Softly Awaken

 

 

Chapter Fourteen

 

*****

…Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.

                                                                                                   Mark 6:31

*****

 

“I’m so glad you’re doing better,” John sighed, as they stood outside of the hotel, waiting for their vehicles to be brought around. 

 

The conference had been long an arduous, but both doctors realized that there were things that they could take away from the boring seminars.  Jing Mei knew it was less dull because she had John and Henry with her, trudging through the material, keeping her awake.  She smiled at John in gratitude.

 

“I’ve been worried that the stress of it all might be too much.” John added.

 

Jing Mei feigned disbelief.  “Me?  Stressed out?”  She laughed sarcastically.  “Come on!  When has that ever happened?”

 

John turned away and mumbled something indiscernible.  Jing Mei shook her head and hit him lightly on the shoulder.  “Shut up!” she chided.  “I’m not that bad.”  John made a face and shrugged.  “Uh huh,” he nodded patronizingly.

 

Jing Mei rolled her eyes and pulled her jacket tightly against her.  “It’s getting chilly out now.”

 

John puffed warm air into his ungloved hands.  “Yeah.  I didn’t think it would get so crisp out today.”

 

“So are you going to be able to report back to Romano, that you learned everything possible at this conference?” she teased, looking down the street for Henry’s car.  “I’m sure Romano will want to see a better work ethic from you now that they’ve paid for your attendance at one of these things.”

 

“Yeah.  I’m sure,” he scoffed.  “I think these things are as bad as those fundraisers for the arts or the community.  Except at least these things have something to do with medicine.”

 

Jing Mei understood where John was coming from.  She was pretty sure his comment was in light of an upcoming charity auction for the new theatre that the Arts and Musical Appreciation Committee had been planning for a few months now.  As she watched her mother and father attend these functions every month or so, Jing Mei was well acquainted with the expectations her parents had for her and what role she should play, once they could no longer attend.  The Chens’ children were to continue in the legacy of charitable organizations, which her mother and father had so often volunteered for or chaired, for that matter.

 

“You’re rides here,” John said, nudging Jing Mei from her thoughts.

 

Jing Mei jolted her head up as she saw the black vehicle pulling up in front of her.  “Oh,” she smiled.  Jing Mei looked over her shoulder, as she was about to open the passenger side door.  “John, maybe I’ll see you at County sometime.”  She knew that Stephen would be there for a while, still recovering from the horrible car accident that happened almost a month ago.

 

John nodded.  “Yeah.  I think everyone would be glad to see you stop by.”

 

Jing Mei waved and watched him get smaller and smaller as Henry pulled away from the curb.  “So you had a good visit with Dr. Carter while I was getting the car?” Henry asked.

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“I asked if you guys had a nice visit?” Henry repeated.

 

Jing Mei turned her body around so that she was looking out at the slowing traffic before them.  “Uh, yeah,” she replied distractedly.  Jing Mei didn’t feel comfortable talking about John with Henry.  She thought he wouldn’t appreciate her talking about another man when she, for all intensive purposes was almost dating him.  “It was no big deal,” Jing Mei dismissed.

 

Henry nodded his head slowly, adjusting the position of his wire-rimmed glasses, higher up on the bridge of his nose.  “Did you guys,” he paused a moment, seeming to hesitate at the thought.  “Did you guys…well, did you guys ever go out?”

 

Jing Mei was taken aback by the unexpected question.  “Where did that come from?” she exclaimed, tucking a stray strand of black hair behind her ear.

 

Her dark haired friend shrugged uncomfortably.  “It’s just that every time I mention Dr. Carter’s name, you seem to clam up.”  Jing Mei licked her lips as he described her odd behavior when it came to John.  “I mean you never want to talk about him, but he’s obviously someone very close to you.  And it makes me wonder if you guys may have dated for a while and you haven’t gotten over him yet.”  Henry glanced quickly at Jing Mei, assessing whether he’d struck a nerve or not.  “If I’m totally off then just tell me.  I’m just trying to get in the loop about this.”

 

Jing Mei opened her mouth to protest about his assumptions, some truer than others, but closed it after a moment of thought.  Henry had been a very close friend in the past few months during her decisions to leave County and then join Mercy.  She couldn’t lie to him about her feelings and Jing Mei felt that they hadn’t developed strong attachments, in that way, yet, so she could still be honest with him.  “Henry,” she began, “I am very fond of you.”

 

Just then, Henry snorted.  “Uh, fond?” he asked, as he pushed down a dark lever, triggering a soft clicking tone within the vehicle.  Henry put up one finger, signaling Jing Mei to wait as he turned down Oliver Street.  “That’s sound so bad,” he laughed.

 

Jing Mei closed her eyes and creased her brow apologetically.  “I know, but I just didn’t know how else to put it,” she sighed guiltily.

 

“Look, Jing Mei,” Henry said, with a sympathetic look on his face.  “You know that I completely understand.  I mean you’ve told me often enough that right now you were just looking for a friend.”

 

Jing Mei let out a sigh of relief.  She was so glad that he didn’t hate her and that he understood that she wasn’t really ready for anything more.  Her encounter with John made her realize that.  “Henry, I’m sorry.  I just have these…I don’t know, unresolved feelings for him.”  As soon as Jing Mei said it out loud, it was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.  It wasn’t a secret anymore.  She felt her shoulders relax and it was like she could breathe again.

 

“Does he know how you feel?” Henry asked.

 

Jing Mei shook her head fervently.  “No!” she exclaimed.  “And it’s not something I want him to know.”

 

Henry frowned.  “And why not?”

 

Jing Mei felt her eyes widen and she turned to him and looked at him incredulously.  “Why?” she repeated his question almost laughingly.  “Uh because it would be the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t ever want him to look at me like sad puppy hoping for a bone.”

 

Her medical colleague and close friend stifled his laughter.  “Don’t you think you’re being a little melodramatic Jing Mei?  I mean, I don’t think the guy would treat you like a dog needing to be petted or anything.”

 

She shook her head.  “No,” she choked.  “It would be worse!  He’d treat me like one those blonde tacky women he’s tossed over his shoulder and I’d never be able to talk to him like a friend again.”

 

It was a massive mistake Jing Mei vowed she’d never make with John.  He had so many girlfriends and so many lady acquaintances in his life; Jing Mei felt like she was someone special.  She was a constant in his life.  John would never lose touch with her because they’d never been anything but friends.  Jing Mei shook her head once again as she thought about Henry’s suggestion.  There was no way that she would ever tell John that she had ever imagined anything more than friendship.  How could she?

 

Jing Mei closed her eyes and prayed that Henry wouldn’t press her on the matter.  She was tired and she didn’t want to think about it anymore.  Jing Mei needed respite from her heart’s dilemma.

 

~~~

 

John flung his bag on the kitchen counter as he slowly trudged into his bedroom.  He was so tired he could hardly keep his eyes open.  There were days when John thanked ‘the powers that be’, the day he managed to graduated med school and didn’t have to attend any more boring lectures.  It was more exhausting than he’d cared to remember.

 

As he grabbed a change of clothes, John, eyes half-closed, wandered into his bathroom for a nice hot shower.  “Hey John, are you home already?” a woman’s voice shouted, followed by a click of the door.

 

John stared blearily into the bathroom mirror and rubbed his eyes.  “Yeah Abby,” he called.  “I’m in the bathroom.  I’m taking a shower and going to bed!”

 

“Bed?” Abby said curiously as she poked her head around the corner and found John standing, almost in a trance, in front of the mirror.  “But it’s so early!  We could go for supper or maybe even catch an early movie?”

 

As John shook his head, he felt like it was taking all his mental strength to move it right to left, left to right.  “I’m not in the mood,” he sighed.  John turned around so that he was facing Abby, who had just slid the rest of her body to where her head was, which was in the doorway.  “Even if I don’t go to sleep after a nice relaxing shower, I think I’m just going to veg in front of the TV.  My brain wasn’t stimulated to thought today.”

 

Abby laughed at John’s drooping face.  “All right,” she sighed.  “How about you take a shower, with me,” she thought the idea might stimulate the tired doctor to activity, “and then maybe afterwards we can order Chinese?” Abby suggested.  “I haven’t eaten supper yet.”

 

John grinned mischievously and slowly wrapped his arms around Abby, lowering his lips to hers.  “Sounds like a plan,” he mumbled in between kisses.  “Far be it for me to argue with a nurse!”

 

“Exactly,” Abby smiled coyly, as she began to extract herself from the red blouse she was wearing.  John was already in a bathrobe and he reluctantly pulled himself away from Abby’s embrace to run the water in the shower.  As he was letting the small droplets of water rain down lightly on his open palm, Abby had managed to strip to nothing except the slip she was wearing underneath her clothes.  “Did you see anyone we know at the conference?” she asked distractedly.

 

John nodded tiredly.  “Yeah,” he chuckled, remembering his surprise at Deb’s appearance.  “Deb was there.”

 

Just as Abby wrapped her arms around John’s waist, she tilted her head back, and frowned.  “Dr. Chen was there?” Abby said disquieted by the information.  “Did you know that she was going to be there?”

 

John turned away from the shower, and wiped his wet hand on the side of his bathrobe.  He looked at her curiously.  “No.  Why?” he asked, confused.  John kissed her on the forehead before reaching behind her and grabbing a bottle of shampoo he’d bought on the way home.

 

“No reason,” Abby said dismissively.

 

“Okay,” John laughed.  “You know you can probably call her Deb, if you want?”

 

Abby frowned.  “Why?” she asked, tilting her head slightly.

 

John shrugged.  “I don’t know.  Because Dr. Chen sounds so formal and you and she are friends?”

 

Abby let out a short breath and pulled away from John, her face smiling quizzically at him.  “Who gave you that idea John?” Abby asked confused.  “Dr. Chen and I hardly know each other.  It’s not like we hang out together or anything.”

 

John shrugged, and an apologetic look formed on his face.  “I’m sorry,” he said.  “I just thought you were.  It must have been me…”  His voice trailed off.

 

Abby shook her head as she laughed half-heartedly.  “Yeah, it must have been you,” she retorted softly.

 

John pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows.  He glanced around the room as if she were talking to someone else, averting his gaze from the now blonde nurse.  “What is this about Abby?” he asked.

 

The question grated on her nerves.  She felt herself shrink back from it, as if it’s words would touch her.  Abby rolled her eyes and shook her head.  “Never mind,” she said curtly.  “It’s nothing.”

 

John scratched his head and looked at her disbelievingly.  “I don’t believe you,” he said, matter-of-factly.

 

“Well it’s nothing,” Abby repeated, turning her back on him and picking up the blouse and skirt she had on previously.  She folded it slowly and meticulously, placing the clothes neatly on the bathroom counter.

 

John grabbed her arm gently and turned her around.  “What did I do?” he asked.

 

“I said forget it,” Abby stated firmly.  Abby didn’t understand why he was pressing the matter.  She didn’t want to talk about it.  Actually, Abby wanted to forget she even brought it up.  It was nothing.  Abby looked up at John blankly and raised her hands to her shoulders.  She slipped off the cream-colored rayon slip and smiled.  “Are we taking a shower?” she whispered suggestively.

 

Abby then slowly slipped passed John, her hand catching on the soft smooth belt that held his bathrobe closed, loosening it.  She tugged at it a little harder until the bathrobe fell open, and then stepped into the shower.  As she slid opened the door, white billows of steam swirled upwards toward the ceiling.  Abby crooked her index finger towards her, beckoning John to follow.

 

John debated whether he should let himself be coaxed into the nice hot shower with a woman he thought was sexy as hell.  He swallowed hard and just shook his head and smiled half-heartedly.  They’d talk about his later.

 

~~~

 

Luka walked into the church that had been haunting him lately.  He needed to find out what was pulling him there.  It was as if something was beckoning him and Luka couldn’t resist.

 

As he strode into the dusty church, Luka realized that there was something different about it this evening.  At the front of the church, two candelabras lined with white candles were sitting on the oak table lined with a white lace tablecloth.  He creased his brown in confusion.  The church hadn’t been used in years, as Luka had found out from asking locals from the neighborhood.  It was a relic, a monument to historical old churches.

 

“Hello?” Luka called out hesitantly.  “Is anyone here?”

 

Luka walked up to the front of the church, and looked around uneasily.  When he was certain that the church was empty, Luka allowed his body to relax and chuckled out loud.  “You’re really losing it Kovac,” he mumbled to himself.

 

He rested his right hand on one of the pews and swung himself around and sat down.  Luka groaned, allowing himself to voice the displeasure of the aches and pains that came with age.  “You certainly aren’t getting any younger.”

 

As he surveyed the old rugged cross, Luka was reminded of a hymn Daniella used to sing over the din of the TV and the children’s incessant chatter.  “Now how did it go?” he said out loud.  Luka began to hum the music to himself.  He closed his eyes and remembered coming into their apartment and just leaning against the doorframe as he watched Daniella dusting the furniture while singing.

“Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;” 

The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.

When other helpers fail and comforts flee,

Help of the helpless, O abide with me,” he whispered, finishing the last words of the first verse.  The only words he’d ever learned.

Luka scoffed gently and shook his head.  “I don’t even know why I come here,” he sighed, looking up at the wooden cross.  “I don’t really even believe in you.  Daniella was the one who had faith.  I just tagged along.”  Luka fell deep into thought, wishing that he could let go of old demons.

 

“Is that what you really believe?” a voice asked startling him.

 

Luka turned around to face the stranger.  She was tall and lanky.  The woman’s face was hidden in the shadows of the dark church.  “Who are you?” he growled ever so slightly.  Luka wasn’t in the mood for visitors and he didn’t like when people snuck up on him.

 

The woman moved forward and sat down in the pew behind him.  “You have a very nice voice,” she whispered to Luka.  The stranger leaned forward enough to reveal her dark round eyes and long straight black hair.  In the light of the moon’s rays, a smile was revealed to him on her pale face.  She couldn’t have been more than 30.

 

Luka cleared his voice and nodded slightly in acknowledgement of the compliment.  “I wasn’t expecting any visitors.”

 

“Well, you looked kind of lonely sitting here by yourself.”

 

Luka shrugged.  “I don’t even know why I’m here. It’s dark and empty, and no one ever comes here except me.”  He paused a moment and tilted his head towards her.  “And you, maybe.”

 

The woman smiled and offered her hand.  “I’m Danny,” she said, grasping his hand and shaking it.

 

“Luka.”

 

Danny leaned forward and rested her arms on the back of the pew Luka was sitting on.  She looked like a curious child, studying something fascinating.  “Luka?” she repeated.  “That’s an odd name.  You aren’t from around here are you?”

 

Luka shook his head.  “Originally from Croatia,” he admitted.

 

“Well, Luka from Croatia, why are you sitting in this empty church alone?”

 

If that he had an answer to that question, Luka thought to himself.  Instead, he smiled mystified.  “I don’t know.  I sit here and tell a god I don’t believe in that I don’t believe in him.”

 

Danny’s thin brows lifted.  “Now that seems strange,” she chuckled.

 

Luka lowered his eyes and began picking at a chipped fingernail.  “I suppose.  It just seems like I can’t get away from him you know?” he sighed.  “I would never have stepped into this church if there wasn’t this nagging feeling I keep having.  It just seems to keep hounding me.”

 

The young woman rested her cold hands on his, which stopped fidgeting as the coolness pervaded him.  Luka lifted his gaze until it met hers, which were calm and soothing.  “You know sometimes He’ll hound you until you give in and just listen,” she said softly.  “I know by experience.”

 

“Really?” he retorted, skeptical that God would actually be chasing him.

 

“Yes.”

 

“And why would he want to get my attention?” Luka asked mournfully.

 

Danny shrugged, pulling her hands away from his and leaned back in her pew.  “You never know.  It could be anything.  But if I’m a good observer, you seem to be stuck in the past.”

 

Luka rolled his eyes and stood up.  His leg was getting a cramp and he needed to get some blood circulating again.  As he stretched, Luka glanced briefly to the cross, which softly glowed above the flickering flames of the candles.  He rubbed his face, wanting to get rid of the tiredness that seemed to linger always.  He perched himself upon the back of the pew behind him and rested his feet where he’d just been sitting.  “What makes you think that?” he challenged wearily.

 

“Well you were sitting here very quietly before you started to sing that hymn.  And as I came closer, I couldn’t help but notice how tired and sad you looked.  And usually, people aren’t sad about the now.  Plus you had this kind of far away look in your eyes, like you were thinking of another time and place,” she admitted, blushing under his intense gaze.  “I’m sorry if I’m being presumptuous.  I didn’t mean to stick my nose in your business.”

 

Luka smiled as the sweet woman began to look flustered as she rambled, trying to apologize, while her hands gestured wildly in the air.  “It’s fine,” he reassured.  “I didn’t know I was that easy to read.”

 

The woman stopped her ramblings and clasped her hands together.  “Oh, you aren’t,” she replied quickly.  “I just…well, I like to watch people.”

 

Luka nodded.  “Well, maybe you’re right,” he then said after taking a moment to ponder about her comments.  “I could be thinking about the past.”  He looked at his watch.  It was almost 11.  Luka dropped his feet to the floor and stood up, dusting off the back of his jacket.  “But maybe I belong in the past.  I’ve tried to let go and it keeps hanging on.”

 

Danny followed suit and stood up, folding her arms across her chest.  “I don’t think so,” she replied intensely.  Danny’s gaze remained on him as she spoke.  “You wouldn’t be here, talking about this stuff if you wanted to live in the past.  Heck you probably wouldn’t be here at all.”

 

Luka frowned.  “What are you talking about?”

 

“Well you asked yourself earlier why you were even here?” she said matter-of-factly.  Luka nodded.  “Yes, so?” he scoffed, not following where she was going.

 

“I think maybe you’re here because you want to move on.”  Danny paused a moment to let that idea sink in.  “Maybe He’s telling you to let go?  That you don’t need to hang on to all the past stuff?  Maybe God’s chasing you and telling you that to move on, you need to let go?”

 

“Well, I’ve tried that, didn’t seem to work,” Luka retorted, stepping out into the aisle to head home.

 

Danny followed.  “You know, maybe you’re just using the past as an excuse to not move on?” she asked, pressing on the church door handle and letting a brisk breeze of the cold night air hit them.

 

Luka shook his head.  “Now you’re reaching,” he said as he walked down the sidewalk leading to the church.  “You don’t even know me!”

 

Luka suddenly realized that Danny was no longer beside him.  He turned around and found her standing at the entrance to the church.  “You know it’s not healthy holding onto something that will never come back to you?” she called from the front step.

 

Luka swallowed and stuffed his hands in his warm wool coat.  “I’m not.”

 

Danny smiled knowingly.  “Yes you are.”  The wind picked up and suddenly blew a strand of hair across her face.  She brushed her hand across her cheek, tucking the long black hair behind her ear.  “Luka!” she cried out.

 

Luka pulled his hands out of his pocket and raised them into the air.  “What?” he yelled.

 

“If you ask Him what to do, He will answer you!” she replied.

 

“That’s what blind fools say,” he retorted bitterly.  “I don’t know what He wants with me.  I don’t have anything.”

 

Luka watched as her head lowered for a moment, mumbling something under her breath and then raised her head again.  She took a few steps forward and then stopped.  “Luka, there’s nothing any of us have that He wants.  It’s about what He has that He wants to give us.”  She paused tossing her long hair over her shoulder.  “Listen, in a world that is full of people who look out for themselves and think that that’s a way to live, He’s here telling us that it doesn’t have to be that way.”

 

“Luka, God loves you and He wants you to be happy.”

 

He’d heard it all before.  The priest that he’d helped in the ER, his strange encounters with other strange patients.  Luka was getting a little tired of the preaching.  “Look, I have to go,” Luka sighed, motioning that he was moving toward the gate.

 

Danny opened her mouth to say something, but then strangely, slowly closed it.  Luka smiled and waved goodbye.  “Thanks for listening and trying to help,” he called back.

 

Suddenly the wind picked up and Danny’s long black hair blew in front of her face.  Luka saw her turn back towards the church and disappear behind the heavy stained oak doors.  He stood behind the black iron gates and stared at the tall stone church.  Luka could still see the flickering of the candlelight behind the stain glass windows.

 

He stuffed his hands into his pockets again and headed back home.  Luka was surprised at the night he’d had.  He never expected to have such a probing conversation with a strange woman he’d never met before.  Luka laughed as he glanced back at the church.  Strange things happen behind church doors, Luka thought.

 

Just as he was about to cross the street, Luka heard what seemed to be music coming from the old building.  It seemed to be a woman’s voice singing loudly and clearly.  At first Luka didn’t know what she was saying, but then as he closed his eyes and listened intently he could make out the words.

 

“Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;

Earth’s joys grow dim; it’s glories pass away;

Change and decay in all around I see;

Oh Thou who changest not, abide with me.”