Softly Awaken

 

 

Chapter Thirteen

 

*****

What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient?

                                                                                                   Job 6:11

*****

 

“John, you’re gone for the rest of the day?” Kerri inquired without looking up from her charts.

 

John stopped in his tracks and turned around to face the redheaded doctor.  “Yeah.  I’m going to that medical conference downtown.  I wrote it down on the schedule.”

 

Kerri looked up.  “Yeah, okay.  See you tomorrow.”

 

John nodded and fidgeted with the strap of his backpack resting on his shoulder.  He’d never really had to go to one of these conferences before.  It was always something the older doctors at County did.  He didn’t even know why he had to attend this conference.

 

He’d read the pamphlet a couple of days ago, and its seminars were about Options for Patient Care, Professionalism in the Workplace, and Explaining the Choices to Families in Shock.  John rolled his eyes at the thought of how uninteresting it would be.  He’d hoped maybe Susan or even Luka would be asked to attend, just for the company.  But no such luck.

 

“John Carter,” he stated to the registrar.

 

John looked about the large hotel where the conference was being held.  It had a high vaulted ceiling and golden chandeliers hung from the roof.  Fancy, he thought to himself.  Finally the woman behind the desk handed him a package with a nametag and his itinerary for the day.

 

As he made his way to the Desert Room for his first seminar, John thought about the past few days with Abby.  Since Stephen was doing better and Deb had begun full rounds at Mercy, John had more time to spend with his girlfriend.  John was happy about it all-round because he knew the situation had put a strain on his relationship with Abby.  He could tell the night they’d first had the chance to have supper together.

 

Abby had been aloof and quiet.  She didn’t feel like talking and when they did, it seemed to revolve around work.  It had been a tough night. 

 

But lately the past few days of work and hanging out began to restore the relationship that had been built.  John didn’t think it would be this hard to have a relationship with Abby.  It had been not exactly easy being her friend before, but they’d always been able to talk and be there for each other.  John had chalked it up to not having wanted a real relationship until meeting Abby.  But still, John sometimes wondered why being in a relationship with a woman always had to be so hard with him.

 

“John?” a familiar voice called.

 

John had been sitting in a chair next to the aisle, so as not to have to scramble across other doctor’s feet.  He’d be liable to trip and fall flat on his face and that would look extremely professional.  As he turned to see who had called his name, John saw a petite Asian woman dressed in black slacks and a lavender blouse approaching.  He didn’t need a nametag to introduce her.  “Deb!” he exclaimed happily.  “What are you doing here?”

 

~~~

 

Jing Mei hadn’t expected to see John at the conference today.  As she walked into the hotel, Jing Mei had thought she’d heard someone say ‘John Carter’ at the registration table, but when she walked into the Desert Room, Jing Mei could tell it was John sitting in the chair a few metres away.

 

When she was just a couple of feet away, Jing Mei smiled.  “Well, obviously our hospitals think we need to brush up on something!” she teased.  “Or else we wouldn’t be standing here at this conference!”

 

They embraced briefly before John stepped aside to let her sit beside him.  “You looked pretty happy sitting there though.  I’m guessing this little conference wasn’t your idea?”

 

John rolled his eyes.  “Yeah, right.  Romano thought that I could do with a conference or two, doctor to doctor that is,” he said sarcastically.

 

Jing Mei pursed her lips and felt her face scrunch into one of irritation.  “Yeah, that’s one thing I’m happy not to have to deal with day in and day out.  Romano,” she scoffed.

 

“How are things going at Mercy?” John inquired curiously.

 

Jing Mei didn’t quite know how to answer.  She definitely wasn’t bored.  Their patient load was as bad or worse than County’s, but Jing Mei didn’t quite feel connected to the staff.  “It’s all right,” she sighed.  “It’s different.  I can’t say I’m fitting in right away.  I hear a lot of comments about Stephen and questions about how he’s doing, so it’s kind of hard to build any kind of relationships when Stephen’s all we talk about.”

 

John looked sympathetically at her.  Jing Mei didn’t want his pity.  She just wanted to move on with her life.  Maybe even put the people at County behind her, but then Stephen’s accident happened and Jing Mei realized how much she needed the friends and colleagues she’d made at County.  Or at least, Jing Mei realized how much she needed John.  It was almost like having him back as a friend.

 

“I’m sorry about that,” he replied softly, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

 

Jing Mei smiled up at John.  His face was full of the concern that was missing from the strangers at Mercy.  “I’ll be all right,” she sniffed, rolling her eyes at how sappy she was getting in her old age.

 

“Jing Mei?”

 

Jing Mei looked up to find Henry standing in the aisle smiling at them.  Henry laughed as he interrupted their conversation.  “I was looking all over for you.”

 

Jing Mei closed her eyes and chided herself for forgetting about Henry.  “I’m sorry Henry.  I just saw John and forgot that we were meeting in the foyer,” she apologized.

 

Henry seemed to shrug it off and slipped into the chair beside her.  Jing Mei felt self-conscious sitting in between John and Henry.  Both men had become very important in her life.  John was an old friend, someone who knew her inside and out.  And Henry was an eager friend who’d made it known that he was interested in her, something Jing Mei had needed in the past couple of months, since John and Abby’s coupling – the need to feel wanted.

 

“So what are you guys talking about?” Henry asked cheerily.

 

“Oh, just talking about how things are going at Mercy for Deb,” John replied stiffly.

 

Jing Mei just smiled pleasantly without responding.  For some reason, John didn’t quite ever warm to Henry.  Some part of her hoped it would be because he was jealous, but Jing Mei wasn’t that naive.

 

“It’s great right Jing Mei?” Henry coaxed.  “And I think it’s quite funny that you keep calling her Deb.  It’s just odd.”

 

Jing Mei shook her head.  “It’s just a med school thing,” laughed Jing Mei as she looked over at John, who was nodding his head.

 

“You kind of have to be there to understand it, right Deb?”

 

Jing Mei smiled and rolled her eyes.  “Whatever John,” she chuckled.

 

That was the end of their conversation that morning.  The presenter walked into the room and began his seminar on Options on Patient Care.  Jing Mei was quite relieved that they didn’t have much chance to converse, she felt torn between the two men. 

 

As she looked over at the two doctors, Jing Mei unconsciously began comparing the two.  One who was unavailable, but a friend she loved dearly, and the other was full of unexpected possibilities.  Jing Mei sighed unhappily.  Who was she kidding?  There really was only one choice.

 

~~~

 

Abby had been noticing Luka and Susan’s growing closeness for the past week.  Every time she would turn around, Luka and Susan would be joking about some patient or talking about what they’d done the evening before.  She never thought it would bother her, but Abby was beginning to realize how irritating it was becoming.  At that moment, Luka and Susan came walking down the corridor laughing and talking excitedly.

 

“Luka?  Patient in 3,” she said impatiently, as shoved the chart into Luka’s hand.

 

Luka seemed surprised, as he furrowed his brow and laughed.  “What’s the matter with you today?  No Carter to make you smile?”

 

Abby pursed her lips and made a face at her ex.  “I’m not in a bad mood.  I’m just tired of having to make patients wait while you flirt with whoever happens to pass by,” explained Abby, looking up at the tall doctor innocently.

 

Luka shook his head and sighed.  “I’m going!  I think someone needs to lay off the caffeine.”

 

Abby watched expressionless as Luka walked over to exam room 3.  She stuck her tongue out at her lippy ex-lover.  She hated when he was so smug.

 

“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?” Susan asked curiously.

 

Startled and embarrassed, Abby turned around to face Susan, whom she’d forgotten was standing there.  “Uh, yeah.  I’m sure.”  Abby pasted on a smile and high tailed it out of there, her face flushed from the embarrassment.

 

~ * ~

 

While getting a cup of coffee in the lounge, Abby thought about how much she missed John that afternoon.  Most days it was nice to see him watching her when he thought she wasn’t looking or feel a warm arm wrap around her waist when she was getting some drugs from the drug lockup.  “Well, it’s not like you weren’t complaining to yourself when he was around all the time.  Now it’s just the opposite,” Abby said out loud to herself.

 

“Who are you talking to?” Luka asked, startling her out of her private thoughts.

 

Abby set down the coffee pot and took a sip of the lukewarm beverage.  “Uh, no one?” she replied.

 

“Oh,” he chuckled, reaching above her for a mug.  “I just never took you for the type who talked to themselves.”

 

Abby looked at her watch.  She still had five minutes in her coffee break.  “Well, what type am I?” Abby asked coyly.

 

Luka stood with the coffee pot and mug in his hand, and paused there for a moment, studying her with his dark brooding eyes.  Abby swallowed hard and shifted her weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other.  He always made her feel like he could see right through her with those eyes.

 

Finally he answered, saying, “I’m not quite sure yet.  We weren’t together long enough for me to find out.  Maybe John can tell me.”  Luka resigned himself to sitting down on the couch in the lounge, sipping his coffee.

 

Abby licked her lips, hoping this wasn’t the start of a conversation about John and her relationship with him.  “So,” she said cheerily.  “You and Dr. Lewis have been seeing each other a lot lately.”

 

Luka looked up wearily at Abby.  “We’re friends.”

 

“Well it doesn’t sound like that from the rumors in the gossip mill,” Abby teased hesitantly.

 

“Well we all know how much truth there are to rumors don’t we?” Luka snorted.  “I’m sure I heard the rumor you and John were going out months before you were actually a couple.”

 

Abby didn’t like the tone of his voice.  It was rough and full of annoyance.  She didn’t understand why.  “I’m sorry for even bringing it up,” she huffed.  “Didn’t mean to hit a sore spot!”

 

As she moved to leave the lounge, Luka stood up and grasped her wrist.  “I’m sorry.  I don’t know why I’m being such a jerk right now.”

 

Abby peered up at Luka.  “Me neither,” she joked nervously.  “Look Luka, I don’t expect you to be all happy for me and John.  I mean I can understand that you’re upset about me dating him.  And I don’t mean to rub salt in old wounds.”

 

She hoped that this might clear the air.  Abby knew that they hadn’t really had closure in their relationship.  Actually, their relationship was an enigma to Abby even, sometimes.

 

“Look, can we try to be friends?”

 

Suddenly Luka burst out laughing.  “You think I’m jealous of Carter?” he scoffed, stifling his laughter.  “Be serious!”

 

Abby didn’t know what to say.  Could she have been wrong?  Maybe Luka hadn’t been heartbroken about breaking up.  It was a possibility.  His lack of interest in their relationship was what drove Abby away in the first place.  But Abby had attributed Luka’s interest in Abby’s drinking and his casual offhanded remarks about John and her as signs of the hurt he was hiding.  However, watching Luka laughing heartily about her suggestion, Abby reconsidered her thoughts about Luka’s feelings towards her.

 

“What’s so funny?” she finally managed to choke out.  “It’s a logical explanation to your attitude.”

 

Luka stopped laughing for a moment and then burst out again.  Finally Luka stopped, holding his stomach and caught his breath.  “I’m sorry.  It’s just that you sound like a shrink when talking about how I feel about you.”

 

Abby bit the inside of her cheek.  “Well, I suppose I did,” she admitted, shaking her head and smiling.  “But I just don’t want us to not be able to talk anymore.”

 

Luka’s face straightened and he seemed to become serious again.  “Look Abby, we’re over right?  So why would I be jealous of Carter?” He paused for a moment and scratched the back of his head.  “We’re not dating.”

 

Abby was surprised by this change in attitude.  “So all of the sudden we’re supposed to stop caring about one another?  I seem to remember you telling me you love me not so long ago?  And now you don’t even care?  From your attitude lately, it doesn’t seem to ring true.”

 

Luka closed his eyes and let out a deep breath.  “Look Abby,” he said pointedly.  “I did say that.  And I did mean it.  But I’m not in love with you.”

 

Abby shook her head.  “You’re not making any sense Luka!”

 

Luka was about to say something when Susan came running into the lounge.  “Abby do you know where the extra lavage kits are?”

 

Abby looked at Luka for a moment and then turned to Susan.  “They should be in the cart right next to trauma room 2.”

 

Susan shook her head.  “We looked there.  I think we might be out.  Could you come check?  Kerri has a patient in trauma 1.”

 

Abby hated to leave this conversation half over.  She felt like they needed to clear this thing that continued to hover over them, which kept her from drawing closer to John.  “We’re not done talking about this Luka,” she warned, leaving Luka sitting on the couch sipping his coffee.

 

~~~

 

Luka watched Abby exit the lounge.  Part of him was glad that their intense conversation had been interrupted.  It wasn’t something he was ready to hash out.

 

“Are you okay Luka?” Susan asked, sliding down into the cushion next to him.  “Looks like you guys were having one intense conversation.”

 

Luka nodded.  His relationship with Susan was nice because he could pretty much say anything to her without having to explain it.  She seemed to understand that he just needed a friendly ear.  “Abby thinks that I’m jealous,” he sighed.

 

Susan laughed.  “And?”

 

“And I’m not,” Luka explained.  “I care for her, but I’m not in love with her.  I was being a jerk earlier and that’s what ‘Freud’ came up with.”

 

Susan shifted her body so that she sat parallel with him, both of them looking at the wall.  “Well, I guess I can understand that you’d still be upset with her and Carter since you’re still in love with her.”

 

Luka’s laughed out loud as he turned around pulling his knee up on the couch.  “Are you serious?  I just told you I don’t love her.  I don’t know if I ever did.”

 

Susan nodded silently.  “Okay, so you don’t know if you ever loved her.  What does that mean?”

 

Luka turned his gaze back to the blank wall.  “The only woman I’ve ever loved is Daniella.  I don’t know if I could ever leave her behind.”

 

Susan looked sympathetically at him.  “I’m guessing that’s the reason you and Abby broke up right?”

 

Luka sighed.  He knew that was part of the cause.  “It was because I didn’t care enough.  I could find other things to do rather than be with Abby.  Now does that sound like a man in love?”

 

She frowned at him.  “Obviously you’re lying to yourself if you don’t think that the way you’re acting around Abby means that you have feelings for her, let alone are in love with her.”

 

Luka didn’t know what to say.  “How can I be in love and not know it myself?” he argued.

 

“Because you’re too scared to admit it,” Susan said softly.  “Luka, look at what you’ve done for her?”

 

“When Abby was losing control over her alcohol problem you arranged an intervention meeting?  And you were there when Maggie was off her drugs.”  Susan placed a comforting hand on his.  “I can’t really tell you what you’re feeling, but in my opinion, a guy doesn’t do those things for someone he doesn’t love.”

 

Luka listened to what Susan was saying, but he didn’t know if he could believe it.  The entire time he’d been with Abby, first as just casual lovers, and then something more; Luka never pictured it leading to something deeper.  It hadn’t been that way with Daniella, of course, he hadn’t been jaded by the deaths of those close to him.

 

He’d vowed to love Daniella until death parted them.  And it was something he never imagined finding again.  Luka never imagined that the chestnut haired woman who’d excitedly given him a kiss in the snow that fateful day was another chance at love and happiness.

 

Then reality set in and Luka set down his coffee mug and sighed.  It didn’t matter now.  Abby was with John.  He looked over at Susan who smiled.  “Well, are you admitting it?” she smirked.  “You’re in love with Abby?”

 

Luka lowered his eyes and stood up.  “It really doesn’t matter what I admit Susan.  Abby’s with John and whatever chance I ever stood with her, is gone.”

 

“But Luka…”

 

Susan was about to say something to him but Luka ignored his friend’s word of hope as he strode towards the door.  John had been everything Abby had wanted, and everything Luka hadn’t.  What chance did he stand?

 

Hope was something he’d lost in his past.  And now, it seemed to elude him in the future.