By ayn_rand

Aries
Today has been a really bad day for you, no? All these people making demands... Well I say you take a week off to go to Tahiti. Oh, and take me with you! I can pay *looks in pocket* half the cost... If they take lint as currency. Sheesh, it was a nice try.

Taurus
Ever notice that your sign is also the name of an automobile? I wonder what the people at Ford were thinking when they decided to name an automobile after you. Bad omen, to say the least. Oh, by the way, I would advise you not to drive anywhere today. Never know what could happen!

Gemini
Why get all bent out of shape over things you can't fix? Chill out and go with it, man. Just think, you could be out on the street in the cold starving to death! But no, you've managed to stay two steps ahead of that. So my hat goes off to you there.*doffs hat*

  Cancer
Think you're finally making progress in your life?< Well, it was nice while it lasted, eh buddy? Just wait till tomorrow. *tsk tsk* umm looks worse than even I thought *ouch*

  Leo
Time to get a new job. This fast food gig just isn't working out. Try retail! 

Virgo
The hour has come to finally clean out that pig sty you call a house. I mean, I can smell it from over here! Just think of the lovely release you'll get from staring in awe at your shiny stove top after you've spent three hours and a sprained back scrubbing at the thing. Hey! I said get moving! Or better yet, get that lousy, good-for-nothing significant other of yours to sprain their back scrubbing! Now, *that* is true release! 

Scorpio
You are not a leader of men. Take my word for it. The fact that you can't even get your dog to listen to you is not something out of the norm! Wallflowers are good, and you, pal... Well, you're the prototype of them all.

Sagittarius  
You think you're so smart right about now, don't you? Well, you're not. And believe you me, no one thinks you are either. Not even yourself, deep down. So give it up! 

Capricorn
Sit on your couch and do nothing. C'mon! You know you want to. And take these potato chips. And a beer for good measure couldn't hurt. By George! You've turned into your mother! Well, such is life. Have another cold one, Joe.

Aquarius Think you're having such a good time gallivanting all over the world? Well, there are some people on this earth with a lot less money and a lot fewer urges to go where you've gone. Why not write to one of those poor sycophants? At least they would be happy to hear from you, no matter how jealous you make them. Now... Wait a second! Maybe you're too busy with that beautiful humanoid you dragged along with you (much to the chagrin but nevertheless amusement) of your significant other. Either way, write the poor dork a letter!! 

Pisces Boy, something smells fishy in here! Give up that new cologne, please! umm pretty please?