| Brad's experience: You know you are getting into something serious when the instructor says you still have time to leave 3 times during the orientation meeting. And this was serious! As we rode the rattletrap bus out of Kathmandu into the surrounding foothills, we passed the many poor people and gained our first exposure to life beyond the city. The location was in the hills and gave a splendid view of the valley save for the cover of dust and smog. We entered the center and deposited our valuables with the management and hurried off to our rooms. I was a bit sad that I did not say goodbye to Jennifer in the way I wanted. My room was in a cinder block building. It had 20 other beds and was shared by a man I later learned was Robert. The first night we spoke with some of the other participants and nervously made chatter. I was touched when a Nepali man approached me and wanted to know how I came to be there. I told him I learned of the course 2 weeks prior and signed up for the next destination of which we were going to be. He shared how he had been trying to attend a Vipassana course for 4 years and that this was a realization of his dreams. He had always allowed other members of family to go before him. Disturbingly the gong went off at 4am the next day. One of my most dreaded things in life is to have to get up early. This would truely be a challenge. I arrived early to the hall, beat there only by Jennifer. The first several days were enjoyable but increasingly difficult. As we sat, my body was asking for me to change my position continuously. I focused on my breath and sensation, and found this to be rather easy. I have done some similar things through my work. I found I was able to focus deeply and had control of my mind, but could not do it for long periods of time. Since I was making progress I was looking forward to learning more about the technique. Since Jennifer had originally not wanted to do the course, I could not help thinking about how things were going for her. I would try to catch her eye at times, but she was stone cold serious. Nothing doing! Not until the sixth day did she give me a glance. I also noticed that two guys behind me had mysteriously disappeared. On the first day I saw them talking and knew they were not serious. They must have quit. Early on I was working hard and enjoying myself. I would rest between sessions and had no problems getting up at 4am. Every evening I would sit and watch the sun set over the Kathmandu valley. It was pleasant to be in this place and to be working on myself. As we progressed in the technique and began to broaded to the sensations of the body I was making great progress. It is important thought to experience everything without attatchment. If I am attatched to making progress, or feeling sensations, them I am working in exactly the wrong direction. I was able to sit for longer periods of day and was able to observe sensations through out my body. We met breifly with the teacher every other day and wished he would spend more time giving me feedback. But this is solo process, and to keep it pure, he would say as little as possible, just making sure I was clear about the technique. On day four we were expected to be able to sit for 1 hour straight without adjusting our position. But only during the 3 group sessions. I was unable to do this. The pain I experienced in my legs and knees seemed unbearable. I would sit for about 40 minutes and then my mind would begin to challenge me severely. But if you know me, I rarely sit still and so this was going to be tough. I awoke for the fifth day and was patiently determined to focus and respond to the "pain" with equanimity. The 4:30am session I always found it difficult to focus, but as my body woke up I would have more success throught out the day. My best sessions were always the last two of the day. This is the same back home. Jennifer is up and ready to go in the morning and I was moving in the evening. On this day I was able to sit twice for the entire 1 hour. The next day I was very tired. I had no idea that I had worked so hard the day before. Mentally and physically I was already wore out as I started the day. I worked at focusing all day and just could not seem to get it together. I was forgetting that everything is impermanent. I was attatched to my "progress" of the day before and not staying in the moment of now. That day I sat for one 1 hour period. I felt rather dissappointed at the end of the day. Some of my sessions that day I only focused on sitting because my mind felt so exhausted. With out controling the mind there was no way I would override my body's desire for me to react to it's sensations. On day 7 I was again determined. This day I sat 6 times for a 1 hour period.. It seems to be how I do everthing. All or nothing. That day we met with the instructor and he smiled at me saying that it was only neccesary to sit for the whole 1 hour during the 3 group sessions. With this statement, my focus slowly was lost from this point forward. In my mind I had made success and now was very tired. On day eight I could feel the focus being lost by the entire group of 100 meditators. At times it can be a bit difficult to be in one room with 100 other people. Even though the are focused and quite, they still make a lot of noises with their bodies...if you know what I mean. One woman in the female section would make large belches. I was so unfocused that I decided to take 15 minute, non scientific time sample. She belched 10 time in 15 minutes. Extrapolated to an hour that would mean she belched 40 times in that hour! Can you imagine the number over the course of 12 hours of meditating a day for 10 days? These are exactly the things that we are supposed to be able to tune out. But then it happened. What could take a group of well honed minds to the brink? What could threaten to rip the whole course wide open? Someone got the giggles. I only noticed when I heard movement next to me. I peeked out of the corner of my eye and saw 3 rows of the men get up an rush out of the hall in complete laughter. What had happened? The people who stayed in the room sounded like a group of school children trying to hold in the laughter. I was staunch. No laughter from me because I was strong, or maybe I just did not know was so funny. On the last day I found that some one let a huge fart out followed by another which put one of the girls, two seats ahead of Jennifer, into hysterics. It definately broke the tension of a long week of hard work. On the 9th day the instructor gave me a cell to pracitice in. This helped me, but in a way, was given to me too late because I had already lost my focus. From this point on I was able to meditate intermitantly with periods of "sitting practice". The experience was excellent. It is hard to put it into words at this point. I may even need some time completely away from it to truely integrate it into my being. I think a long trek will be the perfect remedy! Because of my work I understand the pyschology and agree with much of it. The technique will help calm my mind which is what I need. I have worked hard to curb my behaviors over the years and now need to cut the low levels of negative intentions that still arise from time to time. It was an invaluable experience for Jennifer and I to complete as a couple. May all beings be happy! |