YCTDCh1

Disclaimer: I don't know NSYNC or do I pretend to. I do not know how JC or any of the other guys live their life, and I don't pretend to. (Catching on here?) JC was simply my muse for this story. And please, don't steal my story...I wouldn't steal something that belongs to you. Feedback is always a nice thing too!

You closed the door
You stroll through the back door and head straight for the kitchen.
You're exhausted baby. I can see it in your eyes. In the way your body is moving.
Don't worry about anything but relaxing.
Go upstairs, draw some bath water and light some candles.
You'll feel better, I promise.
Boy scouts honor.
Your face expression is blank as you reach in the refrigerator and pull out some bottled water.
What's wrong babe? You always used to laugh when I said that.
Oh well, you must have just had a bad day.
You're heading to the TV room now, shedding your business jacket.
Yes, there's the body I love.
I watch you plop down on the couch, turning on the TV.
You're staring at it blankly, something must be up.
Tell me baby.
If you don't talk to me, I can't help you.
"I miss you Josh," I hear you whisper.
Is that what's wrong?
It is, isn't it?
Don't worry baby, I'm right here.
Looking over you.
Your guardian angel.
You always did believe in guardian angels, didn't you?
What are you watching?
That voice, that laugh sounds familiar.
You're turning up the volume.
Oh, I recognize that.
We were...uh, playing around with the video camera that one night.
Remember that?
You were so embarrassed to actually do something like that.
I thought it was kinda fun.
I think you did too.
What...what was that I just heard?
A giggle.
Oh why I think it was.
A little, tiny giggle.
You're slightly smiling.
You look so pretty when you smile.
No, no...don't let it fade.
Keep smiling.
Baby, what's wrong?
There's that blank look again.
Your chin is trembling.
You get that look when you're about to...�to cry.
Don't cry.
Baby look at me.
You raise your eyes from the TV, but you look right past me.
You're rubbing your eyes now. Getting up from the couch. Heading upstairs.
On the way up the stairs, you slip out of your skirt.
Nice.
And then your shirt.
That's what I love about you.
You have no insecurities.
You head to our room. The room that holds so many memories.
Do you remember that one night?
That was so....
I hear you sniffle.
Are you crying?
Why are you crying?
Why aren't you telling me what's wrong?
A couple of tears are falling from your eyes. You wipe them away quickly.
Deep breath.
You walk into the closet, running your hand over my clothes.
Why did you keep my clothes?
You pull one off the hanger.
My white dress shirt.
The white dress shirt.
I remember when you surprised me that one night. You were wearing that shirt.
Just that shirt.
Unbuttoned.
You pull it on, wrapping your arms around yourself.
Well, don't you look cute.
You walk into the bathroom and close the door.
You never close the door.
Is something wrong?
Tell me baby.
You're looking in the mirror now. Touching your reflection. Running your fingers over the glass.
Yes.
You're beautiful.
I reach out to touch you.
I can't.
You don't feel me.
You can't.
You're closing your eyes now.
Open your eyes.
Don't shut me out.
Baby, please.
Please tell me what's wrong.
You're looking at me.
Can you see me?
I can see you and you are so beautiful.
"Why did you leave me?" you call out through a frail voice.
I never left you, is that what you think?
I'm right here baby.
You're turning your back to me now.
What are you doing?
I hear you opening something.
The medicine cabinet.
Click.
It shuts.
What did you get?
Show me baby.
Don't hide things from me.
You look up again and there's your reflection, staring at you.
You're hiding something from me.
I can see it in your eyes.
Your eyes never lie.
You're lifting your hands up to see the object more clearly and I finally see what you have.
A bottle.
A prescription bottle.
Oh, it's those pills that help you sleep, right?
You don't need those. I thought we came up with a solution instead of those.
Do you remember baby?
Okay, I'll tell you.
First it's cookies and milk. Then it's slow dancing around the house. Then we'd snuggle up in bed and talk until you fell asleep. That was your medicine.
Oh.
I get it.
I guess you need them now, huh?
That's my fault isn't it?
I'm sorry.
Honestly, I am.
You're twisting the bottle open, tipping it over into your hand.
There's one. Two. Three.
Baby, that's all you need.
Four. Five. Six.
Stop.
Please.
What are you doing?
Seven. Eight. Nine.
STOP!
The bottle slips from your hand, crashing onto the floor. The white pills scatter across the floor.
Clink. Clink. Clink. Silence.
That's what I did.
How I did it.
That's the way it...
Oh no.
Baby no.
Don't do it.
Please.
Don't give in.
You looked from the pills in your hand back up to your reflection in the mirror.
Twice.
Look how beautiful you are baby.
Don't waste it.
Don't give in.
You start shaking. Nose flaring, chin wrinkling. The tears are threatening your captivating eyes. Threatening to spill over the edge, to race down your cheeks.
Don't give in.
Don't give into temptation baby.
You look back down to your shaking hands. The shaking causes a white pill to fall to the floor.
And another.
There's a tear.
You're giving in.
Baby please don't give in.
Don't be a coward. Don't be like me. Don't run away from life when you think you can't handle it anymore.
You can handle it baby.
You're doing fine.
Look at yourself, you're so beautiful. Do you realize that? I don't know how many times I have told you that. You would just blush and fiddle with your hair. Take a good look at yourself.
You'll see it.
Please.
I can see you swallowing. Trying desperately to get rid of the emotions clogging your throat. Swallow the emotions, not the pills.
Please.
Don't give in.
You're looking at your reflection now.
Do you see it?
Look, right there.
You're beautiful.
Please.
Please tell me you see it.
Look past the tears, past the lies, the hurt.
Look past me.
Don't think about me.
You can do it.
You can make it on your own.
I couldn't.
Please.
Please tell me you understand why I did it.
Do you?
I couldn't handle it anymore. The lies. The secrets. The image of what I was. Of what I wasn't. The pressure to be what everyone wanted me to be.
Did anyone ever stop to think of what I wanted to be?
I just wanted to be me.
Everyone was pulling me in different directions.
Do this.
Don't do that.
God dammit Josh, not like that.
Shh, you can't say that.
I couldn't deal with it anymore.
I was too weak.
But, I thought that you would be strong.
That you could be strong for me.
So, I gave in.
I gave into temptation.
But you don't have to give in.
Baby please.
Don't give in.
Please tell me that you understand.
Please.
Don't give in.
You can't give in.
I don't want you here with me now.
Not yet.
Just let me watch.
Let me watch you live.
Live the life that I never had.
Don't you understand?
You're free. Free from the lies. From the obsessions of people you don't know. No ones pulling at you. No one wants a part of you that you don't want to give
That you can't give.
Don't you see?
You can live your life in peace and not worry about what you wear or say.
I couldn't.
But, now I can.
You wouldn't believe the freedom I have now.
But, that's no excuse. No excuse to end your life.
I wish someone had told me that.
I don't like seeing the look on your face, the guys' faces, when you think of me.
The pained expression.
The confusion.
The guilt.
Don't feel guilty baby.
It was nothing you did.
It was my problem.
I didn't know how to deal with it.
No one every took the time to ask me what was wrong. How my day was.
What's wrong baby?
How was your day?
Talk to me.
Don't do it.
Don't give in.
Don't swallow death.
I hear the squeaking of the faucet being turned on.
You're gonna do it, aren't you?
Damn you.
Damn you for giving in.
You're scooping up some water in your hand. Bringing in to your mouth.
Pill goes first. Laying it on your tongue.
Head titled back.
Sip.
Swallow.
Stop.
Don't do it.
Stop giving in.
Scoop.
Lay.
Tilt.
Sip.
Swallow.
And again.
And again. Again.
Again. Again.
Still going.
There...there's the last one.
Happy now baby?
You always did give in to temptation.
You were always a sucker to try new things.
Well, this one's a new one for you.
Just wait till it starts to take affect.
Till it starts to dissolve in your stomach, swims through your veins. Till it starts clogging your brain, gripping your heart.
It's gonna tug at your eyes, inviting you to sleep forever.
You'll try to stay awake, because you know that's gonna be the last time you'll see..
Feel...
Taste...
Touch...
Hear...
You're looking at your reflection again. You see it don't you?
You see it now.
You're beautiful.
And you've wasted it.
You gave in.
You are the coward now.
You're running away, and you'll never be able to start again.
How long has it been now?
Maybe you should go head to bed. Snuggle in the safety of the sheets. Surround yourself with warmth.
Here, let me help you.
I place my hand on the small of your back.
Huh, I can feel you.
Can you feel me?
Your focus shifts in the mirror. You're looking at me through droopy eyes.
You can see me can't you?
I smile.
You smile back.
"Baby, let's go eat some cookies and milk." I whisper to you.
"And slow dance?" You ask me quietly.
"And talk until you fall asleep with me forever." I conclude softly.
Welcome to my world baby.