MIRACLES

CHAPTER 4

Brenda was stuffed; she couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten so much. Directly after dinner she and Lois and slowly made their way to the living room only to throw their bodies on to the couch.

“Thank god I don’t live here anymore! With dinners like that, we’d have the return of Tub-o in no time.”
“Oh Please! You’re as thin as you’ve always been and just a beautiful.”
“Not that some people would notice” she said, but as the words passed thru her lips she instantly regretted it. “I’m sorry, just forget I said that”
“Why? It’s not like you will. I know you’re still in love with him.”
“I still care about him and that should be obvious”
“Listen Brenda, you can’t hide your heart from you best gal pal. I know how much you loved him and let’s face it; he’s a great guy and women are crazy about him.
“Women? Who?” she asked anxiously
“Oh you have it bad girlfriend! What are you going to do if he ever moves on?”
Brenda could feel her cheeks beginning to brighten at the thought of Jax with someone else. Maybe he already had found someone? She had seen it happen once before and she remembered how much it had hurt to watch.”
“Has he moved on?”
“No, but that doesn’t mean he won’t eventually.”
“I know that and I want him to be happy; I really do. It just that I loved him so much and–“
“Correction, you still love him.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway Lois; you didn’t see the way he looked at me today.”
“Well he’s still angry Bren. Can you really blame him?”
“Of course not, but I thought it might be at least a little easier after two years.”
“Easier for who Brenda? You or him?”
“I don’t know, both I guess. I just don’t know how to act around him or what to say. How does someone apologize for a lifetime of mistakes?”
“I don’t know Bren; I really wish I did” she said as she watched Brenda rise from the couch and begin to pace the room. Lois knew what she had to do and she was the only one that could do it.
“I can tell you something I do know though and that is; life is to short and too precious to waste on regret. Brenda, I know how sorry you are for what happened with Jax but you’ve been punishing yourself for the last two years for something you’ll never be able to change. It’s time you finally take your life back Brenda and live it!”

Brenda couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Out of all the people in her life, Lois had always understood and supported her decisions even if she didn’t totally agree. She knew her life in London wasn’t perfect but she didn’t need Lois to point it out to her.

“I have a life, it just happens to be in London now. I thought you understood that.”
“That’s not a life Brenda and you know it.”
“Well its mine now; please don’t tell me how to live it.”
“I wouldn’t if you were actually living but you’re not; you’re dying everyday and I can’t watch it anymore! Just admit it Brenda!”
“Admit what Lois? This whole conversation is ridiculous!”
“Admit that you hate it there! Admit that you want to come home! Just tell the truth!”
“Fine!! I hate it, ok? I’ve hated every single solitary day of it! Are you happy now?” she screamed as tears began rolling down her face.

Slowly Brenda sat back down on the couch and collapsed in her final defeat. Lois moved in closer and took her best friends hand in hers. She knew she had been hard on Brenda but it had been out of pure love for her. Brenda had been living a lie and Lois had let her get away with it for two years but it was time to face what she was doing to herself.

“Then why haven’t you come home Brenda? You have so many people hear that love you? This was and still is your home; don’t you think you deserve to be here?’

Brenda took her face in both hands as she contemplated the answer to Lois’ question. She knew the reason, but it wasn’t till now that she was ready to admit it.
“It’s Jax isn’t it?” she asked.
Brenda could simply nod in acceptance as she looked up from her hands. Jax had always been the reason for her staying away. At first it had been to spare him the pain of seeing her and reminding him of what they had lost but later it was her own fear that kept her away. It was the fear that she had wreaked the only relationship that would ever make her happy. The fear that she had single handedly ruined her whole life.

Lois took a moment and stared deeply into her best friends eyes; she knew she was right.
“Listen Brenda, I understand how much you love him and that’s ok but what isn’t ok is for you to sacrifice your life for that love. I know he’s angry at you but even Jax wouldn’t want you to ruin your life on account of him.

Brenda nodded in agreement, she knew that Lois was right but where did it leave her now? It had been so long since she had thought about being happy and now she wasn’t even sure if she remembered how.

“Oh my god, how many times can a person start their life over? I must be on 4 or 5 by now” she said with a sigh.

“As many times as it takes, Brenda. As many times as it takes.”