Reader's Digest
March 2003
Did you hear the one about the termite who walked into a pub and asked, "Is the bar tender here?" --Submitted by Joseph Attaway
Playing baseball alone in his backyard, a boy announced, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world." He tossed the ball into the air, swung hard, and missed. "Strike one!" he yelled. He picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Feeling confident this time, he lobbed the ball, swung--and missed. "Strike two!" he yelled. The boy examined his bat and then his ball. He spit on his hands, rubbed them together, then tugged his cap and repeated, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball, swung and missed. "Strike three!" "Wow!" the boy exclaimed, "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
In a survey: Eighteen percent of married people say they've flirted with someone other than their spouse in the last month. Seventeen percent offered to give more information to the survey taker--over dinner and a few drinks.
Several cannibals were hired by a big corporation. "You're part of a team now," said the CEO, welcoming them. "Please don't ruin things by eating any of your colleagues." The cannibals promised, but a month later the CEO came to them. "Everyone is happy with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads. After the boss left, the leader turned to his tribesmen and said, "You fools! For weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed. Who's the idiot who went and ate a secretary!" --Submitted by Diane Distefano
The guy who created the SAT tests died recently at the age of 97, when his car that was going 10 miles per hour collided with a train that was going 60 miles per hour. --"The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn (CBS)
A bum asks a man for two dollars. The man says, "If I give you the money, will you buy booze?" The bum says no. The man asks, "Will you gamble?" The bum says no. "Then will you come home with me?" the man asks. "I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble."
God populated the earth with vegetables of all kinds, so that Man would live a long and healthy life. And Satan created the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "Want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them!" And Man gained pounds. And God created healthful yogurt, and Satan froze the yogurt, and brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored candy to put on top. And Man gained more pounds. And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV, remote control and potato chips. And Man clutched his remote and ate his chips. Satan saw this and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs...
