*****

For a man's ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths.

- Prov. 5:21

*****

"You told her?" Susan could not hold back her surprise. She had been teasing and nudging Luka for what seemed like forever. And here he sat across from her in the staff lounge telling her that he had finally told Abby what his feelings were for her? Damn it. I knew I should have put in on the twenty-third. It's always been my lucky number.

"Yeah, can you believe it?" Luka was still in a daze after blurting out how he felt. It seemed so surreal. He couldn't believe how good it felt to get it off his chest, yet it still be so nerve-wracking.

"And she said...what?"

"We're gonna take things slow," he explained. He replayed the conversation over and over in his mind. In fact, he was surprised Weaver hadn't jumped down his throat for being a little unfocused today. "She doesn't know where she stands yet."

"And you're okay with that?" It was not the most enthusiastic response on Abby's part, but she could understand why the RN/med student was tentative. Abby had been through this with him already and was just getting out of a relationship with Carter.

"Yeah," Luka said. "I want this to work out this time. So I think it's a good thing we're taking it slow."

"Well, I'm happy for you, Luka," Susan smiled, embracing the broad-shouldered Croatian. "I knew you two would end up together."

Even though I'm out a good twenty bucks.

"So what's got you in such a bad mood?" Henry frowned, as he nudged Jing Mei, who seemed completely distracted. "I don't think I've ever seen you with such a miserable look on your face since...well ever."

"Thanks a lot, Henry," Jing Mei said dryly. "I really appreciate the candor."

"No problem," he grinned. "Just being a good friend." He reached around with one arm and hugged her.

"I'm fine. I don't think I should need to have a sunny disposition every day," she said, choosing her words carefully. "It's not in my contract, you know." Jing Mei grabbed a few forms for her charts and tried to avoid eye contact, hoping he'd take the hint.

But he didn't.

"Seriously though, what's the matter? There was a little rumor going around that you had a little meeting with your friendly neighborhood County doctor?" He knew he had hit a nerve when he saw the automatic jerk of her head, as she turned to meet his gaze.

"What did you hear?"

"So it's true? You had a meeting with Mr. Golden Boy?" he said slowly. "And now you're in a bad mood? What did he do?"

"It's not him!" she protested. Jing Mei wanted to blame him, and part of her did, but really it was just circumstance and possibly fate. "I'm just in a bad mood." She paused. "I didn't get my grand moccachino with extra whip today."

She was such a bad liar. According to her mother, she was like an open book. Whenever she was upset or angry, her parents could read it on her face. Of course, her parents thought it best to let her sort it out. She never was quite sure if that was a good thing or not.

"That was pretty lame," Henry said, shaking his head. "Even for you."

"Well what do you want me to say?" she huffed, glaring at him. "I'm in a bad mood. So sue me."

"You know, I was going to become a lawyer, before my parents had their way with me," he said distractedly.

"You are absolutely frustrating."

"I know." He nodded. "But that's something that grows on you. Trust me."

He had less than a restful sleep - in fact horrible. The unexpected liplock that he shared with Deb had his head spinning. John had heard his grandmother's croonings when Deb first showed up at his doorstep during their med school days. It wasn't too long after he had introduced the two, that his grandmother began subtly hinting that he should possibly 'look into getting a young woman such as that'.

It had always been about settling down and bringing in a new generation of Carters to John. He imagined the only reason for the push was that Gamma had been itching to see great grandchildren in her midst. So when the perfect mixture of intelligence and upper-class beauty showed up at their door, she had to give it the old college try.

Although it was not his Gamma, that had him unable to stop thinking about the kiss. If he dwelt on it long enough, John could recall the feel of her in his arms and the softness of her lips. And the biggest problem was not that - it was how he did not want it to stop.

John wouldn't deny that he had contemplait would be like to kiss Deb. After years of friendship and knowing someone, you'd be a liar for saying that you never had. He was pretty sure that men fantasized what it would be like with every women they met, with the exception of mothers, sisters and other family members - although working at County had taught him that assumption could be a little less taboo than he would have liked. He had imagined it would be like kissing a sister or a cousin. Slight affection or even maybe laughing afterwards.

But it hadn't been like that at all.

Deb was his closest friend. He had learned to depend on her for honest and even sometimes cruel feedback, and vice versa. They hung out in their spare time, when neither of them had 'attachments'. And even when they did, they had always managed to hook up somewhere along the line, whether it was to slight the new 'person' in each other's lives or for something else.

But to be together?

The thought made him groan inwardly. He had figured things out. He had decided to cut women out of his life completely - and that idea had taken himself weeks to swallow. Everything seemed right and he suddenly had peace. No more turmoil and pining after women who couldn't make up their mind or who had a career to chase. It had been right.

And then BAM. Here was Deb.

She was smart, understanding, witty, a great doctor...and well, sexy. Sexy. He was man enough to admit it. He could be objective and see her that way. He knew other men did. But did he see her in that way?

Her mischievous face flashed in front of his eyes. Closing his eyes, John pulled a pillow over his face. No, how could he? The image of her standing on his doorstep, in her sweet, yet somehow sexy outfit came to mind. He remembered feeling like he was gawking - he probably was. He stopped right there.

God help me, but I think I do.

"Okay, you know how we talked about not having relationships?" Abby hedged, as she nursed the styrofoam cup in her hand. "Well, I think I might have reneged on that part of the deal."

"Reneged?" Derek arched his brow. "I don't think that you understand the purpose of being single for a while," he sighed. "Because it has nothing to do with just will power, but about finding yourself without a crutch."

"I know," she sighed, hearing the words that she feared would come. "But we're taking it slow."

"Slow or at full speed, you need to just sit with yourself, Abby."

Part of her understood what Derek was saying. She really did. It was like her whole life was always about someone else, and never about her. That was why she drank - to deal with the junk that she was just stuffing down. Or at least part of the reason why she didn't stop drinking. But Luka...was different. He was there as a friend and wanting something more. And he was willing to wait. "I'm no spring chicken here," she said jokingly. "This may be the last chance I get."

"Don't fall back on sarcasm and jokes to excuse this, Abby." Derek sat down in front of her and looked her in the eye. She had been making progress - real progress. He was almost prepared to say that she had gained a strong foundation to build on; but here she was trying to tear it all down again. "You cannot enter a relationship with someone until you've dealt with your inability to acknowledge that you're not in control - you can't control everything," he explained with concern. "I understand your desire to be with someone, but you're not ready."

"You know you can't stop me from seeing him," Abby chuckled in disbelief of what she was hearing. It felt like she was in high school and she was being told whom she could not date. "I'm a grown woman."

"You're right. I can't stop you from doing it." He nodded slowly, all the while his eyes never leaving hers. "But just let me say this," he said knowingly. "That this is the exact same attitude that takes you back into the bottle."

"What?"

"You think you're ready. You think you're strong enough to handle a relationship." He shook his head, hoping these words would ring true. Derek knew what it was like to find someone you so strongly want to be with, but for Abby it would be a stumbling stone. "This man, whoever it is, wants something from you that you don't have to give...not yet."

"You're making this bigger than it has to be," she scoffed, though her chest began to tighten as his words hit her. "Luka would not do anything to hurt me." She paused a moment. "I wouldn't let him."

And then he saw it. He knew where to go.

"But it doesn't have to be his fault. One mis-step, a break-up, and you'd lose yourself."

"I have never lost myself in a guy," she exclaimed irritably. "I am my own person."

He pretended to ponder this a moment, tapping his index finger against his lips. "You don't let them get close enough?"

"N-no," she stammered. "I...Everyone needs their space."

"Abby," he said softly. "We've talked about this a few times before - your broken relationships and how you feel like a failure when it ends."

"Yes," she said impatiently. "So?"

"So maybe if you give yourself time to find yourself - be strong in yourself - you won't have to be scared to give yourself to someone. Because from what you've told me," he said thoughtfully. "That's what you think is your problem - why it never works."

"No...this...it's different this time." She couldn't imagine what Luka would say. He seemed all right with the idea of taking it slow. But for her to now tell him that they weren't going to start something? "Luka understands...He loves me."

"And what a better reason to not do this?"

She hated this. He was talking in circles - always coming back to the same point. She was not ready to see anyone.

"If you truly care about him, doesn't he deserve all of you?"

"You're making me out to be a bigger basket-case than I am," she declared. "I'm not that messed up."

"I'm not saying that you are," Derek sighed. "I'm just saying give it a few months. Find out what you want from yourself and how that fits in with managing with the addiction. It's not forever. I'm just saying not right now.

"I don't have any control over your decisions, Abby. But I strongly urge you to reconsider."

His words were jumbling together that they were actually beginning to hit a nerve with her, and that bothered her the most. Abby knew that there were things holding her back....Things that were keeping her from having a real relationship, and a happy life. But how would Luka take this? Would he see this as her rejecting him, when they had just started build trust in each other? Was this their only shot?

Or would he wait until she was truly ready to actually love someone?

"You kissed?" Jen sat there open-mouthed and slack-jawed. "You kissed" she repeated again. "You kissed!" This time it came out more of a squeal.

Jing Me had to tell someone, so she thought Jen was her best bet, right at this point. I mean, she is going to be a part of the family. "Don't get to excited there," she said with a sigh. "Because it was a big mistake."

"Mistake?" Her brother's fiancee shook her head in disbelief. "You're joking, right? Because you have been wanting to get together with him ever since I've known you. Or at least, Stephen pointed it out and I agreed after observing the two of you together."

"He's sworn off dating all together," Jing Mei lamented. "So it was a huge HUGE mistake. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Oh," Jen said, her enthusiasm waned slightly. She bit the bottom of her lip and then raised a thoughtful brow. "But how did he take it?"

Jing Mei frowned. "What do you mean, 'how did he take it'?"

"I mean, did he shrink away in horror?"

"I don't see the point of dissecting this whole embarrassing tale." Jing Mei didn't quite know where Jen was going with all of this. She had just told her where she and John stood, which was nowhere.

"Just humor me," the auburn haired woman said leaning over.

"He..." She paused for a moment, trying to recall what she saw in his eyes when they broke from the ill-fated kiss. It had been unplanned, impulsive and stupid; but to have his arms wrapped around her, his lips on hers....His arms wrapped around her... He had...well, responded to her. Her heart sped up at the thought. "I-I don't remember," she said, dismissing the notion.

"You don't remember?" Jen exclaimed in disbelief. "I don't think so, missy!"

"I don't," Jing Mei said more firmly this time. "It happened really fast and...and I got out of there as soon as I could."

Jen seemed to eye her, as if weighing whether to believe her or not. Jing Mei steeled herself for a barrage of questions from her soon-to-be sister-in-law. But none of it came. Instead, she watched Jen nod slowly, as if coming to her senses, and smiling. "Okay."

"Okay?" Why did she have the sneaking suspicion that that wasn't what Jen really meant.

"Yeah," she shrugged casually, leaning back into the comfort of the couch. "I mean, I don't have any reason to think you'd lie to me, right?"

"O-Of course not," Jing Mei stammered, partly relieved that Jen would let it go that easily, and partly suspicious that the redhead was up to something. "I don't have any reason to." She plastered on an ingratiating smile.

Oh something was up.

"Well then," Jen said, clapping her hands together. "What do you think Stephen will want for supper?"

"Sure." She pushed herself up out of the chair and followed Jen into the kitchen area. Jing Mei forced herself to keep from shaking her head.