World According to Andy Rooney - some gems here!

Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with
your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they
have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at
them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in.
Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this
away for me? Thank You."

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was
for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married'
(walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take
off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out
of your clothes.

Cripes:
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.'
Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the
church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I
wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They
say, 'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always
feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask
someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas.
"Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says,
'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your
grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests.
Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for
your birthday.

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to
house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece
I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los
Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we
should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can
rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of
commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the
whole thing.

Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18%
that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and
vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand
up for what you believe you're not sure about."