I was lucky enough to see the real him and not the image millions of people saw. How lucky? Joey was my friend, my boyfriend, my lover, my husband and the father of our child. Yes, he was all that and more.
Unfortunately, management didn�t accept our relation ship because of personal reasons and made him get out in public with Kelly, our high school best friend. He had to lie to all of you, saying that he was with Kelly and that she was the mother of his child and that the ring he wore, that looked similar to hers, was a promise ring. When in reality, it was our wedding band.
Luckily, I wasn�t the type of people that would analyse everything that was said and done because I knew that before he fell asleep, he called me telling me how much he loved me and how much he missed me. I knew that what he said on TV and radio and what I read in the paper were lies. He was always fascinated by how strong I was and how well I dealt with his work.
I knew that the last thing at night and first thing in the morning he thought about was our baby and I. I trusted him with my life knowing that he did everything that he was told and asked me if it was okay, even though I would always tell him that he should do what he felt was necessary. But I was thankful that he did ask my opinion.
As our baby grew up, the more he tried to be there for her. He wanted to be there when she said her first word, made her first step and all the joy a baby could bring. He was a strong person, but sometimes he broke down on the phone when he could hear the baby�s voice.
I�m proud of myself that I never put him in a place where he had to choose between his career and his family. And I am proud of his work and that he touched so many lives through the music he did with his friends. I am still amazed that fans are still talking about the group and the guys and their work.
I�m still not sure myself where this is going, but I know that this should have been done sooner. Maybe it�s because my daughter is going to get married in a few days, maybe it�s because our anniversary is coming soon, I don�t know but my heart told me to do this.
When Joey was diagnosed with cancer, we were all shocked. He made jokes about it, but I knew we weren�t all right. I could see the pain in his eyes and it killed me that I couldn�t help him more then to be there for him. How often I cried myself to sleep in his arms, wishing it were me who was sick.
We were both thankful to all the well wishes that you all sent to us. All the cards you sent and all the prayers you did. I can still remember all the time we spent on the bed reading all those letters and look at the drawings and everything. You have no idea how much it meant to him, to us.
To Joey�s request, it wasn�t told to the media what kind of cancer he had. Most of you guys said to yourself that no matter what type of cancer it was, he�d survive. He had Colorectal cancer, or cancer of the colon or rectum, it is the second leading cause of cancer-related deaths. He had the colon cancer.
Going through chemotherapy was hell for both of us. The side effects for him were the constant nausea and the hair loss. He smiled for the camera and in front of his friends but as soon as they left, his smile would fade. He was in a lot of pain and none of us liked the fact that he lost a lot of weight.
I still remember waking up in the middle of the night and walk in the bathroom to sit down beside him and rub his back with my forehead on his shoulder while he threw up. I can still hear his weak voice saying how much he hated this. I can still remember telling him how much I wished to be in his place. I can still feel his big bony hands on my face and the serious look on his face as he told me that he wouldn�t give his cancer to me even if his life depended on it.
The good thing behind his bad health was the fact that he stayed home and spent quantity time with his daughter. I can still hear him read a story to her and make her laugh by tickling her sides. I can still see it in front of me. Walking into our bedroom to see both of them asleep. Our baby lying on his chest with his arms wrapped around her tiny body.
I would stand by the door and just memorize everything. I�m glad that I took pictures of both of them. Every time I pass by the picture frame, I would stop to pick it up and stare at it for a good ten-minute. A smile would come to my lips, as a single tear would run down my cheek.
I remember when our daughter was seven. Joey had to be hospitalized. We would visit him daily. Our daughter would tell him what happened in school and I would sit there crying quietly because she didn�t understand what was going on. She would cry herself to sleep saying that her father was mad at her because he didn�t talk to her and that he always slept.
While she was in school, I would go to the hospital and talk to him while holding his hand. I would beg him to open his eyes and tell me how much he loved me. How much I cried on him begging the Lord above us to help us, but nothing happened. A few nights later, I was woken up by a phone call that changed my life forever.
After I hung up the phone I immediately called my mom and cried on the phone. Of course, she didn�t understand a word I said and told me that she�d be at the house in less then ten minutes. All I can remember was her arms wrapped around me while I sobbed into her embrace.
The funeral itself was heart breaking. Fans were there as well as artists and producers. Of course, the 4 NSYNC remainders were there too. I was crying too hard to do my speech so Joey�s brother, Steven, read my speech in my behalf. I didn�t care that the media was there and was filming me.
Every year, our daughter and I would go to his grave and just stay there for a good two hours. We would tell him about what happened in our lives and how much we missed him. We were always surprised to see a lot of fresh flowers by his grave. But we knew that he was loved by millions of people and it didn�t bother me that people came to visit him.
When our daughter turned 21, she got a package and I recognized Joey�s handwriting. The letter itself was beautiful. I still couldn�t believe that he knew that he wouldn�t be with us.
There was a video tape that had footage of him through the years he spent with NSYNC. At the end was a message from him a few days before he was hospitalized and after he talked, the person who filmed zoomed out and both of us saw her sleeping peacefully on his bony chest.
We looked into the box and found a photo album of pictures of Joey growing up. Pictures of our daughter followed it until the very last picture ever taken. I looked into the box and gasped. She pulled out a frame of a copy of the last picture that we made and beside it was a portrait of what we may have looked like right now.
Both of us cried in each other�s arms not believing how real it looked like. We both decided to hang it above the fireplace and we just sat there through the night and talked about him. I told her how often I cried whenever she walked in and did something he also did. Sometimes it was the way she bit her lip, the way she grabbed a certain object or something she said.
I know that as long as I will live, Joey will always be in my heart. It�s been 20 years now that he left us, but I can�t love another man then him. I did accept the fact that he died, but I was made to love one man and I truly believe that he was the one. He has my heart and I know we were soul mates made in heaven.
Joey, in a few days our daughter is going to get married and I know that you watch us from heaven and I know that you are proud of us. Maybe you wanted me to move on and find someone, but I can�t see myself with anyone else but you.
Until we are re-united in heaven, know that I am thinking of you, that I love you and miss you.
Your angel,
Kipley Mattalena Carrigan Fatone