. I was hurt, but I immediately knew it was for the same reason I wasn't supposed to be in a relationship at the time....because God had a lot of work to do in my heart and He needed my undivided attention. Wow! It's amazing how great He really is, and how perfect His timing is! Sitting here in the very graduate school I applied to last year, I can say that with my busy schedule now, I would never have been able to focus on God to the extent that I needed to in order to build a solid foundation in Him. Now that I have that foundation in Christ, I'm more able to approach obstacles and temptations with strength He provides me. Strength I didn't even know I had back then.

I'm still thirsty for Him, and I still search His Word daily, that I might be more fully equipped to handle whatever this world can throw my direction. I don't know it all yet, and I won't...not this side of Heaven at least. I didn't make this website as a claim that I do; I made it for the encouragement of others. Believers: it's always great to find someone else out there who has the same foundation as you, so I hope this is a blessing to you all. Non-Believers: it's my attempt to empathize with you. I was there. I'm not here to condemn, not here to judge, I'm here to love, I'm here to share a love so profound it has shattered my old way of life, creating a new one in it's place. I was a skeptic, I was a hedonist, I was indulgent in the ways of this world. I thought I knew it all. I now realize how little I actually know. Becoming a Christian doesn't mean I'm holier than thou and think I'm super strong. It means I'm weak; I know God created a standard for me to live by that I simply can't meet, so I fall at His feet asking for mercy and grace. He loves that! He loves to give out those things to those who ask. It's His very nature. Anyway, I hope this website it a blessing to you, and that you come into a deeper relationship with the Lord, for that's what His desire is for all of us.

This is kind of an aside; I just wanted to mention it. I've been blessed with the most incredible grandparents, and only now do I fully realize how difficult it must have been for them to love me the way they did the entire time this was going on. Throughout this time of wandering apart from the Lord, they had been giving me gifts at all of my birthdays and at Christmas. Most of the time they gave me gifts associated with the evangelism of the Christian message in some way or another. Sometimes it was a CD or tape; a shirt; a book. What does an unsaved person say to gifts like these? I said thank you and stuffed them away with gifts I would probably never use. Anyway, after saving these gifts for all those years, I finally pulled them out when the Lord saved me. I finally knew what to do with them; they meant something to me. But that's not even the coolest part. My grandparents had been giving me those gifts, guiding me, yet still allowing me to do what I wanted. They trusted the Lord to soften my heart to His love. What incredible faith and love they have for me; and they showed it! Had they forced me or pushed me, I might not have come to know the Lord, and I might have grown to resent them in the process. This way, I realize how incredible their love for me really was to have never given up praying and hoping for me to open up to a relationship with the Lord.