Softly Awaken

 

 

Chapter Nineteen

 

*****

Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed-- in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.

                                                                                                            1 Cor. 15:51,52

*****

 

“I think I’ve had enough advice to last me a lifetime,” Luka laughed, slapping Stephen on the back.

 

“Hey, I’m not the one who’s giving it!” the muscular, Asian patient exclaimed.  “Women, one they think they’ve got you cased, you never hear the end of it.”

 

“And what women would you be talking about, Stephen?”

 

Luka followed Stephen’s gaze to the door, where the familiar voice came from.  Jennifer was leaning up against the doorway, staring knowingly at the two doctors.  She had a mischievous glint in her eye.

 

“Uh, Stephen was just warning me against certain,” he coughed, “American women, who are like that.”  Luka tried hard to stifle the smirk he was sure was pasted across his lips.

 

“Oh really?” Jennifer said slyly, as she planted a kiss on Stephen’s forehead.

 

“Definitely.”  Stephen nodded ardently.

 

Luka sighed contently, and glanced at his watch.  “I have to get back for rounds.”

 

Jennifer nodded.  “Well you won’t have to visit Stephen much longer.  Dr. Jordan said that he is good to go.”  Her face beamed as she informed him of the good news.

 

“That’s great!” Luka smiled.  “I’m glad you won’t have to be kept up in this hospital anymore.”

 

“Don’t you mean ‘cooped’?”  Abby’s vocal correction came as a surprise to Luka, who hadn’t noticed her arrival.

 

Luka recovered quickly from the interruption.  He rolled his eyes at the woman whose head poked around the door.  “They knew what I meant,” he replied awkwardly.  After he spoke an uncomfortable silence fell upon the room. 

 

“Is that why you came up here?  To correct my grammar?”

 

~~~

 

The remark had a slight edge to it.  Abby raised her eyebrows.  Luka seemed to tense up at her arrival.  “Uh no?” she answered.  “Weaver’s on the rampage, and I thought you should be warned.  I don’t think she would be happy to find you up here again; rather than working in the ER.”  She narrowed her gaze as she noticed two pairs of eyes watching intently – the little show she and Luka were putting on.  Abby felt at a slight disadvantage and instinctively felt like fleeing the scene.

 

“I’ll be right down.  I was just saying goodbye to Stephen,” Luka explained.

 

Abby smiled awkwardly.  “Um, good.  I have to go now,” she said wryly, pleased to have an excuse to leave.  “Carter needs me to nag a couple of lab techs.”  After that lame excuse, Abby left the room, relieved.

 

~~~

 

“So that’s the infamous Abby, everyone’s been talking about?” Stephen mused.

 

“She seems nice,” Jennifer offered her thoughts.

 

Luka knew better to comment.  Everyone seemed eager to help him with his situation with Abby…or lack thereof.  “Yes, well,” he said distractedly, “I’d better be off.  You don’t know Weaver.”  He made a tortured face.

 

Stephen smiled.  “I’ve heard a few things,” he chuckled.  “I’ll see you around.”

 

Luka nodded.  “Don’t be a stranger!”

 

Jennifer took a step forward and wrapped her arms around his neck.  “Thanks for keeping him company.  It gave me a little less to worry about, while I was away.”

 

He squeezed the petite red-head gently, as he welcomed the embrace.  “It was nothing,” he dismissed.  It certainly gave him a lot less time to think about where his life was headed and well, Abby.

 

“Well, it meant a lot to me,” Jennifer sniffed.

 

Luka waved casually at the new-found friend, and headed back to the ER.  Just the thought of the grueling evening shift ahead made him groan.  He still hadn’t talked with Abby about the other night, not that she was ever one for conversation, especially this subject, but the endless possibilities about what she must be thinking about him was eating at him.

 

They needed to talk.

 

~~~

 

“Mom,” Jing Mei groaned.  “Don’t worry!  I’ll be by County before Jen takes him home.”

 

Jing Mei should have known Stephen’s discharge would have been his parents’ top priority when she heard they wouldn’t be able to be at the hospital.  It was a quarter to five, and Jing Mei had already been there two hours longer than scheduled. 

 

She was tired, and in no mood to deal with her parents’ anxiety over Stephen’s early discharge. 

 

“I’ll have him call you when he gets settled in,” she said soothingly.

 

“Okay.  Bye.”  Jing Mei was relieved to get them off the phone, even if she had promised to put her older brother through the wringer, by having him call them.  It would be an endless tirade of ‘Are you okay?’, ‘Are you sure they should have let you out so early?’, and ‘Do you need anything?’  Jing Mei rubbed her neck as she packed up her files and charts she would need at home.

 

Get out.  Make it fast and quick.  No stopping for anyone.

 

She psyched herself up as she headed towards her office door.  No more impromptu traumas, she promised herself.

 

“Hey Chen,” a low raspy voice called down the empty hallway.

 

Jing Mei groaned silently as she waited for the young, blonde resident surgeon to job up beside her.  “What do you want, Bobby?”  Her tone was dry and wary.

 

The cocky surgeon had a permanent smirk etched on his face as far as Jing Mei could tell.  He had arrived a week ago at Mercy.  He was hot, but a little too big on himself.  Jing Mei smiled to herself.

 

“Uh, so how about that drink tonight?”  His right brow arched smoothly in time with his silky proposition.

 

“And for the hundredth time, no,” she grinned mischievously.

 

It had been a while since Jing Mei actually caught herself flirting with a guy, not since Michael’s birth, had she allowed herself to be so carefree.

 

“Who’s the lucky guy I keep hearing about?” Bobby asked sourly.

 

“What lucky guy?”  Jing Mei frowned.  She hadn’t heard any rumors about her around the gossip mill.

 

“This guy the nurses keep raving about, like he’s some god or something!” he pouted.  “You can’t be serious about dropping me, for him?”  His eyes became round blue pools, and his mouth drooped dejectedly.

 

“Maybe,” she said coyly.  “I’ll think about it.”  Jing Mei winked, leaving Bobby standing alone in the hallway.

 

When Bobby flirted with her, Jing Mei was reminded that she was still attractive and desirable to some.  It was something she needed, especially these days.  As Jing Mei headed towards the parkade, she reminded herself that she would never find Mr. Right just sitting on the sidelines.

 

Maybe it was time she had a little bit of fun for a change.

 

~~~

 

“I think we need a little break,” Abby said somberly.  John had gotten home just a little bit after her.  She decided to just dive right in.

 

He had semi-moved back into her apartment again by the end of the week.  Their spat hadn’t been mentioned since.  The whole feel of the living arrangements had been.  Most of the time, each sought asylum in their respective corners, though they spoke cordially while they made lunch or dinner arrangements.

 

It was grueling and painful.  And Abby didn’t want to do it anymore.

 

~ * ~

 

John was in quiet disarray.  It seemed to make sense.  He had been thinking the same thing a little while ago as he slept rigidly in their bed…but he just couldn’t go through with it.  How many times would he go through this with a woman he cared for?

 

“Really?” John said disappointed.  He ran his fingers through his hair, as he bit his bottom lip and tried to regulate his breathing.

 

Abby seemed like the perfect woman for him.  She understood…

 

John shook his head, lost in thought. 

 

But she hadn’t understood him.  In fact, Abby had never tried to even hear him.  Her ‘probing’ questions scratched the surface of who he was, and she never bothered to dive deeper than that.  And that had left doubts in his mind.

 

If he looked back on their relationship, it was anything but settled, or even comfortable.  She never liked to talk about her emotions, and when she did, it looked like he was pulling her teeth.  Their relationship was anything but sweetness and fun.  In the time they’d spent together, he knew more or less, the same amount about her.  But he was willing to work at it.

 

“I just feel like we pushed so hard to be together, after fighting our feelings, that we just moved into it a little too fast.”  Abby’s voice cracked as he listened to her polite excuses.

 

“And I feel like I had to push that hard for me to even get close to you,” John countered, lifting his gaze to meet hers.

 

“What do you want me to say, John?”  Abby stared into his brooding eyes, at a loss of what to say.  “I’ve been getting mixed signals for the past few weeks.”

 

“What are you talking about?” John rolled his eyes in disbelief.  It was an excuse.

 

“Well…first…first it was all about me, but somewhere along the line, Deb entered the picture.”  She folded her arms across her chest, uneasy.  Abby could have cut the tension in the room with a knife.

 

“There is no Deb and me!” he exclaimed in exasperation.

 

“You say that John, but don’t think I’ve noticed how easily you get distracted by her.  Even if there is nothing between you, I think it’s hypocritical for you to ask me to drop my friends for you.  You expect me to tell you everything, but the same doesn’t seem to apply to you?”

 

John was speechless.  He had no idea where that had come from.  He didn’t even know where to start picking apart her accusation.  “What are you talking about?” he cried, throwing his hands frustratingly in the air.  “I’ve never done that to you!  The only time I’ve ever come remotely close is when it comes to Luka, and you don’t want to open up that can of worms!”

 

“And why can’t I have him as a friend?” Abby countered.  After the question popped out of her mouth, she regretted it.

 

John laughed loudly.  “Do I really have to answer that?” he said incredulously.

 

He looked at the blondish brown haired woman that stood defiantly before him.  He had been dating her for 3 months, and it was like looking at a stranger.

 

“You dated this man…shared his bed.  I can’t believe you can even mention him during this conversation!”

 

Abby was frustrated and tired.  She rubbed the bridge of her nose, as she shrugged her shoulders back in attempt to relieve the tension in them.

 

“Fine, let’s not talk about him, then,” she said curtly, raising her hands up in surrender.

 

John furrowed his brow.  “Does this…” he gestured to the space in between them, “have something to do with him?”

A look of distress flashed across her face as she began shaking her head fervently.  “No!” she exclaimed.  “You’re the one who brought him up!”  Her voice cracked as she spoke the last few words.

 

This new revelation brought some amount of clarity in John.  Abby had been very uneasy around Luka lately, and she had been on edge about everything he said, as if he were attacking her.  And now, this fixation on Deb...  It seemed to make sense.  Sort of.  This twist in the dialogue didn’t really seem to make sense at all.  But her feelings for the Croation doctor seemed to explain some of her scattered charges.

 

“Do you still have feelings for Luka?”  He looked at her, his face expressionless. 

 

He should have known.

 

Abby didn’t know how to answer that question.  She wanted to say no, but a part of her knew that was a lie.  She still had feelings for the man.  Of course she did.  How could she not?  But what kind of feelings?

 

He held his breath during the arduous silence.  All of the rumors about the tension between Luka and Abby would be confirmed or unraveled by her one-word answer.

 

“N..no!  Of course not!” she finally exclaimed.  “This has nothing to do with him.”

 

Liar.  Abby swallowed hard.  She couldn’t tell him something she didn’t know was even really there.  It could have been a figment of her imagination.  What she felt when she met Luka in that unsettling conversation…she just couldn’t explain.

 

John studied Abby’s body language go from tense to intensely agitated.  His heart began to pound against his chest, as a lump had formed in his throat – did the maiden protest too much?

 

He turned around and found the back of the couch to lean against.  “Then why can’t you let me in?” John whispered.  His lungs seemed to scream for air, as if his respiratory system wasn’t doing its job.

 

John stared at Abby forlornly.  Why did it feel like everything they had built together was falling apart?

 

Abby moved a few steps forward.  “Who do you think I am?” she asked softly, avoiding his question.

 

The question seemed odd.  It was another sharp turn in the conversation that didn’t seem to leave any rhyme or reason in its wake.

 

“What?” John shook his head at the illogical question.

 

“When you look at me, or think about me, who would you say I am?” Abby asked calmly.

 

He had to understand what she felt.  John had to understand the pressure and expectation he put on their relationship…on her.

 

After taking a moment, he looked up at her and sighed.  “You’re Abby - strong-willed, caring, sometimes misguided and confused, but for the most part, someone wonderful.  If you weren’t, I wouldn’t be with you.”  His tone was wistful.

 

Abby pressed her fingers lightly against her lips, and nodded slowly.  “And why did you think we were good together?”

 

John shook his head.  “I don’t know why I have to…”

 

“Just answer the question, John,” Abby interrupted.  She did have a point, if John would allow her to get there.

 

“At first,” John sighed, resigned to answering her questions.  “I was attracted to you.  And then the more time we spent together, it felt like you understood me.  We were able to talk about stuff, and we had a good time.” 

 

He hoped that was what she was looking for because he didn’t have any other answer.

 

“And you wanted to rescue me from the wreck I was in with Luka and the drinking,” Abby added coolly.  John opened his mouth to protest, but Abby cut him off.  “But that couldn’t be the whole basis for our relationship, could it, Carter?”  Abby moved into the kitchen, and grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. 

 

“Sometimes I think you just want to make all of my problems go away, which is something that makes me love you.”  Abby smiled in sweet sorrow.  “But I think with that, comes this desire to change me.”

 

“I don’t understand what you mean.”  His shoulders slumped forward.

 

Her logic made his head swirl.  Sometimes John, just didn’t understand her.  And now she was referring to him as Carter, like a co-worker, distancing herself from him.  He’d seen her do it before, with others.

 

“Carter,” Abby paused, “I think for the longest time, you imagined me to be this certain way.  I was always turning to you for help and advice – a friendly ear to listen to my problems.  And you thought you had the answers.  You never imagined how much baggage I came with.”

 

“Of course I knew!” John replied obstinately.  “I was there with you, through your divorce, Maggie, and even the relapse.”  He looked at her as if she didn’t realize how much he did understand her.  He understood her more than she understood herself.

 

“There,” Abby pointed at him, “that’s the problem.  That’s what I’m talking about...that look on your face.  It’s…it’s almost condescending in a way.”  She leaned against the kitchen counter.  “You don’t think I know what I’m doing, do you?”

 

John pursed his lips, and folded his arms across his chest, shaking his head just once.  “No,” he denied.

 

Abby rolled her eyes.  “C’mon Carter!  Wasn’t it you, warding me off Luka?  Wasn’t it you, who made it everyone else’s business, but my own, when you found out I was drinking again?”

 

John stared dubiously at Abby.  “And I was right, wasn’t I?  Or are you going to deny that?” he exclaimed incredulously.  “I thought I was a friend, and I thought you thought so too.”

 

“And you have to be right, don’t you?” Abby retorted.

 

John let the comment slide.  He was tired and had nothing left to say to her right then.  She had decided without him, their fate.  He should have known it would end this way.  All of his relationships ended painfully, well, with the exception of Susan, although, that had smarted. 

 

Why did he always hang on just a little too long?

 

“Maybe you’re right,” he said coldly, refusing to deny the inevitable.  “Maybe it’s time we were apart for a while.”