Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Text by T. S. Eliot unless otherwise indicated

SOLO BOY
Are you blind when you're born?

SOLO GIRL
Can you see in the dark?

SOLO BOY
Can you look at a king? Would you sit on his throne?

SOLO BOY
Can you say of your bite that it's worse than your bark?

SOLO BOY
Are you cock of the walk

SOLO GIRL
when you're walking alone?

CHORUS
Because Jellicles are and Jellicles do,
Jellicles do and Jellicles would,
Jellicles would and Jellicles can,
Jellicles can and Jellicles do,
Jellicles can and Jellicles do.

SOLO GIRL
When you fall on your head do you land on your feet?

SOLO BOY
Are you tense when you sense there's a storm in the air?

SOLO GIRL
Can you find your way blind when you're lost in the street?

SOLO BOY
Do you know how to go to the Heavyside Layer?

CHORUS
Because Jellicles can and Jellicles do,
Jellicles do and Jellicles can,
Jellicles can and Jellicles do,
Jellicles do and Jellicles can,
Jellicles can and Jellicles do.

SOLO GIRL
Can you ride on a broomstick to places far distant

SOLO GIRL
Familiar with candle,

TWO GIRLS
with book and with bell?

SOLO GIRL
Were you Whittington's friend?

SOLO GIRL
The Pied Piper's assistant?

SOLO BOY
Have you been an alumnus of heaven or Hell?

CHORUS
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats.

GIRLS
Can you sing at the same time, in more than one key,
Duets by Rossini

MEN
and waltzes by Strauss?
And can you (as cats do) begin with a C

CHORUS
that always triumphantly brings down the house?

Jellicle Cats are queen of the nights
Singing at astronomical heights,
Handeling pieces from the Messiah,
Hallelujah, angelical choir.

The mystical divinity of unashamed felinity
Round the cathedral rang "Vivat".
Life to the everlasting cat,
Feline, fearless, faithful and true
To others who do what

Jellicles do and Jellicles can,
Jellicles can and Jellicles do,
Jellicle Cats sing Jellicle chants,
Jellicles old and Jellicles new,
Jellicle songs and Jellicle dance.

Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats.

Practical cats, dramatical cats,
Pragmatical cats, fanatical cats,
Oratorical cats, delphicoracle cats,
Sceptical cats, dispeptical cats,

Romantical cats, pendantical cats,
Critical cats, parasitical cats,
Allegorical cats, metaphorical cats,
Statistical cats and mystical cats,
Political cats,

hypocritical cats,
Clerical cats, hysterical cats,
Cynical cats, rabbinical cats.

Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle bells that Jellicles ring,
Jellicle sharps and Jellicle flats,
Jellicle songs that Jellicles sing,

Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats,
Jellicle songs for Jellicle Cats.

SOLO BOY
There's a man over there with a look of surprise,
As much as to say, well now how about that?
Do I actually see with my own very eyes
A man who's not heard of a Jellicle Cat?

CHORUS
What's a Jellicle Cat?
What's a Jellicle Cat?

CHORUS
The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
When I tell you a cat must have three different names.

First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey,
All of them sensible everyday names.

There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter,
But all of them sensible everyday names.

But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?

Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum,
Names that never belong to more than one cat.

But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess:
The name that no human research can discover,
But the cat himself knows, and will never confess.

When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:

His ineffable effable
Effanineffable
Deep and inscrutable singular name.

SOLO GIRL
I have a Gumbie Cat in mind,
Her name is Jennyanydots;
Her coat is of the tabby kind,
with tiger stripes and leopard spots.

All day she sits upon the stair
or on the steps or on the mat:
She sits and sits and sits and sits,
and that's what makes a Gumbie Cat,
that's what makes a Gumbie Cat!

GIRLS
But when the day's hustle and bustle is done,
Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun.

And when all the family's in bed and asleep
She tucks up her skirts to the basement to creep.

She is deeply concerned with the ways of the mice:

SOLO GIRL
Their behaviour's not good and their manners not nice;

GIRLS
So when she has got them lined up on the matting,
She teaches them

SOLO GIRL
music, crocheting and tatting.

SOLO GIRL
I have a Gumbie Cat in mind,
Her name is Jennyanydots;
Her equal would be hard to find,
she likes the warm and sunny spots.

All day she sits beside the hearth
or in the sun or on my hat:
She sits and sits and sits and sits,
and that's what makes a Gumbie Cat,
that's what makes a Gumbie Cat!

GIRLS
But when the day's hustle and bustle is done,
Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun.

As she finds that the mice will not ever keep quiet,
She is sure it is due to

SOLO GIRL
irregular diet

GIRLS
And believing that

SOLO GIRL
nothing is done without trying,

GIRLS
She sets right to work with her baking and frying.

She makes them a mouse-cake of bread and dried peas,

SOLO GIRL
And a beautiful fry of lean bacon and cheese.

SOLO GIRL
I have a Gumbie Cat in mind,
Her name is

GIRLS
Jennyanydots;

SOLO GIRL
The curtain cord she likes to wind,
and tie it into sailor knots.

She sits upon the windowsill
or anything that's smooth and flat:
She sits and sits and sits and sits,
and that's what makes a Gumbie Cat,
that's what makes a Gumbie Cat!

GIRLS
But when the day's hustle and bustle is done,
Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun.

She thinks that the cockroaches

SOLO GIRL
need employment

GIRLS
to prevent them from

SOLO GIRL
idle and wanton destroyment.

GIRLS
So she's formed, from that lot of disorderly louts,
A troop of well-disciplined helpful boy scouts,

SOLO GIRL
With a purpose in life and a good deed to do;

GIRLS
And she's even created a Beetles' Tattoo.

CHORUS
For she's a Jolly Good Fellow...

GUMBIE CAT
Thank you, my dears!

CHORUS
The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat:

R. T. TUGGER
If you offer me pheasant I'd rather have grouse.
If you put me in a house I would much prefer a flat,
If you put me in a flat then I'd rather have a house.
If you set me on a mouse then I only want a rat,
If you set me on a rat then I'd rather chase a mouse.

CHORUS
The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat,

R. T. TUGGER
And there isn't any call for me to shout it:

CHORUS
For he will do as he do do

R. T. TUGGER
And there's no doing anything about it!

The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore:
When you let me in, then I want to be out;
I'm always on the wrong side of every door,
And as soon as I'm at home, then I'd like to get about.
I like to lie in the bureau drawer,
But I make such a fuss if I can't get out.

CHORUS
The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat,

R. T. TUGGER
And there isn't any use for you to doubt it:

CHORUS
For he will do as he do do

R. T. TUGGER
And there's no doing anything about it!

SOLO GIRL
The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious beast:

R. T. TUGGER
My disobliging ways are a matter of habit.
If you offer me fish then I only want a feast;
When there isn't any fish then I won't eat a rabbit.
If you offer me cream then I sniff and sneer,
For I only like what I find for myself;
So you'll catch me in it right up to my ears,
If you put it away on the larder shelf.

CHORUS
The Rum Tum Tugger is artful and knowing.
The Rum Tum Tugger

R. T. TUGGER
doesn't care for a cuddle;
But I'll leap on your lap in the middle of your sewing,
For there's nothing I enjoy like a horrible muddle.

CHORUS
The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat,

R. T. TUGGER
And there isn't any need for me to spout it:

CHORUS
For he will do as he do do

R. T. TUGGER
And there's no doing anything a-bow, a-wow, about it!

SOLO GIRL
Bustopher Jones is not skin and bones,

SOLO GIRL
In fact he's remarkably fat.

SOLO GIRL
He doesn't haunt pubs,

SOLO GIRL
he has eight or nine clubs,

GIRLS
For he's the St. James's Street Cat!

SOLO GIRL
He's the cat we all greet as he walks down the street
In his coat of fastidious black:

SOLO GIRL
No commonplace mousers have such well-cut trousers

SOLO GIRL
Or such an impeccable back.

SOLO GIRL
In the whole of St. James's the smartest of names is
The name of this Brummell of cats;

GIRLS
And we're all of us proud to be nodded or bowed to
By Bustopher Jones in white spats!

BUSTOPHER JONES
My visits are occasional to the Senior Educational
And it is against the rules
For any one cat to belong both to that
and the Joint Superior Schools.

For a similar reason, when game is in season
I'm found not at Fox's but Blimp's;
I am frequently seen at the gay Stage and Screen
Which is famous for winkles and shrimps.

In the season of ven'son I give my ben'son
to the Pothunter's succulent bones;
And just before noon's not a moment too soon
To drop in for a drink at the Drones.

When I'm seen in a hurry there's probably curry
At the Siamese or at the Glutton;
If I look full of gloom then I've lunched at the Tomb
On cabbage, rice pudding and mutton.

CHORUS
In the whole of St. James's the smartest of names is
The name of this Brummell of cats;
And we're all of us proud to be nodded or bowed to
By Bustopher Jones in white,
Bustopher Jones in white,
Bustopher Jones in white spats.

SOLO GIRL
So, much in this way, passes Bustopher's day,
At one club or another he's found.
It can be no surprise that under our eyes
He has grown unmistakably round.

He's a twenty-five pounder,

BUSTOPHER JONES
or I am a bounder,

SOLO GIRL
And he's putting on weight every day:

BUSTOPHER JONES
But I'm so well-preserved because I've observed
All my life a routine; and I'd say

I am still in my prime: I shall last out my time.

SOLO GIRL
That's the word from this stoutest of cats.

CHORUS
It must and it shall be Spring in Pall Mall
While Bustopher Jones wears white,
Bustopher Jones wears white,
Bustopher Jones in white spats!

MUNGOJERRIE
Mungojerrie

RUMPELTEAZER
and Rumpelteazer

BOTH
were a notorious couple of cats.
As knock-about clowns, quick change comedians, tight rope walkers and acrobats.

RUMPELTEAZER
They have an extensive reputation.

MUNGOJERRIE
They made their home in Victoria Grove:

BOTH
That was merely their centre of operation, for they were incurably given to rove.

RUMPELTEAZER
If the area window was found ajar.

MUNGOJERRIE
And the basement looked like a field of war,
If a tile or two comes loose on the roof,

RUMPELTEAZER
Which presently ceased to be waterproof,

BOTH
If the drawers were pulled out from the bedroom chests,
And you couldn't find one of your winter vests,

RUMPELTEAZER
Or after supper one of the girls
Suddenly missed her Woolworth pearls,

BOTH
Then the family would say:
"It's that horrible cat!

MUNGOJERRIE
"Was it Mungojerrie

RUMPELTEAZER
"or Rumpelteazer?"

BOTH
And most of the time they left it at that.

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer had an unusual gift of the gab.

MUNGOJERRIE
They were highly efficient cat burglars as well

RUMPELTEAZER
and remarkably smart at the smash and grab.
They made their home in Victoria Grove.

MUNGOJERRIE
They have no regular occupation.

BOTH
They were plausible fellows who like to engage a friendly policeman in conversation.

When the family was assembled for Sunday dinner,
Their minds made up that they won't get thinner

MUNGOJERRIE
On Argentine joint,

RUMPELTEAZER
potatoes and greens,

BOTH
Then the cook would appear from behind the scenes

MUNGOJERRIE
and say in a voice that was broken with sorrow:

RUMPELTEAZER
"I'm afraid you must wait and have dinner tomorrow!

BOTH
"The joint has gone from the oven, like that!"
Then the family would say:
"It's that horrible cat!

MUNGOJERRIE
"Was it Mungojerrie

RUMPELTEAZER
"or Rumpelteazer?"

BOTH
And most of the time they left it at that.

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer have a wonderful way of working together.

RUMPELTEAZER
And some of the time you would say it was luck,

MUNGOJERRIE
and some of the time you would say it was weather.

BOTH
They'd go through the house like a hurricane,

RUMPELTEAZER
and no sober person could take his oath

MUNGOJERRIE
Was it Mungojerrie

RUMPELTEAZER
or Rumpelteazer?

BOTH
or could you have sworn that it mightn't be both?

MUNGOJERRIE
And when you heard a dining room smash

RUMPELTEAZER
Or up from the pantry there came a loud crash

MUNGOJERRIE
Or down from the library came a loud ping

RUMPELTEAZER
From a vase which was commonly said to be Ming;

BOTH
Then the family would say:
"Now which was which cat?
It was Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer!"
And there's nothing at all to be done about that!
And there's nothing at all to be done about that!

SOLO BOY
Well, of all things... Can it be, really!...
Yes! No! Ho! Hi! Oh, my eye!
My mind may be wandering, but I must confess
I believe it is Old Deuteronomy!

CHORUS
Well, of all things... Can it be, really!...
Yes! No! Ho! Hi! Oh, my eye!

OLD DEUTERONOMY
My legs may be tottery, I must go slow
And be careful of Old Deuteronomy!

SOLO BOY
Old Deuteronomy's lived a long time;
He's a cat who has lived many lives in succession.
He was famous in proverb and famous in rhyme,
A long while before Queen Victoria's accession.

SOLO BOY
Old Deuteronony's buried nine wives and more;
I am tempted to say ninety-nine.
And his numerous progeny prospers and thrives
And the village is proud of him in his decline.

SOLO BOY
At the sight of that placid and bland physiognomy,
When he sits in the sun on the vicarage wall,
The oldest inhabitant croaks:

"Well, of all things... Can it be, really!...
Yes! No! Ho! Hi! Oh, my eye!
My mind may be wandering, but I must confess
I believe it is Old Deuteronomy!"

CHORUS
Well, of all things... Can it be, really!...
Yes! No! Ho! Hi! Oh, my eye!

OLD DEUTERONOMY
My legs may be tottery, I must go slow
And be careful of Old Deuteronomy!

GIRLS
Jellicle Cats come out tonight,
Jellicle Cats come one come all:
The Jellicle Moon is shining bright:
Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball.

BOYS
Jellicle Cats are black and white,
Jellicle Cats are rather small;
Jellicle Cats are merry and bright,

GIRLS
And pleasant to hear when we caterwaul.

BOYS
Jellicle Cats have cheerful faces,
Jellicle Cats have bright black eyes;

GIRLS
We like to practise our airs and graces,

ALL
And wait for the Jellicle Moon to rise.

BOYS
Jellicle Cats develop slowly,

SOLO BOY
Jellicle Cats are not too big;

GIRLS
Jellicle Cats are roly poly

ALL
We know how to dance a gavotte and a jig.

SOLO GIRL
Until the Jellicle Moon appears
We make our toilette and take our repose:

SOLO BOY
Jellicles wash behind their ears,

SOLO GIRL
Jellicles dry between their toes.

SOLO BOY
Jellicle Cats are white and black,

SOLO GIRL
Jellicle Cats are of moderate size;

SOLO BOY
Jellicles jump like a jumping jack;

SOLO BOY
Jellicle Cats have moonlit eyes.

ALL
We're quiet enough in the morning hours,
We're quiet enough in the afternoon,

SOLO BOY
Reserving our terpsichorean powers

SOLO BOY
To dance by the light of the Jellicle Moon.

BOY & GIRL
Jellicle Cats are black

GIRLS
and white,

BOYS 1
Jellicle Cats (as we said) are small;

BOYS 2
If it happens to be a stormy night

BOYS 3
We will practise a caper or two in the hall.

GIRLS
If it happens the sun is shining bright

SOLO BOY
You would say we had nothing to do at all:

ALL
We are resting and saving ourselves to be right,
For the Jellicle Moon and the Jellicle Ball.

Jellicle Cats come out tonight,
Jellicle Cats come one come all:
The Jellicle Moon is shining bright:
Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball.

SOLO GIRL
She haunted many a low resort
near the grimy road of Tottenham Court;
She flitted about the Noman's Land
From the Rising Sun to The Friend at Hand.

And the postman sighed, as he scratched his head:
'You'd really have thought she ought to be dead
And who would ever suppose that THAT
Was Grizabella, the Glamour Cat!'

CHORUS
Grizabella, the Glamour Cat,
Grizabella, the Glamour Cat,
Who'd have ever supposed that THAT
Was Grizabella, the Glamour Cat!

SOLO GIRL
Gus is the Cat at the Theatre Door.
His name, as I ought to have told you before,
Is really Asparagus. But that's such a fuss
To pronounce, that we usually call him just Gus.

His coat's very shabby, he's thin as a rake,
And he suffers from palsy that makes his paw shake.
Yet he was, in his youth, quite the smartest of cats:
But no longer a terror to mice and to rats.

For he isn't the cat that he was in his prime;
Though his name was quite famous, he says, in his time.
And when ever he joins his friends at their club
(Which takes place at the back of the neighbouring pub.)

He loves to regale them, if someone else pays,
With anecdotes drawn from his balmiest days.
For he once was a Star of the highest degree:
He has acted with Irving, he's acted with Tree.

And he likes to relate his success on the Halls,
Where the Gallery gave him seven cat-calls.
But his grandest creation, as he loves to tell,
Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell.

GUS
I have played, in my time, every possible part,
And I used to know seventy speeches by heart.
I'd extemporize back-chat, I knew how to gag,
And I knew how to let the cat out of the bag.

I knew how to act with my back and my tail;
With an hour of rehearsal, I never could fail.
I'd a voice that would soften the hardest of hearts,
Whether I took the lead, or in character parts.

I have sat by the bedside of poor little Nell;
When the Curfew was rung, then I swung on the bell.
In the Pantomime season I never fell flat,
and I once understudied Dick Whittington's cat.

But my grandest creation, as history will tell,
Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell.

SOLO GIRL
Then, if someone will give him a toothful of gin,
He will tell how he once played a part in 'East Lynne'.
At a Shakespeare performance he once walked on pat,
when some actor suggested the need for a cat.

GUS
And I say: Now, these kittens, they do not get trained
As we did in the days when Victoria reigned.
They never get drilled in a regular troupe,
And they think they are smart, just to jump through a hoop.

SOLO GIRL
And he says as he scratches himself with his claws:

GUS
Well, the Theatre is certainly not what it was.
These modern productions are all very well,
but there's nothing to equal, from what I hear tell,
That moment of mystery
When I made history
As Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell.

SOLO BOY
Growltiger was a Bravo Cat, who traveled on a barge:

BOYS
In fact he was the roughest cat that ever roamed at large.

CHORUS
From Gravesend up to Oxford he pursued his evil aims,
Rejoicing in his title of

SOLO BOY
'The Terror of the Thames'.

SOLO BOY
His manners and appearance did not calculate to please;
His coat was torn and seedy, he was baggy at the knees;
One ear was somewhat missing, no need to tell you why,
And he scowled upon a hostile world from one forbidding eye.

CHORUS
The cottagers of Rotherhithe knew something of his fame;
At Hammersmith and Putney people shuddered at his name.

SOLO BOY
They would fortify the henhouse, lock up the silly goose,

CHORUS
When the rumour ran along the shore:

SOLO BOY
'Growltiger's on the loose!'

SOLO BOY
Woe to the weak canary, that fluttered from its cage;

SOLO BOY
Woe to the pampered Pekinese, that faced Growltiger's rage;

SOLO BOY
Woe to the bristly Bandicoot, that lurks on foreign ships,

SOLO BOY
And woe to any cat with whom Growltiger came to grips!

SOLO BOY
But most to cats of foreign race his hatred had been vowed:

SOLO GIRL
To cats of foreign name and race no quarter was allowed.

SOLO GIRL
The Persian and the Siamese regarded him with fear,

SOLO GIRL
Because it was a Siamese had mauled his missing ear.

SOLO BOY
Now on a peaceful summer night, all nature seemed at play,
The tender moon was shining bright, the barge at Molesey lay.

CHORUS
All in the balmy moonlight it lay rocking on the tide,
And Growltiger was disposed to show his sentimental side.

SOLO BOY
Growltiger's Buck-o-mate, Grumbuskin, long since had disappeared,

SOLO BOY
For to The Bell at Hampton he had gone to wet his beard;

SOLO BOY
And his bosun, Tumble Brutus, he too had stol'n away:
In the yard behind the Lion he was prowling for his prey.

SOLO BOY (GROWLTIGER)
In the forepeak of the vessel Growltiger sat alone,

SOLO GIRL (GRIDDLEBONE)
Concentrating his attention on the Lady Griddlebone.

BOYS
And his raffish crew were sleeping in their barrels and their bunks,

SIAMESE CATS
As the Siamese came creeping in their sampans and their junks.

SOLO BOY (GROWLTIGER)
Growltiger had no eye or ear for aught but Griddlebone,

SOLO GIRL (GRIDDLEBONE)
And the Lady seemed enraptured by his manly baritone,

BOTH (GROWLTIGER & GRIDDLEBONE)
Disposed to relaxation, and awaiting no surprise;

SIAMESE CATS
But the moonlight shone reflected from a thousand bright blue eyes.

And closer still and closer the sampans circled round,
And yet from all the enemy there was not heard a sound.
The foe was armed with roasting forks and cruel carving knives,

BOTH (GROWLTIGER & GRIDDLEBONE)
And the lovers sang their last duet, in danger of their lives.

SOLO BOY (GILBERT)
Then Gilbert gave the signal to his fierce Mongolian horde;
With frightful burst of fireworks the Chinks they swarmed aboard.

SOLO GIRL (GRIDDLEBONE)
Then Griddlebone she gave a screech, for she was badly skeered;
I'm sorry to admit it, but she quickly disappeared.

SOLO BOY (GILBERT)
She probably escaped with ease, I'm sure she was not drowned;

SIAMESE CATS
But a serried ring of flashing steel Growltiger did surround.

The ruthless foe pressed forward, in stubborn rank on rank;

SOLO BOY (GROWLTIGER)
Growltiger to his vast surprise was forced to walk the plank.

SIAMESE CATS
He who a hundred victims had driven to that drop,
At the end of all his crimes was forced to go kerflip, kerflop.

Oh there was joy in Wapping when the news flew through the land;
at Maidenhead and Henley there was dancing on the strand.
Rats were roasted whole in Brentford, and Victoria Dock,
And a day of celebration was commanded in Bangkok.

GROWLTIGER
Oh, how well I remember the old Bull and Bush,
Where we used to go down of a Sattaday night,
Where, when anythink happened, it come with a rush,
For the boss, Mr Clark, he was very polite;

A very nice House, from basement to garret
A very nice House. Ah, but it was the parret,
The parret, the parret named Billy M'Caw,
that brought all those folk to the bar.
Ah! he was the life of the bar.

Of a Sattaday night, we was all feeling bright,
And Lily La Rose, the barmaid that was, she'd say

'Billy! Billy M'Caw! Come give us, come give us a dance on the bar.'
And Billy would dance on the bar, and Billy would dance on the bar.
And then we'd feel balmy, in each eye a tear,
And emotion would make us all order more beer.

Lily, she was a girl what had brains in her head;
She wouldn't have nothing, no not that much said.
If it come to an argument, or a dispute,
She'd settle it offhand with the toe of her boot.

Or as likely as not put her fist through your eye.
But when we was happy, and just a bit dry,
Or when we was thirsty, and just a bit sad,
She would rap on the bar with that corkscrew she had
And say

GROWLTIGER & GRIDDLEBONE
'Billy! Billy M'Caw!

GROWLTIGER
Come give us a tune on your pastoral flute!'
And Billy'd strike up on his pastoral flute,

GROWLTIGER & GRIDDLEBONE
and Billy'd strike up on his pastoral flute.

GROWLTIGER
And then we'd feel balmy, in each eye a tear,
And emotion would make us all order more beer.

GROWLTIGER & GRIDDLEBONE
'Billy! Billy M'Caw! Come give us a tune on your moley guitar!'
And Billy'd strike up on his moley guitar, and Billy'd strike up on his moley guitar.
And then we'd feel balmy, in each eye a tear,
And emotion would make us all order more beer.

CHORUS
'Billy! Billy M'Caw! Come give us a tune on your moley guitar!'

GROWLTIGER
Ah! He was the Life of the bar.

SOLO GIRL
Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat,

CHORUS
the cat of the Railway Train!

SKIMBLE
There's a whisper down the line at eleven thirty-nine
When the Night Mail's ready to depart,

SOLO GIRL
Saying 'Skimble where is Skimble, has he gone to hunt the thimble?
We must find him or the train can't start.'

SKIMBLE
All the guards and all the porters and the station-master's daughters
would be searching high and low,
Saying 'Skimble where is Skimble, for unless he's very nimble
Then the Night Mail just can't go.'

At eleven forty-two with the signal overdue
And the passengers all frantic to a man,
That's when I would appear and I'd saunter to the rear:
I'd been busy in the luggage van!

CHORUS
Then he gave one flash of his glass-green eyes
And the signal went 'All Clear!'

SKIMBLE
They'd be off at last for the northern part
Of the Northern Hemisphere.

CHORUS
Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat, the cat of the Railway Train!

SKIMBLE
You could say that by and large it was me who was in charge
Of the Sleeping Car Express.
From the driver and the guards to the bagmen playing cards
I would supervise them all, more or less.

CHORUS
Down the corridor he paces and examines all the faces
Of the travellers in the First and the Third;

SOLO GIRL
He establishes control by a regular patrol

CHORUS
And he'd know at once if anything occurred.

SKIMBLE
He would watch you without winking and he saw what you were thinking
And it's certain that he didn't approve
Of hilarity and riot, so the folk were very quiet
When Skimble was about and on the move.

CHORUS
You could play no pranks with Skimbleshanks!
He's a cat that cannot be ignored;

SOLO GIRL
So nothing went wrong on the Northern Mail
When Skimbleshanks was aboard.

SKIMBLE
It was very pleasant when they found their little den
with their name written up on the door.
And the berth was very neat with a newly folded sheet
And not a speck of dust on the floor.

There was every sort of light, you could make it dark or bright,
And a button that you turn to make a breeze;
And a funny little basin you're supposed to wash your face in
And a crank to shut the window should you sneeze.

Then the guard looked in politely and would ask you very brightly
'Do you like your morning tea

GIRLS
'weak or strong?'

SKIMBLE
But I was just behind him and was ready to remind him,
For Skimble won't let anything go wrong.

CHORUS
When they crept into their cosy berth
And pulled up the counterpane
They ought to reflect that it's very nice
To know that they wouldn't be bothered by mice:
They could leave all that to the Railway Cat, the Cat of the Railway Train!

Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat, the cat of the Railway Train!

SKIMBLE
In the watches of the night I was always fresh and bright:
Every now and then I'd have a cup of tea
With perhaps a drop of Scotch while I was keeping on the watch,
Only stopping here and there to catch a flea.

They were fast asleep in Crewe and so they never knew
that I was walking up and down the station;
They were sleeping all the while I was busy at Carlisle,
Where I met the station-master with elation.

They might see me at Dumfries, if I summoned the police
If there was anything they ought to know about:

CHORUS
When they got to Gallowgate there they didn't have to wait,
For Skimbleshanks would help them to get out!

And he gave you a wave of his long brown tail
Which says: 'I'll see you again!
You'll meet without fail on the Midnight Mail
the Cat of the Railway Train.'

SOLO GIRL
Macavity's a Mystery Cat: he's called the Hidden Paw,
For he's the master criminal who can defy the law.
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair:
For when they reach the scene of crime, Macavity's not there.

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity,
He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity.
His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,
And when you reach the scene of crime, Macavity's not there!

You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air:
But I tell you once and once again, Macavity's not there!

SOLO GIRL
Macavity's a ginger cat, he's very tall and thin;
You would know him if you saw him, for his eyes are sunken in.
His brow is deeply lined with thought, his head is highly domed;
His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed.

He sways his head from side to side, with movements of a snake;
And when you think he's half asleep he's always wide awake.

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity
There he's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity.
You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square:
But when a crime's discovered, then Macavity's not there!

SOLO GIRL
He's outwardly respectable. (I know he cheats at cards.)
And his footprints are not found in any file of Scotland Yard's

SOLO GIRL
And when the larder's looted,

SOLO GIRL
or the jewel-case is rifled,

SOLO GIRL
or when the milk is missing,

SOLO GIRL
or another Peke's been stifled,

SOLO GIRL
Or the greenhouse glass is broken, and the trellis past repair,

GIRLS
There's the wonder of the thing, Macavity's not there!

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity.
For never was there a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity.
He always has an alibi, and one or two to spare:
Whatever time the deed took place, Macavity wasn't there!

And when the Foreign Office find a Treaty's gone astray,
Or the Admiralty lose some plans or drawings by the way,
And when the loss has been disclosed, the Secret Service say:
'It must have been Macavity!' but he's a mile away.

You'll be sure to find him wrestling, or a-licking of his thumbs,
Or engaged in doing complicated long division sums.

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity.
For never was there a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity.
He always has an alibi, and one or two to spare:
Whatever time the deed took place, Macavity wasn't there!

And they say that all the cats whose wicked deeds are widely known

SOLO GIRL
(I might mention Mungojerrie, Rumpelteazer, Griddlebone)

GIRLS
Are nothing more than agents for the cat who all the time
just controls the operations: The Napoleon of Crime!

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity
He's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity.
You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square:
But when a crime's discovered, then Macavity's not there!

SOLO BOY
You ought to ask Mr. Mistofelees!
The Original Conjuring Cat.

The greatest magicians have something to learn
From Mister Mistofelees's Conjuring Turn.

MISTOFELEES
Presto!

SOLO BOY
And we all say:

CHORUS
Oh! Well! I never!
Was there a cat so clever as Magical Mister Mistofelees?
Oh! Well! I never!
Was there a cat so clever as Magical Mister Mistofelees?

SOLO BOY
He is quiet, he is small, he is black
From his ears to the tip of his tail;
He can creep through the tiniest crack,
He can walk on the narrowest rail.

He can pick any card from a pack,
He is equally cunning with dice;
He is always deceiving you into believing
That he's only hunting for mice.

He can play any trick with a cork
Or a spoon and a bit of fish paste;
If you look for a knife or a fork
And you think it was merely misplaced,

You have seen it one moment, and then it is gawn!
But you'll find it next week lying out in the lawn.

And we all say:

CHORUS
Oh! Well! I never!
Was there a cat so clever as Magical Mister Mistofelees?
Oh! Well! I never!
Was there a cat so clever as Magical Mister Mistofelees?

SOLO BOY
His manner is vague and aloof,
You would think there was nobody shyer,
But his voice has been heard from the roof
When he was curled up by the fire.

And he's sometimes been heard by the fire,
When he was about on the roof
(At least we all heard that somebody purred)
Which is incontestable proof

Of his singular magical powers:
And I've know the family to call
Him in the garden for hours
While he was asleep in the hall.

And not long ago this phenomenal cat
Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!

And we all said:

CHORUS
Oh! Well! I never!
Was there a cat so clever as Magical Mister Mistofelees?
Oh! Well! I never!
Was there a cat so clever as Magical Mister Mistofelees?
Oh! Well! I never!
Was there a cat so clever as Magical Mister Mistofelees?
Oh! Well! I never!
Was there a cat so clever as Magical Mister Mistofelees?
Oh! Well! I never!
Was there a cat so clever as Magical Mister Mistofelees?
Oh! Well! I never!
Was there a cat so clever as Magical Mister Mistofelees?

SOLO BOY
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the marvellous, Magical Mister Mistofelees!

MISTOFELEES
Presto!

GRIZABELLA
Midnight. Not a sound from the pavement.
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone.
In the lamplight the withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan.

Memory all alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days,
I was beautiful then.
I remember the time I knew what happiness was,
Let the memory live again.

Every street lamp seems to beat
a fatalistic warning.
Someone mutters and a street lamp gutters
and soon it will be morning.

Daylight. I must wait for the sunrise,
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in.
When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin.

Burnt out ends of smoky days,
the stale cold smell of morning.
The street lamp dies, another night is over,
another day is dawning.

Touch me. It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
of my days in the sun.
If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is.
Look, a new day has begun.

CHORUS
Up up up past the Russell Hotel
Up up up up to the Heavyside Layer.
Up up up past the Russell Hotel
Up up up up to the Heavyside Layer.
Up up up past the Russell Hotel
Up up up up to the Heavyside Layer.
Up up up past the Russell Hotel
Up up up up to the Heavyside Layer.

OLD DEUTERONOMY
You've heard of several kinds of cat,
And my opinion now is that
You should need no interpreter
To understand our character.

You'll learned enough to take the view
That cats are much like me and you.
You've seen us both at work and games,
And learnt about our proper names,

Our habits and our habitat:
But how would you ad-dress a cat?

ALL
So first your memory I'll jog,
And say: a cat is not a dog.

OLD DEUTERONOMY
Now dogs pretend they like to fight;
They often bark, more seldom bite;
But yet a dog is, on the whole,
What you would call a simple soul.

The usual dog about the town
Is much inclined to play the clown,
And far from showing too much pride
Is frequently undignified.

He's such an easygoing lout,
He'll answer any hail or shout.

ALL
The usual dog about the town
is much inclined to play the clown.

Again I must remind you that
A dog's a dog, a cat's a cat.

OLD DEUTERONOMY
With cats, some say, one rule is true:
Don't speak until you are spoken to.
Myself, I do not hold with that.
I say, you should ad-dress a cat.

But always keep in mind that he
Resents familiarity.
You bow, and taking off your hat,
ad-dress him in this form: O Cat!

Before a cat will condescend
To treat you as a trusted friend,
Some little token of esteem
Is needed, like a dish of cream;

And you might now and then supply
Some caviare or Strassburg Pie,
Some potted grouse, or salmon paste;
He's sure to have his personal taste.

And so in time you reach your aim
call him by his name.

ALL
A cat's entitled to expect
these evidences of respect,

So this is this, and that is that:
And there's how you ad-dress a cat.

A cat's entitled to expect
these evidences of respect,

So this is this, and that is that:
And there's how you ad-dress a cat.