Softly Awaken

 

 

Chapter Twenty Two

 

*****

My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment,

do not let them out of your sight.

                                                                                                            Prov. 3:21

*****

 

She began fidgeting with the dessert fork as she sat in between John and Luka.  The invitation her brother had extended to both John and Luka had come up unexpectedly.  In fact, she would almost go as far as to use the word 'sprung'.

 

Jing Mei snuck a glance at both ER doctors, whom she had gotten to know during her extended stint at County General.  Luka seemed at easy and quite jovial tonight; a rarity, if she knew the man correctly.  And John also seemed comfortable in the relaxed, yet formal gathering.  He was having an interesting conversation with her father about his short voluntary stint in Bosnia.  Dr. Chen had sought to make use of his knowledge on the less fortunate.

 

It seemed that the only one who was uncomfortable with the situation was her.  She found herself unable to hold a lengthy conversation with the intimate group, who surrounded her.  Underneath she wanted to punch Stephen in the gut for inviting her only hours before the dinner and explaining how their mother and father had invited both John and Luka.  Jing Mei narrowed her eyes and shot her brother a wickedly evil glare; but of course he was immersed with his fiance, Jennifer.

 

"Jing Mei," Mrs. Chen said, with a hint of disapproval in her voice.  "Is there something in your eye?"

 

"Why are you squinting like that?"

 

Horror.  Pure horror was all that flashed before her eyes as all the blood rushed to her face.  Jing Mei coughed uncomfortably as she felt everyone's attentive gaze look expectantly at her.  She glanced briefly at her mother, whose stern gaze was locked upon her daughter.  "Uh no, Mommy."  She plastered a brilliant smile upon her face, flashing it at John and Luka.

 

"Then stop fidgeting with your dessert fork; sit up straight and join the conversation with our guests."

 

Jing Mei smiled pleasantly, and nodded.  She closed her eyes, telling herself to calm down.  Her face was probably three shades of crimson from that humiliating reprimand.  She bit the inside of her cheek and prayed that the floor would open up and swallow her now.

 

Then, suddenly she heard a small snicker.  Jing Mei opened her eyes and saw that Stephen had turned his head away from the table, and his closed hand was pressed against his smiling lips.  She glanced over at her twin brothers, who were also sitting across the table, further to her right - they were also giggling silently.  Now irritation replaced the feeling of embarrassment and her desire to die.

 

"So, how are you recovering Stephen?" asked a voice to her left.

 

Jing Mei turned to see John wink at her before turning his attention to Stephen's reply.  She felt herself flush, inadvertantly.  Her gaze remained upon the sweet, sensitive man, whom she never imagined would become such an amazing friend.  His freshly cut hair was brushed neatly back with one stray lock falling across his brow, making strong defined face look almost preppy and boyish.  She found herself immersed in studying each little feature of his face:  His small, dark round eyes suited his face; while his long, yet perky nose brought a rugged look to his boyish grin.

 

"I'm sure Deb is relieved to have you home too," John smiled charmingly at her.

 

Jing Mei sat up quickly, turning her attention towards her brother; the warm crimson flood swept over her once again.  Her dessert fork clattered against her empty dinner plate.  "Uh, yes!" she beamed, trying to look non-chalant.  "You have no idea how happy I am that Stephen recovered so quickly."  Her heart was pounding so loudly against her chest that she was certain that everyone could hear it.

 

"I'm sure that's exactly what she was thinking right now," Stephen drawled.  His tone dripped with a false sincerity.

 

Jing Mei glared at him. 

 

Jennifer, who sat to his right, jabbed him gently in the ribs.  He winced and chuckled.  "What?" he exclaimed innocently.

 

"I'm sure that's what we were all thinking," Dr. Chen agreed, shooting Jing Mei an odd look.

 

"Well, I'm sure that with a wonderful woman such as Jennifer, he'll have even more incentive to recover," Luka commmented.

 

"Of course!" Stephen declared, wrapping his arms around his blushing bride-to-be and planting a wet kiss on her cheek.

 

"Speaking of women, Dr. Carter..."

 

"Please, call me John, Mrs. Chen."

 

Jing Mei watched her mother nod slowly and smile graciously at the offer of addressing him in a more personal manner.  "Okay, John," she smiled, tilting her head to the side.  "Where is that lovely woman you were escorting to the Art's fundraiser in April?"

 

Suddenly Jing Mei tensed as everyone's attention turned to John.  "Mommy-aah," she drawled with an Chinese accent, knowing her mother would understand the disapproving tone.  Jing Mei rested her hand on his shoulder.  "John you don't have to answer her question."

 

Mrs. Chen looked indignantly at her, as if she had said something disrespectful to her.  "I don't see why you are getting so excited Jing Mei.  It's just a simple question.  I'm not interrogating the man."  Jing Mei knew from the glint in her mother's eye that she would be having a long conversation about what she had just done in front of her guests.

 

But she could not be deterred.  How embarrassing would it be for John to admit...

 

"No," John shook his head casually.  "It's all right.  I don't mind Deb."

 

Jing Mei furrowed her brow, gazing uncertainly at John's brave 'face'.  "Really, you don't have..."

 

John smiled and looked at her mother straight in the eye and said, "We broke up."

 

Silence fell upon the already quiet room with a deadening blow.

 

"John, I did not mean to pry," Mrs. Chen stammered.

 

"No, it's okay.  It was probably for the best."

 

Jing Mei smiled half-heartedly at John, who seemed to put on a very good front; when she knew that in his heart, he was miserable.  She lowered her eyes and stared down at her hands.  How could her mother ask such a personal question?  It was such a bad idea.

 

"Jing Mei has been such a good friend through it."  Her head snapped up at John's compliment.  Jing Mei sighed to herself.  She really had to stop zoning out like that.  She looked up at John, rolling her shoulders back and blushing.  "What are friend's for?" she said softly.  Her voice was unexpectedly raspy, as if she was choked up at his compliment.

 

John smiled back and she felt herself blush again.

 

She really had to stop doing that.

 

~~~

 

'We broke up.'

 

Luka had come to the Chen's residence, overwhelmed at the opulence that welcomed him as he drove up the driveway.  His hands were sweaty and his collar was slowly choking him as he waited for the door to open into the even more spectacular mansion.  It wasn't the fact that they were rich, beyond his own imagining; but Stephen had never truly answered his question when he invited him to this dinner.  When Stephen had left, Luka realized that he had never gotten a straight answer from the smart-mouthed cripple.

 

His relief had been immense when Jing Mei, Stephen, and Jen greeted him.  They had led him into a large study, where Drs. Chen were in conversation with Carter.  Nowhere in sight was Abby.  And now he knew why.

 

As the awkwardness was being worked through by Mrs. Chen because of her 'faux pas', he was silently mulling over the reality of what John had said.  "They are not together anymore," he mouthed to himself.

 

Suddenly he felt a dull jab at his foot from underneath the table.  Luka frowned and scanned the table for the perpetrator.

 

"Luka, do you want to see the present I've been working on for Jen?"  Stephen raised his eyebrows mischievously.

 

"What present?" Jennifer squealed happily.

 

Everyone's attention focused on the happy couple and smiled.

 

"Stephen."  Mrs. Chen's tone expressed her disapproval.  "We haven't even had the dessert yet."

 

"We'll be just a second," Stephen pleaded, with puppy dog eyes that a mother could never resist.

 

Luka glanced over at Mrs. Chen, who let out an exasperated sigh and rolled her eyes, dimissively waving her hand at her oldest son.  "Go!" she said, as the corners of her lips twitched indicating that her son's display of boyish charm had worked.  "But only for a few minutes."

 

Stephen grinned at Luka and tilted his head towards the hallway.  He swiftly manoveured out of the dining room chair and located his crutches.  Luka followed the tall, Asian doctor as he eftly hobbled out of the dining room with his crutches.

 

Once they were in the quietness of the dim corridor, Stephen laughed boistrously.  "So are you having fun yet?"  His tone was facetious.

 

"Oh, definitely."  Luka nodded, rolling his eyes as he matched Stephen's jerky, but steady stride.  "So what's with this present?"

 

Stephen looked at Luka as if he were trying to decide whether he was seriously asking that question.  "Are you serious?"  The injured man stopped his stride and shook his head.  "You really don't know?"

 

Luka slowed down and turned around to face him.  "No," he said slowly, shaking his head.  "What are you talking about?"

 

"Luka...friend...buddy.  You did hear what I heard in that dining room tonight, right?"

 

"Hear what?"

 

Stephen hopped closer and stared incredulously at him.  "Uh, John Boy there is no longer with Abby!"  He made quotations with his fingers in the air.

 

"What does that have to do with Jennifer's present?"  Luka was completely baffled at where Stephen was going.

 

Stephen rubbed his eyes tiredly, as if he struggled to find the right words to make him understand what he was getting at.  "Dude, I saw you mouth the words in the dining room.  You were so freakin' at the idea.  Of course, probably in a good way, huh?"  He smiled wickedly.

 

Luka frowned.  "So there's no present?"

 

Stephen let his head loll backward.  "Duh!"

 

"But why did you want to drag me out of the dinner?"

 

"Because, I'm sure you wanted an 'out' to figure out how you feel about this," Stephen explained simplistically.  "Because, you were sitting there like someone had struck you dumb."  He stifled a smile.  "It was kind of funny."

 

Luka ran his fingers through his hair.  "Really?"  He raised his eyebrows curiously.

 

"Yeah."  Stephen shook his head shamelessly while he grinned.  "I was going to let it go on, for entertainment's sake," he smirked.  "But Jen told me to take you out here."  He laughed.

 

"Great," Luka smiled half-heartedly.  "I appreciate the support."

 

"Hey guy, I'm here for ya now, man."  He tried to keep a straight face, but broke down again.

 

"Well, thanks for the help, but I think I can handle the 'news'," Luka sighed.  He really didn't have a clue what he was feeling.  He was still in shock.  This news came out of nowhere.

 

Stephen seemed to be trying to calm himself, wiping away the tears of laughter.  "But really Luka," he said with a straight face.  "Isn't this a great opportunity?"

 

Luka began to walk back towards the dining room, with Stephen trailing closely behind.  "Opportunity for what?"

 

"You are so obviously hooked on this girl, why don't you go after her?"  Stephen nudged him with his elbow.

 

Luka frowned.  Could he possibly even entertain such a thought?  It seemed too much.  Everyone seemed to be pressing him on this matter.  He was just finding his grasp on the fact that he could let go of the love of his life, Daniella.  Was he ready to face up to the fact that he could be in love with Abby?

 

"I don't know," he sighed, as they approached the entranceway of the dining room.  "I...I'll think about it."

 

Stephen shrugged hopefully as they stood in the doorway of the dining room.  Both he and Stephen took a deep breath and plastered on a smile for the masses.

 

"Stephen, finally," Mrs. Chen said impatiently.  "Sit down so dessert can be served."

 

~~~

 

"I'm glad you're approving of the decision I made."  Abby rolled her eyes back and sighed.  She sipped the bitter black liquid that steamed from the low-grade styrofoam cup.  The AA meeting had been a last minute stop-through.

 

"I told you that I didn't think getting into a relationship so soon after your relapse wasn't a good idea," Derek shrugged casually, as he slung back the last of his coffee.  "I'm not trying to lecture you..."

 

"Yeah, I can tell."

 

Abby was tired and kind of lost in the whole whirlwind that had become her life.  She asked Derek to come over earlier that evening when she felt that familiar urge to head towards the nearest bar.  She knew that she needed some grounding, which was not happening in her life.

 

"Don't be so defensive," Derek said empathetically. "At least you had the sense to break it off."

 

"It's just...."  Abby closed her eyes and rested her head back against the couch.  "How many times can I fail at something?"

 

Her family was a dysfunctional mess.  She married to young and divorced even quicker.  Her attempt at a career was foiled by her ex-husband; she almost had complete breakdown when her mother showed up in town, and to top it off, she had just had two more failed attempts at a relationship.

 

Abby felt a strong arm pull her in close, and the warmth of her sponsor's body acted like a safety blanket, which allowed her to surrender to the turmoil that was just about to overwhelm her.  She just couldn't keep up her facade anymore.  And right now, she didn't have to.

 

The tears flowed freely as she hid her face in Derek's chest.  She felt a lump lodging in her throat as she choked out the months of emotional baggage that had built up.  Her insecurities were well hidden.  She never allowed anyone to see her vulnerable - not anyone close, that is - because it meant having to explain and letting someone in.  And that was something she hadn't let happen since facing the reality that was 'Maggie'.

 

It was easier that way.

 

"You're not a failure, Abby."  Derek gently pulled away and gazed seriously at her.  "You are an amazing woman; having gone through the hell you have, you deserve a medal or something."

 

Abby looked doubtfully at him.

 

"No really, Abby."  He reached behind him and grabbed a tissue from the end table.  "We're all human.  We make mistakes.  Don't kill yourself over it."

 

"Are you going to start quoting the 'Serenity Prayer' to me now?" she said wryly, while dabbing at her tear-stained cheeks.

 

Derek smirked.  "Maybe.  If it would help."  He laughed.

 

"Well, don't.  I don't think I'm ready for the AA mantras."

 

Abby sat up and leaned her head back, sniffling, trying to regain some composure.  "So what now?" she asked softly.  The question wasn't specifically addressed towards Derek, or even to herself.  It just needed to be asked.

 

Derek seemed to understand and was not quick to respond.

 

Abby took a deep breath and realized she had completely zoned out.  She glanced over at Derek in embarrassment.  "I'm sorry.  I just kind of got lost in thought..."

 

Derek shook his head, understandably.  "No problem."  He glanced at his watch.  "I probably should get going anyway.  The wife hates when I'm late for our late night flick."

 

Abby smiled, as she rose from the couch, extending her hand towards her sponsor.  "Thanks.  I really appreciate the listening ear."

Derek shrugged.  "Hey, that's what I'm here for."  She walked behind him as he headed to the door.  "Don't ever hesitate to phone me if you feel like this again."

 

Abby locked gazes with him and nodded.  "Yeah.  I know."

 

Derek reached out and rubbed her shoulder.  "You just need a little time to figure out what you want Abby.  And don't forget we have Someone who will always listen."  His eyes darted up towards the ceiling.

 

"What?  The elderly couple upstairs?" she joked, half-heartedly.  Her eyes drooped.  She was tired and drained.

 

Derek chuckled.  "Them...and the 'Big Guy'."

 

Abby swallowed the lump that remained from her earlier emotional breakdown.  "Maybe."

 

Derek furrowed his brow and looked seriously at her.  "We can't get through this alone - and humans are fallible.  There's only one Guy who isn't.  I may make a mistake and have bad advice from time to time, but He won't."

 

Abby shifted her weight from side to side, feeling a little bit uncomfortable.  God wasn't something she really wanted to think about, not when there were a million other things she had to figure out.  "I guess," she replied distantly.

 

"I've been through a lot," Derek nodded, as he slowly backed out of her apartment.  "And until I admitted that I wasn't in control and let Him be in control - I was just another on again, off again drunk."

 

"He gives us the strength not to take that next beer or shot.  We know we're not that self-controlled; we've proven that time and time again, Abby."

 

Abby bit the inside of her cheek and nodded emphatically.  "I'll think about it, Derek.  Really."  She leaned against the door, resting her head against the solid mass.

 

Derek nodded.  He crinkled his nose, causing his eyes to squint.  "I got a little preachy, didn't I?" he asked apologetically.  "I sound like my sponsor!"  He laughed.

 

Abby waved good bye and closed the door behind her, resting against the smooth surface.  No men.  It shouldn't be a problem.  Abby furrowed her brow.  She would just have to keep her mind on work and other things.  Abby rubbed the back of her neck and sighed. 

 

Who was she kidding?

 

Abby strode towards her bedroom.  She shook her head and steeled herself to the doubts that were already forming in her subconscious. 

 

No.  She could do this.  She had to.

 

If she was ever going to be happy, she had to be happy with herself.